Tell Me You Love Me
by AnnabethLeMorte
Summary: Closeted!Officer Dean Winchester has begged off dating after a nasty break-up with his boyfriend. This is when the Universe decides to toss him a curve ball. Enter Dr. Castiel Novak, a stunning man he instantly falls for, who has a few secrets of his own. **Warnings: AU SLASH FIC, Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse**
1. French Fries to Friendship

**Tell Me You Love Me**

by Annabeth LeMorte

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse

* * *

**AN:** This idea came to me after watching the movie SWAT: Fire Fight and thinking that Dean could totally fit into the role of Paul Cutler; with Castiel in the role of Kim Byers. I let the idea marinate with my muse for a few days and this is what she came up with.

* * *

**Chapter 1 - French Fries to Friendship**

Dean has done a lot of stupid things in his lifetime, but letting Lieutenant Harvelle set him up with her daughter Jo, is probably the stupidest. Jo is nice enough, and pretty enough, he supposes, but she's Harvelle's daughter for fucks sake! He nods when the waitress asks if he wants another beer and is surprised when Jo asks for one as well. She arches a brow as if daring him to say something, but he just smiles, "Hey, I ain't your momma. Drink all you want, Ms. Harvelle."

"Why thank you, Officer Winchester, I believe I will." Jo reaches across the table and steals a fry off his plate before asking, "So tell me, why'd you let my mom set us up?"

"Honestly?" Jo nods and he continues with a laugh, "She's kinda scary. I figured, we'd have a few beers, some good food, and decent conversation. So far, I was right. Although, the few beers has quickly veered into Maybe-I-Should-Take-A-Cab-Home territory, but meh it's ok." He makes a swerving motion with his hand and shrugs before finishing his beer.

Jo snickers and steals another fry, "Yea well…she's harmless." Her laugh is instantaneous in response to the incredulous lift of his brows, "What? She is. She's all bark and no bite." Dean scoffs and she amends, "Okay, well…more bark than bite. How's that?"

He nods but clarifies, "Yea, still scary though." Dean smiles thanks to the waitress when she delivers the fresh beers and lifts his in salute, "To scary moms."

Jo's laugh is surprised, but she lifts her own beer in response, "To hopefully not getting a Drunk and Disorderly tonight." Dean pushes the plate of half eaten fries towards her when she reaches across the table once more.

"Amen to that." The time passes quickly with amicable teasing on both sides and at one point Dean finds himself complaining, "Jo, she's set me up with Lisa from Dispatch and Carmen. Don't get me wrong, Lisa's cool and all, but Carmen?" Dean shudders dramatically, "That girl is all hands."

"Wait…she set you up with Officer Lewis, Carmen...or Carmen Porter the receptionist in Admin?"

Dean gives her a look, "Receptionist Carmen."

Jo snorts and nearly chokes on her beer. At Dean's suspicious look, she attempts to apologize between giggles, "I'm sorry…it's not funny, but-"

Dean's frowning when he mutters, "Thanks for the sympathy, Jo."

She starts howling with laughter and it's nearly ten minutes later before Jo can speak normally again, tears streaming down her face, "I'm sorry, it's just that Carmen's had this crush on you since your first day. She's always going on about your 'amazing green eyes' and about how well you 'fill out your uniform' and your 'kissable lips.'"

He's staring at Jo in horror and whispers, "Dude, that girl is a freak! She practically sat _on_ me in the restaurant booth and then on the ride home, she tried to give me road-head. When I politely refused, she got upset. The whole thing's made trips to Admin…awkward, to say the least."

Jo pouts and teases, "Oh poor baby."

Dean chuckles, "Fuck you, Jo."

The blonde smirks at him and retorts, "You're not my type, Dean-o, but thanks for the offer."

"What do you mean I'm not your type? I'm _everyone's_ type!" Dean has to admit, he's more than a little drunk and his words are slurred around the edges, but he's having fun and Jo's easy to talk to.

"Yea, sure ya are, Romeo. I suppose if you had tits I'd be all up in your business, Freckles, but you're a guy so…there ya go." Jo's admission shocks Dean into silence, his mouth hanging open slightly. He doesn't know what to say; he's not sure he needs to say anything really, but wow…Jo's _gay_ and how did he _not_ see that coming? "Dean? You ok?" He snaps out of his little stupor and laughs nervously, because he could tell her and then he'd have someone to confide in, but no, he's a big fat chicken, so he keeps quiet. "I thought you knew," she whispers gently.

He clears his throat and smiles, "Uh no, I didn't." The admission's made him slightly self-conscious and he licks his lips nervously, "Some cop I am, huh?"

Jo sighs and Dean realizes the atmosphere between them is now tense, "If I thought you were serious about dating me, I would have eased you into that confession, but I kinda picked up that I'm not your type either." Dean frowns slightly because what the hell? He doesn't ask but when Jo reaches across the table to cover his hand, it takes all his willpower to not spill his guts to the attractive blonde. The rest of the 'date' is strained but all in all Dean's had fun, more fun than he's had on a date in a long time. So what if he's not getting laid? Dates aren't about sex and…oh, who in the hell is he kidding? He's walking Jo to her Jeep and she's waxing poetic about some new book she's reading and Dean has no idea why he does it, but he does: he takes Jo's face in both hands and kisses her. She makes this strangled little yelp in her throat and pulls away, "Dean."

Dean holds up a hand and stops her before she can speak, "I'm sorry. Don't know what came over me; just…let's just pretend I didn't do that, okay? I had a really nice time, Jo. How about we just leave it at that?"

Jo smiles and pats his cheek, "Good idea, Romeo. I had a good time, too. If you were a chick, I'd be asking if you wanted to come back to my place for some raunchy girl on girl action."

Dean groans and rolls his eyes, "And on that note, I'm going home, Ms. Harvelle."

He turns and starts making his way to the Impala, waving when Jo calls after him, "Drive safe, Officer Winchester! See you Monday!"

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Hey, Winchester!" Dean turns at the sound of his name to see two guys from Narcotics walk into the locker room, "Heard you went out with Lt. Harvelle's daughter on Saturday. How was it? Did she put out?"

His companion barks a laugh, "Man, I heard she was a panty pounder. There's no way Dean got lucky."

"So, tell us, Winchester…did you nail her?"

Dean slams his locker shut and picks up his duffle bag, "A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell." He swings the bag up onto his shoulder and heads out, blissfully happy when they don't follow. Their laughter carries and Dean can hear them muttering about how his avoidance of the question means that he definitely didn't get laid.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"You could have told them the truth, ya know." Dean is sitting on the kitchen counter in his brother's apartment while Sam makes stir-fry. "Who cares what they think anyway?"

Dean takes a moment to glare at him, "I care alright? I know I shouldn't, but I do okay? It's still a boy's club in that department. I come out and I can kiss any hope of getting into SWAT goodbye. They'd never let a fag onto the team."

His younger brother sighs, "You know that's discrimination, right? You could sue, Dean. I'd even represent you…pro bono."

"Sammy, I know you mean well, but just drop it okay? I came over so you could make me feel better, not worse, man. Isn't it enough that I came out to you and Bobby?"

"You didn't exactly have a choice, Dean. We walked in on you sucking face with Jeff from upstairs. I'm just glad we didn't come in and see you sucking something else."

"DUDE!" Try as he might, Dean can't quite keep the blush from spreading across his cheeks, "Why do you say shit like that?!"

Sam's laugh is loud and contagious, "For the look on your face, dude. That shocked outrage is totally worth it. It's like I kicked a puppy or something."

"You're a bitch, Sammy."

"And you're a jerk, but I still love you and I still think you should have told Jo the truth. She'd be the least judgmental of them all. I mean, do you even have any friends in that department besides Andrea?" Sam shuts the stove off and turns to look at him expectantly.

Dean slides to the floor, turning to open a cupboard and pulls a pair of plates down. "Hey! I have friends!"

"Name two, Dean." Sam makes one of his infamous bitch-faces and taunts, "Don't worry, I'll wait."

Dean's only slightly offended as he thinks, pausing with his hand in the silverware drawer, "Ash, from Motor Pool and…"

"See? You have two friends, Dean. It's almost you're afraid to let anyone too close. Ever since Jeff dumped you, you're different. More closed off, more-"

"Enough! Stop with the chick-flick moment, Sam. Jeff didn't 'dump' me. We agreed to go our separate ways, okay? Now, can we eat, please? I'm starving."

Dean has to admit the reason the conversation's making him uncomfortable is because Sam's right. The break-up with Jeff had wounded him badly, way more than he'd like to admit. It had been a great six months, almost idyllic. Up until Dean had come over, hoping to surprise Jeff for his birthday, only to find Jeff in bed with a petite brunette. A petite, _female_ brunette. That was the last time Dean had seen or spoken to Jeff and ever since, Dean's avoided dating like the plague. He didn't want to put himself out there, only to get hurt again. It's the only reason he allows Ellen to play matchmaker; it's safe. Dean knows she'll never set him up with someone he'll fall for and who'd eventually break his heart.

"Dean?" His brother's voice is cautious, "I'm sorry I brought him up. It was-"

"Drop it, Samantha. I'm done with this conversation. Either shut up and eat or I'm leaving." Dean hands one of the plates to Sam and glowers, daring his brother to push the subject. Luckily he doesn't. All he does is take the proffered plate to serve a heaping portion of stir-fry for them both.


	2. The Things You Do For Your Friends

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse

* * *

**Chapter 2 - The Things You Do For Your Friends**

"Hey, Freckles, you got a minute?"

Dean looks up from the report he's typing up and frowns at Jo, "You know I hate that nickname, right?" The smile he gets is mischievous and he regrets having admitting it, because now Jo will undoubtedly use it even more.

"I know. Your point being….?"

"There a reason you're bothering me, Harvelle? I need to finish this report before Crowley eats my soul for dinner." His fingers are hovering over the keyboard and when Jo doesn't answer, he starts typing. Dean knows she's still standing there, leaning against the desk. He also knows Jo will say whatever's on her mind whenever she's good and ready.

"So, here's the thing," Dean looks up briefly, smiling as she pulls a chair closer, "Anna over at St. Joe's wants to meet up for drinks after work, but she's bringing a friend with her. She says her friend's 'in a bad spot' and-"

"You want me to take one for the team and be the pity date, just so you can get laid? Jo, that's bad, even for you."

Jo punches his arm and hisses, "Shut up, Winchester! I like her ok? In the I-Want-Her-Around-For-Breakfast-The-Next-Morning way." Dean feels his eyes widen in surprise and he studiously keeps his head down to avoid another punch. "I thought you were my friend, Freckles."

Dean sighs and levels her with a look, "I _am_ your friend, Jo. It's just-"

"Just what, Dean? You don't have to sleep with her. All you have to do is keep her from feeling like the third wheel. Who knows, maybe you'll have fun?" Dean can't help but laugh at the hopeful look on his friend's face; she's batting her eyelashes at him and pouting pathetically.

Biting his lip, Dean nods, "All right, I'll do it, but you owe me big-time, Joanna Beth."

The squeal Jo lets out as she hugs him makes everyone turn and stare. In typical Jo fashion, she stands up and waves her hands dismissively, "What? Nothing to see here, people! Everyone back to work!" Satisfied that no one is listening she leans in to hug Dean again, whispering, "Thanks, Freckles. See you when your shift's over."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"So what's this girl's name?"

Dean's changing in the locker room while Jo stands in the doorway, back facing him, "Her name's Cas; she's a doctor in the emergency room." Jo's stops talking and at her silence, he looks up to see another officer walk into the locker room. Dean smiles a greeting and zips his duffle bag closed. He shuts his locker and makes sure his shirttails are covering the service weapon at his hip before joining Jo in the doorway.

"Ready?"

Jo nods and eyes him up and down, grinning wickedly, "Nice shirt, handsome."

He arches a brow at her and shrugs, "What? It was a gift from Sam okay? You know I don't go for the designer shit. I only wear it because-"

"Your brother buys you Armani? Damn, can I be your long lost sister?" Before Dean can say anything, Jo is slipping her arm through his, "I was being serious, Freckles. It looks good on you, the color brings out your eyes."

"Uh," Dean's flabbergasted and it takes him a moment to respond, "thanks."

"Try not to look so shocked, Dean, I _can_ be a nice person." She grins at him when he pushes the door open for her, "My car or yours? Like I need to ask."

Dean holds up his keys, shaking them with a laugh, "I'm not getting stranded when you hook up with your dream girl, Joanna." At her scowl, he wiggles his eyebrows teasingly. The walk to the Impala is short and before long, they're pulling out of the parking garage and onto Federal Avenue.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"What can I get you, gorgeous?"

Dean feels someone touch his forearm and hears, "I think she's talking to you."

He looks towards at the guy's voice briefly before turning to address the bartender, "Oh, sorry! Um…whiskey and a PBR, please." The bartender nods and goes to fill his order. Dean laughs as he turns, "Thanks, I didn't know she was talking to me."

The guy's slightly shorter him and is busy texting, answer slightly distracted as his thumbs fly over the screen, "Yea, well, I knew she wasn't talking to me." His tone is self-deprecating, "I've been standing here for almost five minutes and she hasn't even looked at me."

"Dude, no way!" Dean's waving the bartender back and misses when the guy looks up, "Hey, my friend here's been waiting for awhile, can you add his drinks to my order?" Dean pauses to look back and stops talking, mouth dropping open slightly; the guy has the bluest eyes Dean's ever seen.

Luckily, the guy's turned towards the bar, so he doesn't notice him gawking. "A vodka tonic and whatever you have on tap, please." When the bartender moves away again, Blue Eyes turns back to him and smiles, "Thanks."

"Don't mention it." Dean's stunned, because if he'd thought the guy's eyes were nice, his smile is even better. "It gets crazy here on Wednesdays. Ladies' Night," he clarifies, "I completely forgot what day it was when I agreed to come." Their drinks are up and he passes the vodka tonic and pilsner glass to the man. To the bartender he calls out, "Add it to my tab."

She nods and Dean turns back when the guy speaks, "You didn't have to pay for them, I would have-"

Dean interrupts him with a grin, "Consider it reparations for cutting in line. No harm, no foul. We're even, deal?" Blue Eyes nods and follows him through the crowd. "I'm Dean by the way."

"Pleasure to meet you, Dean. My name is-"

"CAS! Over here!" Dean looks up to see a beautiful redhead waving his companion over. Easing into the booth next to her is a smiling Joanna Beth Harvelle.

"You're Cas?!" The other man nods, expression curious, but Dean is too busy glaring at Jo to notice. He leans in to hiss in her ear, "You said Cas was a _girl_!"

Jo shrugs and whispers back, "I made a mistake, ok? I didn't actually ask if it was a girl or not, just figured 'Cas' was short for Cassandra." Dean huffs in exasperation, rolling his eyes when he notices her mouthing 'sorry' before giving him an apologetic smile.

"Am I missing something?" The question is tentative and Dean turns back to Blue Eyes -correction- Cas.

"I um…" Dean clears his throat and hedges, "Jo here was under the impression you were female…when she invited me to come along."

"She what?" Cas looks at Jo and then Anna, realization dawning on him, "You told him I was a woman?"

Anna has the decency to look ashamed. "I didn't say you were a woman, per se…just…she told me she was bringing Dean. I heard 'Dee' and…" Her voice trails off and she shrugs delicately. "I understand if you want to go."

Dean doesn't want him to leave, he really doesn't, so he puts a hand on Cas' shoulder, "Hey, it's fine. We can still carry on a conversation, right?" He gives the other man his best smile and fist pumps the air when Cas nods. "Yuss!"

The two women laugh and scoot in further to make room in the semi-circular booth. Dean ends up sitting across from Cas and finds it very hard not to stare. The other man takes a sip of his beer and looks up, catching Dean ogling him. The smile he gives him is shy, "So tell me, Dean, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm uh," Dean clears his throat and looks at Jo, because this is when people usually stop talking to him. His friend smiles and nods slightly, urging him on. He wipes his hand over his mouth and takes a long drink of his beer before answering in a rush, "I'm a cop. Jo tells me you're an ER doc?"

Cas nods, "That's correct. Just finished up my fellowship in emergency medicine. I haven't been at St. Joe's long…before that I was at Angel of Mercy, but-"

Dean startles briefly when his cell rings and he holds up a hand in apology, "Sorry, I thought I put it on silent." He slides out of the booth and reaches into his back pocket of his jeans to pull the phone out, answering it without checking the Caller ID, "Winchester."

He rolls his eyes when he realizes it's his brother, _"Hey, what you doing, jerk? Jess and I are making lasagna and she insists I invite you over."_

"I'm at Crossroads, with Jo," Dean looks up and notices Cas eyeing his service weapon. He pulls the shirttails back down over the handgun, "Thanks for offer anyway, Samantha. See you tomorrow, okay?" Dean doesn't wait for answer; he simply ends the call and makes sure the phone is on silent before slipping it into his pocket again. He slides back into the booth and apologizes, "Sorry about that."

Cas is staring into his beer and doesn't look up, "It's fine, don't worry about it."

Dean takes a drink from his beer and asks, "So what made you leave Angel of Mercy?" He's a little surprised when Cas doesn't answer, "Hey, it's okay. You don't have to tell me, I'm just making conversation. I'm a nosy fucker, goes with the job description, I guess."

Cas smiles briefly and finally looks up, "I um…I had a…disagreement with another physician and since discretion is the better part of valor, I left."

"Dude, seriously?" At Cas' nod, Dean raises his brows, "I probably would have decked the guy, but hey…that's just me." He huffs a laugh and frowns slightly when Cas seems to shrink into himself a bit.

"Violence isn't the answer to everything, you Neanderthal."

The caustic retort is from Anna and Dean looks over at her in surprise, eyes widening, "I didn't say it was. I just said-"

The redhead's lips are pressed in a thin line and she shakes her head angrily, "I heard what you said." Dean's at a loss to what the hell is going on, but he does notice Anna's fingers wrap loosely over the other man's wrist.

Taking a long drink off his beer, he mutters softly under his breath, "Open mouth and insert foot." Before he can say something that will ruin Jo's chances with Anna, he slides out of the booth, "I'm gonna get another beer, anyone want anything?"

Neither Anna nor Cas says anything. Only Jo holds up her nearly empty glass, "Will you get me another whiskey, Freckles?"

Dean nods; he sees Cas look up at the nickname and carefully avoids his gaze, turning to make his way towards the bar. Well, this night has quickly turned out to be a study in Go-With-Your-Gut-And-Say-No and he doesn't even know what the fuck he did to piss off Anna. One flippant little joke and he was a jerk. So much for being Jo's wingman…maybe he should beg off and head over to Sammy's instead; at least there he'd get a warmer reception. Dean's pulling his cell phone out of his pocket, when he hears Cas behind him, "I'm sorry about Anna. She's a bit…overprotective."

He turns and shrugs, spinning the phone between his thumb and index finger, "Don't worry about it. Hey, sorry about not being what you expected. You probably thought you were gonna hook up with some hot chick and in walks this bow-legged Neanderthal instead."

Cas smiles and Dean swears his stomach drops, "You're not bow-"

The other man stops talking, head tilted as he takes in the sight of Dean's legs, "Yea, I am. Trust me, you should see me without pants on…no denying it then." Dean blushes when he realizes what he just said, one hand coming up to rub at the back of his neck in embarrassment. He squeezes his eyes shut and mutters, "I cannot believe I just said that."

The laughter is genuine, "Neither can I, actually. One beer and you're already offering to strip for me. Who knew my 'date' would be easy?"

Dean tosses his head back and laughs, his hand coming up to cover his face, "Oh my God, will you please stop! You're making me blush. I'm mortified enough as it is."

"Mortified…big word for a Neanderthal." Dean opens his eyes and finds Cas smiling at him, eyes crinkling in the corners.

"Yea…about that," he's not sure why, but Dean feels he should apologize, "I'm sorry if I upset you by making light of your situation. I'm a bit of hothead, but I'm a nice guy; just ask Jo. I'm not violent, honest." Cas is staring at his service weapon again and Dean frowns, "If it bothers you, I can put it in my car."

Cas looks up, eyes squinting slightly, "I'm sorry, what?"

"The gun," Dean explains, "If it bothers you, I can go put it in my car. It's not a big deal. I forget some people aren't used to being around weapons. To me it's like another piece of clothing. Most of the time I don't notice it, but I've caught you looking at it twice already. The only thing I can think of is: you're either a Badge Bunny, which I doubt _or _you don't like guns."

"What in the world is a badge…what did you call it?"

"A Badge Bunny. It's a person, usually a woman, who dates cops simply because they're cops." At the shocked look on Cas' face, Dean quickly clarifies, "I didn't make up the term! I'm just answering your question. So…if it's bothering you, just let me know, okay?"

The other man nods and before he can answer, Jo's wrapped around his waist, grinning up at him, "Hey, Freckles…can you take Cas home? Anna invited me over and well…"

"I," Dean narrows his eyes at her and quirks a brow, "Sure, Jo. If Cas wants a ride, I'll take him home. Have fun, okay?"

Jo squeals softly and hugs him tight, "Thanks, Dean-o!" She turns to Cas and tells him, "It was nice meeting you. Stick with my friend here and he'll show you a good time. Trust me!"

"Joanna! Get out of here before I-"

"Bye, Dean!" With that the blonde is gone, weaving through the crowd to join Anna. The redhead is watching them and when she catches Cas' eye, she makes the universal 'call me' sign and waves before taking Jo's hand and walking out of the bar.

"And then there were two," Dean mutters.

Cas looks up and is quick to assure him, "I can take a cab home, Dean."

"Nah, man, it's fine. I just think it's pretty shitty of your _overprotective_ friend to just ditch you like that, without even consulting with you first. That's all." He shrugs and pulls the keys to the Impala out of his pocket, "You ready to go or did you want to hang out some more?"

"Think maybe we can go somewhere…quieter? This place is giving me a headache and the smoke is bothering my eyes a little." Dean nods, making his way to the bar to settle his tab. He pulls out his wallet but before he can retrieve his card, Cas is already signing a receipt with a flourish, "Drinks are on me, Freckles."

Dean groans and turns to head for the door; damn Jo and her big mouth! The trip to the parking lot is about two blocks and it passes in companionable silence. "So where do you live, Cassandra?"

They've reached the car and Dean's forearms are resting on the roof, waiting for Cas' answer, "It's Castiel actually…and I live on Seraphim Circle in Harmony Heights. You know where that is?"

Dean nods, "Yea I know where it is. Just past that huge church…the one with the beautiful stained glass windows, right?"

"Our Lady of The Holy Trinity, yes, that's the one."

Dean unlocks his door and gets into the Impala, reaching across the front seat to unlock Castiel's door, "There anywhere in particular you want to go or should I just head to your place?" He realizes that if Castiel were a date, his question would have sounded extremely presumptuous. Luckily, the other man doesn't seem to notice.

"We can head to my apartment. I have beer and we can order in if you want food. I'm not home much so I doubt there's anything edible in my fridge."

Dean laughs softly and pulls onto the street, "Dude, I know what you mean. I work so much I hardly eat at home. Most nights I eat at my brother's or at this little diner down the block from my apartment. They have decent burgers and their pie is fucking awesome, practically orgasmic."

Cas smiles and murmurs teasingly, "That good, huh? Maybe we should go to your place and you can feed me one of those orgasm pies."

Dean looks over quickly, eyes wide. Was Cas flirting with him? He's not sure; it's been awhile since Dean's even cared if another man was flirting with him, but with Cas sitting next to him, he's almost afraid to hope. The man is gorgeous, funny and if Dean's not careful, he could definitely fall for him. If he's honest with himself, Cas is totally his type, except Dean's not even sure if he's gay. Maybe he's just being nice and Dean is getting all the signals wrong. That would be awkward and so not what he needs right now. The sound of a throat being cleared breaks Dean out of his thoughts, "You uh…you missed the exit."

"What?" Dean slows down and looks in the rearview mirror, "Dammit! I did. Well, now I feel stupid."

"You can take the next exit and turn onto Angel Falls, it takes you right to Seraphim Circle, but it's a longer drive because it goes around the lake."

Exiting the highway, Dean teasingly asks, "Are all the street names…"

"Celestial in nature? Yes. The tag line for the subdivision is 'A tiny bit of Heaven on Earth.'" Castiel even does the air quotes as he speaks.

Dean tries to not laugh (he really does) and fails miserably, "That is so frickin' cheesy. Someone actually got paid to come up with that? Wow, just, wow. They probably got paid more than I make in a year." He sees Cas shrug and turns the Impala onto Angel Falls. On a whim he asks, "Hey, you ever been to the lake at night?"

"Nope. I just moved here a month ago and like I said, I'm rarely home. I'm not even sure if the lake is open at night."

"Dude, you're with a cop! What are they gonna do, arrest you?"

Cas sputters, "I wouldn't know. Never been out with a cop before. Will they arrest me? If we trespass, I mean?"

Dean pulls into the lake parking lot and cuts the engine, leaning in to whisper conspiratorially, "Don't worry, Cassie, I'll keep the 5-0 off you. I'm the only cop you're spending time with tonight." He grins and exits the car, popping the trunk before shutting his door. Coming around to the back of the Impala, Dean grabs the old blanket out of the trunk and hands it to Cas when he finally joins him. "You're cool with the gun or do you want me to leave it here?"

"I'm fine with it."

"You sure?" At Cas' nod, Dean grabs the lantern flashlight and shuts the trunk, "Relax, Cas, this is supposed to be fun. Come on." He jerks his head towards the shore and starts walking to the water's edge.

Cas follows after him and spreads the blanket on the small shore, "So…do you do this often? Bring dates to the lake at night, I mean."

Dean shakes his head, setting the lantern down next to the blanket before sitting down with a small groan, "Nope, you're the first one, doc. I don't go on dates." He turns to meet Castiel's gaze and smiles, earning him a shy smile in return. Dean rolls onto his left side, resting his cheek against his upturned palm. "So tell me all your secrets, Dr. Castiel."

His companion blinks slowly, mouth slightly open, a small choked sound dying in his throat, "I uh, well…I don't have many secrets, Officer Winchester."

Dean laughs at the terrified look on Castiel's face and rolls onto his back. He shuts his eyes, fingers interlacing over his stomach, "Mmm…good to know." He yawns briefly and reaches up to pinch the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger.

"If you are tired, Dean, you can drive me to my apartment. Don't feel like you need to entertain me. Your job was to keep me from feeling awkward during Anna and Jo's date…and well, that part is over. As far as we're concerned anyway."

"You knew about that? The whole anti-third-wheel pairing?" Dean opens his eyes briefly and catches Cas' nod. The other man is sitting with his arms wrapped around his bent knees, his t-shirt riding up to expose the small of his back. Faint lines are barely visible above the waistband of his jeans and Dean is about to sit up to get a better look when the doctor turns to catch him staring. He reaches back as if only just realizing his bare skin is exposed and tugs the hem down, spinning around to face him.

"Anna means well, but sometimes she just doesn't know when to quit." Castiel gives him a tight smile and eases onto his side, facing him. "Is being a cop as cool as the movies make it seem?" Dean knows Cas is changing the subject intentionally, but he allows him to.

"Some days it is…other days," Dean sighs, "Other days, it's a nightmare. I love it though. Can't imagine doing anything else."

Castiel nods and traces a finger over the exposed barrel of Dean's gun, "Have you ever shot anyone?" The question is quiet, almost inaudible and when Dean opens his eyes, he's surprised to see just how close Cas is. He sits up and rests his forearms across his knees.

"I um…yea, actually. I have." Dean clears his throat and sucks in a deep breath, "My partner and I responded to a public disturbance call in Ruby Hills." Dean laughs mirthlessly, "You ever been there?" At Cas' shake of the head, he continues, "There are no hills and definitely no rubies. So, anyway…Pamela and I pull up in our squad car and our 'public disturbance' call turns out to be a drug dealer beating his next-door neighbor with a pipe. Apparently, his dog had taken a shit in her yard and she'd scooped it over the fence into his yard. He went over to confront her and he, um…he," Dean clears his throat again and shakes his head, "he just walked over there and started wailing on her. Pamela tried to get him to put the pipe down, but he charged her. She tripped on the garden hose in the lady's yard and when he lifted that pipe, I reacted. I shot him. Three times. In the chest. He died on the scene. The woman died two days later at the hospital."

Dean feels Castiel before he _feels_ him, the heat of his palm seeming to sear into the skin of his upper arm. He turns his head to smile at him. The other man smiles back and before he knows what's happening, Dean's leaning forward to kiss him. Cas is mere millimeters away when his cellphone rings, the strains of Bach's Toccata and Fugue echoing across the lake.

Both men laugh as Castiel pulls the cell phone out of his pocket, voice soft as he answers, "Hello?" The smile dies instantly on Cas' face, "No, I'm not at the hospital…I gave sign out at five…I'm not at home either…I realize what time it is." Cas looks up at meets Dean's curious gaze and stands, walking some distance away to continue his call. Snippets of the conversation float back to him and Dean tries very hard not to listen.

"_It doesn't matter where I am." _Cas hisses something even Dean can't hear_. "No, you can't." _The other man rubs his eyes, head tipping back. "_Al, please…it's not,_" he releases a small tired sigh, "…_just take them_." Cas is pacing some fifteen feet away, kicking stones into the water when he finally snaps, "Just take the goddamn pills, Alastair, and leave me the fuck alone!"

Dean stands up and walks over to where Cas is. He can see the other man's shoulders shaking; the knuckles of his hand white from how tight he's clutching the phone in his fist. "Castiel? You okay?" Dean presses a hand to the small of his back and is surprised when Cas pulls away, tears in his eyes. "Woah…it's me," Dean holds his hands up in a gesture of surrender, "…just me." He's startled when Cas is suddenly pressed against his chest, arms wrapped tightly around him. Dean awkwardly hugs the man, one hand rubbing soothing circles in the center of his back and asks gently "Do you want to talk about it?"

The smaller man shakes his head and Dean hears him whisper, "Just hold me, please?"

He tightens his arms around Cas and nods, tucking him under his chin, "Yea, okay. I can do that."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Thank you for the ride, Dean."

They're sitting outside of Cas' apartment complex, car idling, "Hey, no problem. I uh…had a good time." Dean wants to ask the other man for his number, but he's still afraid of rejection, "Too bad we didn't get to have one of those orgasm pies, huh?"

Cas nods, "Yes, an orgasm would definitely have been a better end to this date." Dean's eyes widen and he tightens his grip on the steering wheel, because he's not going to say it, he's really not. No cheesy pick-up lines…nope, not from him. Before he can say anything, though, Castiel mutters, "I can't believe that just came out of my mouth. I probably sounded like some desperate-"

"Hey, don't worry about it. You've had a rough night. I'll pretend I didn't hear you." Dean smiles and his heart flips a little when Castiel smiles back.

"I should go in, I have to be up for work in less than seven hours. Goodnight, Dean." And just like that, the other man is out of the car and walking towards the apartment building.

"Yea, see ya around," Dean whispers to himself. He watches until Castiel is inside the building before putting the Impala in drive and heading home.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~


	3. Rise and Shine, Dean Winchester

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse

* * *

**Chapter 3 - Rise and Shine, Dean Winchester**

Dean wakes up to the sound of his cell phone vibrating on the nightstand. He reaches for it blindly and answers, voice sleep-rough, "Hello?"

"_Hey, Freckles, how's about you wake up that sexy doctor and remind him he should have been at work an hour ago?"_ Jo's voice is entirely too perky for…Dean looks at the time…eight in the morning.

"What?" It's too early for Dean to be dealing with Jo. She's the type of person he needs coffee to deal with. He burrows under the covers and yawns.

"_I said…roll over and wake up your sexy new doctor friend. He's late for work." _His friend's voice is exasperated and Dean can hear Anna's voice in the background, whispering urgently to Jo.

"Jo, Cas isn't here. I dropped him off at his apartment last night and came home. I'm by myself." Dean is slowly starting to wake up and he's more than a little upset that his chance to sleep late has been ruined. "Now could you please leave me alone? Today's my only day off."

"_What do you mean he isn't there? He never called me last night. I tried calling him at work and they said he never got there. I tried calling his cell but it keeps going to voicemail." _If it's too early for Jo, it is _definitely_ too early to deal with Anna and her attitude.

"I don't know what to tell you, Anna, but I dropped him off at his apartment last night." Dean is officially awake; might as well get up. He sits up and rubs at his face, yawning again, "Did you try his home phone? Maybe he overslept and his cell's battery is dead?"

_"I already tried, it just rings. Cas has never been late to work and I'm kinda freakin' out over here."_

"I'm sure he's fine, Anna." Dean gets up and walks across his bedroom, pulling a pair of jeans out of the closet. "Here, how about I go over there and check on him? That make you feel better?" Holding the cell phone between his ear and shoulder, he slips the jeans on and fastens them.

_"I'm already on my way,"_ her voice is distracted and nervous, _"I have a key for emergencies."_

"Okay, well, I'll meet you there." Anna's answer is brief and then the call's over. Dean's already tucked his service weapon into the back of his jeans so he pulls on a shirt and his boots. He grabs the keys to the Impala and heads out, rushing down the short flight of stairs to the lobby.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Anna's car is barely pulling into the parking lot when Dean arrives at Castiel's. He cuts the Impala's engine and gets out, waving briefly as he heads up the walkway to the building. A woman in a bathrobe is walking her dog and Dean smiles at her in greeting. Anna and Jo follow him into Cas' building. The lobby is small and Dean's not sure where they're going so he allows Anna to take the lead, following her up the stairs to the second floor. He's halfway down the hall when he hears a small gasp. The door to apartment 275 is slightly ajar and Dean is instantly in cop-mode. He grabs Anna's elbow before she can rush in and gets in front of her. Dean draws his service weapon and turns to look at the women, "Stay here." With that warning he slowly pushes the door open and moves cautiously into the apartment, calling out, "Cas? It's Dean…you okay, man?"

The small entryway is clear; Cas' keys and cell phone are on a small table by the door, the blinking red light on the phone undoubtedly indicating several missed calls. Dean passes into a tidy living room, a small stack of boxes in one corner. The dining room is next, only distinguishable because it's full of moving boxes marked 'dining room.' He passes the kitchen and notices a water glass broken on the tile by the sink. Dean calls out again as he hurries down the hall past an empty bathroom and a room he assumes to be a guest bedroom. Outside the door at the end of the hall, he can hear the sound of a shower running. Dean pushes the door open and his blood freezes.

The room is destroyed, that's the only way he can think of describing it. The lamp is smashed on the floor; there's a small desk in the corner, it's chair overturned; several picture frames are broken on the floor and a laptop sits at the foot of the bed in two pieces, screen shattered. Dean quickly clears the room and small closet, turning finally to the last unchecked door in the apartment. The shower is still running, regardless of Dean's numerous attempts to get Cas' attention. He pushes the door open against the wall and sweeps the gun around the room; it's empty. Except there, on the floor of the shower stall, is Cas, naked and huddled in a fetal position.

"CAS!" Dean holsters his gun and rushes over, pulling the door open. He shuts the water off and grabs a towel to wrap around the other man's shoulders, "Cas, can you hear me?" He doesn't get a response, but Dean can see the slow rise and fall of his chest. Dean feels for a pulse and the second his fingers touch cold skin, Cas is lashing out at him, hands scratching at his face and arms. "Cas, it's Dean. I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm here to help. Calm down, buddy."

Sobs are wracking Cas' body and it pains Dean to restraint him, but he does. He pins Cas' arms to his sides and wraps the towel around him as best he can. "Oh my God!" Dean turns to see Anna in the doorway, a shocked expression on her face.

"Call 911 and get an ambulance here. Give them my name and badge number. Anna!" The redhead startles and finally makes eye contact, "Go with Jo and do what I said. Please."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

By the time the ambulance gets there, Dean is soaking wet from holding Cas. His legs are wrapped around the other man's body to keep him from trying to kick and flail. "Shhh, Cas, it's alright. You're safe now. No one's going to hurt you. I'm right here." Cas is shaking and rocking back and forth against Dean.

"Please…"

That single word is the only thing Cas has said in the last ten minutes. He's repeated it over and over in a pained litany, each utterance of the word squeezing Dean's heart in his chest. Castiel sounds so broken and Dean feels helpless, "Shhh, Cas, shhh." Dean presses his cheek to the top of Cas' head and closes his eyes, a single tear slipping past his eyelids.

"Sir? If you could step aside so we can examine him?" Dean's eyes snap open and he grunts when Cas' nails scratch down his arm. The two paramedics are standing by the shower and a scared looking Anna is talking to a uniformed officer outside the door.

Dean nods and whispers to the man in his arms, "Hey Cas, the ambulance is here. They need to check you over okay?" At the other man's sobs, he soothes gently, "It's okay, Cas…I won't let them hurt you. I'll be right here with you." The only response he gets is a whispered 'I'm fine' and Dean gently scolds him, "You're not fine, Cas. You've been sitting in the shower for God knows how long, you're skin's freezing, you're covered in bruises and your bedroom looks like a hurricane made landfall in it. Just let them look you over and if _they_ say you're fine…"

He peeks down and sees a single sapphire blue eye watching the two paramedics warily. "I don't want him touching me." Dean looks up at the male paramedic and presses his lips together. The guy nods and his partner moves forward, a pretty brunette whose nametag reads 'B. Talbot.' Dean smiles thank you at both paramedics and breaths a sigh of relief when Cas relaxes against him.

"Hello, Cas, is it? My name is Bela and I'm here to help. I need to look you over, is that okay?" Dean feels Cas nod against his chest and whispers encouragement when he allows Bela to take his vital signs. "Can you tell me what happened, Cas?" When her patient whimpers 'no' Bela continues in a gentle voice, "That's okay. You don't have to tell me. Now, are you hurting anywhere? You have quite a few bruises and I need to check if there's any broken bones."

"Nothing's broken." It's the first time Cas' voice sounds normal. Dean looks down and notices the cut on Cas' cheek and his swollen lip. "They're just cuts and bruises, I'll be fine."

Bela nods and shines as she shines a light in Cas' eyes, "Okay, but will you come down to the hospital so you can get some x-rays? I'm sure your boyfriend would feel much better if a doctor looked you over."

Dean feels Cas stiffen in his embrace and he corrects the female paramedic, "I'm not his boyfriend. Just a friend, right Cas?" The other man nods and pulls away from Dean slightly, the soaked towel clenched tightly in his fingers. Dean wipes a hand over his own face and slowly stands up, grabbing another towel from the rack and draping it over the thinner man. "You think you can stand up, Castiel? Or do you want me to help you?"

"I can do it, Dean. I'm not a child."

The answer is abrupt and Dean holds up his hands, stepping out of the shower to allow Cas room to exit, ready to catch him if he stumbles. The male paramedic, nametag declaring him A. Milligan, hands Bela a thick blanket to wrap around their patient. Dean watches as she secures Cas to the stretcher with a series of straps and the two of them wheel Cas out of the small room. Dean remains in the bathroom, hands in the pocket of his jeans, head back as he stares at the ceiling, wondering what the hell happened.

"Hey, Winchester?" The voice is familiar and Dean turns to the turn to see Carmen, Officer Lewis, in the hall outside the bathroom. "You got a second?"

He nods and is about to answer when a panicked _'DEAN!'_ sounds from down the hall. Dean is rushing towards the sound of Cas' frightened voice and finds him cowering slightly from the plain clothes detective trying to question him. "Hey, Uriel! Back off, man! Let him get checked out at the hospital before you badger him with questions." The two paramedics look at him gratefully and continue out the front door without a backward glance. Uriel's only response is to glare and raise a threatening finger. Dean waves him off and follows the stretcher out, stopping only to ask Jo to stick around until he gets back.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"There's obvious signs of sexual assault, but he's refusing to let us do a rape kit. There's also several bruises, all in various stages of healing, but he says he got them during the move." The doctor, a blue-eyed blonde man with a British accent, pauses and puts a hand on Dean's shoulder, "You can go in if you want. He's sleeping, but he was asking for you. I'm assuming you're Dean?"

"Yea," Dean gives the doctor a tired smile and looks down at his wet clothes when he's handed a set of scrubs and a towel by a passing volunteer. He takes them and slips into Cas' room quietly. The man is huddled under a pile of blankets, the top of his head barely visible. "Castiel? It's Dean. Your doctor said you were asking for me?"

There's no response from the bed so Dean takes the time to pull his damp t-shirt off up over his head. He quickly dries his arms and chest with the towel and with a brief look towards the bed, strips out of the jeans. He's tying the waistband of the scrub bottoms when he hears a whispered, "You _are_ bow-legged." Dean looks up and sees Castiel watching him from the bed, the blanket now tucked under his chin.

He laughs nervously and teases, "Got to see me pant-less in under twenty four hours. Congratulations, Dr. Novak." Dean crosses the room to the bed, pulling the scrub top on as he walks. He drags a chair closer to the bed and sits down, one hand reaching out to press the back of his fingers against Castiel's forehead, "Well, you feel warmer so that's good." Dean smiles when Cas' eyes drift shut at his touch, his fingers lingering on the man's hair.

"I'm feeling better. Sore, but I'll be fine. Balthazar said there's no broken bones and that this," he pauses to point at the cut on his cheek, "doesn't need stitches."

"Well that's good. About the other stuff, Cas…"

"What other stuff?" Castiel's reaction is defensive and he pulls away slightly. Dean knows the doctor probably shouldn't have told him as much as he did, but he'd seen his badge and Dean supposes that got him a bit more information than he was legally allowed.

He leans to press his forehead to other man's, his hand curling around the back of his head, "Cas, you need to let them do a rape kit. It's the only way we'll catch the guy that did this to you. I know it's-"

"You know nothing! Balthazar's wrong! No one did this to me! I fell a-a-and I cut my cheek when I did. The rest of the bruises are from the move. That's all." Dean sighs and sits back in the chair, watching him. Castiel is glaring at him, face tight in anger, "I'd like you to leave now, Dean."

"Cas, please, let me help you."

"I said leave. Leave, leave, leave, LEAVE!" Cas is screaming at him, face reddened. He rolls over in the bed and gives Dean his back, once more huddling under the blankets.

Dean stands up and backs away from the bed. "Fine, I'm leaving, but if you need anything," he pauses when he hears a heated 'I won't' and retrieves his belongings. "Well if you do, I'll leave my number with the nurse." He turns and slips out the door past a nurse who's obviously come to investigate the source of the screams.


	4. Kilo One Nine, Please Respond

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse

* * *

**Chapter 4 - Kilo-One-Nine, Please Respond**

"How is he?" Dean sips his coffee and looks up at his companion.

Anna gives him a sad smile and shrugs, "Better. He's back at work." Her fingers are toying with the tea bag in her mug as she speaks. They're sitting in a small coffee shop just down the block from St. Joseph's and Dean is watching the people walk by outside.

"Well that's good. I stopped by his place the other day, but he wasn't there."

"He's staying with me for now. Until Balthazar clears him to drive."

Dean nods, "I wish he'd return my calls." The statement is uttered under his breath and he lifts the mug up for another drink of coffee. It's been two weeks since that morning and Dean hasn't seen or heard from Castiel since he'd kicked him out of his hospital room. It's not for lack of trying on Dean's part. He's called Cas' cell phone numerous times, stopped by his apartment twice and if Jo hadn't said he was acting 'stalkerish,' he probably would have driven to St. Joe's to look for him there.

"Give him time, Dean. He'll come around. I'm sure he'll call when he's ready."

The green-eyed man nods and pushes up from the table when a call comes over the radio on his shoulder, "Well that's me, gotta get back to work. Take care, Anna…tell Cas I said 'hi' will ya?"

"I will, Dean. Be careful out there."

Dean gives her his trademark smile, "Always."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"_Dean! Dean, look at me!"_

The voice is coming to him as if through a tunnel and Dean tries to sit up, only to be held down by a pair of capable hands. He hisses at the pain in his shoulder and blinks his eyes, trying to clear his vision. His head is throbbing a nasty rhythm and he's fighting to stay awake.

"_Winchester! You've been shot. You need to lie still. Don't move, a bus is on the way. Damn lucky you were wearing your vest, man."_

Slowly Dean recognizes his partner's voice and he turns towards it, "Pam? I can't see. Why can't I see, Pam?!" He's surprised by the terrified sound of his voice, "Pam! What happened to my eyes?"

"Hey, hey! You've got a huge cut on your forehead and there's a lot of blood. I put a field dressing on it, but you need to calm the fuck down! Help is on the way, okay?" Dean tries to nod and groans at the pain that flares through his head, seconds before he blacks out.

"_Dean…DEAN!"_

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"_He's got a rather large forehead laceration, a mild concussion and a fractured clavicle, but he's going to be fine."_

Dean comes to slowly, his brow furrowing at the familiar voice. He reaches up and feels a nasal cannula in his nose and gauze covering half his face. His fingers are clumsy and feel heavy. When he tries to open his eyes, the light sends a stab of pain through his head. The voice, he needs to speak to that voice. Weakly he calls out, "Cas?"

The sound of a curtain being pulled aside is the only warning he gets before Pamela rushes to his side, "Winchester! Thank God you're awake!" Dean winces at the volume of her voice and pulls away slightly.

"Hello, Dean." There's it is, the voice. He's been dying to hear that voice again for weeks and it nearly brings tears to his eyes. "Can you open your eyes for me, Dean?"

"Cas," he whispers faintly as he opens his eyes. The doctor is peering down at him, the overhead light casting a halo around his head. Dean smiles drunkenly and mumbles, "My angel…come t'save me?"

Pamela's shocked laughter is quickly stifled and Cas explains blandly, "That would be the pain medicine talking."

Dean reaches up and pats Castiel's cheek, "'s not the drugs. You're an angel. You live in Heaven 'member? 'sh not the drugs, p'omissss. Cas?"

"Yes, Dean?"

"Can I hav-ahh kisssh?" Pam chuckles and watches the interaction with interest. "Shh! Pam-a-lamma, shhhh…he's shhhy!" Dean brings a finger to cover her lips before turning back towards Castiel, puckering his lips and smacking loudly, "C'mere." His hand's reaching for the doctor and he giggles when Cas brushes his lips over the back of his fingers.

"There. Happy?" Dean nods slightly and smiles, babbling about angels and kisses.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

It's two days before Dean is released from the hospital, with plenty of teasing on Pamela's part about his apparent drunken flirting with the 'hot, blue-eyed' doctor. He doesn't remember anything between getting shot and waking up the next morning. Pam assures him he didn't do anything else to embarrass himself and quietly teases about the fact that Dean only flirted with the _male_ doctor and not all the pretty _female_ nurses. His partner is never going to let him live it down, but Dean can't find it in himself to care. He'd been waiting to speak to Castiel ever since he realized that Dr. Novak been the doctor on call in the emergency department the day of the shooting. Sadly, it was the blonde British doctor that came to give Dean the good news about his release. Since then, Dean's called Castiel twice, to no avail. It's obvious the other man is avoiding him, but Winchesters don't give up easy and he'll be damned if he lets the stubborn man ignore him.

"Hey, Dean, you hungry?" Sam's voice breaks him out of his thoughts and he turns towards the kitchen. "I made burgers, if you want one."

"Sure, Sammy. Just none of those sweet potato fries, okay?"

Dean's been staying with his brother since the shooting. He's on leave until cleared for duty and even then he'll be riding a desk while his collarbone heals. There's a brand new scar on his forehead and Jess jokes it will drive the girls wild because 'chicks dig scars' and they like 'wounded cops' even more. Dean had tried to smile at her joke and found he couldn't. She'd pressed a kiss to his temple and murmured about 'cute doctors too.'

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Welcome back, Freckles!"

"Hey, Jo. Miss me?" His friend gives him a gentle hug and nods. Dean is glad to be back at work. He's been going stir-crazy in Sam's apartment the last two weeks. Granted, he still needed help getting dressed and ready for work but at least now Dean could escape for eight hours at a time.

"I have something for you." Dean looks up and laughs at the teddy bear Jo puts on his temporary desk. It is dressed in little slacks and a blue button-down shirt under a white lab coat: a doctor bear. Jo grins and pats the stuffed toys head, "He's got a li'l name tag, see?" She points at the little badge that has a tiny picture of Castiel on it, "Dr. T. Bear, M.D."

Dean blushes slightly and smiles at his friend, "Thanks, Jo, I love it."

"You're welcome." With a cheeky grin she leaves the bullpen and heads back to her department. He turns to look at the bear and shakes his head with a laugh. It's really good to be back to work.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

In the months since his shooting, Dean has seen Cas a grand total three times. The first time was in the parking lot of Serenity apartments, walking towards his building with a rather tall man. Cas had looked nervous, but when the men kissed, Dean had pulled out of the parking lot and driven home. The second time was in the coffee shop near St. Joseph's, once again with the same man, this time holding hands; Dean had walked by without stopping. The next time was at Anna's surprise birthday party. They'd made eye contact and Cas had smiled. It had seemed like he'd been about to come talk to Dean when the tall man intercepted him and dragged him out of the apartment. Dean followed (simply to make sure the doctor was okay, he swears) only to find them on the rear stairs, Cas on his knees with the other man's dick in his mouth. That's when Dean had promised himself he would forget about the cute, blue-eyed doctor, because Cas had obviously moved on.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"_Kilo-one-nine, please respond."_

Dean picks up the squawking radio and answers, "This is kilo-one-nine, over."

"_We have a report of a report of a domestic disturbance at 1402 Seraphim Circle, apartment 275, over in Harmony Heights,"_ Dean stops breathing when he hears he address. It can't be, surely it's a mistake. When the dispatcher repeats the address, he swallows hard, slamming his foot on the gas in an effort to get there as quickly as possible.

It's his partner that answers, "Dispatch this is kilo-one-nine. 1402 Seraphim Circle, apartment 275 in Harmony Heights, en route, over."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Dean's out of the patrol car before he's even finished putting it into park, running up the sidewalk to the building, Pamela rushing after him. He makes it all the way to the top of the stairs before Officer Barnes catches up, stopping him with a hand on his bicep, "Dean, what the hell?! It's just a domestic disturbance. You know we probably won't even get in the door. What's the rush?"

"Pam, it's _his_ apartment."

"His?" Pamela tilts her head confusion and suddenly her eyes widen in comprehension, "Your doctor crush?" Dean rolls his eyes at her, but nods, pulling his arm out of her grip and hurrying down the hall towards Cas' door. "Dean, wait! Slow down. You need to keep calm. Don't jump to conclusions, okay?"

Dean isn't listening; he's already pounding on the door to apartment 275. "This is the police! We got a 911 call regarding this address. Open up!" No one comes to the door and Dean tries the doorknob. It's locked, but a door down the hall opens and woman waves him over. He rushes over and recognizes her; she'd been walking her dog the morning Cas had gone to the hospital. "Ma'am?"

"He's in there, officer. I heard yelling and breaking glass. You need to help him or that man's going to kill him." Dean looks up when he hears the door to Cas' apartment open, the same tall man standing in the doorway behind the chain. With a startled gasp, the neighbor is back into her apartment and latching the door shut.

"Evening, Sir, we got a report of a domestic disturbance at this address. Do you mind if we come in?" When Dean walks up, Pam is speaking to the man with a polite smile on her face.

"Really? Oh that must be the television. My partner and I were watching a movie and we must have had the volume turned it up too loud. Sorry you had to come all the way out here, Officer."

The man goes to close the door, but Dean puts his booted foot in the doorway, "I'm sorry, Sir, but I'm going to have to insist on speaking to the tenant that lives in the apartment. If you would be so kind as to have your 'partner' come to the door so we can speak to him and we'll be on our way." It's a lie, Dean had no intention of leaving without Castiel, but the other man doesn't need to know that.

The taller man squints at Dean and then looks down at his badge, "I'm going to have to refuse, Officer…Winchester. Unless you have a search warrant you have no legal grounds to come into my home. Now if you'll excuse me, we were in the middle of dinner." He pointedly looks down at where Dean's foot is blocking him from closing the door.

From somewhere inside the apartment comes a faint 'Dean, help, please!' It reaches both officers and within seconds their weapons are drawn, "Sir, step aside, NOW!" The man tries to shut the door and Dean snarls as he throws his shoulder against it. It takes two tries before the doorjamb gives in a spray of splinters. Both officers are through the door and in the apartment within seconds. There, in the middle of the hallway between the dining room and kitchen, is Castiel. He's wide-eyed and shaking, a knife to his throat. His assailant is standing behind him, hand fisted in the smaller man's hair as he drags him backwards towards the bedroom.

"Stay back! I'll kill him, I swear I'll kill him!"

Castiel is crying, tears streaming down his face. The fingers of his right hand are bloody and his left arm hanging uselessly at his side. Dean's jaw tightens and he takes a step forward, eyes fixing on the taller man, "Sir, let him go. I won't hesitate to shoot you." Cas looks up and reaches for him briefly, bloody fingers shaking. He whispers to the doctor, "It's okay, Cas, I'm right here."

At the sound of the nickname, the man yells, "You think you can have him? He's MINE! If I can't have him, no one will!"

"Shoot him…please…Dean, shoot him." Castiel's pleas make Dean furrow his brow, sweat beading down his face. His heartbeat is pounding in his ears and he swallows hard when Cas whispers, "Don't let him kill me, please…"

At the sound of Cas' voice, the man points the knife at Dean briefly then flips it to point downward towards his victim. It's all the two officers need; they both take a shot, one bullet takes him in the forehead, the other in the shoulder. The body spins away from his victim as it crumples to the floor. The smaller man drops to his knees, both hands around the knife protruding from the right side of his chest.

Pamela's secured the man and is calling for a bus and Dean's holding pressure to the wound when Cas whispers, "Don't pull the knife out…just…grab a towel and…"

"Shh, Cas…I know…shh, don't talk. The bus is on its way. Cas? Cas?! CAS!" The beautiful blue eyes are shut and Cas' mouth is lax. Dean yells at Pam, "Where's that bus?!" He's cradling the other man in his lap when the paramedics show up, "Cas, baby…open your eyes…don't you dare die on me…CAS!"


	5. Are You There God? It's Me, Dean

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse

**AN: **Dean's reading material is taken from Heckler & Koch's US website. Quote is from Lady Antebellum's Need You Now

* * *

**Chapter 5 - Are You There, God? It's Me, Dean Winchester**

"_And I don't know how_

_I can do without_

_I just need you now"_

"You need to eat, Dean. Come on, I'll stay with him while you go downstairs."

"No, Sammy…I want to be here if he wakes up." His fingers are smoothing over the tape securing the IV to the back of Castiel's hand. He looks up at his brother and fights to keep the tears from falling, "When. _When_ he wakes up." Nodding repeatedly, he says to no one in particular, "He's gonna wake up, he is, just you wait." Sam sighs and squeezes his brother's shoulder, face twisting when the elder Winchester leans over to press a kiss to Castiel's fingers.

"Okay, Dean. I'll bring you something." With that parting shot, Sam slips from the room and moves toward the elevator.

Dean sniffs and reaches up to wipe his eyes, "You have to wake up, Cassie…we have so much time to make up for, ya know?" With a small laugh, he teases, "There's this new exhibit at the Museum. It's called Body Works…and I need a doctor to give me the grand tour. You know…to tell me if the little cards are accurate. A-a-and there's a picnic at Angel Falls Lake next month…they're gonna have hot air balloon rides. Anna said you love hot air balloon rides. Me, I'm scared to death of heights, but for you…I'd go up there for you, Cas."

He looks up and leans forward to press a kiss to Castiel's temple, lips brushing his skin as he speaks. "Open your eyes, Cas, please? For me? Even it's to tell me to go to hell and leave you the fuck alone…just open your eyes and look at me. Show me those gorgeous blue eyes." Dean traces his fingertips over the curve of Cas' brow, gently tracing the faint scar on his cheek and then down along his jawline. He whispers, "I love you, ya know? I think I've loved you since the first moment I saw you. So, you need to wake up. I _need_ you to wake up, Cas." Dean sobs faintly and ducks his head, nestling it in the curve of Castiel's arm.

That's how his brother finds him twenty minutes later. Dean's snoring softly against the skin of Cas' forearm and Sam can't find it in his heart to wake him up. He sits down to keep watch over both of them instead.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"The damage was minimal, Officer Winchester. The knife missed all vital organs and structures…I can't tell you why he hasn't woken up. Sometimes people withdraw into themselves as a result of the trauma. I just…I don't know what to tell you. It's up to him now. He's the only one that can decide to wake up. Until then…"

The British doctor, Balthazar, puts a hand on Dean's shoulder and gently squeezes. Dean nods and gives him a tired smile. "I'll just keep bothering him until he wakes up. Even if all he does is wake up to tell me to fuck off."

Balthazar chuckles, "I hope I'm here when he does. I've never heard him use colorful language before…it would be a welcome change."

Dean grins and shakes the doctor's hand, "Thanks, doc.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Officer Dean Winchester isn't a religious man, but that night, he prays. He's not sure if it makes him a hypocrite for only praying when he needs something. Either way, it wouldn't have made a difference. He prays for many things, but most importantly, he prays for Dr. Castiel Novak to wake up.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"First developed in the mid-1960s, the 9 mm Heckler & Koch MP5 submachine gun uses the same delayed blowback operating system found on the famous HK G3 automatic rifle. Reliability, accuracy, ease of handling, simple maintenance, and safety—all the elements of HK excellence are highlighted on the MP5. Firing from the closed-bolt position in all modes of fire make MP5 submachine guns extremely accurate and controllable. Continual product improvements over more than 40 years of produc-"

"You're reading him weapon specs?" At the sound of Sam's voice, Dean looks up from his study guide and towards the door. His brother is smiling as he walks over, offering him a cup of coffee.

Dean takes the cup and grunts softly, "Yea well, I don't read poetry and I'm studying. So shut it. I take the SWAT written exam in three days." He moans softly at the first taste of coffee, eyes drifting shut.

"How you doing, Cas?" Sam wanders over to the bed and leans to whisper conspiratorially in the comatose man's ear, "He _does_ have a romantic side…hidden somewhere under the 'devil may care' tough-guy, cop exterior. You might have to get him drunk to find it though." Dean laughs and shuts his study guide, kicking a foot towards his brother's butt. Sam backs away with a snicker and sits down across from him.

"He's doing okay. Meg says he pulled his hand away when they were assessing him during rounds. She said he grimaced when they turned him. Oh and watch this," Dean sets his book aside and scoots his chair closer to the bed. He puts his fingers underneath Castiel's and inquires, "Hey, Cas…You wanna hold my hand again?" Dean waits and turns to look at his smiling brother when the other man's fingers slowly tighten around his.

"Dude! That's awesome!"

Dean nods, grinning like a loon. He lifts Cas' hand up to lightly kiss the backs of his fingers, "Yup. Now all he needs to do is wake up. I know he's in there. He's just playing hard to get. Aren't you, Cassie?"

Sam snorts and gets up, "Well, I gotta get back to the office. Just thought I'd stop by for a bit. Don't forget…dinner at my place tonight. Jess is making 'Pasta a la Diabla' and is demanding to see you _away_ from the hospital environment." He pauses in the doorway and calls back, "Bye, Cas! Later, Dean."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Congratulations, Mr. Winchester, you passed." ." Dean fought hard to keep the smile off his face when the instructor held out his hand, "It's been a while since anyone's gotten a perfect score on the exam. Get with Tessa before you leave to schedule your physical next Wednesday. Pass that, or they won't let you into firearms quals on Friday. After that, you'll have one week to complete your psych eval."

Dean shook the man's hand and ducked his head to hide his smile, "Yes, Sir. I didn't work this hard to fail."

"Glad to hear it. Send in the next person when you leave."

"Thank you, Sir." Dean nodded and headed out. He'd been pretty sure he was going to pass; the perfect score was a nice surprise, though. The smile on his face hadn't faded when he emerged into the hallway, "You're up, Davis."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

_"I can't believe they let him in."_ Dean froze at the sound of the man's voice. Leaning back, he shut his eyes as the water rinsed the shampoo from his hair. He recognized the voice; it belonged to one of the officers who'd failed the written test.

_"Davis, shut up. You're just pissed he made it this far and you didn't. I heard he got a perfect score on the written test and Jo said he passed the physical with flying colors."_

_"'And Jo said'"_ Davis mocks in a high pitched voice before continuing in his normal voice, _"What are you, his fucking cheerleader?"_ A locker door slams shut and Davis is speaking again, _"A goddamn fairy on the SWAT team…what's next?"_

_"You're an asshole, Davis, you know that? Even if you had passed the written, you'd never have passed the psych eval. The SWAT team's better off with a 'fairy' instead of a bigot like you."_

Both voices fade as they leave the locker room and Dean shuts the water off, reaching for the towel hanging nearby. He dries his face dry with angry swipes then wraps it around his waist. He's known Davis for four years, ever since they graduated from the academy together and the other cop has _always_ hated him. Dean gets dressed and is in the process of tying his boots when his cell phone rings. He answers it with a curt, "Winchester."

"_Officer Winchester? Is this a bad time?"_

"That depends," he snarks, "who is this?"

"_This is Dr. Trick. I'm calling to remind you that the deadline for pysch evals is tomorrow. Lieutenant Harvelle assured me you've passed all other portions of the screening process."_

He sighs quietly and rubs at his face, "Yea, I know. I just…"

"_Look, if you've changed your mind about the team, that's fine. Just make sure it's your choice, Mr. Winchester."_

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

"_It means, I hear the rumors, too." _Dean shuts his eyes and feels his jaw clench. He'd known it was only a matter of time before his secret wasn't so secret anymore. The fact that the department psychologist had heard the rumors meant it had spread a lot further than he'd anticipated. _"Don't let the chauvinists win, Dean. Come to my office anytime tomorrow before noon and we'll get this eval over and done with."_

Dean lets out the breath he'd been holding and nods, perfectly aware that Dr. Trick can't see him, "Yea…all right. I'll be there at nine, if that's okay."

"_Perfect. I'll see you then, Dean."_

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Hey, Sammy," Dean is pacing in Castiel's hospital room when his brother calls to invite him over for wings and beer. "Nah, I'm fine. I ate in the cafeteria downstairs. Yea, I'm at the hospital. Where else would I be?"

"_Just thought maybe you'd need a break from bedside duty. Jess wanted to congratulate you on getting into SWAT. She says she hasn't seen you in so long she's beginning to think you're avoiding her."_

"Tell Jess thanks and that no, I'm not avoiding her. Tell her I'm avoiding you," Dean pauses at his brother's laughter, "I haven't gotten on the team yet, Sammy. I still need to get the 'blessing' of the department shrink and before you ask…yes, I already scheduled the appointment, so no need to nag me. Tell her I'll be over for dinner tomorrow night, pass or fail. Either way I'm gonna need to let off some steam."

"Congratulations," says a hoarse voice from the bed.

Dean turns instantly and quickly hangs up with his brother after a quick, "Gotta go, Sammy." He rushes to the bedside and sure enough, Castiel's eyes are open, "Cas?"

Castiel smiles at him and nods weakly, "Last I checked, yea."

A strangled laugh escapes him and he feels tears well up in his eyes, "Oh God, Cas…it's so good to see you awake." Dean takes Castiel's hand and presses it to the side of his face. Cas drags his thumb against Dean's cheek and smiles.

"How long," Cas clears his throat and continues, "How long have I been asleep?"

"Six weeks. It's been six weeks since-"

"Did you kill him?" Dean blinks and opens his mouth to answer, but nothing emerges. Castiel turns to look at him and asks again, "Did you kill Alastair?"

"I…Cas, I-"

"Just answer the question, Dean." Cas is staring at him, sapphire eyes daring him to lie. When he doesn't get an answer, he guesses, "I'll take that as a 'yes.'" Dean isn't sure, but it's almost as if Castiel is angry with him. He's about to apologize for something he doesn't regret when he hears, "Thank you."

"What?"

"I said, 'thank you'…for saving my life. If you hadn't shown up…"

"But I did, Cas. I'm just sorry I couldn't be there sooner." Dean is leaning forward in his chair, face pressed to the other man's side, hot tears streaming down his face. Silent tears Dean can't stop, even if he'd wanted to. Castiel's hand is carding through his short hair when the brunette nurse, Meg, walks in. And just like that, there's a flurry of activity as several doctors and specialists come in to assess the formerly comatose patient.


	6. Dear, Mr Winchester

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse

* * *

**Chapter 6 - Dear, Mr. Winchester**

In the short time that Dean's been on this rather comfortable couch, he's realized that Dr. 'Call Me Gabriel' Trick is a rather observant little prick. They've gone through most of the hour talking about seemingly random shit, but Dean's pretty sure none of it's been random…at all. He doesn't know why, but it's uncharacteristically easy to open up to the sarcastic little bastard.

"So tell me, Officer Winchester, why did you wait so long to get your psych eval?" The look Gabriel levels on him is curious, but wary. It's as if he knows that, by asking the question, Dean's going to flip his shit. In a BIG way.

Dean returns his look with one of his own, "You know why."

The annoying little jerk simply nods, making brief notations in the brown, leather portfolio on his lap, confirming Dean's suspicions, "I know why…and you know why, but I want you to say it out loud. Trust me, it will be very therapeutic. Now…why did you wait so long to get your psych eval?"

Dean takes a deep breath and exhales noisily. He leans back; legs sprawled wide on either side of the monstrous ottoman in front of him. "I've been on the force for four years and I've wanted to be SWAT since before the academy. I know how much of a 'boys' club' it is…and…"

He takes another breath, his stomach churning, and promises himself that he's not going to vomit. Dean might puke when he gets home. Hell, at this rate, he might have to make a pit stop in the waiting room's bathroom, because it would suck if he had to pull over at the side of the road to heave his cookies like a pussy. Dr. Trick smirks and presses, "Go on…"

"I was afraid that being gay would prevent me from getting on the team, okay?!" Dean's answer is inordinately bitchy, but he finds that he doesn't care. The psychologist is a smirky little asshole that deserves a helping of Bitchy Dean, if only on principle alone.

"And when you passed all your pre-quals without incident you decide to sabotage yourself? Why?" The question is gentle and not at all know-it-all-ish. It's almost as if Gabriel senses just how close Dean is to snapping. He is a psychologist, after all. His pen is hovering over the paper as he watches him, waiting for his patient to answer.

"Because I don't want to find out that I only made the team because of some affirmative action bullshit. You know, as well as I do, that everyone's thinking it. Let 'Winchester the Fudge Packer' onto the SWAT team or his brother, the lawyer, will sue the department and possibly the city. It's bullshit…and I didn't want to get tangled up in it." Dean's answer is rushed, the words tumbling out in what can only described as verbal diarrhea. His admission leaves him breathless and raw.

"Very good, Dean. Finally. Perfect timing, I might add. Your hour's up." Dr. Trick carefully caps his pen and then flips the portfolio shut.

Just like that, the torture is done. Dean mutters acidly, "You're a dick, you know that? You push and push and push, get me to admit my biggest fear and then, just like that, my time's up." He blows out a frustrated breath, surprisingly relaxed and calm.

Gabriel simply nods. "I'd like to see you again next week, if that's all right with you. There are a lot of issues you need to work through, but I don't see how they'd keep you from performing your duties as a SWAT officer." The other man smirks at Dean and uncrosses his legs. Sitting forward, he tucks the leather-bound portfolio between the chair and his thigh. He drapes his forearms over his knees and clasps his hands together then proceeds to just stare at him.

Dean smiles and shakes his head, "I dunno, doc…I'm not good at this whole touchy-feely bull-crap." With a shrug and a smirk of his own, he jokes, "Besides, you're not my type."

The psychologist laughs and stands up, extending his right hand towards him, "Oh, Mr. Winchester, are in no way prepared for the amusement park that is me. Trust me, cowboy."

Dean stands, laughter dancing in his eyes and shakes the man's hand. He stretches both arms up over his head with a groan and gently rolls his shoulders. "Cowboy? Seriously, doc, that's the best you could do?" Tugging his shirt over his service weapon, Dean makes his way around the ottoman. At the exit, he turns to catch Gabriel eyeing him curiously. If he didn't know better, he'd say the man was checking out his ass.

"Yes, well. I try and keep things professional." Dr. Trick shrugs noncommittally and crosses to the doorway, "My patients don't usually like it when I call them names. See you next week, Dean. Just make an appointment with Ruby on your way out." And just like that Dean is dismissed.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"The suspense is killing me, Sammy! It's been a week and nothing!" Dean's stretched out on his brother's couch, bare feet slung over the arm as he speaks. "I'm sure I passed the quals, but I still have to wait. Fifteen of us applied and there's only two spots. It's agonizing, the whole 'not knowing' thing! I swear they do it on purpose."

His brother laughs and holds out a plate, "Here have a cookie, you big baby. Jess made them. They're oatmeal chocolate chip peanut butter. Trust me, it'll make you feel better."

Dean lifts his arms off his face and sits up slightly, taking one of the cookies, "You know, she's gonna make you fat." Under his breath he mutters, "Serves you right, you abnormally cut freak."

Sam snorts and slaps at his feet, sitting down when Dean moves them aside, "You're just jealous of you don't have my hot body. That's okay. It's perfectly normal to be envious of your sibling." He grins at Dean's happy, cookie-goodness-moan and gently prods, "So, you go to see Cas today?"

Dean shakes his head and swallows, popping another piece of cookie into his mouth. "I'm not sure he wants to see me, ya know? He was in physical therapy when I stopped by after my appointment with Dr. Trick and later," the elder Winchester shrugs, "his nurse said he was sleeping when I called, so I just came here."

"Of course he wants to see you, Dean. Don't be an idiot. Go see him. I know you want to. It's obvious you're in love. You're just too stubborn to admit it." Dean turns to find his brother watching him with a snooty expression. "Go…see…him," with each word, Sam is poking a finger into his shoulder.

"Okay, okay!" Dean pulls away with a grin, "I'm going, geez!" He sits up and grabs his socks and boots, chuckling as he pulls them on. His brother stands up and heads to the kitchen, while Dean gets up and retrieves his jacket. He snickers when Sam returns, holding a plastic bag of cookies out for him to take. A smile curls his lips as he takes the bag, "She's too good for you, Sammy. Be sure she knows how much she's loved."

With that, Dean is up and heading for the door. Pausing only to wave when his brother calls out goodbye.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"You're doing well, Castiel. I'm pleased with your progress. At this rate, you'll be home in no time." Balthazar pauses and lays a hand on his friend's shoulder, "Do you have someone who can stay with? Perhaps that cute police officer that rescued you?"

Castiel glares at Balthazar and shakes his head, "Anna has offered to let me stay with her. It will be…easier. Dean has better things to do with his time than babysit an emotionally shattered doctor while he recuperates."

The other doctor rolls his eyes in exasperation, "Whatever, Castiel. You've always been a stubborn git. It's a good thing I love you, you know?"

"I love you too, Balthazar."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Dean pauses with his hand on the door, catching the British man's declaration of love. He's surprised when Castiel answers with one of his own. His heart squeezes in his chest and when the British doctor's voice gets closer, Dean flees down the hall, ducking into the waiting room. His chest is heaving with quick breaths and he's light-headed. It's been a week since Cas woke up and he's been to see him maybe four times. He hadn't wanted to crowd the man by visiting him everyday.

With a broken sigh, he drops down into a chair and leans his head back, closing his eyes to keep his tears at bay. "Is your mommy sick too, Mister?" Dean opens his tearful eyes to see a small pigtailed little girl watching him expectantly. She's maybe five years old, with huge blue eyes and a little Cupid's bow mouth. "My mommy's sick and it makes me sad too. Daddy says it's okay to cry."

Her face is innocent and Dean's surprised by just how much her eye-color matches Castiel's. It seems even in the waiting room, the policeman can't avoid him. "No, my mommy's not sick, but a friend of mine is. He's..."

The little girl climbs up into the chair next to him and calmly tells him, "Make sure you tell your friend how much you love him. Daddy says that even though mommy can't answer, she can still hear me and that she needs to hear me tell her I love her. So I do. I tell her every time I go in." Dean lets out a surprised chuckle at the purity of her explanation. The little girl lays a hand on his arm and leans to rest her head on his shoulder. Dean shuts his eyes and takes solace in her company, tears streaming down his face.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Hey, Freckles. This is for you." Jo waves a white envelope in front of Dean's face. He's in the department gym, doing a set of pull-ups when his friend finds him. The second Dean sees the Police Department logo emblazoned on the front of the envelope, he lowers himself to the ground and snatches it eagerly. The second the envelope is torn from her hands, Jo quirks a brow, "What is it?"

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit," Dean's mumbling under his breath, fanning himself with the envelope and pacing nervously. "Oh God," he takes a breath and turns to stare at Jo. "It's my letter. Shit, I can't open it." With a shake of his head, Dean tosses it onto a nearby weight bench. He's pacing faster, arms up around his head and garnering more than a few curious stares from the other officers in the gym.

"OHHHHH! I'll open it!" Jo darts forward to grab the letter, a huge grin on her face.

"NO!" Dean rushes to pick up the letter and presses a fist to his forehead. With a harsh exhale of breath, he rips the envelope open and pulls the notification out. His eyes scan the letter, reading under his breath, "Dear Mr. Winchester…after careful consideration, blah blah blah…your application to the Special Weapons and Tactics team..." His voice trails off and he lowers the sheet of paper. Jo sighs sympathetically and makes a move to hug him when Dean whispers, a huge smile splitting his face, "I made it!" His voice is stunned when he repeats, "I'm in, Jo! I made it, I'm SWAT!"

Her screech is ear splitting and barely enough warning for the huge hug she gives him. Dean lifts her up in a bear hug, laughing as she peppers his face with happy kisses, "I knew it! I just knew you'd make it! Oh my God, Dean-o, congrats! We need to celebrate! Crossroads. Tonight. My treat!"

Dean sets her down, carefully folding the letter back up before slipping it into the envelope once more. "Your treat? Like I'd say no? I'm there, baby!"

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"To Dean! Congratulations on getting into SWAT!"

Sammy's toast is answered with a round of cheers from the table. His brother is sitting next to Jess and a pretty brunette (Dean thinks her name is Eve) from his office. Ash is sitting between Pamela and Jo with a huge grin on his face. Andrea's sandwiched against his side and leaning slightly into him, lifting up slightly to press a congratulatory kiss on his cheek.

When Dean sees Jo's face light up, turns towards the door and swallows hard. Anna is making her way through the crowd towards the large booth, pushing a nervous-looking Castiel in a wheelchair. "Hey guys, room for two more?" The redhead's smile widens when Jo rushes up and kisses her.

"Hello, Dean. I hope I'm not intruding."

Dean smiles, because God it's good to hear that voice, "Not a chance, Cas. It's great to see you out of the hospital. I've been meaning to come by…"

Cas returns his smile and ducks his head briefly, "It's okay. I understand. You've been busy. I hear congratulations are definitely in order now." He lifts his gaze and Dean feels his heart speed up. Those eyes haven't changed at all. Sure, there are dark circles under his eyes and he looks exhausted, but Cas is still gorgeous.

"Nah, man. I didn't want to crowd you. If it was up to-"

"I don't mind if you crowd me, Dean. I'd rather like it if you'd come over." The words are spoken quickly, almost as if the other man is afraid he'll change his mind before he can get them all out. Castiel ducks his head while he speaks, hands rubbing at the leg of his jeans anxiously.

Dean reaches out and places one hand over both of Castiel's and lifts his chin with the other, leaning into his personal space. Completely oblivious to the silence that has descended at the table, he whispers, "How's this?" He doesn't give the man a chance to answer before he's kissing him. Dean laughs into the other man's mouth when he hears his friends whistle and applaud.


	7. Tequila Makes My Clothes Fall Off

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse

* * *

**Chapter 7 - Tequila Makes My Clothes Fall Off**

Dean snaps awake, groaning at the throbbing in his temples. He rolls onto his stomach and pulls the covers up over his head. The sound of a dump truck backing up makes him push up onto his forearms. It's not trash day…_where the f-_?

"Good morning, Dean." He instantly turns towards the other man's voice. Castiel is lying on his side, shirtless, watching him. "Sleep well?"

A quick survey brings the realization that he's clad only in his underwear. Dean burrows under the blanket and flops onto his back. He lifts his arms up over his head and grumbles pathetically, because he doesn't remember much after the triple round of tequila shooters last night. It's a full minute before he can muster the courage to ask, "Did we…"

"Have intercourse?" At Dean's hesitant little nod, Castiel shakes his head, "No, we did not. Not for lack of trying, on your part. You're quite…amorous whilst intoxicated." The other man clears his throat and Dean lowers his arms, head turning slightly to meet his gaze.

"Oh, God…what did I-?

"Don't worry, Dean. I rather enjoyed everything you did. It wasn't until you started stripping off your clothes that," Castiel blushes and bites his bottom lip. He looks up while Dean moves closer, hand coming up to cup the policeman's cheek before whispering, "I stopped you."

Dean leans into the hand on his face and briefly shuts his eyes at the feeling that curls in his chest. His question is hushed and almost timid, "That bad?" Almost as if in apology, he turns his head to press a tentative kiss to the center of Cas' palm.

At the soft little gasp, Dean opens his eyes. His companion is staring at him with a look of wonderment, mouth partially open. It's a bit of a surprise when Cas licks his lips and smirks before answering, "No, not bad, Dean. Just…surprising."

The tiny smirk isn't an expression Dean is expecting and it makes him pause before seeking clarification. He knows that pressing Castiel for sex this soon is unspeakably cruel. Even drunk, Dean should have remembered that. The other man's been the victim in an abusive relationship for countless many years. Dean's seen the scars on his back but even now the extent of Cas' abuse is a mystery to him. It makes what he says even more awkward, "Cas…I'm sorry about last night. I had no right to-"

"Dean," at the sound of his name, he stops and is startled by the press of lips against his. The kiss is cautious and desperate at the same time. Dean's about to pull back, then Cas licks at the seam of his lips. A groan lodges in the base of his throat and before he knows it, he's on his back with both arms wrapped around Castiel's neck. It's been a long time since Dean's been on the receiving end of such enthusiasm and he's breathless once Cas pulls away.

"Damn, doc…that was…"

"Quite enjoyable, I agree." Cas' eyes are hooded, lips kiss swollen and Dean's pretty sure he can feel the press of an erection against his hip, but he's hesitant to go further. Castiel must sense his indecision, because he starts pressing open-mouthed kisses along his jawline. The barest edge of teeth cause Dean's hips to buck upward and he moans when the other man whispers, "my policeman likes getting bitten? Good to know."

"I'm yours?" The question is meant to be teasing, but it comes out hopeful. Dean leans in towards Cas, breath hitching at the feel of teeth worrying the base of his throat. He's embarrassed at the neediness in his voice, "Cas…"

"Shhh…just enjoy it." Fingers are ghosting down Dean's chest and lower. His hips are writhing on the bed of their own volition and Castiel's fingers spread on the muscles of his lower belly, causing Dean to whimper. Fingernails tease at the waistband of his boxer briefs and his abs flex almost painfully. He can feel the other man's lips curve into a smile against his neck and he arches up at Castiel's tongue swirling in his ear.

"Fuck, Cas…we don't…"

The rest of whatever Dean was going to say dies in his throat; Castiel bites on his earlobe, sucking it into the heat of his mouth. It's been years since Dean hasn't been the aggressor in bed and he's relishing the feel of the other man's ministrations. His head is tossed back, mouth open and panting. Dean knows he's bound to have a multitude of lovebites on his neck if Castiel continues, but he doesn't care. It feels so damn good to have that beautiful mouth licking and sucking down his chest.

Teeth and lips move between each nipple, leaving pink marks along the tanned flesh. Each tiny bite is rewarded with a quick flick of tongue, Dean licking his own lips in response. Hissing at a more forceful bite on his lower chest, he fists both hands in the covers. Castiel's gaze flicks upwards briefly before his head dips down again. He's sucking a bruise to his lower abdomen and Dean's surprised at how much he likes it, the feeling of being marked as Castiel's. "I never would have guessed you enjoyed biting so much, Dean. What else do you like? Tell me and I'll give it to you. Just tell me what I need to do to make you happy."

The timbre of Cas' voice gives Dean pause and he lifts his head heavily. There's something about how Castiel is watching him that makes Dean sit up quickly. The other man flinches slightly, a tiny reaction, but Dean sees it. He lifts a hand and Cas' eyes widen briefly before he looks away, lips pressing together, almost as if bracing for a blow. Dean swears mentally and cautiously presses, "Hey, it's okay. I'm not gonna hurt you, Cas. We don't have to do anything you don't want to. I'm perfectly fine just lying here with you, okay?"

Castiel's look is doubtful; he licks his lips and calmly informs him, "Last night…you said you'd been waiting months to find out just how soft my mouth was. That ever since you'd seen me 'blowing Alastair' at Anna's party, you'd wondered what it would feel like to have me 'gagging' on you as you 'skull-fucked the shit' out of me.

"God, Cas," Dean's voice interrupts, horrified, "I'm so fucking sorry. I…I had way too much to drink last night. It doesn't excuse it, but I never would've said any of that to you if I were sober. You've been through a lot and I know better." He hides his face in his hands, elbows balanced on both knees, horrified by how crude his drunken self had been. Granted, everything he'd said to Cas was true, but that didn't make him feel any less guilty.

The warmth of Castiel's body presses up against the left side of his body and reluctantly Dean shifts to rest his cheek on his own arm. He can't bring himself to face Cas and is appalled to feel fingers lightly combing the short hair at the base of his skull. For the _victim_ of such abuse to be the one comforting _him_ is too much. Dean pulls away to swing his legs over the side of the bed, leaning forward to rub at his eyes with angry fingers.

Dean isn't prepared to have Castiel press a kiss between his shoulder blades, "If it makes you feel any better…it was your dick I was picturing on those stairs." He half-turns to stare at Cas, trying to ascertain if he's lying, but the other man isn't finished, "every time he forced me to perform oral sex on him, I envisioned it was your penis I was lavishing attention on."

"Cas, don't…"

"Shhhh…let me finish, Dean. I pictured those hoarse moans and grunts were yours. I received praise for being so enthusiastic and it was because I was picturing you. You helped me without realizing it. If I hadn't done as he asked, I would have suffered at his hands and-"

"Enough!" Cas is instantly silent and Dean stands up, pulling his jeans on, turning to face him only after his jeans are fastened. "I don't need to hear this, Cas. It's…sick." Castiel swallows audibly, tears filling his oh-so-blue eyes, "What _he did_ is sick. It's awful and I wish I could take that pain away from you." Dean steps forward to brush his hand over Cas' forehead, leaning to press a kiss on his tear-stained cheek before asking softly, "He's the one that assaulted you, isn't he?" He squeezes his eyes shut at the quiet 'yes' and leans his head back, both hands resting on Cas' shoulders. "That's why you refused the rape kit?"

"Yes." Castiel wraps both arms around Dean's waist and presses his cheek against his bare stomach, holding him in a near-painful hug. "When you came in and found me…it's a part of my life that I've kept hidden for so long." Cas is speaking into the skin of his belly, breath hot, "To have you see me like that…and you were so patient with me. Holding me even while I scratched and clawed at you. I never thanked you."

Dean gently shushes him, "Hey…look at me." Castiel lifts his face, bottom lip caught between his teeth and Dean's struck by how beautiful the other man is, even like this. "There's no need to thank me…no need for you to feel that you have to repay me. When we have sex, _if_ we have sex, it will be because _you_ want to. Not because you feel like you owe it to me, okay?"

Castiel nods, hesitantly smiling at him, "I'd really like to kiss you again. If that's okay?" The smile widens at Dean's nod and eager lips meet his in a soulful kiss.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"You responded to the domestic disturbance call?" Dean nods at Dr. Trick's question. "What was the first thing that came to mind when you heard the address?"

"How I was going to make the bastard pay."

"What if you'd gotten there and Castiel wasn't the victim?"

Dean looks up at the psychologist, astonished by the question, "I knew he wasn't the perpetrator."

Dr. Trick makes a notation in his portfolio and pushes, "but what if you'd been wrong? You had no way of knowing he was the victim…did you?" The fancy silver pen is spinning slowing between his long fingers and Dean is captivated by it. Dr. Trick notices his fascination and the pen instantly stills.

Dean shrugs and answers, "I saw the scars on his back…I was there the morning after the assault. He was so broken and afraid. My cop intuition isn't _that_ bad…I knew Alastair was bad news the first time I saw him."

"And that's the issue isn't it?" At Dean's quizzical expression, he explains, "You blame yourself for not doing anything sooner."

"What was I supposed to do? Cas wouldn't return my calls and every time I saw him, he was with that…that _bastard_." His jaw clenches painfully and he looks at the clock on the wall, willing it to move faster. Five minutes to go.

"There wasn't anything you _could_ do, Dean. Victims of domestic abuse often deny what's happening to them until it's too late. You did what you could."

Dr. Trick frowns at him when he scoffs, "I let him push me away, doc. I pretended what I was feeling was jealousy and ignored all the warning bells in my head. After Pam and I bust into that apartment and I saw," Dean's voice cracks and he has to stop, "Seeing him like that? So scared and helpless," he takes a breath and holds it, shutting his eyes against the tears. "I shot him and when I realized he was dead, I-" the sound of the other man's watch beeping startles a laugh out of Dean, "sorry doc, times up."

The beeping stops and he lifts his head when Gabriel's hand squeezes his knee, "finish what you were going to say, Dean."

He feels a single tear slip down his cheek and hisses angrily, "I was so fucking pissed off at Pam. She shouldn't have shot him in the head! Death was…"

"Too easy. You wanted to make him hurt as much as he'd hurt your Castiel."

"Yes, goddamn it!" Dean is panting, face flushed in anger, hands clenched into fists on the arms of the chair. "He deserved to suffer, to bleed, to know what it was like to be made the victim," he pauses to suck in a breath and whispers, "and that scares me. I've never felt such…rage before."

Gabriel nods and pats his knee, "That rage is normal, Dean. Someone you care about was brutalized and you have no way of getting justice. All you can do is show Castiel how much you love him and hope it helps him heal."

"Dr. Trick, sorry to disturb you, but your four o'clock is here." The sound of Ruby's voice from the intercom is apologetic and Dean is grateful for the interruption.

"Thank you, Ruby. I'll be right out." The psychologist turns back to Dean and smiles, "If you'd like to continue…I can reschedule my four o'clock."

"Nah, its fine, doc. I need a beer, but more than anything…I need to see Cas' face." He stands up and straightens his uniform, "I haven't seen since he's been back to work. Being up at 3am for SWAT training is cutting into our make out time."

The psychologist smiles, walking him to the door, "Go spend some time with your doctor and I'll see you next week, Dean."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Balthazar, would you please stop stealing my french fries?" Dean hears Castiel's voice before he sees him. Not two seconds later, he comes around the corner, looking over his shoulder at the other doctor as he speaks, "You are such a child. If you wanted fries you should have just gotten your own."

The other doctor smirks when he sees Dean at the nurse's station and pouts, "Aw, Cassie…they taste so much better off _your_ plate."

Castiel snorts indelicately and mutters, "Yea right. You mean because I'm the one paying for them. I swear if-" Cas' eyes widen when he turns to see Dean leaning on the counter, watching the interaction with interest. "Dean," his face tightens in embarrassment and asks, "What are you doing here?"

Dean shrugs, hooking both thumbs on his Sam Browne belt and smiles. He's more than a little stunned to hear Balthazar mumble, "Novak, if you don't want him…I'll gladly take him off your hands."

That earns the British doctor a glare and an annoyed, "Balthazar!"

"What?! I'm not the one playing hard to get, Cassie. If it was me, I'd be dragging him to back to my call room so he could bend me ov-"

"Take the goddamn fries, Balthazar!" Castiel shoves the plate at his friend and reaches out to wrap his hand around Dean's tie, tugging him forward. Dean stumbles into the smaller man with a startled gasp and his eyes flutter shut at the feel of Cas' tongue slipping into his mouth. Dean loses track of time and it's the sound of feminine giggles that makes them break apart. There are now two nurses at the station eyeing the two men with interest.

Balthazar pauses, a fry halfway to his mouth, and points down the hall, "Call rooms are that way, Officer Winchester."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"I can't believe we're doing this!" Dean's shoved against the door of Castiel's call room, shocked at the urgency in the other man's kisses.

"Dean, shut up and help me with this thing will you?" The question is frustrated and Dean bites back a chuckle, reaching to undo the thick police belt, setting it on the floor with a soft thud. "Finally!" Castiel's fingers make quick work of the uniform slacks' zipper and before Dean knows it, they're pooled around his ankles.

"Cas, you don't need to do this. I can wait. It's fine…we can…oh _shit_!" Dean braces both hands on the wall behind him, brows hitching at the feel of Castiel's lips mouthing the cotton of his underwear. The feel of strong fingers tugging down the elastic waistband gives him a split second warning and then there's a tongue licking a stripe up the underside of his shaft.

"I know I don't _need_ to, Dean…Trust me, I _want_ to. Now kindly shut up and enjoy it." Castiel's voice is lust-thick, needy and oh so delicious. Dean shuts his eyes and obeys, mouth falling open while a very talented tongue licks around his swollen cockhead. It's enough to make him moan quietly. Cas' voice is muffled against his throbbing flesh, "You taste so good…waited so long to…"

"Cas, shhh…someone'll hear!" Dean pleads urgently, looking down. He stops, eyes widening. Castiel is watching him as his lips ease over Dean's cock, cheeks hollowing out while he sucks. "Oh _fuck_!" That's the last coherent thing he can manage, because his brain _fries_. There's no way he can think while Cas' mouth works him, licking and sucking. His hips are thrusting erratically and he lifts one hand up to cover his mouth, hoping to muffle the sounds pouring out.

Castiel eases his lips upwards, wrapping them tightly around the engorged tip, hand stroking. Dean whimpers behind his palm, because he's slowly unraveling. He's fascinated by the soft sounds of Castiel's slurping and moans as that all-to-familiar warmth spreads throughout his body. "Cas…I'm…gonna…"

Cas whispers hoarsely, "I know. I can feel how hard you are, Dean." Warmth cradles the weight of his balls, squeezing and tugging gently. Castiel's hand is stroking the entire length of him and Dean's so far gone he couldn't have stopped if he tried. At the filthy plea of, "do it, cum in my mouth," the orgasm slams into him. His vision burns white and he groans past tightly clenched teeth, no longer caring if anyone hears. Castiel is swallowing around him; milking him dry and not letting a single drop go to waste.

A lazy smile curls his lip and Dean carefully slides down onto the floor, legs splayed open obscenely. Cas is smiling back at him, tongue laving over his lips. "So tell me, Officer Winchester…am I a good little cocksucker?" The twitch of his lips tells Dean that Castiel _knows_ just how good he is. The doctor leans forward, timidly kissing the corner of his lips before admitting, "I really want to kiss you right now."

Dean cocks his head to the side and probes, "So, why don't you?" His thumb is lightly tracing over Castiel's bottom lip, the rest of his hand curled around the curve of his jawline, fingers rubbing soothing circles on the back of his neck.

"Because I just," he points at his mouth and then down towards Dean's lap.

The explanation makes Dean frown and with an irritated huff, he realizes that Cas has probably never been allowed post-oral kisses. There's only one thing he can do about that. He tugs the man forward and crushes his lips in a greedy kiss, tongue twirling into his mouth, licking out the faint traces of himself. The sound of Castiel's cell phone ringing is the only reason Dean pulls back.

"Emergency, this is Dr. Novak." A tiny, embarrassed smile is plastered on his face while he listens to the person on the other end of the line. Dean lifts his hips to pull his underwear up and has to smother a laugh at the sight of Cas playfully biting the air near his now flaccid dick. He stands up slowly and bends to pull up his pants. "Give him two of morphine and call Ortho." A frown mars Castiel's face and he pushes the hem of the uniform shirt up to trace his index finger on the puckered scar on the outside of Dean's right thigh. He mouths 'gunshot?' at the exact moment Dean nods, using thumb and forefinger to make a shooting hand motion. "Okay, I'll be right there."

Castiel hangs up and tucks the cell phone back into his pocket. Dean offers him a hand up and reluctantly asks, "Back to work, huh?" Cas nods, silently straightening Dean's uniform with careful fingers once he's upright again. Dean secures the Sam Browne around his waist and lightly kisses the doctor again, assuring him, "You can always kiss me, baby…no matter what. Don't forget that okay?"

A shy smile is his reward. "I'm going to hold you to that…" Dean smiles back, because that's perfectly okay with him.


	8. No One Ever Said Love Was Easy

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse

* * *

**Chapter 8 - No One Ever Said Love Was Easy**

Dean knew the instant Castiel was awake; the easy breaths against his naked chest changed their cadence. His fingers pause the trace of idle patterns along the naked skin of the other man's back. Splaying the whole of his hand between Cas' shoulder blades, Dean nuzzles into sleep-mussed hair, "I know you're awake." He fights a smile at the drowsy snuffle against his skin. The barest of butterfly kisses on his left pectoral and he's pulling away with a laugh. "Quit! You know I'm ticklish!"

Castiel's sleepy chuckle is enough to make Dean's dick stand up and take notice. "I wasn't aware my big, bad policeman was ticklish…that's a revelation I shall take great pleasure in exploiting."

"Oh…I'm _your_ policeman, now? I see how it is. Last night you were all about spending time with _Samantha_ and _now_ I'm yours? Hmmph!" Dean rolls over in mock anger, burrowing his face in the pillow to hide his grin.

"Dean….De-e-ean…_Dean_." Castiel is pressing a series of light kisses down the dip of his spine and it takes all of Dean's willpower to keep from making a sound. It's not until he feels the rapid flick of tongue at the small of his back that he gasps softly, the pillow swallowing the majority of it. "You know I adore you, Dean…I thought you _wanted_ Sam and I to get to know each other…he's a brilliant young man and I enjoyed our conversation last night. I'm sorry you felt neglected, _Officer_."

Almost a full month since they'd started 'officially' dating Sam had invited them _both_ over for dinner. Granted, his brother had been dropping hints since weeks earlier and when they'd made it 'official' it was hard to say no. So, at Castiel's insistence, Dean had finally acquiesced. Between both their busy schedules, the two men had only been able to enjoy stolen moments here and there, but with Dean's SWAT training now complete, there'd been no legitimate reason to blow Sam off any longer.

So, after a grueling thirteen-hour shift, Dean had begrudgingly allowed Castiel to drag him to Sam's apartment for dinner, only to be ignored while they argued over philosophy. At first it had been a welcome distraction listening to them discuss Nietzsche and Sartre over dinner, but Dean had assumed that once dinner was over, he and Cas would head back to his apartment to fool around. No such luck. It had quickly become apparent that neither man was in a hurry to finish the conversation. Dean had fallen asleep curled against one end of the couch while both men talked late into the night. It had been almost two in the morning by the time Castiel had woken him up to head home. Once there, Dean had been too tired to do more than curl up under the blankets and immediately fall asleep.

"Are you angry at me, Dean?" Castiel's question is cautious, his lips brushing over the swell of his behind. Before Dean can answer, his underwear is being eased off his hips and down his legs. The playful little nip on the swell of muscle startles him out of his thoughts and then there's the feel of Cas' hands tentatively spreading his ass cheeks. It's what makes him roll over and reach to pull Castiel in.

Dean's noticed that whenever the other man is worried he's upset him, he shifts into sex mode, automatically trying to 'buy' forgiveness with sexual favors. At first Dean had been too stupid to notice but when he'd mentioned it in passing to Dr. Trick, the psychologist had enlightened him. Since then, he's been more cognizant of the shift in Castiel's moods and has made an effort to assure the doctor that he needn't give more of himself than he was ready to.

"I'm not upset, baby." Dean wraps his arm around Castiel and holds him against his side, hand reaching up to card through his dark hair. He presses a light kiss to the crown of his head and repeats, "I'm not upset." Castiel burrows his head against Dean's chest with a sigh and rewards the policeman with a soft brush of lips to his skin. "I'm glad you and Sam had a good time."

"But you didn't." Castiel's voice is flat, devoid of any inflection, "I shouldn't have ignored you like I did and I apologize." Blue eyes are suddenly looking up at him from beneath dark lashes. A hopeful expression fills their depths, "I can make it up to you…if you'd let me." Dean feels Castiel's hand encircling his semi-erect penis and sucks in a breath at the swipe of Cas' thumb over the head.

"Cas, stop…y-"

"You don't want me to stop, Dean. I can feel you getting harder," Castiel licks at Dean's nipple and practically purrs, "Let me make you feel good." Dean arches up, briefly enjoying the warmth of Cas' hand. It's been difficult for him to _not_ take advantage of Cas' eagerness and as the days pass, Dean's resolve has begun to waver. "I'll make it so good for you, baby, I promise."

It takes all of Dean's self-control to sit up and move away from Castiel with a rough, "Damn it, Castiel!" He stands and crosses the room to the dresser, "I'm not him! You don't need to buy my affections with sex!" Dean pulls on a pair of sweatpants and turns, not at all surprised to see tears in Castiel's eyes. He instantly regrets his outburst and returns to the bed, wincing when Cas cowers against the headboard, blanket held against his naked chest, "Oh, baby, I'm sorry."

"I never said you were him. I have _never_ likened you to that monster!" Cas isn't yelling; his voice is a quiet hiss of sound, "it's _YOU_ who keeps comparing yourself to him. Competing with a dead man…and here I thought _I_ was the sick one!"

And there it is, the reaction Dean _always_ gets, that barely controlled viciousness underneath the docile exterior. He can't imagine Cas' life was easy under Alastair's brutality, but it still hurts to be on the brunt end of such retaliation. Dean eases first one knee, then the other, onto the mattress and slowly crawls towards where Castiel is huddled. "Babe…I'm sorry."

He reaches out a hand towards his beautiful man and flinches when Cas snarls, "Don't touch me." Dean lets his hand drop into his lap and sighs, knowing that the rest of his day off will be spent trying to gain Castiel's trust once more. Their time together has been a series of make-out sessions, almost-sex interludes, painful misunderstandings and tear-stricken apologies. "You don't _deserve_ to touch me!"

"Fine, Cas, I'll leave you alone." Dean moves off the bed and towards the closet, retrieving his track shoes and a hoodie, "I'm going for a run. After that-"

"I don't care _where_ you go, Dean, as long as I don't have to look at your face."

Dean hangs his head down, face twisting in pain, willing himself not to react to the hurtful words. He knows Cas doesn't mean it, but it still stings. With one final glance over his shoulder, Dean heads out of the bedroom and into the hallway, shutting the door after him. It takes an amazing amount of restraint to not immediately rush back in at the sound of Castiel's sobs from behind the wooden door.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"You're up, Winchester." Dean gives his H&K MP5 a final once-over and heads for the doorway. "You'll have a total of five minutes to clear the three rooms. There's two suspects inside, armed with weapons, and a female hostage. Your objective is to exit with the hostage intact. Ready?"

Dean rotates his shoulders, blows out a calming breath and nods. At the curt 'go' he pushes the door open and sweeps the first room. He moves towards the second room and creeps up behind the pacing suspect, disarming him quickly. The woman kneeling in the corner of the room whimpers and Dean holds a finger up to his lips. Making sure the man is cuffed and secured, he signals the woman forward as he crosses the room. He reaches behind him for another set of zip-tie handcuffs and motions for the woman to turn. Dean hurriedly secures her wrists and moves to the final door. He shoulders his weapon and steps into the room and when the final suspect turns, weapon raised, Dean pulls the trigger on his MP5. Twin fluorescent yellow splotches appear in the center of the man's chest and he kneels, arms up over his head.

Final suspect secured and cuffed, Dean rushes back to the other room and retrieves the hostage, moving to the exit. He steps out into the front yard with the woman in tow. "Time!" Taking in the state of the woman, his team leader asks, "Why's she in cuffs, rookie?"

"I had no way of knowing if she really was the hostage or simply a pretty suspect. I secured her until I was sure, Sir."

The lieutenant smiles and concedes, "Good thinking. You can release her. I'm sure Captain Mills appreciates you thinking she's pretty."

Dean blanches and looks at the woman again, recognizing her now that he gets a good look at her face. He cuts her free and apologizes, "I'm sorry about the cuffs, Captain."

"Not a problem, Officer…." She peers at the embroidered nameplate on his vest and reads, "Winchester." The captain gives Dean a smile, "I'd have been disappointed if you hadn't." She turns to the lieutenant and asks, "What's his time, Harris?" Lt. Harris turns the stopwatch and Dean's more than a little surprised to see he still had a little over a minute and a half left on the clock. It's really hard to not beam with both officers praising him.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"I don't know what else to do…I've tried everything and still…"

"Let me ask you this…and you don't need to answer, if it makes you uneasy." Dean looks up from where he's lying on Dr. Trick's tremendously comfortable couch, "Have you and Castiel had sex yet?"

Dean gapes at the psychologist and shakes his head. "No. Every time it comes up, no pun intended, he's trying to 'buy' my forgiveness for some small infraction he's imagined."

Dr. Trick's eyebrows lift in surprise, "Three months and no sex? I'm impressed."

Dean snorts, "Fuck you, doc."

"No, I'm serious, Dean. It's difficult to get close to someone that's been through what he has. Most people would have bugged out by now if they weren't _at least_ getting sex."

Dean rubs at his face with one hand, growling softly, "I'm not 'most people,' doc."

"I'm quickly noticing that." Gabriel sits forward and suggests, "Seduce him." At Dean's suspicious look, he clarifies, "Make the sex _your_ idea. Dinner, candles, music…a nice bottle of wine…keep the conversation relaxed and see where it leads."

"And if he-"

"Trust me, even if it doesn't lead to the bedroom, the date will at least bring you closer. Don't force it. When you're both ready, the sex will happen and it'll be worth it." Dr. Trick smiles and Dean finds it hard to not smile back.

The rest of the hour passes quickly, talking about work. By the time Dean leaves the office, he's feeling a lot more relaxed. Crossing the waiting room, he waves at Ruby and moves out into the hallway and heads for the elevator. He's reaching for the button when his cell rings. Dean fishes the phone out of the rear pocket of his jeans and smiles when he sees _CAS_ on the caller ID. He presses the elevator call button and answers, "Hey, handsome, I was just thinking about you."

"_Flattery will get you nowhere, Freckles." _Dean smirks at the nickname, stepping into the waiting elevator and pressing the button for the lobby of the office building. _"What are you doing? Have time to meet me for lunch?"_

"For you, I'll make time, handsome." The woman in the elevator sneaks a brief glance at him and Dean quirks a brow in challenge when she sneers at the endearment. She turns back to the door with a disgusted sniff and he rolls his eyes, "Where you at? I'll meet you."

"_You know where Devereaux's is?"_

The elevator slows and Dean looks up to watch the doors open. He allows the woman passenger to exit first and then holds the doors open for an elderly couple waiting to enter. They smile at him and he nods in acknowledgement as he steps out. "I think so. It's that small café on Fifth and Holcombe, right?"

"_That is correct. I'll get us a table and leave my name with the hostess, okay?"_

Dean makes his way across the lobby and he pushes the heavy glass door open. He slips his sunglasses in place, walks to the crosswalk and after checking both sides of the street, heads for the parking lot caddy-corner to the office building. "Sounds good. See you soon."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Hi, I'm meeting Dr. Novak for lunch?" Dean smiles at the hostess and tucks his sunglasses into the vee of his t-shirt, wiping his hands on the back pockets of his jeans.

The pretty blonde, whose nametag reads Lilith, nods and gives him an easy smile, "Right this way, Mr. Winchester." Dean follows her thru the small establishment and out onto a small patio at the rear of the café. "Here we are, sir. Charles will be your waiter today. Enjoy." She smiles at them both and heads back inside.

Dean pulls out his chair and leans to kiss Cas on the cheek before sitting. "Hey, you. Didn't hear you leave this morning. I thought you were at work?" He indicates Castiel's attire, question casual.

"I had some things to take care of…and I figured you needed your sleep. You came in rather late last night and I didn't want to wake you." Cas lifts his water glass and takes a sip, blue eyes watching him.

Both men turn at the arrival of their waiter and after listening to the day's specials, order an Ahi Tuna burger for Cas and Steak a la Devereaux for Dean. With a smile, he places a basket of bread on the table between them and leaves to get their drinks.

"Yea, work was rough."

"I figured. Did your team respond to the shooting in Victory Heights?" At Dean's nod, the other man reaches for his hand, "Did you know the officers that died?"

Dean thanks the waiter for his iced tea, taking a sip, "No, both were from another precinct. Still sucks though." Cas interlaces their fingers on the tabletop and listens patiently as he speaks, "One of them _just_ got married and the other was a week from retirement. Such a fucking waste." He looks up and gives Castiel a sad smile, squeezing his hand briefly.

"Makes you appreciate life more?"

"Yea…that and Kevlar." Dean replies, only half-joking. "Can we talk about something else?"

Castiel nods and the rest of lunch is enjoyable, both talking about decidedly more pleasant things. Dean learns that Cas has a new niece and nephew and is regaled with picture after picture of the twins, Michaela and Raphael. Baby-fear aside, even Dean has to admit that the babies are cute as hell. The pair decides to split a rather large slice of strawberry-rhubarb pie. Dean reluctantly lets Castiel feed him forkfuls of the dessert, but it's worth it for the huge smile on the other man's face.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"What you reading?" Dean lowers the e-reader and smiles at Cas. The other man is currently crawling across the bed towards him with a charming little smile on his face. "I never pegged you as a technophile…come to think of it, I never pictured you as much of a reader."

Dean's mouth drops open in shock, "Fuck you very much, Cas! I read!"

Castiel's laughter is muffled against Dean's bare stomach, "SWAT manuals don't count, Dean, neither do gun magazines and parts catalogs."

His fingers reach for the reader and Dean pulls it out of his reach, muttering petulantly, "I read. I read a lot, thank you. I used to have stacks of books piled everywhere, until I moved to this place two years ago. There's significantly less square footage, so I sold most of my collection to the used bookstore down the street."

"That why you bought the e-reader?" Cas is mouthing up Dean's stomach towards his chest, five o'clock shadow scraping lightly over the expanse of tanned skin. Dean squirms somewhat and the doctor looks up, resting a densely stubbled chin atop Dean's sternum. "Decided to upgrade?"

"Ah…no. Actually, it was a Christmas gift from Sam and Jess last year. It came preloaded with a few of my favorites." He smirks briefly and then says seriously, "You have no idea how much I love 'Fun With Dick and Jane.' I was beside myself when I had to sell it to make room for this king-sized bed."

Castiel's laughs and darts up to press a quick kiss to Dean's lips, admonishing teasingly, "Smartass." Cas doesn't fight when Dean pulls him against his side with a grin, face nestling against Dean's muscular shoulder instead.

Dean rolls them both and leans to nip at Cas' neck, grousing under his breath, "Thought you loved my ass, Dr. Novak." He's rewarded with a tiny moan before Castiel can bite it back. "You're always touching it, even in public."

Cas chuckles at his words, answering quietly, hands palming over Dean's ass, "I _do_ love it. It's a fine specimen…dare I say, a perfect one?"

"Oh-ho-ohhh…you're sucking up to me now? First you insult my intelligence and now you're expounding the virtues of my rather spectacular glutes?" At Cas' nod, Dean dips his head and kisses him, tongue shoving into his mouth impatiently. He deepens the kiss, one hand coming up to hold Castiel's jaw in place. The smaller man is trembling, his hands sliding under the waistband of Dean's nearly threadbare jeans. There's a pained sound when he lifts his head, licking at his lips with a predatory grin, "I love your little noises, baby."

Castiel blushes hotly, his eyelids fluttering shut in embarrassment, "_Dean." _That single word conveys the level of discomfiture fully and wrests an apologetic kiss from Dean before he pushes up to a sitting position. When Cas sees him grab the e-reader, he asks hesitantly, "You're stopping?"

The question is wary and slightly disbelieving, making Dean quick to reassure, "No, I was just gonna show you what I was reading. That's all." Swiping a finger over the screen, he hands the reader to Cas and settles next to him, head on his shoulder.

A shocked, "_Slaughterhouse Five_…you're reading Vonnegut?" Castiel gives him wide eyes, mouth dropping open comically.

"I'm reading it _again_, if you must know." Dean playfully bites Cas' shoulder, "You seem surprised, Novak."

"Just…well…I…" The doctor's clearly at a loss for words and Dean fights a smile at his obvious discomfort. It's endearing and he finds that he can't be even a little offended. Dean himself had been stunned to find he liked the author's work, but he had and that was part of the collection Sam had preloaded onto the e-reader. "You surprise me. That's all."

"In a good way, I hope?"

Castiel smiles and kisses him, speaking on his lips, "In a very good way, Winchester."


	9. But It's Worth It

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse

**AN:** A little shift in perspective...this chapter is told from Castiel's POV.

* * *

**Chapter 9 - ...But It's Worth It**

There's a rush of activity through the Emergency Department as the staff prepares for the incoming patients. All trauma rooms are prepped and ready when the first of two ambulances arrives. Castiel moves forward and listens to the paramedics' report, pointing them down the hall, "Take her to Trauma One." Strapped to the first stretcher is a petite woman with a gunshot wound to her shoulder. She's moaning in pain, but conscious. Balthazar waves Castiel off, taking the first patient as they near the trauma room.

The second patient is a man in his late forties, two gunshot wounds to his upper abdomen. Cas rushes forward to help guide the stretcher down the hall and into Trauma Two. One of the paramedics is riding the stretcher, straddled over the patient, doing chest compressions. There's a lot of blood and the man's eyes are glassy and unfocused, the outcome not promising. Ten minutes later, the team ceases all efforts to resuscitate the man. Everyone knows full well that he was dead before he hit the E.D.

Quickly washing his hands, Castiel makes his way to the other occupied trauma room. He arrives in time to watch the first patient be wheeled off towards the trauma elevator and up to surgery. Balthazar assures him the woman is fine and will make a full recovery with, hopefully, minimal permanent damage to the functionality of her arm.

Fifteen minutes later, Castiel is standing with the rest of the emergency staff, watching the news coverage on the television mounted between Curtain One and Two. Reports are sketchy but he knows there's a hostage situation downtown in the lobby of the newly remodeled Leviathan Towers. Several armed men barricaded themselves in the office building and started making demands. They hadn't shot anyone until the middle-aged man had tried to wrestle one of the gunmen for his weapon. The woman had gotten shot in the resulting altercation. Police presence is thick in the street outside the rather imposing tower and Castiel is sure that it's only a matter of time before SWAT is called in.

"I'm sure he's fine, Cassie." Castiel turns to nod at Balthazar and goes back to chewing on his thumbnail, anxious eyes on the television. Ever since the hospital had been put on alert, Dr. Novak's stomach has been in knots. It's been nearly thirty minutes since the first call came in and the situation doesn't appear to be anywhere closer to being over. Cas watches in horror as the SWAT team's black armored B.E.A.R. comes into view, followed by the much larger Mobile Command Center.

He turns to glare at Balthazar and points to the television, "You _had_ to say something, didn't you? Bastard." His friend gawks in disbelief and cups a hand behind Castiel's neck, pulling him close enough to place a sloppy kiss on his temple. When the SWAT team emerges from the back of the B.E.A.R. vehicle, Cas takes a deep breath and allows his colleague to whisper words of comfort. He tries to pick Dean out of all the men on the screen, but the team is wearing balaclavas and they all look identical to one another.

The reporter is talking but Castiel isn't listening, he's too busy watching the men on the screen. They're nodding at whatever the Team Leader is saying and suddenly the broadcast switches to the news anchor in the studio, the feed from the scene having been obviously cut by the police. Castiel feels Balthazar pulling him towards the nurse's station and he permits himself to be manhandled into one of the chairs. Ten minutes seem like ten hours as his eyes strain to see if there is any change in the news reports.

When the call comes in five minutes later, it's to report two RA units en route, both Code 3 and Cas nearly passes out when the anchor relays what the correspondent in the field has told her through her earpiece.

"_We have reports of officers down at the scene. Apparently one SWAT officer was killed, another two critically wounded, in an explosion while subduing the suspects. Both officers are currently being transported to St. Joseph's for medical treatment. Our prayers are with them and their families during this extremely difficult time."_

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

The first officer is a gray-eyed forty-two-year-old with half his face gone. He's quickly bleeding to death and Castiel is grateful when the trauma surgeon arrives to take over, freeing him to cross the hall and help Balthazar with the other officer. This one is awake and screaming an endless litany of incomprehensible words. The staff is having trouble keeping him still and as Castiel steps closer, he sees why. The second officer's left arm is gone, nothing left but a bloody pressure dressing where the man's elbow should be.

"Stevens…Stevens, stop it, man! They're trying to help, buddy!" The man's commanding officer is trying to calm the wounded man, with minimal success. Suddenly the man arches up off the exam table and after a choked gasp, goes deathly silent. "Is he dead? _Is he dead?!" _The team lead is frantic and Castiel moves to check a pulse, relieved when he finds one. It's faint but it's still there.

Balthazar's calm voice reassures the man, "He's alive. Just the pain meds finally kicking in." His hands are moving over the man's injuries, satisfied that the extent of damage is limited to the left arm and shoulder. His voice is encouraging as he speaks, but his attention is on his patient. The man makes no move to leave the trauma room and Balthazar gently hints, "Go tell your men that we're doing everything we can. I'm sure they're worried." The team lead seems to startle out of his thoughts and nods, heading out, thanking them as he does, voice shaky and distracted.

Castiel moves to help his associate, more for something to do than anything else. The other doctor has the situation well under control and when the stabilized officer is finally headed up to surgery, the realization hits him that he never thought to ask who the dead officer was. Apparently he isn't the only one that noticed, because Castiel can hear Balthazar out in the hall speaking to the other policemen. His voice is gently inquiring about their fallen comrade. It's the SWAT Team Commander who responds and it isn't what Cas wants to hear. It only serves to make bile rise up into his throat.

"_We haven't told family yet, doc. Until his brother knows, we're not releasing his name."_

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Castiel is still dry heaving over a toilet bowl almost ten minutes later. He'd rushed to the men's room upon hearing the commander's tired voice coolly answering the other doctor's question. After locking himself in a stall, Castiel had prepared for the inevitable. Breathing heavily, he'd been sure he was going to vomit his entire gastric contents. Horrifyingly, the retching was fruitless and his stomach is still churning obscenely.

Balthazar's voice is speaking to him through the stall's door, "Cassie, he's fine. His commanding officer assures me it wasn't him. Now will you _please_ come out of there? Besides, if you were going to barf your biscuits, you'd have done so by now."

The only answer Castiel can manage is a weak groan, swallowing hard past the lump in his throat. Figuring that his friend is probably right, he emerges from the stall, wiping a hand over his face. Staggering to the sink, he waves a hand under the faucet to activate the motion sensor controlling the flow of water. Castiel is drying his face and he could almost swear there's a faint, _'Cas!...Cas!...CAS!' _from somewhere out in the hall. His mind is playing tricks on him, he's sure, but when the doctor hears the voice again, closer this time, it causes a curl of hope to form in his chest.

His colleague pushes the bathroom door open and looks out, waving Castiel over eagerly with a smile. Rushing over, impatient hands push the British man out of the way. There in the middle of the hallway, is Dean. Face and neck bloody, but with a huge smile on his face and he's the most extraordinary thing Castiel has ever seen.

"Cas!" The second the green-eyed man lays eyes on him, he's rushing over, taking his face in both hands, "I got here as fast as I could." Castiel is taking in the sight of Dean's face, from the laceration over his left eyebrow to the bloody eye below it. His face is set in severe lines as he hustles Dean into an exam room, brushing away his placating, "Baby, I've fine."

"I'm the doctor, Dean, and you are most certainly _not_ fine! Now sit still while I exam you." The look on his face must have been more concerned than he realized, because the man sat without another word. He weathers Castiel's exam with barely any objection, wincing only when the local anesthetic is administered. Before long, Castiel is finished stitching up the laceration above Dean's eye. Snipping the final suture, he sets both the scissors and needle into the lac tray. He smiles tightly at the nurse who steps forward to clean up. She takes the tray away and leaves a small dressing in its place. His voice is whisper-soft, "I was terrified it was you."

Careful fingers apply a small bandage over the laceration before Castiel presses a feather-light kiss upon the gauze. Dean smiles at the kiss and answers, voice just as soft, "I know. Cas…it's why I rushed down here as fast as I could. I knew you'd worry. I had no way to contact you from the scene…and I wanted your staff focused on Stevens and Malvich." The other man swallows hard and cups Castiel's face in both hands, thumbs grazing over his bottom lip. "Fuck, baby…I was so scared. All I could think while the medics checked me over was that I needed to get to you ASAP."

There's a brief knock on the door and Castiel turns to see Balthazar standing there, apologetic at having interrupted the couple. "Glad you're okay, Dean. Cassie here was going crazy. Even used colorful language. I was quite amusing, I must say." Dean chuckles softly, teeth biting his bottom lip to keep the smile off his face.

At Castiel's warning glower, the British doctor backs out of the room, pointing to his watch as he does. Dean frowns and looks at the time, asking, "What's so important about four o'clock?"

"We have a meeting…and then...I give sign…out…at five." His explanation is broken up by the brief, teasing kisses the policeman is giving him. He's hard-pressed to ignore the urgency in his lover's affections. "I need…to go, Dean...really." Dean just makes a muffled '_mmhmm'_ and continues kissing him as if he hadn't spoken. It takes an inordinate amount of resolve to pull away with a whispered, "I'll see you at later?"

Dean answers him with a teasing lick to the roof of his mouth before pulling away, a grin on his face. "Was going to check on the rest of the team, see how they're doing. After that, we have debriefing and reports to fill out before I can leave, but yeah. You'll be home before I even leave the station. My apartment or yours?"

Castiel doesn't even think about it, "Yours." Dean nods and after another brief kiss, both men exit the exam room and head to their separate destinations.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Castiel lifts his head to look at the clock on the wall, eyes widening slightly. Exasperation floods throughout him at the realization that only five minutes have elapsed since the last time he checked. There's a low clucking sound from the seat next to him and he sneaks a glance at his friend. Balthazar is scribbling on a piece of paper. A piece of paper he slides over towards him when he's done.

_**Stop it, Cassie. You're distracting me.**_

Reading the note, he bites on the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling and scratches out a response, sliding the sheet of paper back towards his friend.

_**Ignore me then, Balthie. It's not like you're listening anyway.**_

A small choked sound is Balthazar's answer, that and an offended sniff. Castiel once again looks at the clock and then tries to concentrate on the physician at the podium, having assumed that the conversation was over. He was wrong. The piece of paper is shoved back into his line of sight.

_**For your information, you arrogant little **__**jerk**__** prick, I AM paying attention!**_

Castiel huffs a laugh, coughing to cover it when he sees another doctor turn to look at them. His hand comes up to hide his smile while idly he draws a little stick figure with flaming pants next to the words '_liar, liar, pants on fire.' _Giving Balthazar a smug little grin, he takes a sip from his water bottle and leans back in his chair. Within seconds the sheaf of paper is returned to his lap, one word in bold block letters staring up at him.

_**CHILD**_

It takes him only a few seconds to write a response, leaning forward to drop the page over the screen of his friend's cell phone.

_**I'm not the one playing Angry Birds when I **__**should be listening!**_

Castiel's not prepared for the flick of Balthazar's finger against his temple. His indignant yelp garners more than a few curious glares from their companions. Balthazar is sniggering under his breath; his whole body slouched low in his seat. Castiel absently reaches up to rub at his temple and is hardly shocked when the paper is back in his lap.

_**I'll have you know you're distracting me FROM my Angry Birds. Now stop fidgeting and calling attention to us, genius. The torture is almost over.**_

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Castiel is lounging on Dean's couch, only half-watching a movie on the television, when the front door opens. Arching up over the arm of the couch, he smiles at the sight that greets him. Dean is dead-bolting the front door, body only half-turned towards it. In his left hand is the large black duffle bag that holds all his tactical gear, the weight of it making the muscles of his arm bunch under the white t-shirt.

"I can feel you leering, Cas."

Eyes snap up to Dean's face and he ducks behind the arm of the couch, blushing furiously at having been caught staring. Castiel can't help it. He loves looking at Dean, no matter what he's wearing. At the sound of the bag being dropped onto the floor, Cas hazards a glance over the arm. Dean is standing next to the computer desk, draping his jacket over the back of the chair. It's when he bends at the waist to remove his boots that Castiel finally speaks, "Oh, now you're just doing it on purpose."

A cocky little laugh is his initial reply, followed by a tiny shrug once Dean straightens, "Mmmmaybe…you enjoying the view?"

"You know _full_ well that I fucking love that ass, Dean."

Before Castiel registers what's happened, Dean is straddling him, a scandalized laugh bubbling out of sensual, smirking lips. "I love when you talk dirty, doc." His lover's lips are grazing over the exposed curve of his neck and Castiel bows up, a breathy moan escaping him. "You're usually so prim and proper." Dean affects a gravely voice, impersonating him, 'Dean, I'd really like to perform oral sex on you now.' Then there's, 'Would it be acceptable if I requested manual gratification?' And my personal fave, 'Dean, I'd appreciate it if you'd allow me to deep-throat you.'"

Castiel groans in embarrassment and reaches up to fist both hands in Dean's hair, tugging him down to growl on his lips, "Will you shut the hell up and skull-fuck me?" Dean's laugh is swallowed up by his eager kiss, tongue shoving hard into the cop's mouth. He pulls back just long enough to taunt him, "Whip that dick out for me, motherfucker."

"Goddamn, Cas." Dean's voice is awe-struck as he sits back on his haunches, hands making quick work of his belt. Castiel unfastens the button of the jeans and with a salacious little grin, drags the zipper down, hand slipping into the parted denim. Dean gasps the second long fingers are wrapped around his burgeoning erection. "I love when you get like this…"

"Good to know," he whispers, hand squeezing around Dean, stroking gently. He's fascinated by the expression on the other man's face, so open and trusting. Both of Dean's eyes are shut, his head thrown back in response to the swipe of Castiel's thumb over the flushed tip of his cock. Carefully, he eases out from under him and lifts his thumb up to his mouth to lick at the precum smeared there. Dean makes a noise of protest at the loss of contact and Castiel is quick to silence him with a kiss. Urgent hands strip Dean of his t-shirt, hungry kisses mapping the tan expanse of muscled flesh. Castiel traces both hands down Dean's spine and upon discovering the service weapon at the small of his back, pulls away slightly. "You're still wearing your gun."

"Huh? Oh…sorry, baby. I didn't think." Dean un-holsters the weapon, removing the clip. He pulls the slide back, ejecting the round in the chamber and reaches out to set everything on the coffee table. "There…big, bad gun all gone. Now…where were we?" Castiel smiles and lowers his head, flicking his tongue over Dean's lower belly, "Oh yea…that's where."

"Dean?"

"Yeah, baby?" He doesn't answer him, just shifts to glide his mouth over the other man's dick. Dean's throaty moan is all the encouragement Castiel needs to ease his lips lower. He struggles to take the full length of turgid flesh, gagging momentarily at the twitch of Dean's hips. "Oh, fuck, Cas…yea…just like…"

It's not surprising, the amount of encouragement dripping from the other man's lips. A stream of barely intelligible nonsense is perfect accompaniment to the slick sounds of Castiel's worshipful sucking. He drags the barest edge of teeth over that ridge, grinning when Dean shudders; the stream of precum is almost constant now, mixing with the shine of spit covering his arousal.

"_Harder_…fuck…please, harder," Dean urges, hips thrusting faster. Castiel is quick to comply, earning him a guttural, "Mmmfuck, baby…just like that." He looks up to meet a smoldering emerald gaze, licking his lips enticingly. The curl of Dean's lip makes him smile, because Cas knows just what is about to erupt from that gorgeous mouth, "I want that mouth on me when I blow…want to feel you struggle while you choke on it."

Castiel moans and mouths over that flushed cockhead, eyes peering up as he utters, dark and dirty, "Then give it to me…feed me like the dirty little cum-guzzler I am." He glides over the crown, lips tight around the shaft as Dean climaxes with a shout. The pulsing spurt of cum hits the back of Castiel's throat and he enthusiastically swallows it all down, hand stroking up to meet his lips as his lover unravels beneath him.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Cum-guzzler? Seriously?" Dean's voice is post-orgasmic and blissed out, "I can't believe you said that."

The two men are laying half-off the couch, tangled together in a mass of limbs. Dean's sprawled underneath Castiel, still wearing his jeans and underwear. Sort of. They're tangled somewhere between his knees and ankles. Castiel's face is burrowed into the side of Dean's neck, lips brushing along the sweat-slicked skin as he speaks, "Mmm…yes, well you seemed to like it at the time. If I recall, you liked it quite a bit."

Dean laughs, the sound erotic and warm, "I love when you whisper dirty things to me." Cas hums happily at the feel of Dean's fingers lightly combing through his hair. "It's so…"

"Wicked?"

"Uh huh and so fucking raunchy." Castiel grins, lifting his head to glance at Dean. He allows himself a long hard look at his amazing man. Dean's eyes are closed, but under his scrutiny, one green eye slits open. Lips curling up into a contented smile, he asks, "What?"

Castiel shakes his head, exhaling happily, "Nothing." When it seems like Dean is going to question further, he amends, "I was just thinking how lucky I am…to have found you. That's all."

Blue eyes crinkle as astonishment flares over Dean's face. "That's all?" Dean speaks to no one in particular, "'That's all,' he says." Castiel snorts a laugh and watches, captivated, "You really know how to make a man feel all…"

"Loved?" If the astonishment was fun to watch, the stunned silence is even more satisfying. Castiel can't help it. It's worth it, to lean up and purr on those parted lips, "I love you."

"_Cas." _

Castiel shushes him and repeats, "I love you, Dean Winchester. Deal with it." And with that he slants his lips over Dean's and kisses him deeply, never seeing the tears welled up in the other man's eyes.


	10. Sometimes Patience Is All You Need

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse

**AN:** Quote is from Jessie J's Who You Are

**Chapter Notes: **This was a **very**difficult chapter to write and I anticipate it will be very hard for some people to read.

** **Please be advised****

**This chapter includes descriptions of abuse that could be VERY triggery to some people.  
Read with caution.**

* * *

**Chapter 10 - Sometimes Patience Is All You Need**

"_It's okay not to be okay_

_Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart_

_Tears don't mean you're losing"_

He wakes up drenched in sweat, a scream lodged in his throat. He looks around his bedroom and struggles to calm his breathing, willing the tears back. A barely muffled sob making its way past his trembling lips. Every time he sleeps in his own apartment, the nightmares plague him. He'll fall asleep fine and _maybe_ get three to four hours, but then he'd wake up in a cold sweat. It's why he hates sleeping in the two-bedroom apartment by himself…_memories_.

Castiel would rather be curled up on the huge king-sized bed in Dean's apartment. He contemplates getting dressed and heading over there right now, regardless of the time. It's...(he looks over at the nightstand)…1am, but it's not like the other man will care. He's out of town at a training seminar and won't be back for two days. Castiel notices the blinking light on his cell phone. He rolls closer and retrieves the phone. The main menu tells him there are several unread text messages. His thumb taps the screen and a smile spreads across his face. They're all from Dean.

_**Message from: Dean Received: 2245**_

_**Hate this. Cant sleep.**_

_**Message from: Dean Received: 2255**_

_**Jameson snores. A LOT**_

_**Message from: Dean Received: 2256**_

_**U dont snore all**_

_**Message from: Dean Received: 2301**_

_**Gonna try and sleep…gn**_

The messages are simple letters, but Castiel can hear the inflection of Dean's voice in his head as he reads them. It makes him laugh under his breath. He looks at the time and after a moment of indecision, taps out a quick reply.

**Message to: Dean Sent: 0113**

**Sorry you couldn't sleep. If it makes you feel better, I had a difficult time falling asleep as well. I know I don't snore, but you do. Hopefully you've fallen asleep, dreaming of me.**

The replies are almost instantaneous, arriving in quick succession.

_**Message from: Dean Received: 0114**_

_**No such luck. **_

_**Message from: Dean Received: 0114**_

_**& no I dont feel btr. U shld b asleep. Drs need their rest**_

_**Message from: Dean Received: 0115**_

_**I DO NOT SNORE**_

Castiel laughs, because he'd _known_ that was the reaction he was going to get. Ever since he'd mentioned the snoring (in passing, because really it's not a big deal) Dean had been denying it profusely. Assuring him that no one had ever complained of it before.

**Message to: Dean Sent: 0116**

**So do sexy cops, Love**

**Message to: Dean Sent: 0117**

**And yes, you do in fact snore**

**Message to: Dean Sent: 0117**

**L…O...U...D…L…Y**

He's in the middle of composing another text when the phone rings. The ringing startles him briefly and he's not surprised to see that it's Dean calling.

"_I really snore that bad?" _Dean's voice is hushed and sleepy.

"It's not a big deal, Dean. If I had known it would upset you this badly, I would have never mentioned it. Now tell me…why can't you sleep?"

There's a soft little exhale of breath on the other end of the line and then the sound of a throat being cleared. Dean's voice is even quieter when he finally answers, _"This bed is too big. I miss you."_

Castiel sucks in a breath and bites his lip. He's embarrassed by the strength of his reaction to those little words and when he responds, his voice is just as quiet, "I miss you too, Love."

Dean moans softly and there's the faint sound of what he can only assume are rustling covers. Castiel's about to ask Dean if he's doing what Cas thinks he's doing, but the other man speaks, voice soft, almost tentative, _"Tell me you love me."_

If there's one thing Dean isn't, it's tentative. Castiel is sure of that. The mere fact that he's being asked for those three little words means the world to him. He can't help it, Castiel's smiling when he complies, "I love you…love you…love you…love you." Each time he says it, his voice gets lower until he's practically breathing the words out.

"_Cas…" _There's a hitch of breath and Castiel can almost see the look on Dean's face as he exhales softly. _"God, baby…I wish you were here." _

"I know, Dean. I wish you were _here_. I know it won't help…but…I uh…slipped something into your bag. A gift?"

"_You what?" _Castiel grimaces at the shock in his boyfriend's voice. A small, mortified noise escapes him, because he can't believe he did what he did. Thinking about it now, it was stupid, but it seemed a good idea at the time. There's the muffled sound of a zipper being pulled open on the other end of the line, then furious shuffling and finally a choked laugh before Dean is back on the line, _"Baby…you packed your Marvin the Martian t-shirt for me?"_

"Um…yea?" Castiel can't believe he's blushing. Dean is a thousand miles away and he's blushing like a teenager, face all scrunched up in embarrassment.

A happy moan filters over the airwaves and when Dean speaks again, there's a husky undertone to the words, _"It smells like you, baby._"

"That's kind of the point, Dean."

"_Dude, you're…fucking awesome. Seriously. Thank you."_

Castiel asks hopefully, "Think you'll be able to sleep now?" There's a contented sigh and a muted 'mm hmm' from his 'big tough policeman' and Cas thinks that maybe now, he can get some sleep too.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"You know, you've had that stupid grin on your face all day." Balthazar presses a hand over his abdomen, "It's nauseating…please stop. I'll have you know…I've absolutely no qualms about horking all over your shoes, Dr. Novak."

Castiel is sitting at the nurse's station, busy going over his charts when Balthazar walks up. His friend mimes heaving into the trashcan and then dramatically fans himself with one of the pamphlets from the display sitting on the counter.

"Oh, leave him alone, Dr. Grumpy, M.D." Meg winks at Castiel before rounding on Balthazar, gently prodding him in the chest with her pen, "Haven't _you_ ever been in love?"

"Will you kindly cease violating me with your writing implement, Meg-zilla…or I'll suggest they don't allow you to pull in extra shifts in _my_ kingdom."

"_Your_ kingdom?" Meg and Castiel splutter at the same time, before dissolving into hysterics. The British doctor glares at them both and throws in a sneer for good measure before waving a hand dismissively and walking away from the nurses' station.

"Well, that was..." Castiel wipes at the laughter-tears streaming down his face, still chuckling under his breath.

"Mmm…yea. It's a good thing he's a great doctor, or everyone would hate him, because he's almost…too..." her voice trails off, at a loss for words. Meg is waving a hand in the air vaguely, almost as if searching for the right word to describe his colleague. She finally settles on, "…_himself_ for his own good."

A surprised giggle bubbles up and Castiel nods in agreement, "Yes, that is a good way to describe it."

"So what time's your hunky cop getting back?" Meg smiles, head tilted to the side as she watches him.

"I'm picking him up from the airport in an hour."

"Ohhh…that's why you're all grins and giggles." Castiel nods, saving his changes to the current chart before moving on to the next one. When he looks up a few minutes later, Meg is gone, presumably off to check on a patient. It's some thirty minutes later, while he's closing out his final chart, that she returns, holding a medium-sized poster board. There are two other nurses with her, all of them looking rather excited about something. Meg (apparently the spokesperson of the little group) states, "Soooo the girls and I made something for you to hold up in baggage claim." Her announcement made, she opens the sign with a flourish. Castiel ducks his head, hand reaching up in an attempt to hide the blush creeping over his face.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

A little over fifteen minutes later, Castiel is waiting at baggage claim, the homemade sign at his side. Dean's plane is pulling up to the gate, almost ten minutes early. He bounces up and down on the balls of his feet, nervous for some idiotic reason. It's not like this is their initial meeting, but it is the first time, in almost four months, that they've been apart for more than a night.

The vibration of his cellphone pulls him from his thoughts. Dean is supposed to call when he's out of the jet way, past the gate and nearing baggage claim. Castiel ignores the call and holds up the sign. Almost immediately the cellphone begins to vibrate again. He once again sends it to voicemail and looks around hoping to catch sight of Dean first. Passengers are making their way to the baggage carrousels and he's earning more than a few curious looks as people read his sign.

Castiel catches sight of Dean on the escalator, cellphone up to his ear. He can tell when the call goes to voicemail (yet again) because Dean frowns. He's focused down at the screen as he snakes his way through the crowd. Castiel takes a few steps closer and is standing about ten feet away when Dean looks up. He watches as those striking green eyes flick down to the sign and back up at his face. Dean drops the large black duffle bag onto the floor and rushes forward, a huge grin splitting his face.

"I'll show you special weapons," is muttered against his open mouth seconds before he's being kissed to within an inch of his life.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

Strong arms wrap around him and Castiel burrows his face against Dean's shoulder. "So tell me…who made the sign, because I _know_ you didn't make _that_ yourself." Dean gestures towards the sign leaning against the dresser mirror.

"I'm highly offended that you have the nerve to insinuate I couldn't pos-"

Dean's voice is unconvinced, "It has hearts and glitter all over it! Even you're not _that_ gay, Novak." Castiel assumes a mock-insulted expression before 'accidently' elbowing his boyfriend in the ribs. "Owww-ha-owwww!" Cas narrows his eyes and tries (rather unsuccessfully) to look threatening. Dean's rubbing at his injured side and pouting now, giving Cas the most pathetic puppy-dog eyes ever known to man.

It takes all of ten seconds for him to crack a smile, "You're a jerk. Did you know that? You're lucky I love you, Neanderthal." Dean cackles evilly and straddles his side, peppering his face and neck with sloppy open-mouthed kisses. "Oh good LORD! Stop! You're _slobbering_ all over me!" He tries to rolls over to avoid the drool-fest, but Dean is (obviously) much stronger and Castiel is quickly flat on his back with almost 190 lbs of Texan sprawled on top of him. He groans and wheezes theatrically, "Would you get off me, you fatty! You weigh a TON!"

Dean gasps dramatically, "I'm not fat! I'm all muscle!" As if to prove his point, he pins both of Castiel's wrists above his head and wiggles his brows before leaning to suck a bruise onto the curve of his shoulder.

And just like that, it's no longer fun. An icy chill spreads through him and he swallows hard. Castiel can feel his heartbeat hammering in his ears and his breathing is growing more and more erratic. He knows, he fucking _KNOWS_, that Dean has _no idea_ anything's changed. Cas knows because he's positive that if Dean knew, the licking and sucking on his neck would have stopped. Castiel takes a terrified breath and whimpers, _"Dean."_

Dean lifts his head and instantly lifts off of him, hands releasing him, "Cas…tell me what's wrong." The policeman's voice is scared and he's watching him with wide eyes. Castiel's struggling to breathe and can only shake his head, holding up a hand when Dean goes to hug him. "Baby, tell me…what's wrong." Both hands are now curled into fists to keep from reaching for him again and Castiel feels his panic ratchet up even higher. Dean notices it and relaxes his hands, holding them open as he backs away to the foot of the bed. "Is it because I pinned you down?" Tears are streaming down Castiel's cheeks and he can only nod in response. He watches Dean's face twist in pain and it breaks his heart not being able to speak so he does the next best thing: he holds a trembling hand out.

His hand is wrapped in both of Dean's and gentle, soothing kisses are brushing over his knuckles. Castiel feels his panic subside minutely and he moans out, _"Please."_

"Please what, baby…tell me what I can do to help."

All he can do is mouth _'hold me.' _And thank the Heavens for wonderful green-eyed men…Dean does just that.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

Dean's voice is gentle, "You want to talk about it?"

Castiel is engulfed in glorious, strong arms and he really knows he should say 'yes' in response, but all he can whisper is, "No."

Soothing circles rub over his back and Dean speaks into the crown of head, "Okay, baby. We don't have to talk about it." Castiel closes his eyes when he feels a kiss pressed onto his hair.

Time passes and neither of them speaks. The only sound is the whirring of the ceiling fan overhead. There's an occasional dog barking outside, but inside the apartment, it's almost silent. Castiel is wrapped up in Dean's arms, face pressed against the blue cotton of the Marvin the Martian t-shirt his partner is wearing. His face is cradled lightly against said chest.

Approximately ten minutes later, Castiel finally has the courage to say, "He used to hold me down. When we'd have sex."

Dean's response is a pained, "Baby, don't."

"Shh, Dean…_I_ need to tell you… you _deserve_ to know." He hazards a quick glance up and pleads, "Don't say anything…just…just listen, please?"

Castiel feels the nod and takes a deep breath, "It started like any other 'normal' relationship, you know? He was romantic, attentive…the whole nine yards. It was maybe six months before he changed. Little things at first…like calling more often, texting me at all hours and as time went on, it got worse.

"I'd leave for work and the second I arrived in the unit…he was calling. It got to the point that I'd call him, from the landline, as soon as I got to the hospital and again before I left." A mirthless laugh escapes him and he burrows his face deeper against Dean's chest. "I was sadly okay with it. Pathetic, I know, but I was. Until the one time I forgot to call.

"He showed up. Of course, he was the 'perfect boyfriend' around everyone. Said he was worried something had happened to me on the way to work…but when I got home after my shift…" Dean's arms tighten around him and Cas can tell just how hard it is for him to not speak.

"He, uhh…he was on me before I even locked the door…yelling at how inconsiderate I was, called me a 'selfish little queen' and when I laughed, trying to make light of it, he slapped me. I slapped him back and he backhanded me. Luckily it didn't leave a mark. I was able to write it off as a singular event…until it happened again.

"I was making dinner…I don't remember what the occasion was, but I knocked over the bottle of wine and it went everywhere. I cleaned it up and everything would have been fine, except I was so focused on cleaning up the wine, that I burned the garlic bread. When he make a comment about it, I joked 'what do you expect, I drank a whole bottle of wine while I was cooking'…you can pretty much figure how that went.

"That's the first time I got punched. I had a black eye when I went back to work…had to tell everyone I got it playing racquetball. After that, he uh…he learned to not hit where people would see the bruises. Slaps became a thing of the past. It was all punching and kicking after that.

"I learned how to act, to behave, so I didn't get hit and it got better. He was back to his old self, loving and attentive, even so far as to be called remorseful. I was happy again. _We_ were happy. He suggested I move in and because things were 'normal' again, I agreed. I should have known better.

"We were at a Christmas party and Balthazar, being himself, was drunk off his ass. I was getting our coats and Balthazar cornered me under the mistletoe. Alastair caught us kissing and he snapped. He was so furious…I ran after him, trying to explain. Finally caught him in the parking garage." Castiel squeezes his eyes shut at the memory.

"He forced me into the backseat of his car and…he called it 'reclaiming what was his.' Oh god, Dean…I curled up and cried all the way home, where he did it again and again. I couldn't sit down for days. After that, he got off on holding me down. It got to the point we wouldn't have 'regular' sex…it was violent every single time. I'd just lie there and take it, because when I fought back…it was so much worse. I don't remember a lot of what he did…I started blacking out when he'd rape me, would just retreat into my head.

"That's what did it…all the sexual brutality. It broke me. I couldn't function anymore. It started affecting my work. I was forgetful, distracted, and paranoid. When people would ask if I was okay, I'd lash out at them. That's why I left Angel of Mercy. My Attending accused me of being a junkie and I snapped…called him a whole host of derogatory names.

"Luckily, I was given the opportunity to resign. Balthazar vouched for me at St. Joe's and after a rather rigorous screening, they hired me. Anna knew from the moment she first met me. She'd been in an abusive relationship for six years and could see all the signs on me. When I called in sick one day, she showed up…with the cops.

"He'd taken a box cutter and held me down while he…"

Dean's patience finally cracks and he chokes out a indignant, "Your scars."

Castiel nods and looks up finally, "Yes." He lifts up a shaky hand and traces it over Dean's forehead, "It's why I don't walk around shirtless…it's an embarrassing reminder of how weak I was."

"Oh, baby," Dean cups his face and insists, "you're not weak. You're anything but. My sweet, beautiful man…what I wouldn't give to go back and…"

"Shhh, Dean," he presses his fingers to those quivering lips and states calmly, "Anna saved me that day…she had him arrested. He got thirteen months, but only served nine. Got out for good behavior. By that time, I'd moved and changed my number. Still found me when he got out.

"He was different, normal even. It was eerie. He had to go to anger management classes as part of his parole and had to live in a halfway house under curfew…until he showed 'how well' he was doing and they allowed him to get his own apartment with weekly parole officer checks.

"That was three weeks before I met you. He started calling me at work, begging to see me…so he could prove to me just how well he was doing. I have no idea how he got my number, but he started calling, texting…

"You know the rest." Dean kisses the fingers pressed against his lips, dragging a smile out of him, "You've been so good for me…you have no idea. It's been so easy to let you in. And the sex…God, Dean…you've been so patient about the sex. I just…thank you. My big, strong policeman…Thank you."

Dean smiles and asks carefully, "Can I kiss you?"

Castiel leans closer and puckers his lips, "C'mere, copper…lay one on me." The other man snorts a laugh and enfolds him in a gentle hug, lips covering his in a cautious, yet sweet kiss.


	11. Dean Winchester, BF Extraordinaire

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse

* * *

**Chapter 11 - Dean Winchester, Boyfriend Extraordinaire**

"Thank you." At the inquisitive look, he clears his throat and clarifies, "For telling me. I know it was tough opening yourself up like that…it's…it means a lot that you trust me that much." When Castiel doesn't say anything, Dean ducks his head and mutters, "That's all."

"'That's all?'" Cas looks around at an imaginary audience and repeats with a teasing grin, "'That's all,' he says." Dean laughs and pulls Castiel closer, tucking the slimmer man against his side. When Cas speaks again, it's almost inaudible, "It's _I_ who should be thanking you, Dean Winchester. For everything."

Then answer is so formal…so…_Cas_ that Dean can only hug Castiel tighter and kiss him. He has to take a deep breath and it takes two tries before he can manage a quiet, "You're quite welcome, Castiel Novak."

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

They're curled around each other in the bed and have been for about two hours. Castiel has been intermittently dozing against his chest and Dean just can't seem to stop holding him. His right arm is wrapped tight around Cas' waist and the left is around his shoulders, allowing Dean to tuck the man under his chin. He's been absently rubbing his cheek on Castiel's hair and his body is more relaxed than it's been in a long time. He feels Cas tremble in his arms, whimpering softly at whatever is plaguing his dreams. Dean cups his left hand behind Cas' head and gently shushes him, fingers slowly combing through the dark hair.

At the sound of his voice, Castiel instantly calms and nuzzles his face against his chest. There's a sleepy mumbled, _"mmm…my hero," _and Dean quickly realizes that Cas is hard against his hip, hard and rubbing against him in a very suggestive manner. _"Lemme say thank you." _Dean's eyes roll up into his head and his jaw clenches when one of Cas' legs shifts to drape across his waist, giving the sleeping man more leverage for his takes a shuddering breath, trying to control his raging hormones, but of course that's when Castiel tucks a heel against his hip and thrusts harder. A rather unmanly whimper makes it past his lips and Dean whispers Cas' name, waking him gently.

Castiel wakes up slowly, body undulating against him (in a strictly non-sexual way, dammit!) as he stretches. Sleep-mussed hair is sticking out in all directions and heavy lids frame drowsy cobalt eyes, but Cas is still the most beautiful thing Dean's ever seen. "Hey, sleepyhead. Have a nice nap?"

"Mmm…yes. I was having a very nice dream about you." The smile Castiel levels on him is coy and positively suggestive.

Dean tries for nonchalance, "Oh yea?"

Cas nods at him, teeth dragging over his bottom lip and Dean should be considered for sainthood because _hot damn_ that is sexy as fuck. "It was dark and I was walking home. Alone. Muggers tried to take my wallet and you swooped in. Saved my ass." Cas grins and licks his lips hungrily, moaning softly, "Then you fucked my ass…right there…bent over the Batmobile."

Dean's mouth drops open and he stutters, "I-I-I'm B-batman?"

"Mmmm," Cas makes a production of stretching and smiles at him provocatively, "…hmm." Dean swallows as his boyfriend moves onto all fours, then up onto his knees, "You didn't even use a Batcondom…just…fucked me bareback on that shiny black car." Castiel's face brightens as if he just now thought of something, "Hey…_you_ have a shiny black car, Dean."

"_Cas_…"

Castiel responds by ducking his head, nuzzling at the base of his throat and Dean nearly swallows his tongue when Cas' hand starts traveling up the inside of his leg towards his rapidly filling cock. Castiel purrs (fucking _purrs_…who knew he _could_ purr?!) against his ear, "Tell me, Mr. Winchester. Are you Batman?"

"Holy shit, Cas…" Dean's about to tell Cas that yes, he'll be his fucking Batman…all he has to do is arch that sweet ass up in the air and take it…just take every hard thrust of his hips until he's spilling into him. The words are right there, on the tip of his tongue…

When his pager goes off.

"Holy cock-block, Batman." Dean stares at Cas; stunned that the word 'cock-block' just came out of a normally prim and proper mouth. Castiel is the one that slips from the bed to retrieve the offensive object from where it's sitting atop the dresser, because well…Dean can't walk yet. Cas makes it back to the bed and holds the pager out towards him with a cheeky grin.

Dean scrolls through the message and scowls, shifting to sit on the edge of the bed. He pulls the blue Marvin the Martian t-shirt up over his head and drapes it reverently over the footboard before crossing to pick a plain black tee from the dresser. He's in the process of pulling it on, when his cell phone rings, "Sonofa…I'm coming, Jee-susss!"

"Dean's phone." Cas is sitting lotus-style in the center of the bed, Dean's cell pressed to his ear. "He's right here, yes." Castiel tilts his head as he listens to the other caller, "He did, yes." Dean shoves his feet into his boots and is in the process of stomping over to the bed to tie them when Cas asks, "He doesn't?" The smile that spreads across his partner's face is too good to be true and he doesn't believe it, not even when Cas tells him, "You don't have to go in. Lieutenant Harris said to tell you, 'enjoy your weekend.'"

"Gimme the phone, Castiel." Dean smirks at the pout, but the phone is extended to him without question, "Winchester."

"_Dean, sorry about the page. The Watch Commander didn't realize you only just got back to town three hours ago, so disregard. Enjoy your weekend. Take your doctor somewhere nice, that's an order."_

"Yes, Sir!" Dean grins and disconnects the call, tossing both the phone and the pager onto the mattress. He pats the outside of Cas' thigh, "Come on, Dr. Sexy, get up. I'm taking you out for dinner. Harris' orders."

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"Come on, Cas…it'll be fun! I promise!" At Castiel's expression of disbelief, Dean changes tactics. He sticks his bottom lip out and quivers it, even throws in some eyelash fluttering, "_Ple-e-e-easssse_? For me?"

"Ugh…you're pathetic. It' really quite sad…"

"Ba-a-a_-a-be_…." Dean interrupts, voice whiny and undoubtedly annoying as fuck. It's worth it though, because Castiel finally capitulates with a look of disgust and slight trepidation.

"FINE! Okay! I'll do it!"

Dean fist-pumps the air and hisses, "YUSS!" He even throws in a few hip thrusts for emphasis before practically skipping away, "Don't worry, I'll pick a good one!" He can hear Castiel muttering to himself as he starts flipping through the song list.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

Five minutes later and Dean is dragging Castiel up onto the small stage and the other man tries a last ditch effort, "Babe…karaoke? Really, this isn't a good idea. I'm horrible at this." Dean has to admit, Cas does look pretty terrified and he considers letting his partner off the hook, but the four beers he had with dinner over-rule him.

"Baby, _trust_ me! Have I _ever_ let you down? You'll do fine, now here," Dean hands Castiel the mike and points to the screen, "Just read the lyrics and try to have fun, okay?"

The song starts low, slowly rising in volume until it's loud enough to be identified. Dean pumps a fist into the air in time with the now familiar music filtering out through the speakers. He dances closer to his terrified companion and mimes drumming, not caring if he's making a fool of himself; his only concern is relaxing Castiel.

Cas lifts the mike and swallows hard, eyes wide, "Risin' up…back on the street. Did my time…took my chances." Voice slightly flat and monotone, Castiel shakes his head and keeps singing, "Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet…just a man and his will to survive…"

Dean smiles, wrapping his hand around the mike over Cas' fingers and joins in, "So many times, it happens too fast. You trade your passion for glory. Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past. You must fight just to keep them alive."

By the chorus, Castiel is getting into the song, if his smile is any indication. He's even fucking _emoting_ while they sing. Dean takes the mike when Cas indicates he should and laughs when his boyfriend starts air-guitaring, face twisted in mock-concentration.

The audience is singing along and Castiel finally looks relaxed. By the time the final refrain starts, Dean and Cas are dancing like idiots up on the stage, hips rocking side to side and heads whipping back and forth in time with the music. The song ends and both men are laughing so hard they're breathless. The crowd applauds and Dean takes a dramatic bow, pointing at Cas for him to take a bow of his own.

"DUDE! That was _awesome_! Fucking _EPIC!_" Dean can't stop smiling as they hop offstage; he's still riding the endorphin rush of performing. Castiel nods and allows himself to be pulled in for a kiss. "Fuck, I love you." It takes watching the astonished expression for him to realize what he just said. Dean can't believe he just drunkenly blurted his first 'I love you' in a dark Karaoke bar. From the look on Cas' face, neither can he. Taking a deep breath, Dean leans in and whispers, "Let's get out of here."

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"So yea…I'm a dumbass and blurted out my first 'I love you' at a bar. A fucking karaoke bar! I'm such a freak, Sammy."

His brother rolls his eyes and tries to assure him, "Dude, Cas knows you love him. It doesn't matter where you were when you said it. The important thing is that you said it."

"Oh shut up…you're such a girl, I swear."

Sam gives him a trademark Sammy-the-Bitch look and mocks, "I'm the girl? _I'm_ not the one banging a _male_ doctor, Mr. Macho Policeman…oh hey, you're one of the Village People."

"I'm not ba-…shut up, Sammy." Dean frowns and goes back to doing his chin-ups, grunting with the effort from the speed at which he's doing them. He's staring at the wall across from him so he misses the realization sliding across his brother's face.

"Wait…you're not…you guys haven't…_Dean_, it's been almost five _months_! That's like a record for you, Mr. I-Rarely-Wait-Five-Dates. Wow…I'm…"

Dean hisses between clenched teeth, "Shut…up!" He drops down onto the floor and wipes the sweat off his face before correcting, "It's only been four months actually, but yea. It's been so hard-"

Sam smirks and mutters, "I'll bet."

He stares at his brother in shock, horrified when he starts blushing, "Oh Jesus, Sam! Stop already. You're a pig sometimes, you know? Does Jess know you're this curious about gay sex?"

"Trust me, I'm not curious, jerk. Just surprised you've waited this long, is all. You must really love him." Dean watches his brother set the barbell back into its stand and turns to face him, "I'm happy for you, Dean. You deserve someone like Cas. Jeff was nothing but a empty-headed pretty-boy."

Dean squints suspiciously at his brother and finally smiles, "Thanks, Sammy."

The chick-flick moment doesn't last long, however. In the next breath, Sam teasingly asks, "So tell me, which song did the two lovebirds sing?"

"Eye of the Tiger."

Sam's laughter as they head for the showers is enough to make even Dean relax. He excitedly relays the story of the previous night's antics and suddenly, everything is right in the world.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

Dean rushes around trying to get everything perfect. The table is set and there's candles lit, the rest of the apartment lights dimmed. He checks the bottle of wine (again) and tries not to fidget with his tie. His fingers smooth down the blue pinstriped shirt and black slacks nervously. Dinner's made and is currently warming in the oven so there's nothing else for Dean to do but wait. He doesn't even realize that he's humming along with the music coming from the stereo. The sound of a key in the door makes his tension skyrocket.

The door opens and Dean is standing right there when Castiel walks in with a look of utter exhaustion on his face. He takes the messenger bag from his boyfriend and leans to kiss his lips, "Welcome home."

Castiel only mumbles grouchily until he moves around Dean's body and sees the state of the apartment, freezing instantly. The doctor turns, eyes softening, "Oh, Dean…you made dinner?"

He nods and takes Castiel's hand, guiding him to the candle-lit table. "Happy six month anniversary, baby. Although, I guess it should technically be 'month-iversary' if you thi-"

"Oh shut up, Dean." Cas twists a hand in his tie and pulls him closer, lips hovering above his mouth teasingly. "I wasn't sure if you'd remember." Dean smiles and moans softly at the flick of Castiel's tongue over his bottom lip.

His voice is breathy as he answers, "Of course I remembered." Dean's quickly losing track of the conversation, because Castiel's free hand is rubbing the front of his slacks and quite honestly, it's wreaking havoc on his cock…brain! "I wanted to make it special."

"_You_ make every day special, Dean. I don't need candles or music or wine...hell, I don't even need a fancy dinner." The rumble of his stomach quickly belies his statement and he amends, "Okay well, dinner would be nice. Are you going to feed me, Dean?"

Dean smiles and presses a kiss on those smirking lips, "If you want me to, I'll even cut up your food for you." Cas hums, the sound pleased and Dean can't help but laugh, "Get comfortable, I'll go grab the plates so we can eat."

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"Dinner was amazing, Dean. Thank you." Castiel smiles at him and stands, coming around the dinner table towards him. Dean pushes his chair back and is about to stand when Cas shakes his head, holding him in place with a hand on his shoulder. Dean mouths 'you're welcome' and chuckles when Cas straddles his lap. His boyfriend cups his face and kisses him; soft teasing kisses that leave Dean wanting more. He has both his arms wrapped around Castiel when the man lifts his head to speak, "I didn't get you a gift."

Dean shakes his head and assures him, "I don't need a gift, baby…I already have you."

"Mmmm…smooth-talker." At Dean's tiny shrug, Cas leans to press a kiss below his ear, whispering softly, "I do have something I can give you, though."

"Yea?" Dean gives him his best lecherous grin, "What's that?"

Castiel blushes and stands up, backing up towards the bedroom. Dean watches as Cas tugs the scrub top up over his head and tosses it aside. He's speechless. He wants to follow, honestly he does, but Cas is in the process of pulling his undershirt off and Dean can't stop looking. His mouth goes dry at the sight of Castiel's naked chest. It's very rare that Cas allows Dean to see him shirtless, even after all this time, so it's a welcome treat. He startles slightly when Castiel speaks, voice gravely deep, "Come to bed."

Dean is up and pursuing Cas down the hall before the other man can finish the statement. The smile his partner gives him is chockfull of innuendo, his laugh throaty and promising nasty things. When he reaches for him, Cas backs up further and shakes a finger at him. A few more steps and they're in the bedroom. Dean swallows hard, unable to tear his gaze away as Castiel unties the scrub bottoms before pushing them (and the underwear) to the floor. "Cas, we don't have to."

He's silenced with a single finger on his lips, "I want to, Dean. You have no idea how much I want this. I have this amazingly hot boyfriend who is patient and loving and did I mention hot?" Dean presses a playful kiss to the finger covering his lips and gets an air-kiss in response. "You joke that I ogle you, but Dean…I can't get enough of you. I love going down on you…the feel of you in my mouth…God, it's addicting. I wish I could kiss…lick…taste…suck…and bite every single inch of your skin. But do you know what I want most of all?"

Castiel's fingers have been busy while he spoke and Dean is now tie-less, with his shirt unbuttoned and half off his shoulders. He allows Cas to push the shirt all the way off and whispers, "What's that, baby?"

Slender fingers are unfastening his slacks and slowly easing them off his hips, "I want to feel you pressing into me. I want to watch your face as you thrust harder the closer you get to cumming."

Dean is standing there in all his naked glory, cock bobbing obscenely between them when he grabs Castiel's face and silences him with a bruising kiss. A groan lodges in Dean's throat when fingers begin stroking his throbbing flesh. His lover knows just what drives him insane and soon he's thrusting his hips, fucking Castiel's fist, breathlessly moaning into the curve of the other man's neck. There's a swipe of thumb over his leaking tip and Dean's knees nearly buckle to spill him on the floor. Cas chuckles and repeats the thumb swipe, fist twisting over the head with each upstroke. Dean's shaking with barely contained lust and Cas is making these wonderful noises, but he stops and lifts his head, "Are you sure?"

"I'm not sure I'll be able to finish without triggering…but I want to try, Dean."

He nods and whispers, "I'll be gentle, baby, I promise and if you need to stop, we will."

Castiel smiles up at him and nods, pulling him onto the bed with him, "I know you will, love…I trust you." Dean takes his lips in a kiss and laughs against the other man's mouth when he purrs, "No more talking, please."

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

Dean smiles against Cas' skin, lips dragging over the sharp lines of his hips, tongue dragging over and around his navel, "Dean…_please_!" Castiel's body is writhing beneath him, skin flushed, "Stop being a cock-tease, love…I need…" the rest of Cas' statement goes unspoken. Dean chooses that exact moment to wrap his hand at the root of Castiel's erection and takes him into his mouth, cheeks hollowing out as he sucks.

Carefully he bobs his head up and down, lips tight, savoring that first taste. He lifts his gaze and eases his mouth up and off of, tongue lapping at Castiel's balls, then further back. Cas' hands are clenched in the bedcovers and Dean smiles when both thighs spread wider, giving him further access. He probes his tongue gently and urges, "Roll over, baby."

Castiel lifts his head heavily and obeys, face pressing into the pillow, "You don't have to do that, love." Dean shushes him with a kiss to the swell of his ass, hands kneading the flesh gently, assuring him that he _wants_ to. The first swipe of his tongue drags a happy moan from Cas but when he starts licking along his spine, Dean feels him stiffen underneath him, mumbling a heartbreaking, "My scars."

"Shhh…trust me, baby."

He smiles at the soft, "I do," and presses a kiss to the first scar over the small of Castiel's back, tongue tracing it and the one beside it. At the hitch of breath, he mouths over the next few scars, hand caressing up and down Cas' back. It's slow going but he graces each faint line with a gentle kiss, ending with one between both shoulder blades. Dean nuzzles against Castiel's neck and is rewarded with the doctor turns to offer his mouth up for a kiss. "I love you."

"Mmm…I love you too, baby."

Cas presses his face into the pillow, trying to hide his blush and Dean chuckles, kissing down each vertebra until the man is a squirming mass of flesh beneath him. _"Dean!"_

Dean pushes up and crawls over him, hand pulling the top drawer of the nightstand open. Castiel wiggles his ass at the unmistakable _snick_ of the lube bottle being flicked open. He slicks his fingers up and teases between the pale globes of his lover's ass, enjoying the sight of Cas bowing up into his touch. With an index finger rubbing over his entrance, the other man's breath falters and Dean quietly asks, "Need me to stop?"

"Fuck, no! Keep going!" A startled laugh bursts free of his lips and with a twist of a wrist, presses the tip of one finger into Castiel. Hips instantly tilt up and press into the intrusion, "More, please…" Dean eases his finger deeper and slowly withdraws it, licking his lips when those gorgeous hips thrust backwards, "Dean, don't stop."

"Not gonna stop, believe me." Dean slowly works his lover open, one finger becomes two and soon Castiel is on his knees with his elbows bracing him on the mattress. "You're doing so good, baby…you have no idea how hot you look right now, with my fingers inside you. Fuck!"

A strangled, "More," reaches his ears and Dean is more than eager to comply. Castiel's ass is arched up, a testament to the amount of trust he has in him. "I can take more fingers, Dean…don't worry, I'm mor-"

Cas stops talking when three fingers are shoved into him, curling to drag over his prostate, "Like that? That what you wanted?" Castiel nods jerkily. Dean's erection is smearing precum on the backs of his lover's thighs and still he waits, patiently fingering that expectant hole. "More?"

Castiel pushes up onto all fours and then his knees, reaching behind him to wrap an arm around his neck, "I want more than your fingers, Dean." Cas' eyes are hooded and there's a sexy smirk on his lips when he teases, "I'd really appreciate it if you'd fuck me now."

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

Dean smiles, kissing his beautifully wounded man and vows, "It's never too late to ask me to stop. No matter how far we go." Cas is on his back, smiling up at him, both legs bent and splayed wide. At Dean's pronouncement, his hips lift and one of his hands reaches down beneath their bodies to guide Dean to his entrance. Castiel's body shifts and with a groan, Dean is welcomed inside. His forehead drops forward when one of Cas' legs lifts to wrap around his hip, the motion pulling Dean deeper. "Fuck, Cas…"

"Mmm hmm…that _is_ the general idea, love." Dean breathlessly chuckles and shifts his hips back, green eyes locking with blue as he slides home. "Oh, fuck me! Again…please, love, again...oh, sweet Mary, yes!" Dean's thrusting gently, one hand curled under Castiel's ass when he's implored, "Shit…yes…just like that."

And who knew? Cas is a talker in bed. The utter filth that is spilling from his lips is a huge turn on and Dean has to remind himself to take it slow, no matter how eager he is to ram forcefully into his lover. He watches as Castiel jerks off between their bodies, alternating thrusts into his own fist and then back against Dean's cock.

It's not long before their bodies are slicked with sweat and Dean is clenching to keep from cumming, eyes squeezed tightly shut. His breathing is ragged and he's definitely not prepared for the feel of Cas' body tightening around him when he suddenly cums with a shout. Castiel's body arcs up with a hoarse cry and dammit if Dean doesn't give into the urge to thrust harder, fucking deeper in an effort to join his lover. Cas wraps both legs around Dean's waist and rocks his hips against each of his thrusts. It doesn't take much for his body to tense and shove deep at that first pulse of his cock, "MOTHERFU-ahhh!' His lips press together as he finally gets what he's been waiting six months for…the blessed feeling of emptying into the man he loves.


	12. We All Have Our Demons

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, **Mentions of Suicide**

**AN:** Quote is from Jason Mraz's I Won't Give Up

**Chapter Notes: Please note the amended warnings above**

****Please be advised****

******This chapter includes mentions of suicide that could be difficult for some.  
Please read with caution.**  


* * *

**Chapter 12 - We All Have Our Demons**

"_When I look into your eyes_

_It's like watching the night sky or a beautiful sunrise_

_There's so much they hold_

_And just like them old stars, I see that you've come so far_

_To be right where you are"_

"How do you feel?" Dean is running his fingers through the hair at the back of Castiel's head, voice still sex-deep and throaty. Cas is resting with his right cheek and most of his upper body draped over Dean's chest.

A muffled, "sore," is the sleepy response he gets and Dean swallows hard: thick and painful. He's still trying to formulate some kind of response when Castiel speaks, "but _good_ sore. You know, that 'you've been fucked _oh so good' _sore…and I was." His lover pauses to look up, eyes still hooded, lips kiss-swollen and says with a happy little moan, "You fucked me good and proper."

"Uh…I…uhh-huh-umm…"

He can't speak. Post-coital Cas is apparently Boss of Pillow Talk, because Dean is speechless. He's at a loss and it's blatantly obvious, he supposes, because Castiel chuckles, "Oh look at you…all self-conscious. As if you didn't know you had 'mad skills' in the dicking department."

"Cas!" Dean finally finds his voice, "I can't believe you used the word 'dicking' to refer to what we just did."

The other man laughs, the sound velvet-edged and luxurious, "Honey, I could call it any number of things." Dean squirms as Castiel moves to straddle his thighs, hips rocking back and forth gently while he speaks, fingertips trailing absent designs over his naked chest, "Fucking…boning…dicking...no matter what I call it, it doesn't change the fact that deep down, I know what it really was…" Cas puts both hands flat over the center of Dean's chest, directly over his heart, before leaning in to whisper, "…making love."

Dean lifts his head up off the pillow and gives Castiel a light kiss, whispering back, "You have such a filthy mouth, Novak."

"Mmmm…admit it…you love my filthy mouth. You enjoy knowing that I'm comfortable enough to say the things I do. Like now…even as shocked as you are, I can feel how much you enjoy it." As if proving a point, Cas traces a finger along the underside of Dean's rapidly filling erection. "It gets you off that you can turn your 'prissy doctor' into a 'sex-crazed heathen.' Admit it."

He grabs both of Cas' wrists because that finger is still grazing over his dick and Dean's finding it difficult to concentrate. "I umm…well yea, I love that you're that comfortable with me. I just don't want you to think that you _need_ to say stuff like that. I don't _need_ to hear it. Do I like it? Oh _hells_ yea. A million times yes, but I want you to be you…not who you think I want you to be."

Castiel stares at him for so long, Dean things he's said either said or done something wrong. He releases both wrists and is about to start backtracking when Cas leans to kiss him, quick and hard, murmuring, "Maybe this is just how dirty I am. Ever think of that?"

Dean can't help the stunned look that undoubtedly settles over his face, "I…no. Honestly, I hadn't." He lets the idea marinate in his head and finally reaches up to trace his fingertips over the other man's lips. It's hard to believe. The thought that maybe straight-laced Dr. Castiel Novak really _is_ a genuinely sexual creature is hard to reconcile with the persona he's known thus far.

"Don't overthink it, Dean." The severity of the statement is lessened by the smile that comes with it, "I can feel you overanalyzing. Trust me when I say that this is who I am, no filter. Honest. You've been amazingly patient with me and I...I'm ready to just be _ME_ again. For five years, all I could be was what someone else wanted." Castiel stretches forward and Dean hugs him tightly against his chest, lips pressing a series of quick kisses to his hair.

"I love you so much." Dean's surprised his voice cracks, forcing him to pause before saying, "I hate thinking that I might hurt you. I couldn't handle it…causing…I couldn't take it if something I did made you trigger. It's _why_ I overthink. I jus-"

He stops talking when Cas whispers, "I know…and it will get better. At least…that's what Anna says. I have to believe that. Until then…you're doing everything right, Dean. So trust that if I say dirty shit it's because I want to." Dean lightly slaps a hand on Castiel's ass. He's more than a little amazed the action garners a tiny moan. Cas rolls his hips and Dean's own twitch in response. "Promise me something, Love."

"Anything, baby."

"Don't hold back. We won't know what I can and can't do…unless we _try_. And believe me when I say there's a LOT of things I've been dying to do with and TO you."

Dean grins and lightly scratches up the sides of Castiel's back, nails barely grazing the skin. Cas licks his lips and Dean's fascinated with the way those gorgeous blue eyes drift shut. "Oh yea?" The only reply he gets is a short nod and a small hitch of breath as he shifts his fingertips to scratch over each of Cas' hips. "Like what?" Dean sits up and nips at the pale skin of Castiel's chest, hands splayed over the small of his lover's back, holding him in place as he gets comfortable.

"Just…stuff."

The response is breathy and lust-choked. It makes Dean pull Cas in closer, their bodies slotting together perfectly, "Tell me." He knows it's unfair to lick and suck on the curve of Castiel's neck while he asks, because it's the man's weakness but Dean can't seem to give a flying fuck right now. "Give me an example…and I'll do it."

Castiel tilts his head, granting him further access to that pale neck and shyly whispers, "Pull my hair."

Dean quirks a brow that Cas doesn't see, because his eyes are closed and reaches up. His fingers clench into a fist and then tug gently, "Like that?" Castiel fucking _whimpers_ and Dean tugs harder, feeling the full-body shudder that goes through him in response. He doesn't even need an answer. Dean looks at Cas' face; it's lax, lips parted blissfully. "My prissy doctor likes hair pulling? Good to know."

The curl of Castiel's lips is full of naughty promise and the voice, _oh GOD the voice_, "There's a lot you don't know about me, Dean."

"Fuck, baby."

Castiel licks his lips again, this time never breaking eye contact and Dean swears he can feel that tongue on his cock. "Okay." The single word leaves him at a loss, but before he can ask, Cas is shifting to grab the lube, eyes never leaving his. Dean watches him pour some into the palm of his hand and groans. The hand disappears behind Cas' back and Dean can't look away; he's mesmerized with the twist of Castiel's face as the other man preps himself.

Dean presses a kiss to Cas' lips and he's kissed back with hungry anticipation, "You having fun, baby?"

"Mmm…I will be. Gimme a second and I'll rock your world, Winchester."

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"Oh fuck, Cas…right…just...oh shit…babyplease…don't…_youdarefuckingstop_."

Castiel laughs, the sound raking over his ear before promising, "Not stopping anytime soon, Love." Dean's barely coherent, his arms are wrapped tightly around his partner, both hands low on Cas' hips while he gets ridden hard and fast. "You feel so fucking good. I want to look in your eyes when you cum." His head falls back, a gasped moan spilling out of him. Castiel is grinding his hips back and forth; barely moving but it feels…So. Mother. Fucking. Good. A hand grips his face and Cas is hissing against his lips, "I said look at me when you cum, dammit." Dean forces both eyes open, swallowing a scream because Castiel shifts his hips just so…

He doesn't have time to warn him, the orgasm flares out of nowhere and his world is shattering into a million different pieces. Cas is cradling his face, smiling softly. Dean's chest heaving is heaving with effort, the pulsing of his dick almost painful in it's intensity. Castiel rolls his hips in a circle and Dean swears he blacks out. It feels that good.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"You alive, handsome?" Dean burrows further into the curve of Castiel's neck and mumbles unintelligibly. They're still sitting upright on the center of the mattress, with Cas' legs wrapped around his waist. "Awwww…did I break my copper?"

Dean snorts, "No. You didn't. I'm just enjoying the afterglow." Cas snickers and he quickly adds, "and if you ever tell anyone I said that, I'll deny it."

"Of course you will. My big strong policeman isn't a softy. He's very macho and tough and masculine and…"

"Oh, shut up, Cas." The sternness of Dean's words is tempered but the kiss he bestows on the other man's lips. Castiel swallows a laugh, sucking on his bottom lip briefly before getting up. Dean watches the other man cross the room, completely nude, and disappear into the bathroom. He hears the hiss of water and then the sound of the shower curtain being pulled shut. It's a few minutes before he sits up and makes his way into the doorway, watching the shadow of Cas' body thru the opaque curtain.

"You can join me if you want, Dean. I won't bite." There's a pause and then, "unless you ask me to."

He chokes out a laugh and pushes away from the doorjamb, peering around the shower curtain, "I wasn't sure if you needed space to you know…wash away the-"

"Dean, get in here. I'm washing away the work funk. It was a long day…and I just needed the feel of hot water on my skin. That's all." Castiel gives him a smile and holds the washcloth out towards him, "Wash my back?"

"If you're sure…"

"Get in here or I'm never giving you a blow-job again. Ever."

That's all it takes. Dean slips into the shower, taking the washcloth from Cas' hand. He slides it over the planes of his boyfriend's slick back, scrubbing gently. Castiel has a hand braced on the shower wall, his head bowed as Dean works. There's a contented noise coming from the man, one that intensifies with each pass of the soapy towel. "Are you purring?"

A small, almost silent chuckle precedes the next words out of Cas' mouth, "Maybe. I've always loved this." Dean smiles, washing both hips and then soaping over the swell of his ass. "It seems more intimate somehow." A small gasping moan fills the small space when Dean's fingers ease between the globes of Castiel's ass, gentle, yet thorough. Cas turns carefully and Dean's rewarded with a brief kiss to his damp shoulder. "My turn?"

"I can do it. You don't have to-"

He's silenced with a tentative, "I want to, Dean. Let me, please?"

"Yeah, ok, Cas." Dean hands the washcloth to him and turns, bracing both forearms on the tiled wall. He's not prepared for the light kiss between his shoulder blades, though.

"Relax," Castiel's voice is gently scolding, "you got to map out _my_ scars…it's only fair, right?" Dean grunts an affirmative. The washcloth moves up his spine towards his shoulders, washing first the right then left. "I hadn't realized you had so many. What's this one from?" The pad of Cas' thumb traces over the jagged scar on his left shoulder.

"Car accident as a teenager. I uhh…Sammy and I were driving around with our dad and we got T-boned by a semi. It was…" Dean scoffs and shakes his head. "They told me later that I had a piece of metal jutting out of my back…like a freaking wing or some shit."

The washcloth moves down his left side and over his hip, fingertips lightly scratching his soapy skin. "That's why you do all the shoulder exercises at the gym…to keep your mobility." Dean doesn't answer, because Cas isn't asking, he's merely talking aloud, almost to himself. Fingers drag over the curved scar on his right flank before soaping from that hip up his side, "And this one? It looks like a knife wound."

Dean nods, "It's from a bar fight in college. A guy was hitting on this girl I knew and when I intervened…let's just say he was drunk and a chicken-shit. Fucker waited until after I was in the parking lot before pulling the knife. Luckily he wasn't very stealthy, heard him when he came up and moved just as he…_shhhhwick_." Dean makes a slashing motion with his hand then turns to face Castiel, right hand up, palm out, "That's also where I got this from. I uh…tried wrestling him for the knife."

Cas graces the palm of his hand with a kiss, "My big strong policeman. Always been saving people, haven't you?" Dean shrugs. Castiel smirks and teases, "I bet you got the gunshot on your leg during a heroic rescue."

A wry laugh bubbles up, both eyes pressing shut, "Don't I wish." Dean can't keep the tears from welling up in his eyes. The memory still hurts, even after all this time. His bottom lip is quivering faintly and Dean has to clear his throat twice before he can force out the words, "I…uh…I didn't save anyone that day." Castiel's hands are cupping his face, thumbs rubbing his cheeks soothingly, "My friend…he uh…he shot himself. In front of me. The bullet wound is from…" Dean takes a deep breath and swallows hard, "After he pulled the trigger, the gun went off again, once he hit the floor."

Castiel shushes him with a chaste kiss, "I'm sorry I asked."

Dean shakes his head, "Relationships are based on honesty, right?" Cas nods, simply holding him as he speaks, "My best friend offed himself because when he told me he was in love with me…I laughed in his face. I was a total douche-bag." The breath Dean takes in wheezes painfully, "It's my fault he's dead. He…" his voice trails off, unable to finish.

"Shh, baby…it wasn't your fault. Come on, let's get you rinsed off and back to bed, okay?" Dean sniffs noisily and nods, jaw clenched against the sob threatening to break free. Castiel pulls him under the spray, hands gently smoothing the suds off his body, not speaking a word as he does. It's strange. Having Cas take care of him is bizarre and Dean can't help the ripple of laughter. Castiel looks up from shutting off the water and just watches him, eyes wary.

"I'm okay, Cas. Really." Dean's proud of how smooth his voice sounds. He even manages a smile, a fake one, but a smile nonetheless. Castiel steps out of the shower and hands him a towel before turning to dry off. Dean is glad he doesn't hover. The other man just kisses his cheek and heads back into the bedroom.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"Sorry I ruined the mood, Dean. It wasn't my intention."

They're spooning in the bed, Dean's back flush against Castiel's chest. It's almost four am and Dean is just staring at the wall across from the bed. His tears have long since dried, but Cas is still holding him tight. Dean hadn't even been sure Castiel was still awake until the other man spoke. Neither of them has said anything in almost two hours. "He died in my arms you know." Dean feels the arms around him tighten, "The last thing he said before he died…was my name."

"Dean…stop. It's not your fault. You need to…look at me." Dean reluctantly rolls over to face Castiel. "You need to realize that some people are just broken…nothing can help them, not even love. Beating yourself up about it is pointless. It won't bring him back." He opens his mouth to retort angrily, but Cas silences him with a kiss. The gesture is sweet and full of promise, "We all have our pasts…but its what we do with the present and the future that matters, love. You've done so much good since then, don't let one bad occurrence overshadow that."

Dean feels his shoulders shake with a weary laugh, "You're too good for me, doc."

Castiel shoves his shoulder playfully, "You got that right, copper." The nickname makes Dean smile, a real one this time. "There's that smile. I ever tell you that's what got my attention the night we met?"

"Whatever. You were too busy texting to even notice me."

Cas laughs, nose crinkling, "I was texting Anna _about_ the hot guy with freckles at the bar." His boyfriend inches closer on the mattress, one leg coming up to curl around his hip, effectively holding him in place.

Dean tries to fight the embarrassed smile, but fails. "You so _weren't_, liar. Nice try, but no. You were all about the crazy texting." He mimes Castiel's thumbing over the screen of his phone.

"Oh yea? Want proof?" Dean quirks a disbelieving brow, lips pursed in doubt. Castiel's voice is haughty, "I'll show you." Dean watches him roll over and slip from the bed, heading out of the bedroom and down the hall. It's less than five minute before Cas is back, cell phone in hand. His face is lit up from the tiny screen and Dean reaches out, hooking his fingers into the waistband of Castiel's pajama pants, tugging him closer. "Ha…see? Read it and weep, cynic."

**Message from: Anna Received: 2012**

**Where's my driiiiink, Cassss?**

**Message to: Anna Sent: 2013**

**Still waiting. I'm obviously invisible.**

**Message to: Anna Sent: 2013**

** least there's i-candy**

**Message from: Anna Received: 2014**

**Deets**

**Message to: Anna Sent: 2014**

**G8 :-) freckles, ass that won't quit & dsl**

**Message from: Anna Received: 2014**

**^.^ **

**Message to: Anna Sent: 2015**

**str8 4 sure**

Dean stares at the screen and then looks up, asking incredulously. "You saved the texts from that night?" Castiel nods and climbs back into bed. "I'm eye candy?"

Cas rolls his eyes at the question, "Yes, Mr. Ego. Don't act like you don't know you're hot shit."

"I…hey, wait a minute…you mentioned my ass and dick sucking lips." Dean tries to look indignant.

Castiel interrupts, "but if you read back, I mentioned your smile _first_!"

Dean is still speaking, their voices overlapping, "AND…you thought I was straight. _Someone's_ Gay-dar needs fine-tuning. Big time."

"Nope." Cas shakes his head and slides right up into Dean's personal space, lips hovering over his, "I have the one I want." It's a long time before Dean can speak, because Castiel is kissing him like he's the only thing in his world.

* * *

**AN 2: Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to leave reviews! I greatly appreciate the feedback! ****~Anna**


	13. You Promised Me Heaven

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide

**AN:** Chapter title is from Bon Jovi's song You Give Love A Bad Name

* * *

**Chapter 13 - You Promised Me Heaven Then Put Me Through Hell**

"Boo-yah!" Jo throws her hands up in victory and spins on the balls of her feet, pointing both index fingers at Sam, "Beat _that_, motherfucker!" Dean high fives her when she returns to her seat, laughing at the expression on his brother's face. Fucking priceless.

"Boo-yah?" Sam's voice is bewildered, "Seriously, _who_ are you?"

Jo stands up and gets in his brother's face, "I'm the breasted half of the team that is currently _kicking your ASS_, Baby Winnie." Dean nearly chokes on a mouthful of beer. He's doubled over, mouth open in almost silent, wheezing laughter. When he looks up Jo is doing her best 'Rosie the Riveter' impersonation and trying to intimidate his gigantor brother.

Sam turns to stare at him, eyebrows furrowed, voice slightly stupefied, "Baby Winnie? Seriously, Dean…where did you get this _freak_?"

"Freak?! You're one to talk, Sam-squatch! What are you…like…thirteen feet tall?" Jo throws in a snarl and bounces up onto her toes, squinting at him menacingly.

Jess laughs, head tossing back and Sam turns to just stare at his girlfriend in shock. The blonde just looks at him innocently, grinning, "What? Babe, I like her. She's funny!"

The four of them are the local bowling alley, halfway through their fourth frame. To say Sam and Jo's first meeting was remarkable is an understatement. Dean had invited the petite blonde when he found out that Cas was on call and couldn't make it. His brother had made the mistake of scoffing when he's seen Dean's bowling partner and since then, in Jo's words, it's been 'on like Donkey Kong.'

Dean admits that since meeting Castiel, he has neglected his friends to a certain extent. He's only spent time with Jo while at work and even then it's brief snatches of time. He hadn't realized how much he's missed her until today. The reaction when Dean had asked if she wanted to be his bowling partner was pure unadulterated glee.

He's really enjoying the immediate mock-rivalry that developed between his brother and his best friend. It's entertaining as hell and Dean looks up when Jess sits down next to him, "She's a firecracker. Sam doesn't have a chance does he?"

Dean shakes his head, lifting his beer bottle to his lips. "Nope. Once Jo-Beth picks a fight, it's to the death. She's like a terrier with a bone." Jess grins and clinks her beer bottle against his before taking a drink. "Uh oh…busted."

"Winchester! Don't consort with the enemy!" Jo's looking at them and he makes a show of moving away from Jess like she has the plague. Jessica giggles under her breath, blowing the other blonde a raspberry as Dean moves away. His friend narrows her gaze and Dean rushes over to hoist her up over his shoulder, slapping her ass playfully before setting her back down. "Ow! You bully! Keep your kink in the bedroom, Freckles!"

The next few frames pass quickly and everyone (_especially_ Dean) is amazed by Jo's freakish accuracy. He's really enjoying himself. The beer has him nice and relaxed and the company is amazing. Dean stands up, grabbing the empty beer bucket from the table, rattling it gently before asking, "Anyone want something besides beer?" The ladies both request Margaritas and Dean nods, turning to head for the bar. Friday night is 'Half-Price Beer Bucket' so the trip takes a little maneuvering to complete. Once there he sets the bucket on the counter and smiles at the bartender, "I'll take a refill and a pitcher of Margaritas, please."

She takes the bucket and winks, "Sure thing, hot stuff."

Dean chuckles and pulls the cell phone out of his pocket, checking for new messages. It's hardly surprising when there aren't any. The weekend is one of the busier times in the emergency department. He sighs and slips the phone back into the rear pocket of his jeans.

"Well aren't you absolutely delicious." Dean turns towards the voice, brow arched. The guy's tall and blonde, a cocky smirk curling his lips, "Whoever disappointed you should be shot, gorgeous. If you were mine I wouldn't let you out of my sight."

Dean can't help it, he laughs. Admittedly, Mr. Tall and Blonde is attractive, but the guy is so self-assured it's sickening. Dean has never gone for guys like that. "Does that shit ever work?"

The guy ponders for a second then asks, a shit-eating grin lifting his lips, "Well, you're talking to me, aren't you?"

A genuine one-sided smile curls Dean's lips and he blinks slowly, brows lifting up into his hairline, "Touche." The bartender chooses that moment to return with his order and Dean picks up the bucket, holding four fingers up when she asks how many glasses he wants. "Add it to the tab, Ava." She nods and blows him a playful air-kiss, "Thanks, doll."

Dean retrieves the cups and pitcher from the bar, turning away from Mr. Tall and Blonde without another thought. He should have known better, "So…you going to tell me your name or should I just keep calling you Delicious?"

"Look, I'm not interested. I'm here with someone."

"Find your own beefcake, Blondie!" Jo comes up behind Dean, wrapping a jealous arm around his waist and he's never been happier to see her. She turns her face up and whispers with a smile, "Hey, baby. I missed you," before pulling him down for a full on, tonsil jarring kiss. When she breaks the kiss, the guy is gone. She smirks and slaps his ass, "You looked like you needed help. No need to thank me."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

The unmistakable smell of coffee rouses Dean. He rolls over, squinting at the alarm clock on the nightstand. Rubbing a hand over his face, he sits up, the comforter pooling in his lap. It's a little after eight in the morning and Dean has a hangover. He stretches both arms up over his head and yawns, the gesture ending with both arms at his sides. His left hand lands on a warm body. Dean freezes. His hand landed on a warm, _naked_ body. In bed. With him. He turns and his stomach drops. Sitting up has not only pooled the covers in his lap, but also bared half of the person in bed with him. Dean instantly recognizes the distinctive full back angel wings tattoo. Jo. Why…_the hell is there a naked Jo in his bed?! _

The blonde rolls towards him and Dean panics. He literally slides off the side of the bed and onto the hard floor, his feet and legs still tangled in the bedcovers. Jo sits up; startled and just when things couldn't get any worse, the bedroom door opens. They both turn and watch as Castiel walks in, carrying a breakfast tray with a huge smile on his face. The blue-eyed man stops in the doorway, smile faltering as he takes in the scene. Dean watches in horror as the tray slips Cas' hands and crashes to the floor.

"Cas, wait! I can…" Dean trips, disentangling himself from the covers with a growl. He turns to hiss at Jo, "Put on some clothes," before racing out after Castiel. Dean's pulling the front door open when he realizes he's still wearing the jeans from the night before. _Good sign. _Castiel is almost to the second floor and Dean rushes down the staircase after him. "Cas…bab-"

Castiel doesn't stop, he doesn't even slow down, just calls back over his shoulder, "Don't 'baby' me, you…you…you _bastard_!" Dean hears the lobby door open, reaching the first floor just in time to catch sight of Cas stalking through the courtyard towards the parking lot. Dean follows him out, breaking into a run to catch up. It doesn't matter that it's fifty degrees outside or that he's shirtless and barefoot, all that matters is catching Castiel before he reaches his car.

He catches up to him in the parking lot and Dean curls his hand on the inside of Cas' elbow, pleading, "Castiel. Stop. Please." He's breathless, panting from the exertion and isn't sure what he was expecting now that he finally caught up with the doctor. It definitely _not_ what he gets. Cas spins around and slaps him. Hard. Dean reels in shock, mouth dropping open in a gasp, "Cas…"

"Don't. Just…don't. Whatever _excuse_ you have…I can do without hearing it." Castiel tries to pull out of his grasp, but Dean's hand only tightens, holding fast. Cas makes a point to look at where Dean's fingers are wrapped around his arm. "You'd do well to release me. Now."

"Cas, please, baby…" Dean feels the tears well up in his eyes, unable to stop them. He's _pretty_ sure he and Jo didn't have sex. "Just talk to me, please."

Castiel's face is hard, jaw clenched tight as he repeats, voice monotone, "I said let me go. Don't make me ask you again." Dean takes a breath and slowly releases his grip, whispering an apology. "It would have been fine, you know…if you'd asked. I'd have been okay with an open relationship, Dean. I'm really quite liberal, but the fact that you…"

"Baby, I di-"

"Shut. Up." Cas holds up a finger, eyes flicking over him in abject disgust, "_I'm_ the one talking. Not you. You stand there and listen, pretty boy whore." Dean staggers back a step at the vehemence in Castiel's tone. "I should have known you were too good to be true. Mr. Perfect," Cas sneers, "Yeah, right. You're a far cry from perfection. Was it all a lie?" Dean shakes his head and reaches for Castiel once more, the other man backing up a step, "What? You lost interest now that you know what it's like to be inside me? Is that all I was to you? A fucking conquest?" The elder Winchester shakes his head again, bottom lip trembling as he struggles to keep the tears at bay.

Dean can only stare, his eyes widening further at Castiel's next barb, "Let's see how long it takes to get the broken little doctor to give it up…is that it?" Fat, hot tears spill down Dean's face and still he says nothing while Castiel rants at him. He's terrifying in his anger, his righteous indignation, blue eyes blazing with every word. Castiel takes a step closer and Dean backs away, flinching when the other man hisses, "Thank you for fixing my broken libido, asshole. I'll be sure to tell the next guy where he can send the thank you note."

The sob he's been holding back spills free and with it a stream of nearly incoherent babbling, "Cas, please. I…we…nothing happened. We went bowling and had too much to drink. Jo lost her keys somewhere and I told her to just stay here. Honest." The look Castiel levels on him is disbelieving at best.

"He's telling you the truth, Castiel. Nothing happened. I'm Purely Pussy and 'pretty boy' here is Strictly Dickly. Girl Scouts' honor." Dean turns and Jo is standing on the curb, holding up three fingers.

"Like you'd say any different. It behooves you to-"

"Listen here, you self-righteous little prick." Jo glares into Castiel's face and shoves a hand in the center of his chest. The dark-haired man stumbles back a step, but Jo's still advancing on him, "This guy here?" She pauses in her rant to turn and point at Dean, "He's head over heels in love with you, you sanctimonious little queen. He'd _never_ do anything to hurt you. He's put up with a LOT of shit from you…been so fucking patient and for what? For you to just give up at the first speed bump? He deserves better than you, but he loves you."

Jo curls her lip, the picture of hatred, "Did you know that he's gotten his ass beat by a few of his coworkers? They tried to beat the gay out of him…for the 'betterment of the department.' For being a 'homo freak' who 'gets off' on fucking 'broken doctors.' Oh…" Dean winces when his friend laughs, the sound so brutally cruel, "I can see by the look on your face that you didn't. Well congratulations, Dr. Jackass, you just screwed up the best thing you had in your life."

Jo stoops to pick up Castiel's keys from the sidewalk, carefully working the key to Dean's apartment off the key ring, "You won't be needing this anymore." Her words are clipped and Dean can tell she's barely holding it together. "Come on, Dean. Let's go back inside before you catch a cold." His friend is holding a hand out towards him and Dean reaches out to take it, swallowing when her fingers tighten around his. Cas makes to step towards him and Jo gets between them, "Pack it up, doc. Get out of here before this gets any worse. Just remember that you're not the only one with baggage that hurts, asshole. Now go fetch." Jo turns and pitches Castiel's keys into the courtyard's fountain.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Jo's holding him while he cries, his face pressed into her chest, "We didn't…did we? I didn't lie to him, did I?" They're curled up on his couch, wrapped in a couple of blankets.

"No, baby…you didn't lie. All we did was sleep. I promise." Her hands are smoothing over his hair, her voice as soothing as her touch. "He had no right to say those things to you. It was heartless and cruel. I'm sorry he assumed the worst."

Dean sputters, face wrecked, "I could call him and explain. He's had time to calm down. H-h-he'd listen now, right? I mean, he's got to know I would never-"

"Oh, baby…no. You aren't the one that needs to apologize. He's the one that flew off the handle. The things he said to you…" Jo wipes at his face, fingers gentle over his cheeks, "…you didn't deserve that. No one does."

"But…" he takes a choked breath, "I love him." Jo's face twists, her lips pressing together while he falls apart, "I can't live without him, Jo. He's my whole world. I…I…" a pitiful sound escapes him and Dean's suddenly wrapped in her arms again.

"Shhh, sweetie…it's okay." A soothing hand rubs over his back, comforting circles along his spine, "You'll get through this. I promise."

She gives him a smile and Dean sits back, rubbing a hand over his nose. His eyes are red and swollen, his head is throbbing and life, in general, sucks. He looks over at his cell phone, hand practically itching to reach for it and call Castiel. "It's worse than Jeff," Dean whispers and elaborates when Jo's brow furrows in confusion. "The pain…it's worse than when Jeff and I broke up." Dean laughs wryly, "That time, I'm the one who walked in and saw the man I loved in bed with someone else."

Jo scoffs, "Dean, you caught him with his dick _inside_ someone else. Circumstances are a little different this time. If Castiel hadn't jumped to conclusions, none of this would be happening. All he had to do was stick around long enough to realize that you were still half dressed."

"It's stupid. The whole mess is stupid." Dean knows his voice is petulant, but he can't bring himself to care. He rubs at his face with both hands and sighs. "He's probably kicking himself for assuming the worse. I know I would be. Granted, I've been where he is before. Not pretty. That feeling…of being 'not enough' is horrible. When I walked in on Jeff and that woman, I was shocked stupid. Couldn't move, couldn't speak…I just stood there and watched them for what felt like forever. They didn't even notice me until I was leaving out of the room. Only because I backed into the desk by the door and the lamp fell over."

"Sweetie, don't…"

Dean smiles and keeps talking, ignoring her interruption, "I've never told anyone this, but standing there, watching him plow into her over and over…I was…" He takes a breath and blows it out slowly, "I _liked_ it. Watching them. It's what made me snap out of my shock. I stood there, watching them and I was hard. If he'd asked, I would have joined in."

Jo cups his face in her hand and rubs her thumb over his bottom lip, "There's nothing wrong with that, Dean. I mean, hell, that's why the porn industry is so lucrative. People love to watch. I think everyone does to some degree. Whether they admit it or not is a completely different matter."

"What am I going to do, Jo?"

His friend shrugs, "I wish I had an answer, Freckles…but I don't. You'll both have to talk and decide if what happened today is forgivable. I mean…this is your relationship, not mine. Me? I'd be pissed off for a few days, then I'd cool off and just regret all the bad shit I said."

"Yea." Dean nods and lies back on the couch, hands clasped over his stomach. He's in the process of dozing off, when his cell phone rings. Before he can sit up and grab it, Jo's reached over and looked at the screen. From the way her eyebrows lift up, Dean guesses that it's Castiel. He holds his hand out for the phone and wiggles his fingers when Jo purses her lips in disdain. "Just give me the phone, Jo. That way I can get this over with, either way."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

By the time Dean gets to down the hall and into his bedroom, the phone has stopped ringing. He's tempted to leave the cell phone on the nightstand and head back to the living room, but it rings before he can put it down. Dean sits on the edge of the bed and lies back, "Hello?"

"Please don't hang up, Dean."

"What do you want, Castiel?" Dean knows what he wants, but he wants to hear the other man say it. There's a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line as the doctor reacts to Dean using his full name. A minute passes with no other sound from the man, and when another sixty seconds tick by, Dean speaks up, "Look, either say something or I'm going to hang up."

"Please don't…I just, I want to talk to you, but not like this. Can I come up?"

Dean frowns, "Come up? You're still downstairs?" He looks at the time on his phone, "It's been an hour and a half, Castiel. What the hell are you still doing in the parking lot? You know what, no. I don't care why you're still here. Just go. Go home and leave me alone. I can't…deal with you right now."

"If that's what you want," Cas' voice is quiet, broken, "then I'll go."

Dean hears the line go silent and lowers the phone. He glares down at the screen telling him the call is ended, Castiel's smiling face staring up at him. It takes all his willpower to not fling the cellular halfway across the room.


	14. No One Should Have To Suffer Alone

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, **Vicious Homophobia**

**Chapter Notes: **Quote is from Bob Dylan's Positively 4th Street

**Chapter warning: Please not the amended warnings above**

****Please be advised****

**This chapter includes descriptions of a homosexual character being beaten by a group of homophobic individuals and could be VERY difficult for some people to stomach.  
Please read with caution.**

* * *

**Chapter 14 - No One Deserves To Suffer Alone**

"_I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes_

_And just for that one moment, I could be you_

_Yes, I wish that for just one time, you could stand inside my shoes_

_You'd know what a drag it is to see you"_

**_-FIVE MONTHS, SIXTEEN DAYS EARLIER-_**

Dean leans his head back, letting the water pour over his face and down his body. He's finished with the shower, but is lingering to avoid going home. It's not that he doesn't want to go home, because it's been a long day and he's tired, but he doesn't want to see Castiel. Three days have passed since he's seen the doctor and Dean misses him, but he's hesitant to tell him what happened. His four-day stretch is over and he's looking forward to the five days off. He's made excuses the past two nights when Castiel asked if he could come over after his shift at the hospital. Lame excuses, but excuses nonetheless.

The first night he mentioned being too tired to be good company. Cas has sounded disappointed, but understanding. Last night was harder to pull off. Dean had blurted out that he had food poisoning and Castiel's doctor instinct had kicked in. He'd offered to come over to 'take care' of him. It had taken a rather colorful and absolutely disgusting falsification of the current status of Dean's bowels and a whine of utter embarrassment to keep Cas from coming over.

He just has to hold out for three more days. Cas is working the next three nights so it will be easy to avoid him seeing the bruises. By then Dean will be less sore and there won't be an issue. Castiel loves to cuddle and is a human spider monkey in his sleep, always clinging to Dean desperately. In all honesty, Dean loves it, but he's currently not able to get comfortable in bed _alone_. Adding Cas to the mix will just make it even more difficult for him to get a good night's rest.

The hot water is doing wonders for his sore muscles. Turning, Dean aims the spray towards his lower back and right side. A small hiss of pain makes it past his clenched lips and he squeezes his eyes shut, tamping down the fresh bout of anger that surges in his gut at the memory from two nights ago. He still can't believe he let them sneak up on him. His training's better than that. A lot better. Dean blames it on the long fourteen-hour shift.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

**_-FIVE MONTHS, EIGHTEEN DAYS EARLIER-_**

The Narcotics Team needed SWAT back up to serve an Arrest Warrant on a high level bust, but at the last minute (of course) the judge decides to change his mind. Another four hours tick by before the DA manages to get a different judge to sign off on the warrant. His team's day has been over for three hours, but Lieutenant Harris volunteered for them to stay to avoid tying up the next shift. Hey, Dean isn't complaining. It's overtime, baby. More overtime means more money. More money means nicer dates for him and Castiel. Nicer dates mean a very happy Castiel and _that's made of WIN with awesome sauce._

When they're finally cut loose, the rest of the team quickly makes plans to meet in the Neon District, the part of downtown that houses all the dance clubs and bars not considered déclassé. It's apparently the grand opening weekend of _Morning Star_, the newest hot spot. Dean really isn't in the mood for thumping bass and strobe lights so he begs off, much to his team's disappointment. After promising to go with them the next time, the team finally let him off the hook amidst good-natured ribbing about how he's 'whipped and loving it.'

Dean quickly takes a shower and gets dressed. He's in the process of packing his duffel bag when a pillowcase is pulled down over his head. Due to the odd hour, Dean's incorrectly assumed he was alone in the locker room. The seemingly small mistake quickly turns into a horrible oversight on his part. Before he can react the pillowcase is taped around his neck, just tight enough to prevent him from pulling it off, but not tight enough to strangle him. At first he thinks maybe this is some idiotic SWAT hazing ritual…until the beating starts.

The first punch catches him in the ribs, knocking the air out of his lungs. The second one lands at the base of his spine, making him grunt in pain. Dean lashes out blindly, fist connecting with someone's jaw before the third punch can make contact. He smiles under the pillowcase and backs up against he lockers, one hand out in front of himself. From the sound of the footsteps and breathing, he guesses there are two, maybe three people involved. Dean's proud of how steady his voice is when he speaks, "If you stop now, I'll forget this ever happened. Just leave and I won't report it." The first kick drops him to his knees, the second one he manages to block with his forearm and the third one he stops with a well placed punch to somebody's groin.

His assailants have been silent up until this point, but the second his punch incapacitates the owner of the third kick the taunts start. The stream of slurs is endless. Hurtful, but not anything he hasn't heard before: _fag, queer, fudge-packer, queen, homo, cocksucker, freak. _It goes on and on, the voices overlapping so that Dean couldn't pick out just one. He is gleefully informed that the beating is being delivered to 'cure him' of his 'disease' and is for the 'betterment of the department.' He's insulted, beaten and in the end, when he thinks they're finished, the wickedest blow is dispensed: "I hear you're some kind of bleeding heart homo freak…heard you get off on fucking broken doctors. Is that what it takes for you to get it up, fairy? You're pathetic."

There's a hissed warning of, _"Someone's coming!"_ and just like that, suddenly the attack is over. By this time, Dean is panting hard, the pillowcase sticking to his lips with each breath. He has managed to tuck himself into a corner between two rows of lockers so his attackers couldn't get behind him. The sound of the exit door slamming shut rings in his ears and he winces when he tries to take a deep breath. He hears the faint sound of someone talking on his cell phone out in the hall, then both louder and closer as the door is pushed open. Dean tries to press further back into the corner, holding his breath, willing the person to hurry up and leave.

The sound of a locker opening and shutting echoes throughout the room and then footsteps move back towards the door. A few more steps and the person will be past him. The footsteps halt and a male voice murmurs softly, _"Hold on. Lemme call you back, baby._" A beat, then two and the voice calls out, louder this time, "Dean? Hey, you in here?" Dean squeezes his eyes shut, hands reaching up to claw at the tape around his neck, desperate to pull the hood off before the person gets any closer. His nails can't find the end of the tape and he starts to panic. "Hey, Dean? You left your locker open. Dean?" With each word, the man is getting closer, until finally, "Oh my God, _DEAN_!"

The person is directly in front of him, a faint shadow visible through the fabric of the pillowcase. Dean's survival instinct takes over and he pushes up into a crouch, balancing on the balls of his feet and fingertips. His voice is shaking with barely contained rage, scarcely above a low hiss, "Don't…touch me. I swear to _God_, if you come near me again, I'll fucking kill you."

"Dean, buddy…it's Jameson. Hey, calm down. I'm not gonna hurt you, here…" Dean cocks his head at the sound of something sliding across the floor towards him. "That's my pocket knife, use it to cut through the tape. I won't get near you." Jameson backs away and calmly tells him, "It's by your left foot." Dean feels for the knife suspiciously, fingers curling around the handle when he finds it. "It's upside down, turn it around and it flips out the left side."

Dean does as Jameson instructs, turning the knife in his hand before flicking his wrist, the blade snapping out. He points threateningly and warns the other man, "Keep talking so I know where you are." Jameson (Richard, he thinks his name is) starts reciting the alphabet as Dean lifts the knife to carefully slice through the tape around his neck. Before the other cop has gotten to L-M-N-O-P, he's managed to tug the pillowcase off his head. He blinks to clear his vision and the first thing he focuses on is Jameson, sitting on a bench some twenty feet away. Dean folds the knife closed and stands up slowly, holding it out in the palm of his hand, "Thanks."

Jameson is watching Dean warily, as if afraid he'll bolt and Dean supposes that countless many probably would. Not him. He's stubborn. The other officer nods, leaning forward to take the knife. He tucks it into his back pocket, eyes never leaving Dean's face, "You're welcome." Dean stands there, one arm curled around his abused side and isn't surprised when the next question is voiced, "Mind if I ask what happened?"

Dean takes a cautious breath and sniffs angrily. His attempt at humor falls flat when he laughs dryly before muttering, "Attempted re-education." Jameson's brows lift and Dean clarifies, "It was apparently my lucky day. My number came up in the Homosexual Cleansing Lottery. Yay!" He smiles melodramatically and gives Jameson two thumbs up. "So yeah, you just helped a faggot. Congrats."

"Dude, don't…" Richard (Dean's now sure that's his name because it was engraved on the handle of the knife) makes a face and shakes his head, leaning forward to rest his face in his palm. His voice is muffled when he speaks again, "Look, I know you're gay and in some way you think you can say shit like that because you're part of the demographic, but can you please…try not to speak bigot? I find it offensive."

Dean laughs and groans when his side blooms in pain. The look Jameson levels on him is irritated and Dean says seriously, "Sorry." The other man is still staring at him, brow lifting in annoyance, "Just…never had a straight guy ask me to be more PC."

Richard shrugs and sits back, "Yeah, well, I have two dads. All my life, I've grown up listening to that shit. Forgive me if I don't find it funny anymore." Dean holds a hand out in apology. The other policeman nods in acknowledgement and asks gently, "So, did you see who it was? Before…" He gestures to the makeshift hood and Dean shakes his head. "Recognize a voice?"

"Nope. By the time they started talking I was already disoriented from the blows. The voices kind of blended together." Dean sits down in front of Jameson, legs straddling the bench. His brows furrow at the tightness of his lower back as he tries to get into a comfortable seated position.

Richard 'Call Me Rich' Jameson looks stunned at his answer, "Voices? How many?"

Dean shrugs halfheartedly, "Two, maybe three? I'm not sure. It's not like it matters anyway. No one's going to do anything. I'm alive and in one piece so all's right in the world, huh?"

Rich stands up and dusks off his jeans, picking up his cellphone from the bench, "You'd be surprised. There's a Gay Officer's Action League in this department, Dean. We meet every Thursday at 8pm in the sixth floor conference room if you want to join us." He pulls out his wallet and flips it open, speaking as he pulls something out. "I won't push you for more details, but if you want to talk, here," Dean takes the business card that Jameson is holding out to him. "You don't even have to talk about what happened tonight. Just…if you want a friend, I'm here. Okay?"

Green eyes lift to meet the other man's, trying to gauge his sincerity. Richard folds his wallet and slips it back into his jeans. He's not looking at Dean, not pushing or trying to convince him of his genuineness. He's just…there, a somehow comforting presence. Dean finally smiles, "Thanks, Rich. I'll think about it."

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

**_-TWO MONTHS LATER-_**

"Seriously, dude, NO! I am NOT eating that, no WAY!" Dean laughs and pulls away from Rich, lips pressed tightly shut. He ducks around the buffet table and beats a hasty retreat towards the bar.

"Come on, man! Broaden your palate!" Jameson isn't easily deterred. He's chasing after him, oblivious to the stares from the other guests at the bridal shower. He finally corners Dean a few feet from the bar and is holding a rather offensive looking piece of food in front of Dean's mouth. Jameson sounds like a father scolding an errant child when he says, "_Deannnn."_

The Winchester mouths 'no' and mimics zipping his lip. Richard stands directly in front of him and prods at his lips with the item. Dean shakes his head, grunting 'nuh uh' from behind firmly clenched lips. He should know by now that Jameson plays dirty, but he forgets and before Dean realizes what's happening, his nose is being pinched shut. Rich squints at him threateningly and it takes all of five seconds for Dean to laugh. Rich takes that opportunity to shove the food into his mouth, fingertips holding his lips shut, "Now don't you dare spit it out, Winchester. Swallow."

Dean chews carefully, smirking in Jameson's grip, muttering, "I always swallow."

Rich snickers and rolls his eyes, "I _knew_ you were going to say that as _soon_ as the words left my mouth." Dean bats his eyelashes and holds his hands up, palms facing upwards. "What's the big deal about the finger food anyway?"

"Rich, dude…they look like mini vaginas." Jameson scoffs and heads back to the buffet table, picking up another mini quiche. He stares at it for a while before Dean walks up and shifts it in his hand, pointing, "See? _NOW_ look at it." Dean arches a brow and waits for Rich's mouth to drop open before taunting, "Eh…told ya!" Richard shrugs and pops the mini quiche in his mouth. Dean makes a face and says in whisper, "Dude, they look like mini _cheesy_ vaginas!"

His friend chuckles and picks up another one, eyeing it dubiously. "Think they did it on purpose?"

Dean's face turns thoughtful, "You never can tell with lesbians." Rich laughs and shoves him lightheartedly. He grins wide and tells him conspiratorially, "Hey, if I ever get married, I'm having little _cock_-tail wienies and obscene popsicles…and…" Dean pauses to think about it and grins wickedly, "Éclairs…_cream filled_ éclairs. Mmmmm, yummy." He moans dramatically and rubs his belly. "Can't wait."

"Oh, man…you are one twisted individual, you know that?" Rich picks up another quiche and then promptly puts it down, "Ugh…once you see it, you can't _un-see_ it. Jerk." Dean laughs and moves to pick up a chocolate covered cheesecake pop and grins, the picture of utter shamelessness. "Hey, so why didn't you bring your boyfriend to this thing? It would have been nice to meet him, _finally_."

"Meh…Cas doesn't do the..." Dean waves the stick around for emphasis; motioning at the hall they're in, "…whole RSVP function thing. He's more of a homebody."

"Ah…I see. You should bring him to the next GOAL meeting then. I'm sure he'd-"

Dean shakes his head, voice emphatic, "No. Definitely not."

"Why?" Rich stares at him and then his eyes widen in comprehension, "Wait. Don't tell me you haven't told him about the…" Dean blushes and ducks his head. "_Dean! Why?_ It doesn't make you a different person, it just…" His friend sighs and shakes his head, "You know what, it's none of my business. I'm your friend, okay? What I'm going to say next is strictly non-judgmental. You do what you want, but keeping that from him? That's going to come back and bite you in the ass, sooner or later."

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

**_-PRESENT DAY-_**

"So, you never told him?" Gabriel is leaning back in his armchair and Dean is laid out on that awesome couch again, feet up on the arm, ankles crossed one over the other.

"Nope."

"Why?" Dr. Trick takes a sip of his coffee and sets the mug aside before pressing, "Did you assume it would make him think less of you for it?"

"Nah, doc…I just…I was so focused on helping him with problems that I didn't want to burden him with mine. Rich was right. The secret did come back and bite me in the ass. Big time. I mean, Jo shouldn't have said anything, but…"

"You're right. Joanna had to right to say what she did, _especially_ in that type of situation. The fight was between _you and your boyfriend_, no one else." Dean sighs, knowing full well that the psychologist is right, but knowing it doesn't it make it any easier to hear. "Have you confronted her about it?"

"Who, Jo?" Dean looks over at Gabriel and frowns, "What do you mean?"

"For interfering. If she hadn't said those things, would Castiel have left? If she hadn't been there, would you have pushed him away? Or would you have let him come up to talk? Hell…if she hadn't been in your bed, practically naked, the whole thing wouldn't have happened." The look Dr. Trick is giving him is making Dean uncomfortable. Almost as if he can sense it, the psychologist breaks eye contact, turning to pick up his coffee mug once more.

"I know she was only trying to help, but yeah…I did lay into her a few days later. I'd tried to call him twice, but when I tried a third time, she took my cellphone away…and I'd had it. I went off…blamed her for the whole thing. For making it worse…for trying to help, but fucking it up. She admitted she was wrong and even apologized to Castiel."

"Wow. Impressive. What about you? Have you talked to him since that morning?"

"Like I said, I called him twice and went to voicemail. I…emailed him and even showed up at his apartment. Hell, when that guy with the double-edged razorblades sliced my cheek open? He was in the ED that day, but um…Balthazar stitched me up. Said I should give him a few days. That the pain was still too fresh."

"And that was what? A week ago?"

Dean nods, "Yeah it's been two weeks since the fight. He still won't talk to me and I'm fucking miserable, doc. Even the team noticed it. Harris said I should take some personal time until I'm more focused." Gabriel reaches over and pats Dean's ankle comfortingly. "I just miss him so much. I can't sleep, I can't eat…just…"

"So tell him, Dean. Make him listen. Don't get upset. Don't yell…talk…just the two of you. It can be in a public place if you want, but you need to be honest…about everything. From what you've told me, he's shared a lot of his pain with you. That takes a lot of courage. The least you can do is extend him the same courtesy."

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

Dean's been sitting in the hospital parking lot for ten minutes, staring down at the cellphone in his hand. His thumb is hovering over the green call button, Castiel's face smiling up at him. He takes a deep breath and presses the button, putting the phone up to his hear. The phone rings twice then goes straight to voicemail. Dean listens to Cas' voice and sighs pathetically. He's even glad to hear the pre-recorded message.

"_You have reached the voicemail of Dr. Castiel James Novak. If this is an emergency please hang up and dial 9-1-1. All others please leave your name and number and I will return your call at the first available opportunity. Thank you and have a pleasant day."_

The message is so _Cas_ that it makes Dean smile. He hangs up and reaches up to rub at his eyes, telling himself that he's not going to cry…again. His phone beeps and Dean looks down, surprised to see a new text message from _CAS_. Butterflies take flight in his stomach and he hesitantly opens it.

_**Message from: CAS Received: 1543**_

_**I'm in a meeting, Dean.**_

**Message to: CAS Sent: 1544**

**Sry I'll leave u alone**

_**Message from: CAS Received: 1544**_

_**I'll be done in 15 minutes. If you want, I can call you back then?**_

Dean freezes. _If I want?! Of course, I want! _He quickly types out a decidedly more…reserved response and holds his breath, eagerly awaiting the reply.

_**Message from: CAS Received: 1546**_

_**I'll meet you at the coffee shop by St. Joe's? Say 415?**_

Dean can't hold down the excited laugh that bubbles up as he responds in the affirmative. He bites his lip and releases the breath he'd been holding.

_**Message from: CAS Received: 1548**_

_**See you soon, Dean.**_

He turns the key in the ignition and backs out of his parking spot, a nervous smile on his lips. If he arrives at the coffee shop more than fifteen minutes early, no one is the wiser. Dean takes his coffee and sits by the front window, fingers drumming on the top of the small bistro table as he counts down the minutes until Castiel arrives.


	15. Love Without Forgiveness Is Meaningless

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

**Chapter Notes: **

Opening quote from Florence + The Machine's No Light No Light. **AMAZING** song. After putting it on repeat during the writing of the coffee house scene, I can't help but get all teary-eyed. My only hope is that it inspires the same feels for y'all as it did for me. *smile* Second quote is from NIN's Closer **song is NSFW!**Kudos to anyone who can get the movie reference halfway through the story.

* * *

**Chapter 15 - ****Love Without Forgiveness Is Meaningless**

"_Would you leave me, if I told you what I've done?_

_And would you need me, if I told you what I've become?_

_'Cause it's so easy, to say it to a crowd_

_But it's so hard, my love, to say it to you out loud"_

Dean tries not to look overly excited when Castiel enters the small coffee shop. He casually (hopefully) lifts a hand up to signal him over and clears his throat, trying not to stare while the doctor peels off his coat. "Hello, Dean."

He's missed that voice. _Oh, God, how he's missed it. _"Hi, Cas," Dean slides a mug and small plate over onto Castiel's side of the table and smiles briefly, "I um…I got you a Vanilla Latte and one of those brownie cheesecake things you like. Hope that's okay. If it's not…I can…go get you s-"

Castiel reaches across the table and brushes his fingertips over the back of Dean's hand in a soothing manner. The touch is brief but it hits Dean squarely in the chest. His heart twists in _want_ and in that moment Dean realizes he will do just about _anything_ to get Castiel back. "It's fine, Dean. Thank you." Dean takes a deep breath. His heart's racing and idly wonders, not for the first time, if maybe two cups of coffee in under ten minutes was a bad idea. He feels antsy and more than a little nauseated. His eyes are darting around the small coffee shop, because he can't bring himself to look at Cas. Not yet. One of his legs is bouncing rapidly, making the table shake gently. "Relax, Dean. I'm not going to cause a scene. If that's what you're worried about."

Dean looks up; making eye contact over the rim of Cas' mug for the first time in two weeks and it's wonderful. Those blue eyes are watching him like he's a caged animal and Dean notices that Castiel looks so…tired. Cas looks run-down and Dean hates himself for causing the other man any kind of stress. "I know. That's not why I'm," he clears his throat and looks away nervously, "I mean, I know."

Cas sets the mug down carefully and picks up his fork. He spins it in his fingertips briefly before using it to lift a piece of the pastry up to his mouth. He quirks a brow when he notices Dean watching as he withdraws the fork, "Would you like some?" Castiel points down at the plate with his utensil, "It's really quite good. You should try it somet-"

Dean blurts out, "I'm sorry." He swallows down the bile at the back of his throat and gamely continues on, "I was…I did a lot of thoughtless…" He takes a deep breath and tries again, "I should have told you those things. _I_ should have, not Jo. I just…I didn't want to burden you with my problems. You had enough to deal with without me adding more to it."

Castiel covers his hand, which is in the process of shredding his napkin, "Hey. Look at me." Dean lifts his gaze and swallows audibly. "Dean, I understand why you didn't tell me. Something like that…it's very difficult to admit. Just look at how long it took me to open up to you about my past. Of everything else that happened that morning, what hurt the most," Cas pauses to lift a hand up to lightly thumb over the stitches on his cheek. Dean's eyes flutter shut and when Castiel speaks, his voice is hushed, "was thinking that maybe you don't believe I can help you through your pain the way you're helping me through mine."

Dean's eyes snap open and he reaches up to wrap his fingers around Cas' hand, pressing it to his cheek, "Baby, no." He winces and corrects, "I mean…Cas, no."

Castiel ducks his head and smiles shyly, "You know…you're the only one that's ever called me that?" Dean shakes his head. "Mm yeah. No one has called me anything other than some variation of Cas or James in a very long time. I've missed hearing it. I've missed _you_. Immensely. I've-"

"Cas," Dean is loath to interrupt, but if he doesn't, he'll never get the words out, "That morning…when I woke up, I wasn't sure nothing happened. I woke up and when I saw Jo, I freaked. I was sure I'd done something stupid, something to mess up what we'd built." He takes a deep breath and rubs his knuckles over his lips, "It took me a li'l bit to realize that my jeans were still on and that my belt was still buckled. It was a slap in the face, figuratively, but you have to know that I'd _never_ cheat on you. Ever. Was it a smart thing to do? Hell no, but…"

A strangled laugh works its way up and Dean rubs his face, grimacing when his nail catches on one of the stiches in his cheek. Castiel reaches up and takes his hand, "Dean, I trust you."

"Just, let me finish, okay?" Cas nods, lifting his latte to take a sip and Dean smiles gratefully, "I remember bowling that night, heading to the parking lot and Jo realizing her keys must have fallen out of her purse in the bowling alley. I suggested she just stay at my place and when we got there I went into the bedroom for blankets and a pillow. She was in the bathroom when I finished making the couch up. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed to wait…and the next thing, it's the following morning. I must have fallen asleep on the edge of the bed and then drunkenly crawled under the covers when I got cold."

Castiel smiles, "I know. Jo told me what happened. She came over and explained what happened that night. Even told me you were hanging half off the bed when she came out of the bathroom. Said you were snoring and dead to the world, so she just covered you and climbed into bed. She swears she went to bed wearing one of your t-shirts, but that she must have stripped it off because you keep your place 'hotter 'an Hades' if it's below 60 degrees outside."

Dean rubs his thumb over the back of Castiel's fingers. He sits there for a minute and just enjoying the small contact, "I'm sorry I…when you came in, you looked so happy. Then when you saw us, your expression…oh God, Cas…I'd do anything to take it back. I mean, breakfast in bed. You were bringing me _breakfast in bed_ after working all night…you're fucking amazing you know that?"

Castiel shakes his head, face twisting in self-loathing, "Not so amazing. I said some really hurtful things to you that day." His brows furrow before he continues, "Walking in on that? Oh…sweet J-…you better believe it hurt. I didn't even stop to think. I just…reacted." Cas takes a deep breath and presses his lips together, "My brain skidded to a stop and then raced full-tilt…providing all these lurid details of what _could_ have happened. Had I stopped to think, I would have-" Cas scoffs sadly. "But you followed me and I couldn't deal. I wasn't expecting you to come after me. I needed space and when you chased me, I felt cornered. So…I lashed out at you. I wanted you to hurt as bad as I was hurting. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, I don't know, but that doesn't make it right. The things I said..."

Dean shrugs and reassures him, "I've heard worse."

"But not from _ME_, Dean!" Castiel's voice is hushed, but urgent, face pained. The doctor tentatively reaches out to cup his cheek and Dean finds himself nuzzling the hand. "You're not a bastard and you're not a whore." Cas adds teasingly, "A pretty boy, maybe," his voice grows serious, "but definitely not a whore."

Dean chuckles, embarrassment evident in the way he screws up his face. "I am so _not_ a pretty boy." He ducks his head, fingers toying with the small container of sweetener packets. "Bastard I'd believe, but not pretty boy."

Cas smiles and shushes him, "Oh shut up, you're gorgeous." Dean blushes and groans, the reaction causing Castiel to laugh under his breath. He looks up from where he's rearranging the sweetener packets by color and then quickly shifts his eyes back down, fingers continuing in their mindless task. Cas smiles, "That's one of the things I love about you. You're completely oblivious to just how good-looking you are and the way you influence those around you."

A shy smile curls his lip and Dean teases, "You're just saying that to get in my pants."

Castiel snickers, "Stop making me laugh. I'll never finish what I have to say if you keep making me laugh." Dean mouths 'sorry' and Cas takes a breath, face twisting before he speaks, "I um…the things I did and said that day are inexcusable. I can't believe I slapped you." The blue-eyed man winces momentarily, before repeating, "The insults though…one of them in particular." Castiel reaches for his coat and starts rifling through the pockets in search of something. "I found this last week. It made me think of you, so I bought it, not even knowing if I'd ever get to give it to you." He withdraws a small brick-red box and places it on the table between them, fingers resting atop it for a second before pushing it towards him, "If you don't want it or…" The doctor clears his throat nervously and jokes, "You don't _have_ to wear it. I just…like I said, it made me think of you."

The explanation only makes Dean more curious as to what's in the box. He reaches for it, smiling. His fingers trace over the lid, ghosting along the embossing on the lower right corner. There's black and gold ribbon holding the box closed. Dean's never been good at receiving gifts; he never knows how to react. So he sticks to what he knows: humor. The box is balanced on his fingertips when he melodramatically whispers, _"What's in the b-o-o-o-ox?!"_

Castiel wrinkles his nose and laughs. Dean smirks and slides the ribbon off, lifting the lid of the box. He moves the gold tissue paper aside to get to the prize inside. His gasp is involuntary. Sitting in the center of the box is a dark brown leather cuff with an engraved silver plate fastened across the lifts his eyes to Castiel's and the other man's smile falters, "You don't like it? I-I-I can take it back." Cas takes the ribbon and goes to reach for the box._ "_Here, let me…"

Dean withdraws the bracelet from the box and reads the engraved words aloud, "_'__**Love**__ isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly. -Sam Keen.'" _He smiles and brings the cuff up to bestow a kiss on the silver plate, "Cas_…_I love it. Thank you." Castiel is still watching him; afraid to hope, when Dean extends his arm across the table and pushes his sleeve up, baring his wrist, "Help me?" The doctor is slow to respond, but he finally fastens the cuff in place. Dean repeats, fingers tracing reverently over the inscription, "I love it."

Castiel's thumb is rubbing over the pulse point of Dean's wrist lightly and their fingers are intertwined, "I'm sorry I slapped you, Love. So sorry…" Cas' voice breaks and he ducks his head, "Can you ever forgive me?"

Dean tilts his head, just gazing at the beautiful man across from him. Castiel lifts his azure gaze sheepishly, not quite meeting his eyes. Dean purses his lips in thought, twisting them first one way and then the other. Finally, after about five minutes, he nods, an impish grin curling up one corner of his mouth, "It may take a few years…"

Cas had looked positively queasy while Dean regarded him. His brows furrow for a split-second before he cautiously returns the grin and asks, "Oh yeah? How many?

The policeman hums softly, lifting a finger to tap his lips in thought. He hedges vaguely, "Oh I'd say…five, ten…maybe more."

Castiel gasps theatrically and sits back in shock, "Five whole _years_ of putting up with your _snoring_?" He makes a face and hisses between his teeth, "Sssss…I dun-no-o-o-o…that's a lot of lost sleep."

Dean's snort is offended, his nose wrinkling in laughter, "Just think…it might be ten." Cas' eyes widen in horror and he mimics tying a noose and slipping it over his head. "Oh my…" Dean can't help the chuckles from escaping, "You're incorrigible."

Cas gives him his naughty little grin and shrugs. His face sobers and he reluctantly asks, "So…as bracing as all this has been. In all seriousness, are we good?"

"I'd say we're working on it. We still have a way to go, but yea…" Dean nods, "…we're okay for now." He points at the half eaten pastry and says, "You might want to get that to go." Castiel gives him a questioning look and Dean crooks a finger at him, lips brushing over his ear to teasingly whisper, "Come home with me?"

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"_You get me closer to God_

_You are the reason I stay alive"_

Castiel nuzzles into Dean's neck. They're cuddling on the couch together, Cas lying atop the other man. Not that policeman would admit to the _cuddling_ part, but they've been laying here for the last two hours. He smiles and tightens his arms around the slender man and moans softly, "I've missed having you in my arms."

"You have?" Cas' voice is teasing and Dean licks his lips, eyes roving around the room in thought. The doctor lifts his head and catches the look, pressing a kiss to the underside of Dean's chin, practically purring, "Now who's trying to get in whose pants?"

The younger man gives him a kiss on the temple and tells him mock-seriously, "I'm always trying to get in your pants, Novak." Cas snickers and pushes up to meet Dean's eyes, never breaking eye contact as he leans in to kiss him. The intensity of Castiel's gaze is startling and before they pull apart, Dean's rock hard. "Holy shit, babe. That was…" Dean can't finish the thought; he simply swallows hard and stares.

Cas smirks, a full-on I'm-A-Predator-And-You're-My-Prey smirk that takes his breath away. He's never seen that look in his lover's eyes and it's a bit of a shock. Castiel sits up, straddling Dean's thighs and cocks his head to the side, "I've missed you so much." One of Dean's hands reaches up to slides under the doctor's scrub top, pushing the light blue material up enough to realize that Castiel isn't wearing his usual undershirt. The difference is startling and Dean's eyes flick upwards to the other man's face. Cas smiles curiously and asks, "What?"

"Nothing…I just…you don't usually go without one of your undershirts. I'm just," Dean shrugs, "surprised, I guess."

"People change, Dean. We aren't defined by our wardrobe choices. Take yourself for example," green eyes narrow in question, "you chose to not wear your service weapon for some reason." Dean feels his eyes widen and just as he's about to ask how the doctor knew, Castiel is speaking again, "The t-shirt is entirely too tight for me to have not noticed the gun and the button down shirt is closed. You never wear it unbuttoned if your weapon is on your person."

Dean smiles at the explanation, shrugging gently. His hands cover Castiel's where they're resting on his chest, fingers interweaving together. "I know you don't like it. I left it in the gun safe on purpose."

Castiel nods, "There's a reason. Not today, but someday I'll tell you why." Dean nods and lifts their hands to his lips, kissing each of Cas' knuckles one by one, eyes on his. The doctor sighs happily and finally explains, "An overdose came in today and she sat up and vomited all over us…_after_ we'd given her the charcoal. The shirt was a lost cause and even if it hadn't been," Cas grimaces, "I wouldn't have been able to wear it again."

"Blegh…you mean you're all…"

Dean makes a queasy face, much to Castiel's amusement, "No, silly man, I took a shower. Twice. I never come home without at least showering. Have you seen what comes in to that emergency department?" Cas shudders dramatically and then smirks, the expression faltering when he sees the stunned look on Dean's face. "What?"

The question is timid, surprising the blue-eyed man, "This is 'home' to you?"

Cas smiles, voice soothing, "You mean your apartment?" Dean can't speak so he simply nods. Castiel leans to rub his cheek along his jaw, the gesture akin to that of a cat scent marking. His voice a husky moan, "Home is wherever you are, Dean. It has been for almost eight months." Dean sits up and crowds the other man, hands coming up to frame his face. Lips crush together, teeth knocking briefly, tongue insistent. Cas wraps both arms around his shoulders, hands fisting in the material of the button-down shirt. Before he realizes what he's done, Dean's pulled Castiel into his lap and is standing up. The other man breaks the kiss, tightening both legs around his waist with a harshly uttered, "Shit!"

"Shhh…I got you, baby. I won't let you fall," Dean is nuzzling Cas' lips and slowly making his way to the bedroom, "If you need me to…stop…please tell me now, because I'm…"

Arms and legs tighten around him briefly and the voice that whispers in his ear is pure unmitigated lust, "Throw me down and fuck me raw." A moan wafts over the shell of his ear and then, "Bend me over the bed and slam into me so hard I'll feel it for a week." Dean swallows hard, pushing the bedroom door open awkwardly and still Castiel is purring in his ear, "Show me how much you've missed my tight little ass." Cas' breath hitches dramatically, cooing at him (there's no way to deny that's what he does), pupils blown wide. "Make me cum hard, motherfucker…I need it. I need it so fucking bad. "

Dean's eyes are wide, mouth agape, "Cas…"

Castiel eases his feet to the floor and steps back, stripping naked while Dean watches. Once naked, he turns, crawling onto the bed on all fours, turning to look at him over a pale shoulder, "Don't make me start without you, _officer_." One of Cas' hands reaches behind himself to rub fingers between his cheeks, hips canting up into the touch. The sight is intoxicating and Dean licks his lips, fingers clumsy as he strips out of his shirts. Castiel gives him that smirk he reserves for the bedroom and lowers he face to the mattress, ass up in the air, teasing over himself. His jeans are halfway down his legs when Cas speaks, "Is that for me?"

Dean shoves his jeans the rest of the way down and palms over his erection, voice lust-thick, "Like you have to ask?" A throaty little laugh and then Castiel is on his back, legs spread wide, hips writhing obscenely on the mattress. "You fucking…little…tease."

Cas grins and claws his hands up both thighs, whimpering, "I don't tease, Dean." Both hands are now framing his groin, drawing green eyes to a bobbing arousal, "and if I do…I always deliver." Castiel's hands slide up his own belly, shifting to toy with his nipples, hips rocking side to side and Dean can't reconcile the Cas he knows with the wicked man in his bed.

He shoves his boxer-briefs off and climbs onto the bed, covering Castiel's body with his own, hips slotting together puzzle-perfect. "I love when you get like this…so uninhibited. Thank you."

Castiel tilts his head, "For what?"

"For loving me…for letting me love you and just…" Dean ducks his head and whispers, "I love you, Novak."

"I love you too, Winchester." Cas rubs his cheek against Dean's and teases, "Now enough chick-flick moments…lets get to the fucking, yeah?" Dean laughs and nods, kissing him eagerly.


	16. I Lose All Control When You Grab Ahold

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

**Chapter WARNINGS: **Yea...so this chapter has **NO REDEEMING QUALITIES**. It's basically mindless **SMUT**. You've been warned. If the smex isn't your thing, you can skip this chapter...Don't worry, you won't miss anything important. Also, There's also blatant use of yoga poses for sexual gratification.

Chapter title is from Joi's Lick

Quote is from 50 Cent's Candy Shop. The raunch factor in the song should be a clue as to just how bad this chapter is.

The song Castiel is singing is Air Supply's Without You

* * *

**Chapter 16 - I Lose All Control When You Grab Ahold**

"_You can have it your way, how do you want it_

_You gon' back that thing up or should i push up on it"_

A surprised laugh fills Dean's mouth as he rolls Castiel over, pinning him to the bed with his hips. He groans at the feel of his lover's teeth clamping down on his bottom lip, hips bucking into the other man's groin. Cas releases his lip and lays back, the blue of his eyes reduced to only a thin rim of blue around lust-blown pupils. "You're going to kill me one of these days, you know that right?"

Dean gives him a self-satisfied little smirk and nods. He leans in to kiss the doctor, but stops just shy of his lips, hovering over him teasingly, "Uhhh yeah…but you'll go with a b-i-i-ig smile on your face, won't you?" Castiel narrows his gaze at him and Dean flicks his tongue just under the doctor's upper lip, dipping his head to moan in his ear, "You'll go to Heaven a debauched, sweaty, cummy mess…and when Saint Peter asks you how you died…you'll answer, 'Orgasmically, Pete.'"

Castiel pulls back with a gasping laugh, mouth open in shock and reaches up to rake his fingers through Dean's hair, tugging his head back, "Oh my GOD, Dean…that was so…so…_blasphemous_! I can't believe you-"

The words are spoken into Cas' mouth between small kisses, voice laden with innuendo, "Baby, I'm already a going to hell for being a homosexual…I might as well enjoy the ride."

"I hear God is utterly indifferent to sexual orientation. You might want to get caught up with current events, Winchester." Dean chuckles and kisses him silent, tongue mapping out the inside of his lover's mouth. Castiel runs both hands over his shoulders and down his back, nails leaving faint pink marks in their wake. Dean lifts his head with a satisfied hiss and Cas playfully wags his finger at him, "You are such a dirty boy, Mr. Winchester. I should spank you for you wickedness."

Sparking green eyes are dancing with mirth as he taunts, "Mmmm…promises, promises, Doctor Novak." Dean loves surprising Castiel and from the look on his boyfriend's face, the man is suitably stunned. The reaction is totally worth it: a widening of amazing blue eyes and a small quirk of flush lips. He lowers his head to nuzzle into the curve of Cas' neck and nips at the skin beneath his ear. "Remember what we said…we won't know what you can do unless we try."

Castiel pulls back to stare into Dean's face, "Wha-?"

"Shhh…" There's a blissful smile on his lips while he whispers, "What I mean is…if you want to spank me, go right ahead. I don't mind. If that's one of your kinks, roll with it, baby." He tugs on Castiel's earlobe and growls, hips rocking against the other man. Cas moans and palms both hands over Dean's ass, kneading the flesh hard, "Oh fuck, baby. You like that idea? Tell me the truth, doc."

Castiel growls and in a surprising burst of strength, flips their positions, hands wrapping around both of Dean's wrists. His face is a mask of barely restrained lust as he leans to rub their cheeks together, purring softly, "There are plenty of other things I'd rather do to your ass first, lover."

Dean swallows a gasp, asking breathlessly, "Like what?"

Looking up at him, the policeman is amazed as just how decadent his man looks. The curl of Cas' lips is mesmerizing and that's before Castiel's tongue even slides out to seductively lave over kiss-swollen lips. The act is so deliberate and calculated that Dean is left speechless. Cas knows exactly what he's doing when he leans to whisper hoarsely, "I've wanted to rim, finger and fuck that perfect ass for _months_."

Breath hitching, Dean moans out breathily, "You're serious?" Castiel nods, "Why didn't you say anything?"

Castiel gives him a one-shouldered shrugs and says calmly, "I've always been the bottom…no exceptions." He ducks his head and blushes, "I wasn't sure you would…" Cas pauses to take a calming breath before continuing, "You've been so…patient. I didn't want to overstep by being…"

"Hey," Dean frees his hands from Castiel's loose grip and reaches up. He cups Cas' neck, thumbs rubbing along the underside of his jaw, "Baby, look at me." The look on his lover's face when he finally lifts his gaze is positively shy. "All you had to do was ask."

"You mean that? You'd let me…" Dean nods and Cas' face lights up, "Really?"

Dean laughs, sitting up slightly, stomach muscles bunching as he does, "Yes, really, you silly man. I mean, it's been a while, but…how long have you wanted to do that?"

Cas bites his lip and shifts his gaze away, "With you? Uh, since your little striptease." Dean frowns and Castiel gently elaborates, "The night of your SWAT celebration. You came home with me, remember?"

"Yeah." Dean shuts his eyes, flopping back onto the mattress. He covers his head with both arms and groans in embarrassment, "I gave you a striptease?"

Castiel chuckles, shrugging, "Not exactly, but it _was_ the first time I got a good look at your ass. You almost never wear your shirts tucked in because of your service weapon, but that night…" Cas clears his throat, "you stripped your shirt off and those jeans…they should be illegal, Dean."

He lowers his arms and cocks his head to the side, "What…why?" Cas gives him a look that clearly broadcasts 'you know why' and Dean barks a laugh, "They're not that tight, baby. 'Sides, like you said, I always wear my shirts untucked." He mouths up the center of the other man's chest, pleading softly, "Forgive me?"

"Ohhh-no-o-o…I'm not complaining, Dean. I love your ass and those jeans," Cas groans happily, "they're worth the two hundred dollar price tag." He nuzzles Dean's lips and teases, "Never would have imagined it though: you paying that much for a pair of jeans, but I'm glad you did. You pull it off well, love. Although, you could wear rags and still be hot as fuck."

Dean laughs, "Trust me, _I'm_ shocked I paid that much for them. The first pair was a gift from Jeff because in his words, I wasn't 'stylish' enough for him." He gives a shrug and concedes, "I liked them enough that I got another pair. For all I know he bought them _to_ highlight my, as you call it, 'perfect ass.'" Cas smiles and mouths 'I would've' and Dean blushes, "Stop it."

Castiel takes pity on him and acquiesces. He shifts his hips on Dean's lap and informs him, "But to give you the other half of my answer…I've always wanted to see if my versatility was just curiosity or something more." Dean's fingers are ghosting over Cas' naked thighs as he speaks, barely brushing over the hair on his legs, causing gooseflesh to spread in the wake of his touch. "No one's ever been willing to let me…" His thought is interrupted by Dean's hand curling around him, stroking gently.

Dean squeezes briefly and then releases him, smirking when Cas whines at the loss of contact. He brings a hand up to lick at his palm and resumes the gentle strokes, simply enjoying the reactions on Castiel's face. Each sensation wrings a different expression, "Like I said…all you ever have to do is ask, baby. Understood?"

Cas nods, bottom lip caught between his teeth, eyelids heavy. His answer hisses out of him, "Yesss…oh, fuck, yes!" He takes a shaky breath and whines, "But not tonight…tonight I want…"

The words die choked in Castiel's throat at a flick of Dean's wrist. The green-eyed man smiles and torments him, "What, baby? You still want me to fuck you raw?"

Castiel keens softly and nods, face tight with barely restraint emotion, "Not want…_need_." His hands are braced on Dean's chest, hips rutting into his fist. The moan that drags out of him is intoxicating, "I need it, Dean. I need you remind me of how much I enjoy being claimed…_please_." The words startle Dean and his strokes obviously falter because Castiel's eyes open when he _hears_ what he just said. He freezes, expression fearful, "I'm sorry…I shouldn't have…I didn't mean…I-"

Dean sits up and wraps both arms around Cas before he can pull away, "Easy, baby. Calm down." Castiel's posture is rigid, but he slowly calms at the soothing cadence of Dean's voice, "I want you to be honest with me." Blue eyes peer up through a dark fan of lashes, just watching him for the space of a few heartbeats. Finally, he answers with a small, almost imperceptible nod. "Is that something you want? Really and truly? No bullshit. I need you to be sure because, that is _so_ one of my kinks."

The admission out in the open, Dean presses his lips together, holding his breath. After what seems like an eternity, Castiel nods, expression anxious yet hopeful. He presses their foreheads together, kissing him. Dean laughs, the sound short and nervous. Cas smiles, sinuously rolling against his chest, purring like the fucking tease he is. The lazy grin morphs into a promise of wicked things to come and then in a surprising show of flexibility, Castiel is leaning back until both shoulders are flat on the mattress, body bowed over the arms holding him. Dean tentatively runs a hand up the expanse of taut pale flesh in front of him, sitting forward to press a kiss to the closest patch of skin. With the barest tilt of his hips, Cas is shifting off Dean's lap and onto all fours, head lowering to press against the sheets. "Dean…

"Yeah, baby?"

The question is strangled and desperate. Castiel's body is undulating to an unheard rhythm and Dean is completely spellbound. He didn't even know Cas could move that way and doesn't realize he's spoken until his boyfriend answers with a small chuckle, "Believe it or not…belly dancing and yoga."

Dean surges forward with a growl, the movement startling a laugh out of Castiel. "Fuck…just when I thought you couldn't get sexier, you drop that bombshell on me? Motherf-" He attacks the doctor's back, mouth mapping out the skin, leaving faint bite marks along his hips and shoulders. Dean shifts to pull the nightstand open, nearly falling off the bed when the drawer crashes to the floor. When he turns back towards Castiel, the doctor is in Child's Pose, laughing into the bedspread. Dean scolds him, but the words lack heat, "Don't laugh!"

"I'm s-s-s-sorr-r-ry…it's j-j-juss-s-st…you," Castiel emits a snort and dissolves into giggles, "y-y-you almost…" Cas lifts his head, lips pressing together and clears his throat, "D-did you at l-least get what you w-wanted?" His shoulders are shaking with silent, barely contained laughter, cheeks streaked with tears.

Dean holds up a string of condoms and the bottle of lube with a triumphant smirk, brows wiggling. He ducks his chin and leers, voice deepening, "Now get that fucking ass up."

Castiel swallows hard and shifts until he's in Frog Pose, "Like that?"

Dean presses his lips to the small of Cas' back, one hand on his hip. He mouths over the skin, voice gentle, "If I say or do anything that makes you trigger...stop me okay?" Castiel nods and Dean sits back, hand tapping his hip gently, "Lift up, baby…just a li'l bit." The other man instantly obeys and Dean smiles, "There you go…right there." Thumbing the lube open, he tilts the bottle to pour a line down the crack of Castiel's ass, loving the shudder that goes through the other man.

A moan sounds at the first press of his thumb over that ring of muscle and Dean grins, rubbing over it again. Castiel's hips jerk in response, hands clenching in the sheets. Cas' cock is smearing precum on the covers with each pass of his thumb. Dean works him open with his fingers, apparently too slowly, because Castiel rears up onto his knees and reaches back to hook an arm around his neck, hissing on his lips, "I want you to _fuck_ me, Dean." The look on his face is laden with sexual frustration, "I'm not wanting gentle." Cas rocks his hips back into Dean, smearing lube between them and pleads, voice thick enough to roll in, "_Dean_."

And that's when the reins slip from Dean's grasp. He surges forward with a growl and forces Castiel's face into the mattress. The man's surprised squeak barely registers as Dean covers him, one hand braced on the bed. Cas is making excited little noises, ass tilted up like an offering and when Dean finally thrusts home it's with a guttural moan. Castiel screams, face twisting; he pushes up onto all fours and backs into Dean's hips as they snap forward again, "That what you wanted?"

"Y-yessss…Take it…Make me yours." His hips slam back with each of Dean's thrusts, meeting each one with brutal accuracy and still he's taunting him, "Sss…oh yea…right…fucking..." The stream is endless, spewing from that normal shy mouth. Dean's hands are clamped down on both of Cas' shoulders, hips slamming home quick and hard. He unaware that he's speaking until Castiel answers him, "Yours…your ass…just yours…no one else's." His teeth latch onto the nape of Cas' neck, not caring if he's leaving a mark on a visible area. The whole world can see it and know that Dr. Castiel Novak belongs to Dean Winchester.

Dean's plowing deep into him and even now Cas is begging for more. "You're such a pretty beggar. Aren't you?" Castiel wails _'yes'_ and Dean snarls possessively, "Tell me what do you need?" A soundless _'you'_ forms on the doctor's lips, "Just me?" Cas nods rapidly, brows tight, face grimacing and Dean knows that face, "You gonna cum for me, baby?" Again Castiel nods, a desperate _'please'_ making green eyes darken further, "You want to cum? That what you want?" A single word is mouthed: _'need'_ and he leans forward granting him permission, "Cum for me."

Castiel's knuckles are clenched white, body rigid, a fine trembling going throughout him and just when Dean thinks he pushed him too far, the barest flick of tongue behind his ear makes Cas shriek and he's cumming in thick ropes over the comforter.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

Dean wakes up to the feel of gentle kisses along the left side of his chest. He keeps his eyes closed and pretends to be asleep. Castiel nuzzles up towards his shoulder and he turns his head in the other direction, still not opening his eyes. Dean almost smiles at the sound of Cas singing under his breath_, "'I can't li-i-i-ive…if living is without yo-o-ou. I can't gi-i-i-ive. I can't give any mo-o-ore. Can't li-i-i-ive…if living is without yo-o-ou. Can't gi-i-i-ive, I can't give any mo-o-ore.'" _He _does_ smile at the next words, "I know you're awake, faker."

A sleepy chuckle bubbles up and he tightens his arm around Castiel's waist. He opens his eyes slightly and rolls towards him, hand resting on a naked hip underneath the covers, "What gave me away?"

Cas smiles and moves further into his embrace, teasing gently, "Uh…the snoring stopped?" Dean's eyes flare open and he laughs, pulling him in tight against his body. Castiel snickers and nods, "Yup. That's what did it. Mmhmm. 'Bout damn time too, bug. I've needed to pee for like an hour."

He frowns in confusion, "Bug?"

Castiel grins and slips out of the bed, dropping a quick peck on the lips, "Yeah, bug. Short for 'cuddle bug.'" At Dean's scoff, he teases, "You're clingy in your sleep. Every time I tried to move your arms would hug tighter."

Dean watches him walk across the sunlit bedroom, "You're one to talk, Novak!" Pouting, he burrows under the covers, muttering, "I'm not clingy." Castiel laughs from inside the bathroom, the sound faint through the partially closed door. Dean rubs his face into the pillow and reaches a hand out to grab his cellphone when it beeps. There's a picture message from his brother. He snorts when he opens it. In it, Sam's hand is up to his ear in the unmistakable 'call me' sign. Dean's about to dial when the toilet flushes so he puts the phone back on the nightstand.

"Who was that?" Castiel emerges from the bathroom, a curious look on his face. Dean lifts the covers in obvious invitation and pouts when Cas picks up his jeans from the previous day instead. He watches him step into them sans underwear.

"Sam's a dork. He sent me a 'call me' picture message." Dean rolls onto his belly with a yawn. He tries to sound peeved, "Feel free to borrow my jeans there, Blue-Eyes."

Castiel pulls the blankets down and nuzzles his neck, "Get up, bug…Let's go get breakfast." Dean grumbles under his breath and Cas whispers, "Just think…coffee." When he doesn't move, a hand comes up to rub between his shoulder blades, "All right…I wasn't going to tell you this…was gonna let it be a surprise, but you're being a brat." Dean looks up, intrigued. "That diner you like? They have breakfast pie." His eyes widen and Cas grins, "Ehhh? Interested aren't you?"

He glares but gets up, moving to the bathroom slowly, hands rubbing at his face. Dean can hear Castiel moving around the bedroom while he goes through his morning routine and when he exits the bathroom (feeling more awake, thank you very much) there's new linen on the bed. Cas is sitting in the center of it, wearing Dean's grey AC/DC shirt, thumbs flying over the screen of his phone. Castiel is absolutely drowning in the shirt but if he's honest with himself, Dean loves that Cas is wearing his clothes. Looking away when he's caught staring, he quickly gets dressed.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

Ten minutes later they're sitting in a booth, both of them squeezed in on one side, and Dean is trying to decide if he wants his '_NEW! Breakfast PIE!' _with bacon or sausage. The waitress comes back with their coffees and Dean smiles gratefully, taking that first sip with enthusiasm. "Thanks, Mina."

She smiles, "You boys know what you want?"

Dean makes a clucking noise with his tongue as he tries to decide and looks up in surprise when Castiel speaks, "I'll have a Carrot Cake short stack and he'll have the Breakfast Pie with bacon please." Mina nods and goes to put their order in.

"Damn, Mr. Mc-Bossy Pants, why don't you order for me?"

Castiel laughs, nodding sagely, "These _are_ your jeans. That must be it." Dean snickers; which must be the reaction Cas was going for because he leans in and kisses him.


	17. Free To Be Myself

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

**AN:** Thank you so much to everyone who's reviewed...especially: Casismyfavorite, snowin' you and LaBellaMorte. Big smoochees!

* * *

**Chapter 17 - Free To Be Myself**

Castiel shifts the bag in his arms and struggles to separate the key to Dean's apartment from the others on his key ring. He's been trying to get ahold of Dean for almost two hours, but has so far been unsuccessful. It's Wednesday and he's pretty sure Dean is off, but he could be wrong. It's not the first time he's mixed up dates when looking at the schedule taped to Dean's refrigerator. Castiel nearly drops the bag of groceries, but catches it at the last second. With a soundless growl, he finally gets the door unlocked. The second its open, Cas freezes at the sound of Dean's voice.

The chuckle is dark and vaguely sexual, _"You gonna give me some head, baby?"_ Cas isn't far enough into the apartment so he _knows_ the comment isn't directed at him. He doesn't hear a response but when Dean speaks again, Castiel guesses he's on the phone. Cas can _hear_ the smirk in his boyfriend's voice when he says, _"Stop playing hard to get…you know you want it."_ Castiel swallows hard, eyes squeezing shut, forehead pressing briefly into the doorjamb. Not again. The betrayal hits him square in the chest. Dean promised he'd never do this. _He swore. _Yet here he is, home alone, on his day off, having phone sex with someone else. Cas doesn't want to eavesdrop, but he can't stop. He's held in place, listening to Dean use his sex voice on somebody else. Castiel's jaw is clenched tight and he's getting more and more pissed off with each word. The surprised gasp of, _"Richard! You li'l bitch! Do you kiss your momma with that mouth?"_ is what finally makes Cas push the door all the way open.

Dean's sitting on the couch, facing the television but at the sound of the front door, he turns around and smiles, "Hey, baby. I thought you were working today?"

Castiel sets the grocery bag onto the entryway table and he's extremely proud of himself for not slamming the front door. Dean leans forward and sets something onto the coffee table before standing up. He comes around the couch and Cas notices he's shirtless, barefoot and the top button of his jeans is undone. A surge of anger flares through him at the utter lack of guilt on Dean's face. If anything, the cocky smirk on his lips is worse.

The policeman is almost to where Castiel is standing when he mutters with a laugh, "Suck it, Rich." Cas frowns and finally notices the earpiece when Dean reaches up, hand hovering near the right side of his head. "I am NOT whipped! Now shut your cakehole so I can kiss my boyfriend hello." Castiel's eyes flick towards the living room and actually _looks_ at the television. In that moment Cas feels like the biggest idiot on the planet. Dean cups his face and whispers, "Hey, baby," before kissing him.

The kiss is brief, Dean pulling away with a laugh in response the tinny voice from the earpiece, _"Ewwwww, dude, put me on MUTE! I can hear slurping!" _There's an evil smirk on Dean's face when he calmly informs the voice, "You really want to hear slurping? I can drop to my knees and-" There's a scream from the voice and Dean laughs, muttering to Cas, "That shut him up."

Castiel chuckles, gesturing to the large flat screen television mounted to the wall of the living room, "This is what you do on your days off when I work? Play video games with your friends?"

Dean screws up his face, looking sheepish. "Admittedly it's been a while, but this game just came out and Rich assured me I'd like it so…yeah?" A distracted look passes over his face and then he's talking to 'Rich' again, "Yeah, okay, see ya tomorrow, Jameson." He removes the wireless earpiece and crosses the living room. Picking up the controller, Dean efficiently scrolls through the menu to shut the 360 off. He drops both earpiece and controller onto the couch and comes to take the grocery bag from him. At his silence, Dean asks, "You okay, baby?"

Castiel shakes his head with a wry laugh, "You don't want to know what I thought when I walked in." Dean furrows his brows, pausing to look over his shoulder at him. Cas rubs his face with both hands, "When I came in you sounded like you were, uhh…" He follows Dean, hands bracing on the bar, "it sounded like you were having phone sex."

"Phone sex? With Rich?! Babe, he's straight." Dean laughs, face rife with good-natured disbelief. He pulls open the fridge, putting the milk and lettuce away, "Why'd you think that?"

Cas takes a seat on one of the barstools and rests his head on his forearms. He mumbles, ashamed, "I um…walked in to you asking him about giving you head."

"What?!" Dean turns and gapes at him, "I didn't! I never…" He watches green eyes widen as realization dawns, "I was talking to one of the _characters in the game_, Castiel!" Cas flinches at the use of his full name, then Dean is around the bar and cupping his face, "I was smack-talking the game. Oh, baby…you must have…I'm sorry. We went over this. I'd never do that to you. EVER." Dean's lips are brushing over his while he speaks, their breath mingling and Cas just lets himself drown in it.

"I know. It just…" He receives a small kiss to the corner of his mouth, "You were using your _sex voice_." Castiel is more than a little ashamed of just how whiny his voice comes out.

"No I wasn't…wait…I don't have a _sex voice_!"

Cas gives him a look and snorts, "Yeah…you do. Big time." Dean laughs and shakes his head. "It gets all deep and sensual…and your accent comes out more and," he blushes when Dean chuckles. "Okay, now you're just enjoying this too much. I'm shutting up now."

"No-o-o-o…I love when you get all flustered talking about the shit you like. It's nice hearing what you notice. Like the other morning when you made that comment about me smelling 'Un-Dean-like' and it took me forever to figure out that it was because I'd changed my shampoo. Just…" Dean shrugs, "no one's ever noticed my _shampoo_ before." Castiel hides his face in the curve of Dean's shoulder, mortified. "It makes _me_ noticing little things like that about _you_ seem _normal_."

He looks up curiously, "Like what?"

It's Dean's turn to hide his face, voice heavy with embarrassment, "Don't make me tell you. Mine's weird." Cas curls an arm around his lover's waist and turns to nuzzle his ear. He grins when the other man makes a sound akin to a kitten mewing. Castiel doesn't say anything, he just holds Dean and finally the other man speaks, "Fine. I can tell when the fruit cart lady stops by the hospital. You…taste different."

Cas laughs, "Tell me…what do I taste like?"

"Now who's enjoying themselves too much?" He reaches up to lightly scratch at the base of Dean's skull and gets a happy moan, "Okay, okay…you always taste sweet, but the days you eat fruit you taste sweeter. I love it."

"Good to know."

Now that Dean's talking, it seems he can't stop, "You always smell like cinnamon and sunshine…and your eyes go slightly turquoise when you're happy and this deep, almost midnight blue when you're angry."

Castiel smiles into the curve of Dean's neck and compliments him, "You noticed all that?"

Dean kisses his forehead and nods, "There's more, but yeah…those are the big ones. And on that note, I'm gonna make a some lunch. Hungry?" Cas nods. "I'm feeling lazy…so…sandwiches?"

"Sure. Mind if I borrow some sweats and a t-shirt?" Castiel steals a grape from the cluster on the counter. Dean's in front of the refrigerator, bent at the waist taking things out of it.

Cas slips from the barstool and moves to put the rest of the groceries away. Dean straightens, shooing him away, "You go change, I'll make lunch." He's halfway down the hall when the other man calls out, "I don't know why you don't just keep some of your clothes here. Hell, we should move in together." Castiel stops breathing, sure he heard wrong and hurries down the hall. "I mean, if you want. Cas? Babe? Did you hear me?" This time when Dean speaks again, it's barely discernable through the roaring of Castiel's in his ears. _He asked him to move in? Just like that? Like they were discussing what he wanted on his sandwich?!_

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"He asked you to move in?" Balthazar's voice is shocked. Castiel nods and his friend prompts gently, "What did you say?"

"I pretended I didn't hear him. What else could I do? He didn't mean it…I mean, he couldn't have. Right?" The two doctors are having a drink at a small bar in the Neon District. Dean's pulling a double shift and Castiel didn't want to be alone, so here they are.

Balthazar sighs, reaching out to take his hand, "Cassie…you've been dating, what…six months?" At Castiel's correction he amends, "Okay, fine, almost nine months. That's a fairly…normal progression of things. Hell, Christian and I moved in together after two months."

Castiel snorts, "That's different." He lifts his glass up and smiles around the rim, pointing at the blonde, "_You_ just wanted your little boy toy closer." Balthazar shrugs, not denying it. "This is…more than just sex for me." At his friend's offended laugh, he placates, "I'm not saying your relationship with Chris is based solely on sex, but we both know you're more lackadaisical about commitment."

"Honey, I'm not 'lackadaisical'…you're a prig." He holds a hand up to halt his interruption, "I love you to death, Castiel, but you allow societal norms to dictate too much of your life. Relationships should be _fun_. Are they easy? No, not always, but if you spend all your time worrying about what-ifs, you miss the point. If you love him as much as I suspect you do, just…let yourself enjoy it."

"Wow, Dr. Sebastian…that was rather poetic. I do believe you've had enough. You're cut off." Balthazar scoffs and elbows him, lifting his glass to take a sip of his drink. "Thank you, Baz." His friend tilts his head and just looks at him, a tiny smile on his lips. Castiel returns the smile and ducks his head self-consciously.

He almost misses when Balthazar whispers, "Why didn't we work out?"

Cas looks up to find the other man staring into his glass. "We've been over this, Baz. You know why." He pauses, letting his head fall back against the wall behind him. "You wanted something I couldn't give you."

"Yes, well…I was a fool."

Castiel heaves a sigh and wraps a hand around his friend's wrist, squeezing tenderly, "We may have been electric in bed, Baz…but we work better as friends."

The other doctor chuckles and muses aloud, "We _were_ pretty hot in bed, weren't we?" He lifts his glass and drains the rest of his drink, "Does he know about us? Your policeman, I mean." Cas shakes his head. "Ashamed of me?"

He frowns slightly at the wounded tone in Balthazar's voice. His answer is truthful, "Never in a million years, Baz. It just hasn't come up. How we got to this far without discussing exes is beyond me, but I suspect it has something to do with all the drama surrounding the most recent one." Balthazar nods in agreement. "Now, how about we get out of here and head to that old movie house you love? We can watch some bad foreign film and you can lie about what the characters are saying. Just like old times."

Balthazar laughs, slipping out of the booth, holding a hand out. His friend smiles when Castiel doesn't hesitate to take it, fingers curling around each other. "Come on then, I'm in the mood for something French, I think."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Were you serious?" Dean looks up and Castiel clarifies, "When you asked me to move in…were you serious?"

The couple is on Castiel's couch, watching some awful horror movie on television. Dean's back is resting against Castiel's lower chest and stomach, his head resting against Cas' chest. Castiel's arms are draped down around Dean's shoulders, hands toying with the necklace around the younger man's neck. "I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't, but if it's too soon, that's fine. I just figured…your lease is up at the end of November, right?" Castiel hums in the affirmative. "You spend what, two days a week here? But like I said, if you don't want to, that's fine." He can tell that Dean is trying for nonchalant, but his voice has an edge of unhappiness to it.

"You don't think it's too soon? I mean…I don't want you to feel like you _have_ to offer." Castiel hates that he sounds so pathetically hopeful.

Dean sits up with a huff, "You've known me long enough to know that I don't do things just because I think I _have_ to. I asked because I wanted to, but if you're going to be all weird about it, just forget I fucking said anything."

Castiel watches Dean pull on his shoes and stand before he speaks, "Where are you going?"

"Home. I don't want to fight and if I stay I'll just say something I shouldn't."

"Dean," Cas sits up, hands reaching to hook into the waistband of Dean's shorts, "don't go. Stay? Please? I…" He's interrupted with a soft utterance of his name before he whispers into the hard lines of his boyfriend's naked stomach, "need you to stay."

"No you don't."

"Yes, I do." Castiel leans his head back and whispers, "You want to know why I'm scared to tell you 'yes?'" Dean nods, right hand caressing over the side of his face while he speaks, "I don't sleep when I'm here. I literally cannot sleep in my bed alone. Sometimes, when you work overnights…I sneak over to your place to be close to you." The hand on his face pauses and Cas turns slightly to nuzzle into it, "I didn't want you to think I moved in with you to keep the nightmares at bay. Didn't want you to think I was crowding you."

"Baby..." Dean's thumb is tracing over his brows and hairline, "I would never think that. I love sleeping in the same bed with you. Waking up next to you is one of the best things in the world, second only to falling asleep with you in my arms. I asked you to move in because I want you there…all the time. You're not going to 'crowd me.' Trust me."

Castiel presses a kiss to tan skin and smiles, "Okay then."

Dean pulls away slightly and asks, voice doubtful, "Okay as is 'yes you'll move in with me' okay or…"

Cas laughs, "Yes. I'll move in with you." His lap is suddenly full of excited Texan, kisses covering his face, "Oh my…what are…_who are you_? Who are you and what did you do with my boyfriend?" He's squirming and trying to keep from laughing too hard, but Dean's attacking his neck and shoulders now, "Holy hell, babe, how long have you been wanting to offer?"

"Honestly?"

Castiel snorts and mutters under his breath, "No, lie." His voice is louder as he says, "Yes, of course the truth!"

"A couple of months. " His jaw drops and Dean chuckles, "Scary huh?"

"Lemme guess…early August?"

Dean mock-glares, "No-o-o-o-o, not since we first had sex, pervert."

Castiel wiggles his eyebrows, unconvinced, "It's okay…admit it. You got one taste of this hot little ass and you were hooked." Dean laughs, lips teasing his left ear, "Once you found out just how good it felt around your dick-"

"It was before then actually." Cas moves back enough to look into his eyes, the words hitting him hard, "I knew since about June, maybe? I never said anything because I wasn't sure it was something you wanted." Dean shrugs and kisses the tip of his nose, "Wasn't sure you wanted to trade this spacious apartment for a shitty one bedroom."

Cas traces Dean's lips with his fingers, "I'd ask you to move in with me, but…"

"Too many memories here?" Castiel nods. Dean hugs him and suggests thoughtfully, "So move in and when my lease is up in March, we can get a bigger place. Something with a washer/dryer…" Cas chuckles at the blissful little moan that follows that statement. "That way I don't have to go to that horrid laundry room. Oh…maybe a townhouse or a condo? So we can have a small yard?"

"How about…we talk about that later? Right now…" he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. Dean throws his head back in laughter and Castiel joins him, hands coming up to double-fist his lover's hair. Holding his head still, Cas lays siege to Dean's beautiful mouth. They never make it to the bedroom that night, but neither of them cares.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Castiel tugs on Dean's hand, but his boyfriend is immovable, feet planted squarely on the sidewalk. His eyes flick to the doorway and then back before asking, "Why are we here?" The pair is standing outside a rather unassuming adult boutique in the broad daylight and Dean looks positively scandalized. Visiting the store hadn't been planned at all; Castiel had honestly forgotten about this place. After spending most of morning and part of the afternoon wandering through the street market and later window-shopping, he was truthfully ready to head home. They were looking for some place Sam had mentioned when Cas had caught sight of the unmistakable storefront. He'd pulled Dean across the street before the other man had even noticed where they were going.

A gentle reminder slips his lips, "You said you were willing to try new things, Dean. Remember?" At his nod, Cas grants him a soft kiss, "So come on…I want to buy you something."

"It's broad daylight, Cas!"

The statement is hissed under his breath and Castiel rolls his eyes, "Sweetie…we're in a predominantly gay neighborhood. No one cares if two men go into a sex shop to buy…supplies." Dean blushes a rather charming shade of puce and finally allows Cas to drag him into the store. The chime of the door startles the green-eyed man and Castiel whispers, "Relax."

If Dean surprised by the small foyer and homey feel of the place, he doesn't let on. There's a second door approximately ten feet from the dark blue one they just passed through and a woman entering a small Plexiglas enclosed ticket booth, "Welcome to Dante's, this your first time?"

Castiel shakes his head, "Uh no…it's been a while but I've been here before." Dean gives him a shocked look that he pointedly ignores, choosing instead to head towards the booth. Cas pulls the leather wallet out of the back pocket of his jeans and removes his ID, handing it to the woman with a smile. "You can put him as my plus one," he gestures towards Dean and theater-whispers, "He's shy."

The pretty blonde nods, slipping his ID into a small binder before pointing to the smaller door and buzzing them in. "Come on in and enjoy."

Castiel pushes the door open and waves a hand in a grand 'after you' gesture to Dean. The second they're inside, Dean visibly relaxes, eyes wandering around the store, "Wow. This is…wow."

He laughs, "What were you expecting? Blow up dolls and tawdry wares?" The blush on those freckled cheeks says that yes that was exactly what Dean expected. Cas puts their shopping bags on the counter for the blonde to take and thanks her. He tucks the claim ticket into his pocket and whispers to his boyfriend, "Only the best for my handsome man. Come on…I know just what I want to get you."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

The blonde, Amy, cheerfully states, "Your total's two hundred eighty seven dollars and forty three cents. Will that be cash or credit, Mr. Novak?" Castiel laughs at Dean's expression and hands her his credit card. She grins and slides his card through the reader, "Do you need a receipt?" He shakes his head and snorts when she murmurs to Dean, "Most first-timers have that reaction to the total, Sir. Trust me, I had the same reaction when I rung up my first sale, but trust me…it's so worth it." Amy nods and tears off the sales receipt, putting it on the counter for Castiel to sign. "The toy alone is," she clears her throat and squirms dramatically, "lets just say…there's a reason it has a lifetime guarantee."

Castiel signs the slip and hands it back to her. She hands him his credit card and ID and he slips them in his wallet while she wraps their purchase. The bag is unadorned: matte black with deep blue tissue paper peeking out the top. Amy puts it on the counter, along with their other shopping bags. Cas takes them and politely says, "Thank you."

She buzzes them out and waves with a friendly, "Thank you for shopping at Dante's, come back and see us again soon."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Still can't believe you spent almost three hundred dollars on my ass." Dean looks over from the driver side and Castiel snickers at his choice of wording. "Seriously, Castiel…did we need all that stuff?"

The blue-eyed doctor reaches to pat Dean's thigh supportively, "Honey…how long has it been since you let someone top you again? A year or two?"

Dean mutters, "Try four…almost five years." Castiel's brows lift and he's not able to school his expression before Dean notices it. His reaction is frustrated irritation, "What?! I told you it had been a while! You're the one that wanted to do this!"

"Hey…calm down, Dean. I'm just…wow." The policeman's gaze flicks over towards him briefly. "Why so long?"

He answers with a shrug, "Most guys I dated…more than anything else, it was about getting fucked by a cop for them. They just wanted to be dominated, taken…and trust me, I got off on it. Like I told you, it's one of my kinks. One guy couldn't get it up unless I was still wearing most of my uniform." Castiel sucks in a breath and swallows hard. "You're thinking about it now, aren't you?"

"I…well…" he clears his throat and finally admits, "I'd be lying if I said no. The mental image that invoked…was rather vivid." Cas licks his lips and rubs at his chin. They've pulled into the parking lot of Dean's complex and he whispers, "You sure you want to do this?"

Dean pulls into his assigned slot and cuts the engine, turning in his seat to face the passenger seat, "Baby…you already bought all the prep supplies. Good thing to, 'cause hell, I don't have any of that stuff anymore. I tossed it all out when I moved to this place." Castiel grins at the eagerness in those green eyes, "So lets go…your dick has an appointment to keep."


	18. Not All My Exes Live In Texas

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

**AN:** Thank you so much to everyone who's reviewed...especially: Casismyfavorite, snowin' you and LaBellaMorte. Big smoochees!

**Chapter Notes: **Chapter title is altered from George Strait's song All My Exes Live In Texas.

* * *

**Chapter 18 - Not All My Exes Live In Texas**

"Oh sweet...I don't know what you're doing down there, but…don't stop...ever!" Dean's hands are fisted in the sheets, his hips up on a pillow, both legs up on Castiel's shoulders. A laugh is muffled against his naked thigh and Dean growls, "Don't laugh! It's not fu-u-uuuckkKK!" Castiel chooses that moment to swirl his tongue around the sensitive ring of muscle, gently probing before withdrawing. Dean arches up with a groan, his pique momentarily forgotten.

"Patience, young Winchester…"

Dean snorts, both feet shifting to lie flat on Castiel's upper back. His voice is barely holding back laughter when he asks, "Did you seriously just make a _Star Wars_ reference while rimming me?"

Castiel puffs a breath over his spit-slick opening and Dean swears he can hear the grin in his voice. He's about to say something, but then the tongue is back, teasing over his hole, "Mmm…no. I was drawing from _Kung-Fu,_ actually." Dean whimpers low in his chest, _he fucking whimpers_. Cas is nuzzling at his balls; breath hot on his already overheated skin.

"Baby…please…let me…oh fuck me!" The warmth of Castiel's mouth is suddenly enveloping one of his testicles, sucking gently before allowing it to slip free. Dean howls when Cas repeats the action, the suction a bit more intense this time, "oh f-f-oh muh…" His lover chuckles around him and lifts his head slightly, letting gravity withdraw the orb from his between his lips. The feel of Castiel's mouth moves to the other and the moist heat makes him scream his boyfriend's name. A soft hum vibrates around him and there's a gentle tug on the skin with just the barest edge of teeth. Then Cas' mouth is gone, Dean's heavy balls now spit-shiny and feeling utterly neglected.

He's not expecting the question, "The left one really that much more sensitive?" His lover noses the underside of his dick, waiting for an answer. Dean can only nod. Cas kitten-licks first one then the other, grinning. "Interesting…" There's no time to wonder about what that means, because Castiel's lips are now wrapped tightly around both of his balls, mouth sucking eagerly. Dean swears he sees stars, he really does and then he's cumming. Every muscle in his body contracts and he screams through the whole thing. His climax is noisy, brutal and downright mind-blowing.

Minutes later…or days…Dean can't tell, (not that it makes a difference) he shakily lifts a hand to pat Castiel's head. The doctor is kneeling between his legs, slowly licking up the mess on his belly, but he looks up at the clumsy pat. "You okay?" Dean nods, giggling stupidly and Cas teases, "You're so fucking cute, bug."

Dean scowls at him, "Nuh uhhh…'m not. _You're_ cute."

Castiel chuckles, crawling up to curl against his side, gently teasing, "That was a rather spectacular orgasm, love. Didn't realize you could be quite so loud." Dean lifts a finger to his mouth and shushes him, dissolving into giggles yet again. His eyes drift shut so he doesn't realize what Cas is doing until there's a finger nudging between his ass cheeks. "You don't mind if I…"

"No-o-o…go r-right ahead, baby." Castiel's finger is gentle, but insistent. Dean's legs spread wider, giving Cas more room to explore. "Use your thumb to…" he lifts a hand up to demonstrate in the air, hissing when Castiel instantly knows just what he was going to say, "mmm yeah…right there."

"I know what I'm doing, love. You just relax…let me take care of you."

"Mmm you do…take care'a me…feels good." Dean rolls his hips and bites his bottom lip when the tip of Castiel's finger applies pressure on the pucker, "Baby…"

"Sshhh…relax…" Cas' lips are on his ear, pressing a quick kiss there before he's sitting up. Dean's eyes snap open and he watches as the other man slicks up his fingers. Castiel looks up, catches him watching and smiles, mouthing, "Love you."

"Love you too, Cassanova." The nickname rolls off his tongue without premeditation and Cas' eyes light up, a small smirk replacing the smile. He leans to kiss him and those fingers are back, teasing over him. Dean reaches up, hands gripping around Castiel's neck, whimpering into his mouth as the tip of his finger pushes on his entrance.

Cas breaks the kiss and exhales, "Don't clench, love…relax…I won't hurt you. Trust me?" Dean nods and relaxes. When he does, the tip of Castiel's finger breaches the first ring of muscle. A ragged moan fills the room and it takes Dean a second to realize that it's _his_ throat making that noise.

Castiel is a patient lover, slowly working him open, fingers careful, yet thorough. They're curling and scissoring, the feeling better than Dean remembers. It's been far too long. His heels are digging into the mattress, leverage for the rocking of his hips. Cas is grinding into against his hip, but when Dean reaches to jerk him off, Cas just shakes his head, instead choosing to roll onto his belly. Dean pouts slightly and whispers, "You don't want me to…?"

"This is about you, love. Just enjoy it." Dean kisses him and just gives himself over to his lover's ministrations. He's soon reduced to making sounds. No words, just…sounds. His entire body is on fire and Cas is whispering to him, soft words of encouragement filtering through the haze of desire. Dean's about to ask Castiel to fuck him with more than just fingers, when the other man twists his wrist, curling to press on that spot inside him. His body arches up; toes curling and his eyes squeeze shut. The feel of those fingers rubbing his prostate is maddening. He's slowly unraveling, unable to form a coherent thought. "Look at me, Dean…look at me when you cum."

He turns towards Cas' voice, face twisting in ecstasy. His voice is frantic and trembling, "Please…baby…_please_…" Dean doesn't know what he's begging for, but Castiel does. His lover interlaces the fingers of his free hand and gives him something to focus on, a landline of sorts. Dean has his free arm curled up around Castiel's neck, their foreheads pressing together and he's practically sobbing, chest heaving. His eyes are alternating between wide staring and a rapid blinking bordering on fluttering eyelashes. Cas smiles on his lips and Dean kisses him hungrily.

Castiel pulls back with a laugh, whispering, "I love you…love you…love you…love you," between small kisses to his face. Dean is racing towards that final moment, his breath a series of punched out exhales and still Cas is whispering, "I love you so much…my beautiful green-eyed man…my sweet, sexy policeman." Dean shudders and whispers a weak 'please' under his breath. Castiel growls in his ear, "MINE!" And Dean's finished. The orgasm slams into him and knocks the breath out of him. Castiel kisses him, swallowing the sounds of his completion, but Dean feels the trembling against him and knows that Cas came, his untouched cock trapped underneath his body.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Dean rolls over, reaching for Castiel, but his hand falls onto cold bed sheets. He opens an eye and sure enough, he's alone in the bed. Sitting up, Dean looks around and yawns. He rubs at his face and hears Cas' voice faintly from the other room, _"He's asleep. May I take a message?"_ There's a small pause and then Castiel telling the caller, _"I assure you, he'll get the message." _Another pause, then, _"Well in that case, feel free to call him back some other time, perhaps at a more reasonable hour. Good bye."_

He quirks a brow and slips from the bed, pulling on his underwear on the way out of the room. The hallway is dark and it takes him a moment to realize that Castiel is in the kitchen, glaring at his cellphone. "Hey, baby…who was that?" Cas startles and drops the phone. Dean surges forward and wraps a hand around his jaw, "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"Did I wake you?"

Dean shakes his head, "No, the empty bed did. I reached for you and you weren't there." He bends to pick up his phone and scrolls through the calls, frowning when he sees three calls from an unlisted number, "Who called?"

Cas give him a small shrug, "I don't know. He wouldn't say. Sounded rather inebriated to be quite honest." Dean sees a brief flash of jealousy in those blue eyes as Castiel speaks, "I ignored the first call, because I was comfortably ensconced in your arms. The second time it woke me up all the way so I got out of bed to silence the ringer, before it woke you as well. By the time I found your phone, he'd hung up. I was headed to bed when it rang again, so I answered it."

A yawn rips through his body and Dean stretches before asking, "What 'e want?" He gets another shrug from Castiel. "Didn't say?"

"The person asked for 'Chesty' and when I told him that there was no one here by that name, he got…colorful." Dean freezes at the nickname and rubs his face in hope of disguising the reaction. No such luck. "You know who it is."

Dean sighs heavily, "Yeah. I do." He doesn't say anything else, hoping to avoid a fight, but Cas is watching him with this…_look_ on his face so he tells him. "It's my ex. The one that cheated on me." Castiel arches a brow and tugs him forward by the waistband of his underwear. "Sorry the phone woke you up, baby." Cas wraps an arm around his waist and kisses his chin, "What was that for?"

"Telling me the truth. You could have lied, but you didn't. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Can we go back to bed, now? It's two in the morning and I have work in a few hours." Castiel nods and the two of them head down the hallway to the bedroom. They're asleep within a few minutes, Dean wrapped around Cas' smaller body, face buried in the curve of his neck.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"He called you? After all this time, seriously?" Sam's face is incredulous. It's two days later and they're having lunch at a restaurant near his brother's office, "What did he want?"

Dean shrugs, "I don't know. He called at like two in the morning. Cas said he sounded drunk…and belligerent." Sam sputters his mouthful of water and Dean arches a brow, "Attractive, Sammy."

His brother dabs at his mouth with the linen napkin and coughs, clearing his throat before asking, "Cas answered the phone? How'd that happen?" Sam's still coughing and wiping at his mouth as he waits for an answer.

"He was sleeping over. The phone woke him up, so he got up to silence it and then answered it when it rang a third time. Simple as that." Dean takes a bite of his cheeseburger and chews slowly, eyes on his brother.

Sam is staring at him, "What did he say when you called him back?"

Dean speaks around the mouthful of food, "I didn't. He called from an unlisted number. Didn't leave a message or number. Just drunk dialed me and hung up. It's stupid."

His brother nods, "Especially after what, two years?" Dean makes a noise in the affirmative and takes another bite of his burger. "Must have seen you somewhere. Or saw something that reminded him of you. Who knows? It's not like it matters, right? You're in love with Castiel." Sam smiles and Dean nods. "Well there you go. Just ignore it and if he calls again, tell him to stop. If he doesn't, you can change your number again."

"Ugh…the drama of that again. Fuck!" Dean winces when the restaurant goes silent. He slumps down in his seat and calls out apologetically, "Sorry!" Sam laughs and goes back to eating his grilled chicken, head shaking.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Hey, Chesty! Long time no see!"

Dean steps into the firehouse, smiling against his better judgment and takes the hand of the large, rather imposing man greeting him. He's pulled into a bear hug and lifted up in the air. A grunt of surprise escapes him. "Holy Hell, man! Put me down!" Dean's voice is trying for annoyance, but only succeeds in sounding amused. He's put down and slaps his hand over the taller man's shoulder, "How you been, House?"

The guy shrugs, "Oh ya know…same shit, different day." Dean laughs and nods in agreement. "So, what ya doin' here, man?"

"I'm looking for Jeff. He here?"

He sees a look flash over the other man's face and wonders at it briefly. House clears his throat and nods, "Yeah…he's here. Last I saw, he was in the kitchen." Dean starts to thank him and the man starts talking again, "Look, Chesty…I know it ain't my place, but uh…"

"Well, well, well. Would you look at what the cat dragged in. You here to see me, baby?"

Dean turns and watches as his ex moves towards him. He sidesteps the hug and holds up a hand to stop him when he makes to try again, "I'm not your 'baby' anymore, Jeffrey. You made your choice. I'm here to tell you to stop calling me. I don't know how you got my number, but lose it."

"Oh, come on, Chesty…you don't mean that." Jeff pouts, stepping forward to press his chest into Dean's hand, "You could never say no to me, remember? Convincing you to say yes was always the best part though. Is that what you're wanting? For me to convince you?"

Dean takes a step back and puts some space between them when Jeffrey reaches up to cup his face. The fireman follows him, reaching up again. Dean wraps a hand around Jeff's forearm and pulls him forward, spinning him. He presses his hand into Jeff's back, right in the space between arm and shoulder; using the other man's momentum, Dean shoves him, chest first into a bank of lockers, arm held in a modified arm-bar. He leans to hiss into the shell of Jeff's ear, "Last warning. Stop calling, stop texting and stop emailing me pictures."

Jeffrey laughs and tries to pull free, "Or what, baby? You'll arrest me?" He grunts when Dean exerts pressure on his elbow, "Mm I forgot just how much you liked pushing me around." He licks his lips and moans, "That what you're wanting, baby…a little bit of the rough stuff? What, doesn't your pretty-boy doctor give you what you need? Maybe I should pay him another visit?"

Dean feels his body go cold. He growls and threatens, "You leave him out of this, Jeffrey! I mean it! You go near him and I'll…"

House steps forward and warns gently, "Hey, Chesty…let him go. One on one you can take him, but…" At his pause, Dean looks up. The rest of the firemen on shift have come out to see what the commotion is about. "Why don't you just let him go and leave."

Dean releases Jeff's arm and steps back, hands up in the air. He moves towards the exit, wiping a hand across his mouth, "Yeah, alright, I'm going. Good seeing you again, House."

The tall fireman smiles and nods, "You too, Chesty. Too bad it couldn't be under better terms." Dean nods and turns, walking out of the firehouse. He's pulling away from the curb when he sees Jeffrey in the rearview mirror. His ex is standing on the sidewalk, smirking. When he notices Dean watching, he lifts a hand to blow him a kiss. The tires of the Impala squeal as Dean pulls into traffic.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"I need to speak to Dr. Novak." The nurse looks up from her phone call and holds up a finger, speaking to the person on the other line. Dean unclips the badge from his belt and flashes it at her, voice dangerous, "Where. Is. Doctor. Novak?"

"Officer Winchester!" Dean looks up at his name and looks around. He sees the blonde doctor standing about twenty feet away, "You looking for Cassie?"

Dean nods, hurrying down the hall towards the other doctor, "Dr. Sebastian, where is he? I need to see him. I tried calling him, but it went to voicemail. Please, it's important."

Balthazar steps closer and informs him blandly, "He's with a patient, Dean." He tilts his head briefly before asking inquisitively, "Is everything okay? You look a bit…tense, my boy."

Dean clips his badge back into place and gives him a forced smile, "Yeah, everything's fine. I just…I need to see him, please."

Balthazar just stares at him for a few seconds, as if deliberating and then nods. "Follow me." Dean trails after him down the hall and into an empty exam room. He stops and looks around curiously and is about to ask what they're doing there when the other man speaks, "Look here, Officer Winchester…I can't have you traipsing in here every time he doesn't respond to your texts and phone calls. Castiel is _busy_. Perhaps it's escaped your notice, but he's a doctor of _emergency_ medicine."

"Look, doc…I know that. I just…"

"Need I remind you of the last man who used to show up when Castiel was unreachable?" Balthazar gives him a look and points towards the door, "Now, I'll tell Cassie you stopped by, but please go."

"Balthazar, please...I just…I need to see him. My e-"

"Dean?" He turns around at his name and sees Castiel standing in the doorway. "Balthazar…what's going on?" Cas' face is pulled into a frown as he looks between the two men.

Dean rushes forward and takes Castiel's face in his hands, "You're okay…oh thank God. I was so worried." He presses a kiss to surprised lips and shuts his eyes, whispering, "You're okay…you're okay…you're okay," under his breath, hands carding over his hair.

"Of course I'm okay! What made you think otherwise?" Castiel looks over at Balthazar, who only shrugs. "What happened?" Dean wraps his arms around Cas and hugs him tight, face pressing into his neck, "You're shaking, Love. What's wrong? Please, Dean, you're scaring me."

Dean sniffs and rubs at his face, taking a step back, "I just…I needed to see you. I…" He clears his throat and gives him a fake laugh, "I just missed you. That's all." Castiel gives him a look that clearly broadcasts his disbelief and Dean takes a deep breath. Balthazar clears his throat and he turns, having forgotten the other doctor was there. "I went to see Jeffrey," at Cas' expression, Dean holds up a hand to silence him. "I went to tell him to stop calling and he…he mentioned having visited you…I was afraid that maybe he'd done or said something and…I just had to see that you were okay."

"He didn't." Castiel shakes his head, then stops, eyes widening, "Wait…Jeffrey? Is he a fireman?" Dean nods and Cas scoffs, "That was…the fireman was your boyfriend?" Dean can only nod and Castiel laughs, "Wow…you really lowered your standards, didn't you?" Dean frowns, as well as Balthazar and Cas snorts, "I just…wow, Dean…he's built. I'm scrawny compared to him."

Dean kisses him and leans to speak into his ear, "We can work on your muscles, baby…I'm more interested in this." He places a hand over Castiel's heart and smiles when the doctor blushes.

Balthazar steps around them, shutting the blinds in the exam room door, muttering, "You guys have twenty minutes. Make good use of them," before slipping out the door and pulling it shut. Dean chuckles and kisses his boyfriend again. He's about to tell Castiel he doesn't have a condom when there's a quick knock and then a hand in the open doorway. Balthazar's voice is audibly smirking, index and middle fingers holding a small packet between them, "You know…just in case you don't have one."

Castiel blushes brighter, "Baz!"

Dean reaches out to take the foil packet with a grin. "You wouldn't happen to have…" He laughs when a small packet of lube appears in the doorway. "Thanks, doc."

"Don't mention it," Balthazar mutters, "No seriously, I mean it. Don't mention it. Ever."

The door shuts and Dean pulls the drawstring on Castiel's scrub bottoms, "Turn around, baby." The sky blue pants pool around the doctor's ankles, the underwear gets shoved down just enough to give Dean access to what he wants. Dean shrugs out of this button-down shirt then unfastens his jeans. He rips the lube packet open, slicking his fingers while Castiel turns. The doctor reaches up to press both his hands against the door. Dean whispers, fingers rubbing over that tight ring, "So obedient."

Cas sighs, ass pressing back into his fingers, growling softly, "Don't tease me, Dean."

He twists his fingers and groans at how easily Cas' body accepts his finger, "Damn, baby…I fuck you that good last night?"

Castiel leans back to rest his head against Dean's shoulder, voice soft, "Always."

Dean chuckles and eases a second finger into his lover, eyes on his face while he twists his wrist, finding that rhythm Castiel loves. "You're so fucking gorgeous, baby." Cas whimpers, his hips bucking back, his tight little ass arching up further. Dean pulls away, fingers slipping free, teeth ripping open the foil packet. Castiel makes a noise of protest and Dean whispers as he quickly pulls his jeans open to sheath his dick, using the rest of the lube on himself, "I know, baby. Just gimme a second and-"

The rest of his statement goes unspoken, because Cas wraps a hand around him, pressing the tip of his cock to that slicked hole. He tosses Dean a look and smirks, thrusting backwards, mouthing, _'Fuck me hard.'_

Dean grabs his hips and slams forward, going balls deep in that first thrust. His mouth is at the base of Castiel's neck, teeth scraping as he pounds into his boyfriend. There's a short grunt from Cas and Dean reaches up to cover his mouth, silencing the noise, "Shhh, baby." His hips are moving faster, deep, brutal thrusts; each one hitting Castiel's prostate. There's a quiet knock on the door. Blue eyes widen and Dean slams in deep with a groan, cock pulsing inside that tight heat. He grits out between his teeth, voice tense from his orgasm, "Just a second."

Balthazar's voice is muffled, "I realize I'm cutting your time short by a few minutes, but do hurry. There is a multiple trauma seven minutes out."

Castiel reaches back and curls a hand around Dean's half-naked ass, kneading the muscle, hips rocking back gently. A shuddering breath goes through him and when Dean's hand slips off his mouth, he whispers, "I love you."

He presses a kiss to the bite on the curve of Castiel's shoulder and groans as he slips free of his lover. "I love you too, baby." Cas gasps softly and turns, leaning his shoulders against the door. He bends to pulls his pants up and Dean stops him, dropping to his knees. Dean moves his mouth over Castiel's cock, cheeks hollowing from the effort, hand stroking hard and fast.

Cas whispers urgently, "We don't have t…Nnnghh…oh sweet Mary, that mouth."

Dean eases forward, nose pressing to the hairs around the base of Castiel's arousal, swallowing around him. He gags at the feel of that first rope of cum hitting the back of his throat. His eyes water and he struggles to keep his lips sealed tight, but Cas' hips buck forward and Dean pulls back with a quiet cough. He sniffs gently and sits back, looking up at his breathless lover.

Another knock and Balthazar's voice is urgent, "Two minutes, boys. Wrap it up." Dean chuckles and stands, wiping at his face with his discarded shirt while Cas pulls his scrub pants up, tying the drawstring with shaky fingers. Dean cleans up their mess and disposes of the trash, easing his jeans shut with a smile. When he's presentable, Castiel pulls the door open and gasps when he sees Balthazar standing there. The blonde doctor looks between the two of them and clucks thoughtfully; he holds up a piece of gum, offering it to Dean after another cluck of his tongue.

Green-eyes widen and he asks, "How did you…?"

Balthazar smirks and leans in, "Your eyes are all red and your nose is runny."

Dean wipes at his nose with the shirt in his hand, giving Cas a look. They both smirk at each other and then turn towards Balthazar. Whatever either of them was about to say dies at the sound of the first ambulance arriving. Dean presses a kiss to Cas' lips and tells him, "Love you, baby."

Castiel smiles, but with the appearance of the first stretcher, he's back into doctor mode. Dean watches both men for a second, admiring how well they work together and then makes his way out to the Impala.


	19. Call Your Brother, Dean

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

******Chapter Notes:** Quotes are from Christina Perri's Jar of Hearts

* * *

**Chapter 19 - Call Your Brother, Dean**

"_I know I can't take one more step towards you_

_Cause all that's waiting is regret_

_And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore_

_You lost the love I loved the most"_

"Sorry about today. I don't know what came over me." Dean's words are quiet, almost shy. His head is in Castiel's lap, green eyes looking anywhere but his lover's face. Cas' left hand is curled over the top of his head. Both of Dean's hands are holding Castiel's right hand in a loose grip, their fingers resting on his chest.

"No need to apologize, love. You thought I was in danger and your instincts kicked in. It's perfectly normal to react…badly when someone you love is threatened." Dean squeezes Cas' hand and nods. Castiel gently probes to ask, "What did…to get you that worried, what did he say?"

Dean swallows hard and finally looks up to meet Cas' gaze. "He…I went to visit him at the firehouse. I shouldn't have, but I wanted to see him somewhere public…somewhere he couldn't make a scene. If I'd asked him to meet me, he'd have taken it as a date and I…I didn't want him thinking that." Castiel nods in understanding, not saying anything, just…_sitting there_; trusting that Dean will speak when ready. "He still acted like I was there to ask him out. Tried to hug me, said some shit…when he tried to grab me, I reacted…I just," he takes a deep breath and blows it out, "I pushed him up against the lockers and…" Dean feels Castiel's body stiffen under him and he's quick to reassure him, "No, baby…not like that. I put him in a submission hold and he…he mentioned visiting you _again_. Suddenly it wasn't about getting him to leave me alone, it was about me finding you and making sure you were okay."

Cas' thumb in rubbing soothing circles on his naked chest and the next question is choked with emotion, "You were worried he'd hurt me?" Dean nods and turns to nuzzle into Castiel's t-shirt clad belly. "You barged in to make sure I was okay?"

Dean's answer is muffled, "Yes."

Castiel's apprehensive, but he still asks, "What did you think he'd done, Dean?"

"I didn't know!" Dean sits up and moves to straddle the other man's lap, hands cradling his face, "Jeff can be…volatile. He's…impulsive and I was just worried. I was scared he might have hurt you. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you…I'd…"

"Shhhhh…I've fine, love. I'm right here." Castiel reaches up, hands fisting in Dean's short hair, tugging gently, "See? I'm real and I'm not going anywhere. If that possessive little shit wants to start something, let him." Cas shrugs casually, "Let the jealous queen just try and get between us. You're mine and I'm not giving you up."

Dean swallows hard, more than a little shocked by the heat in Castiel's words. "Damn, Cas, I didn't think you could get any hotter. I love how you keep surprising me, baby."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"_I hear you're asking all around if I am anywhere to be found_

_But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms_

_I learned to live half alive and now you want me one more time"_

Dean hears his cell phone ringing and groans, reaching a hand out from under the covers towards the nightstand. His fingers curl around the phone and Cas takes it from his hand, whispering into his ear, "Shhh, go back to sleep. I'll get it."

He feels a kiss between his shoulders and smiles, nuzzling the pillow, happily mumbling, "M'kay. If it's work, tell 'em I'm dead."

Castiel chuckles and rolls out of bed, lifting the ringing phone to his ear, "Dean's phone." There's a beat of silence and then, "He's otherwise engaged, may I take a message?" Dean smiles at the formality of his boyfriend's answer. He hears the bedroom door close and from the other side of the door, a muffled, _"Yes, this is 'his doctor friend.' Why do you ask?"_

Dean is up and out of the bed in a hurry, tripping over his feet in his haste to get into the hallway. Castiel's voice is retreating towards the living room when Dean finally gets out of the bedroom. "I believe he told you to stop calling." Dean rushes over and reaches out to take the cellphone but Cas shakes his head, a hand coming up to wrap around his wrist. Dean tries again, but he's evaded again. Castiel frowns briefly at whatever Jeff says and lifts a single finger up in a clear Don't-You-Dare gesture. Their eyes lock and a steely tone that sounds nothing like the quiet doctor Dean loves mutters, "Jeffrey, I recommend you find some other way to pass the time. Dean's moved on. I suggest you do the same." With that said, Cas hangs up and holds the phone out for him to take.

"I…w…heh," Dean is speechless; he palms the phone with a laugh and ducks his head, free hand coming up to rub at the back of his neck. He licks his lips and chuckles again, words still eluding him. When he looks up, it's to find the normally docile Castiel smirking, his eyes pointedly taking in Dean's nakedness. The ringing phone is jarring in the silence and he's still looking at Cas when he answers with a curt, "Winchester."

"_Oh good, __**you**__ answered and not that prissy little fucker." _Dean clenches his jaw and is about to say something when Jeff whines, _"Why is he always answering your phone, Dean? I just want to talk to you. Is he really that insecure that he doesn't want you to __**talk**__ to me?" _

Dean quirks a brow when Castiel kneels, taking his semi-erect penis into the warmth of that talented mouth, "Jeffrey, I've told you more than once, stop calling." The feel of those lips wrapped around him is Heaven and Dean can't believe he tells his ex, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a rather nice mouth that I need to fill with cum. Goodbye."

Cas pulls back and laughs, hand stroking gently, lips teasing over the spit-shiny tip. Those lovely blue eyes are sparkling with delight and Dean nearly spills to his knees when the barest edge of teeth scrapes over that sensitive ridge of skin. "You're going to fill my mouth? Correction, you '_need_' to fill up my '_rather nice mouth_' up with cum?"

Dean nods and reaches down to card a hand through his lover's hair, a smile curling his lip, "I do. You have a problem with that, doc?" Castiel shakes his head slowly, lips sliding over the head of his dick. "Good. Shall we go to the bedroom or are you-"

That's as far as Dean gets because Cas chooses that exact moment to work his lips down in a practiced move. He's lucky the wall is so close or he'd be nursing a rather spectacular bruise from hitting the floor. As it is, his shoulders slam back into the wall when Castiel deep-throats him, tongue easing out to lap at his balls. Dean fights to keep from thrusting and whimpers when Cas works his lips up, hand stroking up after them.

The phone rings, _yet_ _again_, and Dean snarls, "I said stop calling me, you little prick." His mouth drops open as Castiel swallows him down again, eyes crossing in pleasure. Dean winces when his head impacts the wall behind him.

From the other end of the line comes a confused, _"Dean?"_

His answer is strained, "Oh hey, Sammy…can I c-c-call you b-uh…oh sweet..."

"_Holy shit, Dean…are you having sex?" _

Dean can only manage a weak 'no' before Castiel reaches up and takes the phone. He calmly declares in a hoarse voice, "Samuel, he'll call you back. I can't promise how coherent he'll be, though. I'm about to suck his brain out through his cock." There's a horrified _'CAS!'_ from the phone and then Castiel is flinging the cellphone across the floor, mouth back around him. The rest of the world falls away as Castiel does indeed try sucking Dean's brains out through his cock.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"_It took so long just to feel alright_

_Remember how to put back the light in my eyes"_

Castiel's fingers are tracing over his face, an expression of awe gracing his features. Dean's not used to such scrutiny, so he squirms, embarrassed. Castiel whispers, "I love your eyes." Dean blushes and stares at his boyfriend, a stupid grin on his face. "They're the most stunning shade of green." Cas presses a kiss to his lips then resumes his inspection, "Your freckles are outstanding as well." This time Dean laughs and his eyes drift shut when Castiel's fingers move to trace over his cheeks and eyelids. "Why do you laugh?"

Dean's faux-pouting when he answers, "Because I hate my freckles. They make me look ten years old."

It's Castiel's turn to laugh, "Honey…there's not an inch of your body that makes you look ten years old. Trust me. Even when you're pouting those positively delectable, edible lips of yours, you look all man." Cas sucks his bottom lip, gently biting at it. The act makes Dean moan, a tiny giggle bubbling up. "Even that cute little sex-giggle of yours is full of adult goodness."

Dean pulls back with a snort, this time pouting for real, "I am not cute."

Cas tugs him back with a grin and nods, assuring him, "Yes, you are. An extremely cute motherfucker." He leans in as if confiding a secret, eyes shifting furtively left and right before telling him, "…and you're mine." Dean blushes again and mouths 'always' against Castiel's lips. "Always?" He nods; green eyes alight with glee. "Hmm…I think I'm going to hold you to that, Mr. Winchester."

The answering, "Please do, Dr. Novak," is spoken into a kiss, tongue mapping out the crevices of the doctor's mouth. Their foreheads stay pressed together after the kiss, both of them breathless and dizzy. When Castiel quirks a brow to ask him if they're ever getting out of bed, Dean states calmly, "We _did_ get out of bed remember?" He levels a playfully reproachful glare on his blue-eyed companion, "It's _your_ fault we came back."

Cas gasps in mock-disbelief, jaw agape, "You're bitching about the sex?"

"I never said that, baby. Just…don't complain that we're still in bed at," Dean lifts his head and glances towards the nightstand, "almost ten in the morning when you had just as much input into this morning's activities as I did." Castiel snickers and bites his jawline causing Dean to pull back with a laugh, "Stop! If you do that we'll _NEVER_ get out of bed and Sam will send a search party, catch us naked in bed, sweaty and rutting like sex maniacs. He has a key, baby…he'll just walk right in and…" Cas sucks a patch of his skin and Dean groans, breathily mumbling, "Sweet Baby Jesus! I love your mouth."

Castiel shifts until his chin is resting atop his folded hands, both of them spanning the width of Dean's chest, "So lets get out of bed, I'll make you breakfast and you can call the search party off. Maybe he had something important to tell you."

The wiggle of Cas' eyebrows makes Dean suspicious enough to ask, "Hey…what do you know?" Castiel shrugs and rolls over, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and heading towards the master bathroom. Dean sits up and yells after his retreating figure, "Castiel James Novak! Get back in here!" He's halfway to the door when it's shut and the lock is clicked into place. Dean's jaw drops and he slams his open palm on the wooden surface, "Open the door, Castiel."

Cas' voice is muffled through the door, serenely urging, "Call your brother, Dean."

Dean squints and turns on his heel, stalking through the apartment completely naked. He bends to retrieve his phone and dials Sam's number. When his call goes to voicemail, he tries his brother's office. The receptionist quickly routes him to Sam's office and his brother barely gets out his greeting, before Dean is blurting, "What does Cas know that I don't, Sammy?"

"_Good morning, Dean. I'm glad Castiel didn't suck your brains out…your manners though, those didn't survive."_

"Sammy!" Dean's voice is laced with exasperation. "Quit being a li'l shit and tell me."

His brother's laugh is heartfelt and it takes him a bit to calm down enough to speak again, _"He doesn't know…you're the first one I called, jerk. All he suspects is because I asked for his help beforehand."_

"SAMMY!" Dean's voice is a strangled yell, "Will you please quit with the cryptic?! Just fucking spill, you little bitch!"

"_Okay, okay! I uh…I asked Jess to marry me."_ Dean's eyes widen and he looks up to watch Castiel move down the hall towards him with a wicked little grin on his lips. He stops in front of him, head tilted expectantly. Dean hears Sam take a deep breath before finally saying, _"…and she said yes, Dean." _His brother's voice is shaky when he whispers, _"I'm getting married, dude."_

Cas is watching him, hand gesturing to hurry up and say something. Dean holds up a hand for Castiel to high-five and practically shrieks, "Holy shit, Sammy! Congrats!" Cas slaps his palm and Dean's laughing, happiness radiating off him. "Oh my God, dude…that's awesome. I'm so fucking happy for you."

He can hear Sam's grin through the phone, _"I was calling to ask you to be my best man, Dean. It would mean a lot to me, really."_

"Oh, Sammy…" Dean can't believe there are tears in his eyes when he answers, "…of course I'll be your best man. No question." Cas reaches up to wipe Dean's tears, kissing him briefly, "I'm so happy for you."

"_You said that already."_

"Shut up, bitch…Ever think that I'm _that_ happy you found someone to take your ugly mug off my hands?"

Someone speaks in the background, cutting off Sam's laughter, _"Hey, uh…I gotta go. I have a conference call in five minutes. Dinner this Friday, my fiancé…"_ Sam giggles, he freaking giggles, _"wants you two to meet her folks."_

"Sure thing, Sammy. See you then." Dean hangs up and says in wonder, "My baby brother's getting married."

Castiel hugs him and whispers into his hair, "Mmmhmm, he is. Congrats, Best Man."


	20. Love Is A Crazy Thing

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

******Chapter Notes:** Opening quote is altered slightly from ZZ Top's Sharp Dressed Man. Chapter title and second quote is from P!nk's song with the same name.

* * *

**Chapter 20 - Love Is A Crazy Thing**

"_They come runnin' just as fast as they can_

_Coz' every guy's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man."_

"Blerghh…do I _have_ to wear a tie?" Dean's fully aware that he's whining, but he doesn't care. He hates slacks. He hates dress shirts, but most importantly? Dean fucking hates ties. They're an invention of the Devil, put on the Earth to make men suffer. He stares down at the offensive object and scowls petulantly, causing Cas to smirk.

"Yes, Dean. You must wear a tie." His boyfriend's voice is calmly chastising and Dean heaves a full sigh at the answer. Castiel is straightening the aforementioned article of clothing, because Dean only haphazardly fastened the Windsor knot. It's not like he thought Cas would actually let him leave the apartment like that, because that would be completely unacceptable. Castiel's mouth is turned down at the corners as he fixes it. He tugs on the tie and scolds, "Dean Winchester will you kindly please stop fidgeting?!"

Dean pouts at the reprimand, but does as he's told. He crosses both arms over his chest, causing Cas to give an exasperated huff, pausing only to guide Dean's arms down to his sides. The elder Winchester whines, yet again, "This is _stupid_! Why do _I _have to wear the tie? _He's_ the one marrying their daughter! Not me!"

Castiel gently explains, _yet again_, "Because, you're the best man. Don't you want to make a good impression, love?" Dean nods reluctantly. Cas smiles tightly and muses, "If left to your own devices I'm pretty sure you'd show up in jeans and a t-shirt." Dean makes a face and Cas raises a brow, challenging him to deny it. He honestly can't, but Dean's been to this particular restaurant before and it's fairly casual. It does, however, have a nicer upstairs atmosphere and Castiel assures him that a wonderful occasion, like say, meeting one's future-in-laws, would warrant the more formal dining area upstairs. He adjusts the tie one last time and then tugs him forward, silencing whatever comeback Dean would have made with a kiss.

It's a quick, close-mouthed kiss, but it does the job. When Cas releases him, Dean is grinning stupidly. He ducks his head, taking a deep breath and successfully fighting the urge to tug at the collar of his shirt. Castiel sees the impulse flicker over his features and smiles at him when he resists it. Dean's voice is almost timid when he says, "I love you."

Cas smiles back, smoothing the dark gray tie down the front of his black pinstripe shirt. "I love you too, Whiny. If it's any consolation, you look very handsome." Castiel chuckles at the blush that immediately flares over Dean's cheeks. "Why do you always blush when I pay you a compliment, love? You know you're attractive. I've told you that many times, others have told you and then there are the countless many admirers. Yet you blush every time I remind you of that fact."

Dean shrugs and straightens Cas' already perfect tie, the act simply something to do with his hands. "I'm not used to the attention," Castiel makes a unimpressed face and Dean amends, "Fine. I'm not used to getting compliments, okay? They make me uncomfortable. Contrary to popular belief…I'm shy. I just…" again, Dean shrugs, sighing softly.

Castiel smiles, voice quiet, "I know, love. You prefer to be oblivious to your rather impressive charms." Cas takes a step back and just looks at him, groaning dramatically, "Unnnff." Dean chuckles and steps forward to brush lips over his boyfriend's ear. "Shall we go? Wouldn't want to be late for this dinner."

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

Dinner is more fun than either Dean or Castiel expected. Jessica's parents are unbelievably laid-back and friendly. Dean hadn't been sure how they would take the whole 'the best man's gay' bombshell, but they were surprisingly unfazed. The group had eaten at a small steakhouse within walking distance from Sam's place. The only complaint Dean had was the utter lack of pie on the restaurant's menu. Time had flown by and before they knew it, dinner was over and everyone was heading home.

Castiel had been eye-fucking Dean all night and the policeman knew that as soon they got back to his place, the clothes were going to be ripped off of him. There was, however, a huge traffic accident on the expressway and their progression towards said sexual activity was currently hampered. Dean had lost the tie as soon as they were in the Impala and the top two buttons of his shirt are now undone. He felt more relaxed, more…him. Cas, on the other hand, is still in his tie and vest. The only concession to comfort he's granted himself is folding the sleeves up to his elbows. Dean smiles and shakes his head; only Castiel could pull off wearing a vest. From beside him, Cas asks, "What?"

Dean reaches across the seat and squeezes his knee, "Nothing, baby. I was just thinking that you're one of the few people that can pull off that vest." He risks a glance over and smiles at him.

Castiel looks down at himself and makes a small sound. "I…w-what do you mean?" His eyes widen and he grumbles, "Dean! I would think that if it wasn't appropriate, you'd have said something before I made a fool of myself."

"Baby, you didn't make a fool of yourself. You look amazing. I was just making an observation." Dean squeezes his boyfriend's knee once more, "I love how you look in it, especially because most of your clothes are like two sizes to big. The vest brings attention to that hot little yoga body of yours." He wiggles his brows lecherously and licks his lips.

Cas blushes and straightens the front of the black vest, reaching up to loosen the striped red tie just enough to undo the first button of the grey shirt. "Now you're just teasing me." Dean shakes his head and moves ahead in the lane. Castiel's voice is barely audible as he explains, "I like the vests…they're another layer between me and the world. I just…"

Dean turns to stare, "Cas, I'm not teasing you. I love how you look in them. Honest." The car behind then honks and Dean flips them off, turning his attention back to the road, moving a whole _two feet_ forward in traffic. He extends his right hand across the seat and squeezes Castiel's fingers when the doctor takes it. "I love you, Novak, no matter what you wear. If you wanted to walk around in a jeweled bra and feathered headdress, I'd still love you."

Cas laughs (which is exactly the reaction Dean wanted) and lifts their hands up to kiss Dean's fingers, "Thank you, bug." Dean nods and the rest of the trip home is spent in comfortable silence.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

It's another thirty minutes before they make it back to Dean's apartment. By the time Dean pulls into his parking spot, Cas has been cupping the front of his slacks for nearly fifteen minutes, thumb rubbing up and down the line of his erection through the material. The second the Impala's in park, both men are hurrying across the courtyard and into the apartment building. They forgo the elevator in lieu racing up the three flights of stairs. The couple barely makes it inside before Castiel is on his knees, going to town. There is something to be said about climaxing in your entryway, keys still in one hand and pants only partway down your thighs.

Dean leaning against the front door, trying to catch his breath while Cas is on the floor, looking exceedingly comfortable in a backbend that would put a crick in Dean's shoulders. He pulls up his slacks and only half-fastens them before easing to his knees next to Castiel. Dean's hand settles on the inside of his left knee and slowly makes its way upward, "How can you be so relaxed in that position?"

Castiel's eyes are locked on Dean's face, his voice that post-fellatio hoarse, "I can't explain it. I just am. The years of yoga have vastly improved my flexibility." His words die off when Dean's hand forgoes his crotch to skim over his left hip instead. Cas' nostrils are flaring with each breath and Dean enjoys just how shaky his boyfriend's voice gets as the hand moves higher still, along his side and up towards his chest. "I t-think that yoga would help with your shoulder mobility as well. You c-could," Castiel pauses to swallow a moan, "c-come with m-me to my n-next class. If you'd like."

Dean makes a non-committal noise and loosens Cas' tie, pulling the knot free and then begins slipping the buttons of the vest open, hands easing the garment aside. He shifts to settle just above Castiel's head, slowly unbuttoning his lover's shirt. Cas raises his arms and curls them around Dean's body. The buttons are quickly undone and Dean parts the gray shirt to reveal the skin underneath. "I ever tell you just how much I love your body?" He's leaning over, brushing lips over Castiel's chest. He feels rather than sees the headshake and smiles, because he knows for a fact that he has and Cas is just being a brat. Dean tilts his head and rains light kisses over alabaster skin. He flicks his tongue over first one nipple then the other, watching Castiel arch up with a moan.

"Dean…"

"Shhh, baby." His words are spoken over Cas' sternum, the smile clearly audible in his voice, "I'm gonna take care of you, my beautiful doctor." Dean closes his mouth over one of Castiel's nipples and sucks gently, strumming over the other with his thumb.

His boyfriend whines softly, hands clenching on the material of Dean's slacks, "You do. You take very," a hitched breath interrupts his train of thought. Cas' head is rolling side to side on the floor, a fine trembling coursing through him.

Dean lifts his head and coaxes gently, "I what?"

"You t-take very good care of me." A gasp rips out of him when Dean nips the pebbled peak in his mouth, gently twisting its mate. "So good." He's not sure if Castiel is still talking about how well Dean takes care of him, but it doesn't matter. All that matters right this second is working the leather belt loose, then the slacks and finally slipping a hand under the black boxer briefs. The noise Cas makes when Dean's hand curls around him is a cross between sob and laugh. An experimental tug and he repeats the sound, whimpering for more. Dean is more than eager to comply. The hand job is slow, deliberate and by the time Castiel orgasms, he's babbling incoherently.

Dean stands up and makes his way to the master bathroom, running warm water in the sink before grabbing a pair of washcloths. He soaks one, wringing it out gently and then heads back. Cas is still sprawled on the floor, looking utterly debauched. His slacks are shoved down just enough to keep the zipper from catching on sensitive areas, shirt and vest open and pooling beneath him on the floor, tie ends up around his head. A self-conscious voice mumbles, "You're staring."

"Mmm yeah. I was just thinking how gorgeous you look." Dean kneels beside him and uses the warm washcloth to gently wipe at Castiel's belly and lower chest. He gets a happy moan when he passes it lower, hand cradling Cas' balls before carefully drying the same areas. "Ready for bed, baby?"

"After the carbs at dinner and that lovely orgasm, oh yea. I think I could sleep for a week. Very glad I don't work this weekend. We can sleep in." Dean chuckles and stands, holding a hand out for his boyfriend to take. He pulls him up and steadies him when Cas stumbles. "Oh wait…you work tomorrow." Dean nods and grins when Castiel pouts. "Please tell me it's not a double, _again_."

"No, baby…it's not a double. I'm off at four so we can still do dinner and movie night if you want." Cas smiles and nods, wrapping an arm around his waist as they head down the hallway towards the bedroom. Dean falls asleep with Castiel tucked under his chin, arms holding him against his chest, face completely at peace.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

Dean is in weapons cleaning when he's paged overhead, _"Winchester to Sally Port one, you have a visitor. Winchester to Sally Port one, you have a visitor." _He frowns and sets the Mossberg down, wiping his hands on a rag and tossing it onto the table. No one has ever visited him at work so it's a bit of a surprise when he walks into the sally port to see House standing there, hands in the pockets of his jeans. If Dean didn't know any better, he'd say the man looked nervous.

"House, everything okay?"

The fireman looks up and moves to meet him halfway, "Hey, Chesty. Yea, everything's fine. I was wondering if maybe we could grab some lunch or something? There are a few things I wanted to discuss with you."

Dean squints and nods, jerking a thumb back towards the cage, "Just let me grab my stuff. You can ride with me, I'll drop you here if we get called out." House nods and waves to the officer behind the weapons cage while Dean signs out a unit. The two men are heading out when Dean calls back to one of his teammates, "Hey, Lewis! Be back in thirty, I'm gonna grab some lunch. I've got my pager." Officer Lewis nods and waves.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"So, what's up that I warranted a visit, House?"

"It's about, Jeff." Dean takes a sip of his water and nods, having figured as much. "He's out of control, man. I just…He was really happy with you, you know. Two years ago, I have reason to believe that he let his family push him to be someone he's not, someone he had no chance of ever being. I think subconsciously…he screwed up what he had with you to avoid making that choice. I'm not making excuses for what he did, but…he changed after you guys broke up."

Dean leans back in the chair, fingers toying with his silverware. "I never spoke to him after that day. I left my keys on his coffee table and didn't look back. I'll forgive a lot, but cheating…that's one of my hard limits. I can't…" he blows out a breath and shakes his head.

"I know. That's not something many people would forgive. He was fine for a while after that. I don't think he realized what he'd done until that girl left him for someone else. It hit him…_hard_. Then about a year ago, he met this guy, Steven. Two weeks with him and he was Jeff again. He was happy, back to normal. It was nice seeing him be himself." Dean smiles, sincerely happy for his ex. House takes a breath and just like that, Dean knows what's coming, "Then two months ago, Steve was killed in a house fire."

"Oh God…don't tell me-"

He squeezes his eyes shut when the fireman nods sadly. "We responded to the call…none of us knew he was in that house. If we had," House's voice cracks and a single tear slides down his cheek, "Chesty…if we'd known, we never would have let him go in there. Jeff's the one that found him, halfway down the hall. It was…so…"

Dean sits forward and clasps a hand around the fireman's neck, "I can't imagine what he must have gone through. Finding him like that." He thinks back to the day the domestic disturbance call came in and how frantic he was. It must have been horrible for his ex to find the man he loved dead, halfway to safety.

"He did CPR for twenty minutes, Chesty…even though he was already dead when we got there. It was heartbreaking to see him like that. Yelling…pleading…just," House sniffs loudly and clears his throat. "It broke him. He just recently came back to work and he's been so focused on finding you, contacting you, convincing you to take him back that I started to wonder…"

"What, House?"

"He got your number from someone at the department. I don't remember who gave it to him, but when he found out you were seeing someone, he was livid. Like you'd betrayed him by moving on. He's become obsessed with finding out who the guy was, what he did, where he worked. I told the department shrink, but she assured me that her sessions with Jeff were going well. That he was adjusting at a 'normal pace' and that I should just keep an eye on him. But, the night we ended up at St. Joe's with one of our men…Dr. Novak was the doctor in the ED."

Dean's eyes widen and he lifts his water glass, draining it quickly. He smiles at the waitress when she refills it and turns back to House. The fireman doesn't speak until the waitress is gone again.

"Jeff was in flirt mode, big time. He pulled out all the stops on your boyfriend. Almost as if he was trying to find something wrong with him, some flaw that you'd be furious over. Dr. Novak loves you whole-heartedly, though. You can tell by the way he politely turned Jeff down in a very non-threatening way. Even though it was obvious he was uncomfortable with the attention, he wasn't rude at all. I was impressed." Dean can imagine just how uneasy Castiel must have been. "What's his name? Your doc, I mean."

"Cas," Dean clears his throat and clarifies, "His name's Castiel."

"He's a good man, Dean. He was amazing with our guy…Jacob's is terrified of needles, but Cas calmed him down and stitched him up without Jacob needing a sedative. It was…nice, ya know? To see a doctor with a bedside manner like that. Most people tease Jacob about his needle fear but not Cas. He's cool. I like him. Which is why I'm telling you all this. So you can…keep an eye on him. I'm not saying Jeff would do anything, but…I'd hate to be wrong."

Dean nods, promising to do just that. House smiles and the two pay their check and head back to the station. He's in the middle of dialing Castiel's number, when their team is called out. Dean sends a quick text to Cas and doesn't have time to for much else.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"_Baby I think of you, I wanna be with you. _

_I don't understand, is this love for real?_

_You see, I dream of you...every night and day._

_I don't understand, is this love for real?"_

It's almost five o'clock before Dean pulls into the parking lot and he's tired. His shoulder is sore and he can't wait to take a shower. He frowns when he doesn't see Castiel's car in his visitor spot and dials his phone. The line rings four times and then goes to voicemail. Dean stares down at the screen as if that will make a difference and hangs up. He's waiting for the elevator when Cas calls him back, "Hey, you. I thought you were screening my calls." Castiel chuckles on the other end. Dean gets in the elevator and presses the button for the third floor, "I just got in the elevator so I'm gonna lose you, see you soon."

True to form the call drops the second the doors shut and the elevator begins its ascent. He's halfway to his door when the cell phone rings. The hallway smells amazing and he grins when he realizes the smell is coming from his apartment. He's unlocking the door when he answers, "I'm right outside the door, baby. You couldn't wait two seconds? Dinner smells amazing by the way."

Dean pushes the front door shut and drops his bag next to the desk, surprised when Castiel doesn't hang up. His boyfriend's voice is confused when he speaks, "I'm not at your apartment, Dean. I was calling to tell you I got a flat tire and was running late getting back from the store."

Dean freezes and drops the phone, hand reaching for his gun as he spins towards the sound of Jeffrey's voice, "Good, you're home. I made dinner, baby."


	21. I'm Bleeding Out Inside

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

******Chapter Notes: **Opening quote and chapter title is from P!nk's It's All Your Fault. Second quote's from Christina Perri's Jar Of Hearts.

* * *

**Chapter 21 - I'm Bleeding Out Inside**

"_It's all your fault. You called me beautiful_

_You turned me out and now I can't turn back_

_I hold my breath, because you were perfect_

_But I'm running out of air and it's not fair"_

Dean is holding the gun aimed at the floor, standing maybe ten feet from his ex. He tries to keep his voice calm and hopefully he succeeds. "Jeffrey, how did you get in here?"

Jeff smiles and shrugs, "I still had my key. You never asked me to give it back. I'd forgotten all about it…and then I was going through old boxes…and found it. It was like a sign, you know? A sign I should give you a chance to apologize for leaving. I was so devastated when you left. You never gave me a chance to explain. If you'd only stayed, I could have told you I brought her home for both of us."

Dean sighs, "Jeff, I'm gay. Nothing about that woman would have interested me."

Jeffrey scoffs and rolls his eyes, "That's what I thought too, but once I got past the whole Not-Having-A-Dick thing, I got into it. You could have too, if you'd only given me a chance to explain, but you left and then wouldn't even talk to me. Why were you so cruel to me Dean?"

"Plain and simple? You cheated on me! Regardless of _why_ you might have brought her home, the truth of the matter is…you cheated. If she was supposed to be for us both, why didn't you talk to me first? Why'd I have to walk into that?"

Jeff takes a step toward him and Dean raises the gun slightly, causing him to stop, "But you never let me explain. I was miserable! I had to make do with her until she left me for someone else! All I wanted was you, but you wouldn't even see me!"

Dean has always thought that was Karma's way of rewarding Jeffrey for cheating on _him_, but he wisely doesn't say that. What he does say instead is, "I couldn't see you! You broke my heart, Jeff. I hated you for so long that if I had seen you I would have done…something that I couldn't take back. I figured it better to just avoid you altogether."

"But I'm here now, Dean. I'll take you back. I still love you, you know."

Dean squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head, "No you don't, Jeff. You love the idea of us. If you ever really loved me you never would have done that to me. People don't cheat on the ones they love. Not under any circumstances."

"I said I was sorry! Why won't you accept that?!"

Dean clenches his jaw and takes a step back, raising the gun another few inches when Jeff advances on him. "Don't." His ex pouts and takes another step. Dean's voice is strained when he begs, "Don't make me shoot you, Jeffrey. Please."

"That would fix everything huh? I thought about it, you know…ending it all." Jeffrey's voice is conversational, even as he drops that horrifying little bombshell. The comment hits too close to home for Dean and his grip on the weapon falters slightly. "I was so," Jeff sniffs quietly and backs up a step, "unhappy. My life was falling apart. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and then I met this wonderful man. I was…it was a miracle. Steven helped me get better and I loved him. Not as much as I loved you, of course, but enough…enough for the memory of you to not hurt anymore." His face twists and he snarls, "and then he went and died on me."

"I'm sorry you're alone, Jeff…I really am, but I'm not the one for you. Not anymore. You need to find someone that makes you happy."

"But _**you**_ made me happy, Dean. You're perfect…_**we're**_ perfect for each other. I was stupid to cheat on you. I realize that now." Jeffrey reaches up to wipe the tears from his eyes and smiles at him, turning to head back into the kitchen. "Come on, Dean. I made your favorite. Go put your gun in the safe so we can eat."

Dean stares after him in disbelief, "Jeffrey…I need you to listen to me."

He makes a move to follow him and pauses when Jeff turns to face him, eyes hard. The fireman is holding the wine corkscrew, brandishing it like a weapon and his voice is deathly quiet, "No, you listen. I said to put the gun away and come have dinner. I won't have you sitting down at the dinner table with that…_thing_ in your hand." Dean watches the anger drain from his ex's face and swallows hard, mind racing. He needs to find a way to diffuse the situation without getting either of them hurt. Dean's only consolation is that Castiel wasn't home when Jeffrey let himself in.

"Okay, Jeff. I'll put it away."

Dean holds up his hands and heads to the living room, fully intending to call for backup when Jeff speaks again, "Your gun safe is in the bedroom, silly. Where are you going?"

He turns to face him and smiles, hopefully believably enough to pass for genuine, "I was going to put my gear away. I remember you hate it when I leave my stuff lying around."

His ex cocks his head curiously, much like Castiel does and then nods, "Okay. Here, I'll put your phone to charge while we eat." He bends to grab the phone and Dean clenches his jaw, all his instincts screaming at him to just subdue Jeff without worrying what kind of bodily harm it might cause.

Dean grabs his duffle bag and hurries down the hallway, tossing the bag on the bed. He puts the gun at the small of his back and unzips the bag, grabbing his handcuffs and shoving them in the back pocket of his jeans. A second later, he's pulling his t-shirt off and replacing it with a much looser one, something that will hide the gun tucked into the jeans.

He's walking down the hall when he hears Jeffrey speaking to someone. Dean can only assume it is Castiel on the other end of the line, "We're about to sit down for dinner so I'd appreciate it if you'd stop calling, doctor." The sound of Cas' shouting voice is cut off when Jeff hangs up. "Wow…he has a mouth on him, that one. So rude. He threatened to show up here with the cops." Jeff rolls his eyes and then smiles up at him. Dean feels his whole body go ice cold. Cas is undoubtedly on his way here _right now_. He'll probably arrive at any second and that's what makes the decision for Dean. When Jeff holds out a plate for him to take, he forces another smile and suggests, "How about you take the plates and I'll grab the bottle of wine?"

Jeffrey nods and walks into the dining room, putting both plates down. He goes to move around the table towards his seat and Dean comes up behind him, putting both is hands on Jeff's shoulders and kicks out his back leg, tugging him off balance. He sweeps his left arm down and pivots his hip, his right arm guiding Jeff facedown onto the floor. Dean lowers his left knee onto his ex's shoulder blade and reaches for his handcuffs, snapping it over Jeff's left wrist and then moving to fasten it around the right. The whole move takes less that a few seconds and Jeffrey's in restraints before he even realizes what's going on. Once he does though, he's exceedingly vocal, cussing and screaming at him.

Dean grabs his cell phone and calls dispatch to send a unit to pick up Jeff. The officers are walking him to the marked unit when Cas pulls into the parking lot. He doesn't even park; just leaves his car in the middle of the aisle and rushes towards them, the door of the vehicle hanging open. Dean steps forward, assuming Cas is going to fuss over him. He's astonished when Castiel moves to where the cops are instead, fisting a hand into the center of Jeffrey's shirt. The two patrolmen look over at Dean, blatant shock on their faces. Dean has to physically pull Cas away from where Jeff is being put into the back of the squad car. Castiel is furious, shouting at the top of his lungs, "You little shit! Be glad I wasn't home, asshole! If you hurt him in any way, I fucking kill you! Motherfucker!"

"Cas…Cas," Dean has his left arm around Cas' chest and his right hand is holding onto his right wrist. Castiel is struggling to get free and Dean could easily subdue him but he doesn't want to hurt the doctor. He has to repeat his boyfriend's name several times to get him to stop ranting at the man sitting in the backseat of the police car. "Castiel…CASTIEL!" Dean waits until Cas is looking at him before he releases him from the hold.

"Dean, are you okay? Did he hurt you? Oh God, I was so worried. When I heard his voice, I panicked and and and…"

Castiel's eyes fill with tears and Dean cups both hands on his face, soothing him gently, "Shh, baby…I'm fine. He didn't hurt me. I'm perfectly okay. I'm fine. See?" He holds his arms out to the sides and spins in a slow circle for Cas to inspect him. "Completely unharmed." Dean wraps his arms around him and cups a hand to the back of his head, "I'm alright, baby." Castiel body shakes with a sob and Dean hugs him tighter.

One of the other tenants comes up and hands him the keys to Cas' car, having parked it in Dean's visitor spot. He smiles a thanks and she nods, heading inside with a small wave. It takes a few minutes for Castiel to calm down enough to release him, hand coming up to wipe at his nose. He looks around and blushes profusely, "Ugh…I'm sorry I embarrassed you. I just…"

Dean shuts him up with a kiss, both hands framing the sides of his face, "You didn't embarrass me. It was actually kinda hot, baby. The way you raced in here to save me?"

Castiel shoves at him and mutters through his tears, "Shut up. Jerk." Dean laughs and hugs him again. He has to strain to hear his whispered, "I was so scared."

"I know, Cassanova, I know. How about we go in, okay?"

Castiel nods and starts walking then turns back around, "I forgot…I uh, have stuff in the trunk of my car that needs to come inside." Dean hands over the car keys and follows behind him.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

It's forty-five minutes later and Cas is still cleaning, insisting he needs to remove all traces of Dean's ex from the apartment. When they'd come inside, he'd immediately thrown out the food Jeff made and poured the bottle of wine down the sink. The dishes had gone into the dishwasher and he'd scoured the pots and pans furiously. Then he'd scrubbed down the stove, counter, bar and finally the sink. Dean had initially tried to get Castiel to stop, but had finally just offered to help. He's currently mopping the kitchen while Cas cleans the small dining room.

Dining room finally clean, Castiel stops and looks around happily, "There. Doesn't that look better?" Dean nods and puts the mop into the bucket, leaning on it casually. "I should get started on dinner. I was going to make-"

"Cas," blue eyes look at him curiously, "How about we order in? Maybe Chinese food? I really don't want to spend any more time in these two rooms." He gestures vaguely towards the kitchen and dining room.

Castiel looks at him and presses his lips together with a nod, "I hadn't even thought of how you might feel. I'm sorry, Dean." He holds a hand out to him and Dean takes it, letting Cas pull him into the living room, "Moo-shu pork and fried rice?"

Dean smiles and leans to kiss Castiel's ear, "I was actually thinking of getting whatever it was you bought last time. It had those little cubes in it." He demonstrates the size of the food with his index finger and thumb. "It was kinda spicy?"

Cas stares at him in shock, "The Szechuan _Tofu_? Seriously? You liked that?" Dean nods and acts slightly embarrassed. Castiel recovers quickly and nods, "I just…the last time I tried to get you to eat tofu you said it tasted like old yogurt."

The look on his boyfriend's face makes Dean laugh. He pulls open the drawer on the desk and shifts the papers around until he finds the take-out menu. "Here…lemme see. What did you say it was called?"

"Szechuan Tofu."

Dean flips the menu over and laughs, "Here it is…it's called Szechuan Style Tofu with Sliced _Pork_. That explains why I liked it." He grins and hands the menu over to Cas. His boyfriend takes it and snickers softly, pulling the cell phone from his pocket to place the order.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"Here," Dean looks up from his box of rice to see Cas holding a piece of tofu in his chopsticks. He opens his mouth and leans to take the offering of food. Castiel smiles and kisses his closed lips, "I love you."

Dean speaks around the piece of food, "I love you too, Cassanova."

Castiel chuckles and goes back to digging through his take-out box with the chopsticks, "That's by far the cheesiest nickname anyone has ever given me and I've had quite a few bad ones." Cas nods sagely and pops a piece of mushroom into his mouth.

Dean snorts, "Says the man who decided 'bug' was an acceptable nickname." His boyfriend starts giggling around the chopsticks in his mouth, nose scrunching up from the effort. "Oh yeah…let's not forget 'Deanie Weanie' and it's, thankfully, brief lifetime." Cas tosses his head back with a laugh, the sound a near-perfect cackle of glee. "You're such a dork, Cassie."

Castiel shifts closer and rests his head on Dean's shoulder, "But you love me."

"Mmm hmm…implicitly." He turns to press a kiss to Castiel's hair and smiles when he gets a happy little purr in response. "I'm off tomorrow, you know." Cas nods and looks up at him curiously, knowing there's more to the statement. "I was thinking we could head to the office and ask what we need to do to add you to the lease?"

Cas takes a breath and makes a face, "Oh, right…um, about that. I went to turn in my thirty-day notice and apparently I need to give them _sixty_ days notice. Which is fine because evidently my lease isn't up until the end of December."

"What?" Dean squeaks in surprise, "I thought you said it was up in November?"

Castiel shrugs, "So did I, but they showed me the lease and I moved in January 1st of 2011 and the lease term is until December 31st of this year. So you still have some time to change your mind, Mr. Winchester."

Dean rolls his eyes and sits forward to put his take-out box on the coffee table, grabbing the one out of Cas' hand and setting it aside as well. He leans into his personal space and growls, "I'm not going to change my mind, Castiel. I promise. I'm looking forward to you moving it. You have no idea how much. I even bought you a housewarming gift already." Cas' eyes widen and Dean blushes, "I saw it and instantly thought of you."

"Oooo…what'd you buy me, what'd you buy me, what'd you bu-u-u-u-uy-y-y-y-y meeeeee?!" Castiel is bouncing up and down on the couch cushion and Dean laughs at how cute he looks. He shakes his head and refuses to tell him. "Ba-a-a-abe…tell me? Please? Oh! Is it in a box? So I can go, 'What's in the bo-o-o-ox? No-o-o! Go-d-d-d, what's in the box?!' Hmm is it?" His boyfriend wiggles his eyebrows, this huge grin on his face.

Dean sniggers, "No! I'm not telling you. You can have it the day you move in. And before you even _think_ about it, Castiel…it's not here." Cas gives him a pout, whining like a small dog, sniffling dramatically. "Oh-ho-oh…don't even…"

Cas smiles, affecting an innocent expression, "What?"

"You know what, brat." Dean tries for a scolding tone, but only manages to sound vaguely amused, "You think you can use your charms on me to get me to tell you what I bought you. It won't work."

Castiel eases to the floor and lays his cheek on Dean's thigh, peering up at him alluringly, "No?" He shakes his head, mouthing 'no' with a smirk. "I'm sure it's very nice, babe." Dean gives him a non-committal hum of sound and Cas rubs his cheek back and forth on the denim."

Dean picks up the remote and starts idly flipping channels, "Is there a reason you're kneeling on the floor, Castiel?" He feels the shrug travel up his leg and reaches down to run his hand through the dark mop of hair. "You know you don't have to be down there to get me to run my hand through your hair, right?" There's a small moan of pleasure as his fingers do just that.

"I know. I just like how you loom over me when I'm down here. Makes me feel safe." One arm is wrapped around Dean's leg, fingers curled around his shin, while the other hand is curled around his ankle. Cas' voice is dreamy when he says, "_You_ make me feel safe, Dean; safer than I've felt in a long time. If it bothers you, I won't do it anymore."

"It doesn't bother me, baby. I just didn't know why you did it. You know what else might make you feel safe?" Castiel looks up expectantly, "One of my hugs. I've been told I give Good Hug. True story." His hand is still combing through his lover's hair and he gets a shy smile before Cas turns to nuzzle his hand. "No? You don't want one of the famous Winchester Hugs?" Dean sighs sadly and suddenly his lap is full of clingy Castiel. He wraps both arms around the smaller man and hugs him tight, face pressing into the curve of his neck, "Mmm, hey baby."

Cas snuggles into him and whispers, "Hey, D-dean." A small moan wafts over his ear and then a shy, "You do give the best hugs." It's an hour before either man moves and even then it's only to pull the blanket off the back of the couch and around their bodies.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"_You broke all your promises and now you're back_

_You don't get to get me back._

_So don't come back for me, don't come back at all"_

"I don't care what his lawyer says, Sammy! I didn't invite him in. I came home from work and Jeff was already there. He'd made dinner for fuck's sake! I'm glad that Cas wasn't home or who knows what would have happened." It's Wednesday afternoon and Dean is sitting in his brother's office discussing the incident from the previous weekend. "I'm sorry about all the shit that's happened to him, but that doesn't give him the right to just waltz into my life. He didn't try to hurt me, but you didn't see him, Sam…he's unstable. His moods were all over the place and I don't know…"

"Dean, they're saying you gave him the key."

"Over _**two years**_ ago, Sammy! We broke up and the fact that I avoided him all this time should be clue as to how much I didn't want him in my life." His brother sits forward and opens his mouth to speak when Dean growls, "The bastard cheated on me and then two years later, he shows up and I'm the one that has to explain myself? That's bullshit."

At the admission, his brother's eyebrows skyrocket. "That's why you broke up? He cheated on you?" Dean nods. "Dean, why didn't you say anything?"

"Because I was embarrassed, okay, Sam? You have _NO_ idea what it's like to come home and find the person you love…in bed with someone else. It makes you wonder where you went wrong. It's horrible. That feeling of inadequacy…just…"

"I'm sorry, Dean. I didn't know." He looks up and his brother is giving him a pitying look, which is _exactly_ the reason Dean never told him in the first place. "I'll talk to his lawyer again. I might be able to convince him to get Jeffrey some psychiatric help…would that be okay with you?"

Dean looks up and rubs his face, squeezing the bridge of his nose between index finger and thumb. "Sammy, I just want him to leave us alone. If he'll agree to help, then yeah, do that. I don't want him to lose his job and pension just because he's grieving."

Sam nods and makes a few notations on the sheet of paper in front of him, sitting back with a sigh. "You're a better man than me, Dean. I'll see about getting you and Castiel a TRO against him. I shouldn't have to tell you to get your locks changed right?"

"No. The landlord had a locksmith do that first thing Monday morning. He also had him add another deadbolt and I got a security bar for when I work nights and Cas is home alone. I'm tempted to show him how to use a gun, but I don't know how he'll react to that." Dean leans back and shakes his head. "This is all kinds of fucked up, Sammy."

"I know, Dean, but you'll get through this." His brother gives him a smile and Dean hopes his baby brother's right. The rest of Dean's 'pro bono' time is spent talking about Jess and wedding stuff. Sam is so nauseatingly happy that it's infectious and for just a little while Dean lets himself enjoy it.

* * *

**Chapter Note 2:** The move that Dean uses to subdue Jeffrey is called a "Rear Sentry Takedown."


	22. Friends And Lovers

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

******Chapter Note: **Couldn't think of a title for this chapter...I'm still not happy with it.

* * *

**Chapter 22 - Friends And Lovers**

Balthazar sits back in his chair, stunned. Castiel stares at him warily over the rim of his mug. He sips his tea carefully, waiting for him to speak. The two have just finished lunch and are now sitting on Balthazar's rather impressive terrace, catching up on recent events. A few minutes pass and his normally loquacious friend is still eerily silent, "Say something, Baz. You're scaring me out a little."

"What do you want me to say, Cassie? What _can_ I say to all that? I just…wow." Balthazar lifts his glass of water and muses aloud against the rim, "Busy weekend, huh?" Castiel laughs softly, reaching across the glass table to flick him on the shoulder. His friend smiles as best he can around the current mouthful of water. Cas watches him sputter and choke slightly when he starts laughing. "Seriously, I go on vacation for one week and when I come back, I find out your life's turned into a _telenovela_."

Castiel sits back and mutters, "Fuck you very much, Baz." The insult is tempered by the small grin on his lips. In all the years he's known him, Castiel's never been able to stay mad at Balthazar for very long.

His friend smirks, taking another drink from his glass then leans forward as if imparting some big secret, "Been there, done that, Cassie. We've moved on, remember?" He points a finger at him and sets the glass down carefully.

Castiel laughs and shakes his head, "You're an asshole." The comment earns him a shrug from Balthazar. He takes another sip of his tea, thumb rubbing absently on the side of the mug. The two friends stare at each other in companionable silence. The blonde is the first to look away, both hands interlacing over his t-shirt clad stomach as he reclines in his chair. Castiel takes a deep breath, clearing his throat before speaking, "I uh…I wanted to umm…well, I wanted to ask your opinion on something."

Balthazar turns back and lifts a brow, expression curious. When it seems like Cas will never actually speak, he gestures grandly with his left hand, "By all means, Cassie, ask away. I can't promise you that you'll like my answer, but that _is_ why you're asking is it not? You know that I'll be honest, regardless of whether or not it will hurt your feelings." Castiel nods and takes another sip of his tea. Balthazar sits forward, leaning his forearms on the tabletop and gently scolds, "Cassie, you're stalling. Just ask your question, my boy."

Cas chuckles and sets his mug down with more care than is actually needed, yet another stall tactic. "I uh," he grimaces and tries to think of a tactful way to ask his question, finally deciding on just blurting it out in a rush, "whatdoyouthinkDeanwoulddoifI calledhimDaddy?"

"I'm sorry, what?" The surprise in his friend's voice makes Castiel shrink down into his chair and blush. Balthazar swallows and shuts his eyes briefly. His forehead is furrowed slightly when he asks, "_Cassie_. Why are you asking _me_ of all people?"

Cas hisses under his breath, exceptionally embarrassed, "Because there isn't anyone else I trust enough to ask!" Balthazar stares at him and opens his mouth to say something, but shuts it without speaking. The motion is repeated twice more before Castiel rolls his eyes in irritation, griping angrily, "Oh, for pity's sake! Forget I brought it up!"

"Castiel! Don't you dare act like a prissy git! I'm…you don't just ask a question like that and expect me to not be shocked. I honestly don't have an answer. I…don't know what Dean likes in bed…_besides you,_ that is. I may know what _you_ like, or rather, I may know what you _used_ to like, but that's not the issue, is it?" His friend lifts his glass and quickly drains it in two swallows, "Why do you ask?"

"I almost called him 'Daddy' the other night." Cas nods when Balthazar asks if it happened the same night of the confrontation with Dean's ex, "We weren't even having sex. He was hugging me and called me 'baby'…and I don't know…it's not the first time he's called me by that particular nickname either, but it's the first time I had the inclination to respond in that manner."

Balthazar swallows, blue eyes wide, a small smile lifts his lips and he whispers, voice awestruck, "He makes you feel safe, doesn't he?" Castiel nods, frowning slightly when Balthazar looks away quickly.

"Baz?"

His friend looks towards him briefly and Castiel is taken aback to see tears shimmering in those pale blue eyes. The blonde tries to play it off, but before he can turn away again, the tears have started their descent down his cheeks, "Oh soddin' hell!" Balthazar takes a shaky breath and reaches up to wipe at his eyes furiously.

"Balthazar…I didn't meant to make-"

His voice starts out irritated, but quickly softens, "Oh, Cassie…do put a sock in it. I'm happy for you. Truly, I am." Balthazar reaches across the table and cups his cheek, "All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. Even if it wasn't with me." Castiel leans into the touch and smiles. "You have no idea how glad I am that you found someone. After we parted ways…I…" the other man takes a breath, his bottom lip trembling faintly as he whispers, "For years I blamed myself for what happened with Alastair. I kept telling myself that if I'd done a better job of convincing you to stay, you wouldn't have left and if you hadn't left, you never would have met that monster."

"Oh, Baz…no! It wasn't your fault, _mon ami."_

Balthazar laughs, fingertips wiping at his eyes. He squints at him, chiding affectionately, "Using French on me? That's low, Cassie."

Castiel shrugs and whispers, "It got you to laugh, didn't it?" His friend nods. "None of it was your fault, Balthazar. Everything happens for a reason. If we hadn't gone our separate ways, I never would have gone to that stupid party and met Alastair. If I had never met him I would have never had a reason to leave Angel of Mercy, never would have met Anna and subsequently…I probably never would have met Dean. So, when you think about it, I should be thanking you."

His friend laughs softly and rubs a thumb over Castiel's bottom lip, "That's a rather poetic way of looking at it." Cas kisses his friend's finger and smiles. Balthazar sits back, head ducking in embarrassment, "I'm getting maudlin in my old age. It's really quite sickening. I'll have you know, I was never this sentimental. I blame you, honestly."

"Oh stop." Castiel smirks and jokes, "You don't look a day over forty."

Balthazar gasps in horror, "Why you little…" Whatever else his friend was going to say is interrupted by the sound of a cell phone ringing and instantly, a smile lights up Cas' face.

"Hello, Dean."

"_Hey, handsome, I thought you were gonna be at the apartment when I got home?" _

Castiel looks at the time and is surprised to see that he and Balthazar have been talking for almost four hours. Cas was supposed to be at Dean's apartment a half hour ago so they could sign papers in the leasing office. "I'm sorry, love, I lost track of time! I can be there in…fifteen minutes?" Balthazar sits back in his chair, watching him with interest, as he speaks to Dean.

"_No, that's okay. It's not a big deal. We can do it some other day if you're busy." _

"No, no…I can meet you. I just…"

Balthazar leans over, reaching for the phone and finally just speaks into the air nearby when he can't liberate it from his Cas' hands, "He's leaving, Dean. Thank you for calling…I thought I'd never be rid of him. I'm positively knackered and this boy refuses to let me sleep." Castiel snickers and pushes him away, shifting in his chair to keep the cellphone out of his reach.

Dean's voice is confused when he asks, _"Is that Dr. Sebastian? I thought you were off today?" _Balthazar stands up, passing through the sliding glass doors and into his condo. The blonde makes a feeble attempt to tickle him as he passes and Castiel giggles. _"Cas?"_

His attention snaps back to the phone call and he clears his throat, "I'm sorry, love…what was that?"

"_I heard Dr. Sebastian's voice and asked if you were at work. Could have sworn you said you were off today?"_

"I am. I'm at Baz's. Lucky bastard just got back from a vacation in Florida and I fetched him from the airport. He made me lunch as a thank you for playing chauffeur. We got to talking afterwards and lost track of time." Castiel stands up and heads back inside, shutting the sliding glass door behind him. He looks around frowns when he doesn't immediately see Balthazar.

"_You're at his apartment? I, uh…okay. I didn't mean to interrupt you guys. If you had plans you could have said something." _Dean sounds distracted, _"I guess I'll see you whenever you get here."_

"See you soon, lo-" The call disconnects before Castiel can finish his thought and he just stares down at the phone in his hand. Shrugging, he sits on the couch to put his shoes on. He's slipping into his jacket a few minutes later and Balthazar has yet to reappear. Cas wanders through the condominium in search of his friend and calls out, "Hey, Baz? I'm leaving." Castiel reaches the bedroom and knocks lightly. Perhaps Balthazar actually was tired and fell asleep? Cas knows him all too well. The blond usually needs a vacation to recuperate _from_ his vacation. He gently pushes the door open, "Baz?" Castiel takes a step into the bedroom and instantly stops, hand lifting up to cover his eyes. "I'm sorry! I was just going to tell you I was…I'll let myself out.

Balthazar is standing in the middle of his bedroom, a towel wrapped around his waist, obviously having just taken a shower. His hair is dripping water down the line of his back and there are droplets over the exposed skin of his chest. Cas takes a step out of the room and grunts when he backs into the doorjamb. "Really, Cassie. It's not like you haven't seen me naked before." Balthazar's voice is right in front of him and Castiel blushes when he wraps fingers around his wrist, lowering the hand covering his eyes.

"I…well, yes…but that was a long time ago. Things…I mean…circumstances have changed."

The only response he gets is a rather curt, "Yes, they have and it's not like I didn't shut the door, Cassie. You're the one that stormed in here."

His jaw drops and he sputters, "Balthazar! I did _not_ storm in here!"

"I know," the grin is back and Castiel blushes further at the kiss bestowed on his forehead, "Now shoo…your boyfriend is waiting for you, dear boy." Cas smiles, allowing himself to be spun and pushed down the hallway towards the front door. "Oh, and to answer your question; go with your gut, Cassie. We all have our likes and dislikes. From what I've gathered about your policeman, if he doesn't like it, he'll let you down easy. It's obvious he loves you very much. Who knows, maybe he'll like it? You'll never know unless you ask."

They're standing in the foyer of Balthazar's condo and Castiel turns, "Thanks for listening to my crazy worrying, Baz."

"My pleasure, Cassie. Thanks for 'fetching' me from the airport."

There's a smirk in his friend's voice and Castiel rolls his eyes. Cas pushes at the center of naked chest when the man kisses his cheek. He heads to the driveway, calling over his shoulder, "See you, Baz." Castiel slips behind the wheel of his car and waves at the blonde lingering in the doorway. Balthazar lifts a hand to wave back and then he's retreating inside.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

Castiel sets his fork down, "How'd the consultation with your brother go?" He leans forward reaching for Dean's hand with his own. Dean's jaw tightens and Cas whispers, "That bad?"

Dean shrugs, sitting back, avoiding Castiel's grip by shifting his hand away to pick up his beer. He lifts it to his lips and tilts his head back. Cas swallows, recognizing the shift as the rejection it is. Dean's voice is bitter when he tells him, "Sam says Jeffrey's lawyer is arguing that because Jeffrey had a key, he had 'implied permission to enter the residence.'"

"What?! That's ridiculous! The two of you broke up ages ago! How is this-"

Again Cas reaches for Dean and this time the other man slams his beer down, pushing away from the table, "I don't know, okay?! It's stupid and doesn't make sense but there it is. Now can we please stop talking about it? I just wanted to enjoy a nice dinner. Is that too fucking much to ask for?" Dean disappears into the kitchen and Castiel can hear him moving around noisily. He recoils at the frustrated tone in Dean's voice and he bites the inside of his cheek to keep from whimpering. Cas picks up both plates and follows him into the kitchen. He moves to put them down on the counter, intending to scrape the remaining food into the trash when Dean turns around. The policeman slams into him, causing his grip to falter and Castiel drops the plate, the impact with the floor shattering it into several pieces. "Goddammit Cas!"

He stoops to clean up the mess, automatically uttering, "I'm s-s-sorry! I'll...d-don't worry, I'll c-clean it up."

Dean sighs and crouches down in front of him, reaching for the same piece of broken porcelain. Their fingers touch and Cas immediately pulls his hand back, the side of it catching on the sharp edge. He hisses in pain, teeth clamping down on his bottom lip. When Dean reaches for him Cas backs away on instinct, his body retreating into the corner, knees drawing up against his chest. His injured hand is cradled against his body and he can feel the blood instantly soaking through his t-shirt. Dean sees the reaction and splays his hands wide, "Woah, hey...Cas…" He stands up and pulls a drawer open, taking a clean dishrag out of it and then approaching him slowly.

Castiel is shaking when he pleads, "Don't."

"Shhh…I'm not gonna hurt you," Dean crouches and reaches a hand out. When Cas doesn't immediately shy away, fingers gently wrap around his wrist, "Here, lemme see." Dean presses the rag against his hand, applying pressure to stop the bleeding. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

The doctor shakes his head and stutters, "N-no, I shouldn't h-have b-brought it up. I kn-know h-how s-stressed y-you've b-been. Y-y d-don't n-need m-me making it w-…" He takes a deep breath and whimpers when Dean turns his hand, lifting the dishrag to check the wound. Cas sees the clench of his jaw and tries to pull his hand back, old reflexes screaming at him to flee.

"Would you sit still, please?"

Castiel flinches, pressing his forehead down on his knees, body tense. There's cold sweat covering him and Cas is sure he reeks of fear. "S-s-sorry."

"Stop apologizing, baby. I'm the one who should be asking for forgiveness." He slowly stands up, helping Castiel up as well, "I had no right to yell at you. I know better. I'm well aware that it's one of your triggers and I'm sorry. There's no excuse for doing it. I just…I let my frustrations and jealousy get the better of me. Again, I'm sorry."

Cas reaches up to wipe at his tears and whispers curiously, "J-jealousy?"

Dean nods and admits, "Yeah, jealousy. I rushed home and you weren't here." He guides Castiel to the sink and runs his injured hand under the running tap. "I called and you were with Dr. Sebastian and…you were all giggly...I don't know why I thought…" Dean shrugs and retrieves the first aid kit from under the sink, the rest of his sentence trailing off as he focuses on securing a bandage over the cut.

Castiel stares at him in horror. "I…w…why would you think that?

He smiles when Dean lightly kisses the bandage and waits, "I know he's your best friend, but I guess…he's charming and attractive…and…I dunno. He's got that whole European vibe going…if you like that sort of thing."

A small laugh escapes him, "You think he's attractive?" Dean rolls his eyes and after a few seconds, he nods reluctantly. "If it makes you feel better, he thinks you're cute too." It's amusing as hell to see Dean blush. He allows his boyfriend to pull him into a hug and can't resist the urge to press into his chest, "He's said you're charming as well."

Dean hugs him tighter, speaking into the crown of his head, "Shut up. He did not."

"Mmm yeah, he did." Castiel sighs into the hug, reveling in the comforting embrace. It's a few minutes before he finds the courage to whisper, "I'm sorry about the mess. I'll clean it up." He kisses the side of Dean's jaw and withdraws from the circle of his arms.

Dean reaches out, stopping him by lightly gripping his elbow, "Leave it. I'll get it. It's my fault you dropped it." Cas leans against the sink, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth, "Hey, relax. I'll clean up and then we can watch a movie. If you want." There's a hopeful edge to Dean's voice and Castiel smiles, nodding. His boyfriend crouches to pick up the larger pieces of broken porcelain, depositing them in the trashcan. "You want to go pick one while I finish up in here?"

"I already know which one I want to watch."

"Seriously, Cas? _The Avengers_? Again?" The 'argument' is an old one and Dean looks up from his chore to playfully tease him, "How many times are we going to watch that movie? We saw it three times in the theater and have now watched the DVD what…six times?"

Castiel grins and corrects him, "Five, actually." He can't resist pointing out, "Besides, how many times have you seen _Seven_?"

Dean looks up from where he's sweeping the rest of the broken plate into a dustpan. He points the handheld broom at him for emphasis, "Hey now…that's different. _Seven_ is a complex piece of cinema."

"Oh, excuse me, Mr. Movie Critic. Yours is 'cinema' and mine is what...?" He watches Dean stand up and empty the dustpan into the garbage. The green-eyed man doesn't answer, just stows the items back in their place and starts wiping down the floor. Castiel sniffs haughtily and snipes, "That's what I thought."

He's not prepared for Dean to pin him against the counter with his hips, "I love when you get all snippy. It's cute as fuck, baby."

Castiel shifts against him and smirks at the way Dean's pupils dilate, "I'll remember you said that and the next time you complain about it, I remind you of this moment. Now wash your hands and come…" Cas slips out from between Dean and the counter, moving around the bar to head for the living room. He pauses to clarify, "I mean…come _watch the movie_, love." With that, Castiel turns on his heel and resumes his trip down the short hallway.


	23. One Chapter Must End

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

* * *

**Chapter 23 - One Chapter Must End Before Another Can Begin**

Dean reaches up, scrubbing at his face and then slips under the showerhead, hands smoothing his hair back. He finishes rinsing the soap and shuts the water off, calling out to his boyfriend, "Baby, you still coming to the meeting tonight?" Dean peeks his head out and strains to hear his boyfriend's answer, frowning when it doesn't come. Grabbing a thick towel from the rack, Dean exits the shower, drying off his face and neck. He emerges from the master bath and into the bedroom, hands working the towel over chest and stomach. The sight that greets him makes the policeman smile with a shake of his head. There, partially undressed and sprawled backwards onto the bed, is a sleeping Castiel. The discarded scrub top and undershirt are on the floor next to his bare feet, naked chest awash in morning sunlight. The pale blue pants are untied, pushed down far enough that if Cas were standing, calling them indecent would be perfectly accurate.

Castiel had been sitting on the side of the bed removing his shoes when Dean had woken up. While he was in the shower, Cas must have reclined back onto the mattress and promptly fallen asleep. Both of his boyfriend's arms are stretched out down the center of the bed, fingers curled into his palms. The doctor's shift must have been something, for him to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. Dean wraps the towel around his waist and moves to stand by the king-sized bed. He gently traces the fingertips of his right hand over the bare skin below Castiel's navel. The muscles ripple underneath his touch and a soft moan escapes the sleeping man. Dean smiles and leans to whisper in Cas' ear, "Let's get you into bed, baby."

He eases the scrubs the rest of the way down Castiel's legs and is in the middle of hoisting him up in the bed, when a sleepily mumbled, _'Okay, Daddy'_ reaches his ears. Dean pauses, one knee on the mattress, left arm under Cas' shoulders, the right behind his knees and just stares at him. He's not entirely sure Castiel is still sleeping, but when the nearly naked man turns in towards his body and snuffles into the covers, a smile curls his lips. Dean eases his arms free, and on a hunch, leans to whisper against Cas' ear, "I love you, my sweet, sweet boy." Just as he suspected, Castiel moans and whimpers under his breath, _'love you, too, Daddy.' _Dean chuckles and presses a gentle kiss to the shell of Cas' ear.

It's approximately ten minutes later while Dean's buckling his belt that Cas speaks, "I thought you were off today?" He turns and laughs, because the only visible part of his boyfriend's body is the left side of his face. The man yawns and burrows further into the down comforter.

Dean slips his wallet into the back pocket of his jeans and crosses the room, sitting on the edge of the bed. He reaches out to card his fingers through Castiel's hair and reminds him, "I am. Just meeting up with Sammy for wedding stuff. I'll be back in a few hours."

"I'll come with-"

A huge yawn interrupts the rest of whatever Cas was about to say and Dean can't help but kiss him, "You're very cute when you're all tired." The blush is instantaneous. "You stay and sleep, baby. I'll be back before you know it." Castiel is smiling when he rolls onto his back, eyes drooping heavily, "Are you still coming to the meeting tonight?" A small nod is the only response Dean gets before Cas falls asleep again.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Babe, it' doesn't matter what you wear." Dean looks up and catches Castiel scowling at the shirts that he has hanging up in the closet. He walks over and wraps his arms around him from behind, the front of his body pressing into the line of his lover's back. Dean's lips brush over the side of Cas' neck, "Hey, you can go in what you're wearing."

Castiel leans backwards into his chest and sighs, "I want to make a good impression, Dean. These are your friends and coworkers."

Dean smiles and hugs Cas tighter, "Trust me, you'll make a _great_ impression. That's pretty much a given." He nuzzles the back of Castiel's ear and after a few seconds the other man finally relaxes against him. "I love you, so _they'll_ love you. 'Sides, you made bribes, I mean, brownies."

The blue-eyed man playfully elbows him and admits shyly, "I needed something to keep me busy. It was either that or drive across town and pack boxes at my place." Dean feels his boyfriend shudder dramatically and pats a hand on Cas' t-shirt clad chest before releasing him. Castiel turns to face him and adds with a cheeky grin, "You promised you'd help and I intend to put all those fabulous muscles to good use."

The comment startles a laugh out of him and he cups Cas' face, smirking as he leans to speak directly over his lover's mouth, their breath mingling, "Thought that's what we did yesterday morning?" Castiel bites his lip and drops his gaze, a tiny smile curling up one corner of his mouth. Dean can't help but remind him, "When I fucked you standing up," he traces his tongue over his boyfriend's lips and drops his voice lower when those blue eyes lift to his once more, "…legs hooked over my elbows. Your arms wrapped around the back of my neck…"

"_Dean_…" He watches the blue of Castiel's irises fade into a thin ring of color as his pupils dilate in arousal. Dean loves Cas like this. It's like the doctor is almost drunk on his own lust. Both of Castiel's hands are clutched in his shirt and Dean smiles when he moans under his breath, "Don't tease me."

"I'm not teasing you, baby. I'm trying to relax you…and if your face is any indication, it's working. Am I right?" Cas nods and licks his lips, turning just enough to kiss the palm of his hand. "Now…go grab your jacket and let's go. We don't want to be late." He swats gently at Castiel's denim-clad ass and is rewarded with a little moan, followed by the other cheek being presented up for a slap. Dean palms the offering and squeezes gently, growling a warning, "Go grab your jacket, now. If you keep this up, we'll never make it to the meeting, Novak."

Cas laughs and does as he's told, leaving with a flirty little grin over his shoulder. Dean takes a deep breath and blows it out noisily. He watches until Castiel is out of view and isn't surprised when a second later, his boyfriend peeks back around the corner. "Hurry up, Winchester. We don't want to be late."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"So, you're the boyfriend that he's kept locked up in the tower?" Richard grins at Dean, reaching out to shake Cas' hand, introducing himself, "Richard Jameson. It's nice to finally meet you. Dean's told me a lot about you."

Cas smirks, answering as he shakes Rich's hand. Blue eyes flicking pointedly towards him, "That's funny…because up until a month ago, I didn't know who you were." Dean at least has the decency to look embarrassed under Castiel's scrutiny. He reaches up to rub a hand over the back of his neck, a nervous gesture. Most of the time, Dean doesn't even realize he's doing it. The tease in Cas' voice is gone when he speaks, "It's a pleasure to meet you Officer Ja-"

Jameson waves a hand dismissively and interrupts, "Oh please, call me Rich."

Castiel nods and corrects, "It's a pleasure to meet you, Rich." Cas takes a sip of his water, pausing to clear his throat, "I was under the impression that it's a group for more than just officers but…" Dean watches his blue eyes move around the room before his boyfriend continues, "so far I'm the only one without a badge?"

Rich looks around and scans the small gathering of people, "Ah, yes. So far. Not to worry, though, Amanda's daughter will be here soon and Jennifer's wife is running a little late. I'm glad he finally decided to bring you to a meeting, Castiel. From what he's told me, you'll be a welcome addition to our little group. Especially if you decide to help out with out bake sale next month."

Dean laughs, leaning in to press a kiss to Cas' temple, "See? Bribes _work_!"

The remark earns him a playful jab to the side as he stumbles away to help set up some more tables and chairs. When Dean had attended his first GOAL meeting, the group had been small: maybe ten people in one large conference room. Since Jameson had taken over as Activities Director, the membership had quadrupled in the first month and now almost six months later, there are over a hundred active members. The meetings have moved from the once adequate conference room to the larger auditorium on the second floor.

Dean is speaking to Lt. Harris when Castiel appears at his side, holding two plastic cups. He takes one when Cas offers it and kisses him chastely on the lips before realizing what he's done. Castiel's wide eyes make him flick his own gaze to his superior officer with a blush, "Sorry. I forgot where I was for a second."

Harris shakes his head, "Don't mind me. It's nice to see you so relaxed, Winchester." The older man smiles at Cas, "You're good for him, you know? He's more…mellow since he's been with you."

The doctor chuckles and takes Dean's free hand, "I'm glad." Before any of them can say another word, Rich is asking everyone to take a seat and calling the meeting to order.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Dean lifts his cell phone and calls out, "Hey, Cas," then waits until Castiel turns to look at him before he adds, "Smile!" His thumb presses to the screen and he manages to catch a decent picture of Cas before the other man figures out what's happened. Castiel narrows his eyes and blows him a raspberry. Dean just grins and snaps another pic, "Very sexy." He tucks the phone in his jacket pocket, pulling Cas into a hug, "You ready to go?"

Castiel nods and the couple wave to Jameson on the way out. They ride the elevator in silence and Dean allows his boyfriend out first when they reach the first floor. It's a short walk to the outdoor parking garage across the street and Dean is so focused on pulling the Impala's keys from the pocket of his jacket that he doesn't see the person leaning against car until it's too late; it's Cas' sharp intake of breath that makes him look up. Dean instantly freezes and reaches a hand out to grip the sleeve of Castiel's jacket.

"What are you doing here, Jeffrey?" Cas is standing a few steps ahead of him and Dean moves forward, placing himself between Castiel and his ex.

Jeff's voice is bitter when he asks, "You mean what am I doing out?" A short little laugh escapes him as he leans his head back, answering calmly, "I paid my bail. Funny how little they asked for. Although, I expect that was _your_ doing. Am I supposed to thank you?"

Dean takes a step forward, hands out to his sides, "I had nothing to do with your bail, Jeffrey. That was the court's decision, not mine." He stops talking when Cas makes a small sound of protest behind his back. Dean curls his left arm behind him, hand pressing into Castiel's back, holding him in place. "I was told they granted my request for a TRO against you."

Jeffrey nods and pushes off of the Impala, taking a few steps forward. Dean retreats back, keeping the same distance between them. They continue this way for about ten feet. "They did. I just…I needed to see you. Needed to hear it from you and not _in a courtroom _from your _baby brother_. Did you really say all those things about me?" The betrayal in his ex's voice is unmistakable, "That I was unstable…a danger to others, possibly myself?"

The words shock Dean, because he hadn't voiced all of his concerns when he'd spoken to Sam. He's about to say something, when Castiel shifts behind him. Before Dean can react, the service weapon is drawn from the holster at the small of his back and Cas is stepping forward with gun pointed at Jeffrey, "No, Cas! Don't…just…put it down." Dean curls his right hand around the back of Castiel's neck, thumb rubbing calming circles in the skin, left hand reaching out in an attempt to lower the gun's aim to the ground. "Give me the gun, please."

Tears are shimmering in those too-blue eyes and Cas shakes his head, voice shaking, "No…I won't let him hurt you."

Dean closes his eyes and presses his face into Castiel's neck, whispering, "You don't want to do this. Trust me, Cas…once you do, there's no going back."

Castiel's voice is fraught with anxiety, "But he won't stop…he's obsessed, Dean. He'll keep coming. He'll…"

"Give me the gun, Cas. He's already violated the restraining order." Castiel whimpers softly and Dean knows he's finally getting through to him. "You don't need to do this. Just give me the gun and-"

Jameson's voice calls out from somewhere behind them, "I can take it from here, Dean. Just put the gun down, Dr. Novak. Don't let him make you do something you can never take back." Rich moves forward and gestures to the ground, speaking to Jeffrey now, "On your knees, hands on your head. Don't make me ask you twice."

Dean's surprised when Jeff does as he's told, "I wasn't going to hurt them. I just…I needed..."

"I don't care what you think you needed. You violated a restraining order and that means no bail, Jeffrey." Jameson's voice is clipped and within a few seconds he has the man cuffed, "You couldn't stay away, could you?" Dean follows behind his friend, slipping his weapon into its holster after ensuring the safety is on. Castiel trails behind them with a sigh.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Cas' voice is tired as he asks, "Can we never do that again?"

The couple spent the past ninety minutes giving their statements and they are finally heading home. Dean rubs his face while they wait for the elevator and smiles at the question. He pulls Castiel into his side as they enter the elevator, "As long as you don't have any more crazy exes, then yes, we never have to do that again."

The other man snorts and mutters, "No more crazy exes, I promise. You?"

Dean shakes his head and swipes his ID badge through the reader before hitting the button that will take them to the ground floor. He sees Cas look up at him curiously when the doors open into the SWAT garage. Exiting the elevator, Dean crosses the room, taking his keys from the officer that turns to meet him, "Your baby's clean. No sign of tampering…" The policeman pauses and looks at the doctor briefly before continuing, "…on either car."

"Thanks, Henriksen. Did you…?"

Victor nods, "The apartment's clean too. All we found was a 9mm in his car."

Castiel looks between them and finally asks, "You…wait, what?"

"Nothing, Cas. It's fine. I was just being careful."

He looks up when Henriksen speaks in his defense, "It was actually the Captain's idea. Dean had nothing to do with the sweep. He just found out about it when I went to confiscate his keys to move the Impala, because I knew he'd kill me if I let Motor Pool tow his precious baby into the Sally Port. Your car was done as a precaution, doc. You're family now and we take care of our own." Dean mouths 'thank you' at his coworker and Victor nods in response. "Now go home, you two."

Dean laughs, making his way to where the Impala's parked. "You don't have to tell me twice." He looks over at Cas and says with a smile, "Let's go home."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

It's nearly eleven-thirty when they finally get back to the apartment. Castiel presses the button for Dean's floor and turns to press a kiss to his lips, "Thank you for tonight, bug."

Green eyes sparkle with laughter, eyebrow arching up in question. He chuckles, tucking Cas under his chin. "You're thanking me for the near-two hours of hell we endured because of my ex?"

Cas scoffs, leaning into the embrace, "Not _that_. I meant before…introducing me to your friends, taking me to the GOAL meeting…_that_."

Dean nods and admits, "I know what you meant. You're welcome. I'm sorry it took so long. For some reason, I felt I needed to compartmentalize my life…Gabriel helped me see that I don't." He pauses at the confused look Castiel gives him, "Gabriel is Dr. Trick…my psychologist. Remember?"

"Ah, yes, I remember now; the 'observant little prick' with the wicked sweet tooth." Dean laughs and nods again. "Guess I didn't realize you were on a first name basis is all."

"Yeah, he's a bit unorthodox. Doesn't stand on formality. Most of the time he refers to me as 'Cowboy' instead of by my real name. I think the whole 'nonconformist' attitude is what got me to open up to him in the first place." Dean shrugs and follows Castiel out of the elevator. He watches as Cas fumbles with his keys and unlocks the front door, sighing happily when they're inside. "It's so good to be home."

Castiel smiles and locks the front door before dropping his keys on the entryway's table. Dean reaches around him and secures both deadbolts before peeling off his leather jacket. He moves down the hallway to the bedroom, peeling off his shirts without really thinking about it and is in the middle of unlocking the gun safe when Cas speaks, "Can I hold it?"

Dean turns with hand behind his back, fingers half curled on the handle, "What?"

"I asked if I could hold it. The gun, I mean." Castiel gestures vaguely at the weapon and takes a step closer, one hand skating up his bare chest.

Dean frowns at him, "I thought you hated guns, baby. You've always seemed leery of them before. Why the interest now?" He's pulled the service weapon free of the holster and is in the process of ejecting the clip when Cas shrugs. Dean sets the clip into the safe and pulls the slide back to ensure there isn't a round in the chamber. He never chambers a round when off-duty, but force of habit makes him check anyway. "Is it because of what happened tonight?" Castiel nods and something on his face makes Dean pause in the middle of placing the gun in the safe, "C'mere."

Cas looks up in surprise and Dean pulls him closer, turning him so that Castiel's back is flush with his own naked chest. He wraps his arms around the smaller man, right hand holding the gun out in front of them, aiming it downward at a forty-five degree angle. Dean hooks his chin over Cas' shoulder and carefully folds one of the doctor's hands around the weapon. When he's sure Castiel has a grip on it, he slowly removes his hands, lowering them to rest on the other man's hips. "It's lighter. When I held it earlier, it felt heavier. I suppose that was just stress?"

He smiles at the question, "Partly, but mostly because the clip was in it, baby. Right now it's empty."

"Oh." Castiel turns the weapon to look into the empty magazine well and muses, "Well, I feel stupid now. Guess that's why you always put it away when you get home. So the idiot doctor doesn't shoot himself by accident."

The comment is made in a joking manner, but Dean knows better. He reaches to take the firearm from Cas and kisses his forehead, "Hey, don't say that. If you want to, I can teach you basics. I just…I never though it was something you'd be interested in. That's all. Would you like me to teach you?" Castiel wraps his arms around him and looks up with a shy grin, nodding slowly. "Okay then. We can go whenever you want, baby. All you had to do was ask."

Cas blushes and nods, murmuring softly, "I know."

"All you _ever_ have to do is ask, Castiel. You know that, right?" Dean reaches to slip the gun in the safe and closes the small door. He turns back and leans to whisper in his ear, "Anything else you want to ask me?" The small shake of his boyfriend's head makes him grin before he tugs on one of Cas' earlobes, "You sure, baby? You sure there's nothing my sweet boy doesn't want to ask me?"

Castiel sucks in a surprised breath and pulls back, a horrified blush spreading across his cheeks, "W-what d-did you call me?"

Dean's eyes widen and he takes a step back, and for lack of something else to do, shoves both hands in the back pockets of his jeans. The shocked look on Cas' face makes him backpedal hurriedly, "I…well…this morning…you…I just…oh shit…" Dean squeezes his eyes shut and ducks his head to avoid Castiel's eyes, "I'm so fucking sorry, just…forget I ever said anything, okay?" He swallows hard, utterly disgusted at himself for his obvious mistake. "I'm gonna…" Dean makes an ambiguous wave towards the living room, "I'll just go sleep on the couch." He turns and is halfway out the door when Cas speaks.

"Don't go, Dean. Stay, please?" Dean braces both hands on either side of the doorjamb and licks his lips, teeth dragging over them. Castiel's voice is quiet and somewhere along the way, he must have taken off his shoes because Dean doesn't hear him come up behind him, doesn't know just how close Cas is until he feels hands sliding along his waist. Lips brush over the curve of his back, right between his shoulder blades and the barest flick of a tongue darts out before he's asked in a shy little voice, "Will you please come to bed?"

"_Cas…"_

It's the pleading tone that does him in, "_Please_, Daddy, come to bed."


	24. Ain't No Other Man

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

**Chapter Note:** Title and quotes (one slightly altered to fit the situation) are from Christina Aguilera's Ain't No Other Man.

* * *

**Chapter 24 - Ain't No Other Man**

"_Something about you caught my eye,_

_Something moved me deep inside!_

_Don't know what you did boy but you had it_

_And I've been hooked ever since."_

Dean reaches across the table and grabs the last beer from the bucket, "So how'd you get out of the whole engagement party thing Jess wanted to do?" He twists the top off and chucks it into the plastic cup in the middle of the half-melted ice, "Ha! That's another shot, Sammy!"

His brother gives him an eye roll and lifts the shot glass, downing it with a flourish. He makes a face and shoves a lime into his mouth. Dean smirks and waits for the answer, knowing it's bound to be good. Sam removes the rind from his mouth and drops it into the plastic cup, "I promised to help make 'wedding favors' (his brother even does the air quotes with his fingers) whatever the fuck those are, if she gave me one less party to go to."

Dean nearly spews his mouthful of beer all over himself. He somehow manages to swallow before dissolving into maniacal laughter. "Dude, you don't know what wedding favors are?! It's those fancy party favor items people take home from the reception! The little decorative shit things on the tables…" He makes a waving hand motion as if that explains it all. Sam just stares at him in confusion, "Oh man, she fucking played you!" He's still laughing when the waitress asks if they want another round. Dean can only nod as he takes a long pull off his beer.

"Ugh…I knew it! I had a feeling she gave in too easily!" Sam snorts and leans to rest his forehead on the table. "I'm not even married and already she's tricking me into helping her do arts and crafts."

The elder Winchester can't help his drunken giggling at the total misery in his brother's voice. "Oh come on, it's not _that_ bad. I got roped into helping Cas make cake balls for some work thing."

His brother lifts his head and frowns, "What's a cake ball?"

"It's like a cake lollipop." At the explanation, Sam is now looking at Dean like he's seeing him for the first time, "They're actually pretty good…especially the red velvet ones he makes. They're like fucking Awesome-On-A-Stick!" Dean groans dramatically, "I normally wouldn't mind, except for one thing. I. Don't. Bake. And! It's for his work…like a doctor luncheon or something. I don't wanna fuck that up. Make him look bad or anything." The waitress brings their round of shots and Dean smiles up at her, "Thanks, doll."

Sam gapes at him when the waitress traces fingers down Dean's arm as she walks away. He hisses at him under his breath, "You're such a flirt. Absolutely no shame! Leading that poor woman on…did you forget that you're gay?!"

Dean lifts the shot glass and grins, "Hey…it gets us better service and besides I call everyone by nicknames!" He downs the shot and flips the glass rim-down onto the table, throwing horns up in the air at his own awesomeness. "You should hear the new one I have for Cas." Dean opens his mouth and Sam reaches across the table, shoving a lime into his mouth and pinching his lips shut before shaking his head no.

"I don't want to know your kinky new nickname for Cas. Please, for the love of all that's Holy…spare me." Dean makes a face at the lime's flavor exploding in his mouth. He swallows and sighs pathetically, causing Sam to snicker under his breath. "You're such a drama queen, you know that?"

"Come on, Sammy, I wouldn't tell you anyway. I'm not _that_ drunk!" Dean lifts his beer and drains it, belching before dissolving into a fit of laughter once more.

Sam shakes his head with laugh, "So glad to hear that…because no, just no. I ever tell you that you go into Over-Share Mode when you're drunk? I've learned too many things about you that I can't forget." His brother shudders and snarks, "There are _some_ things about your sex life that I do NOT need, nor do I _want_, to know."

"I wanna know." Both brothers look over at the blonde leaning on the end of their booth. The guy is grinning, practically leering at Dean and Sam arches a brow, eyeing him up and down with a frown. Blondie has a drink swizzle stick between his lips and gives Sam a brief once over before apparently dismissing him.

Dean squints at the new guy and then snaps his fingers in recognition, "He-e-ey…I know you!" He hiccups and clears his throat, "You're the guy from the um…bowling alley: Mr. Tall and Blonde. You called me…" Dean tries to remember and draws a blank. Suddenly he brightens and exclaims, slapping his palm on the table loudly, "You called me 'yummy' or 'tasty' or something like that, right?"

The guy nods, smiling at the fact that Dean remembered him. "Yeah, I am. I called you 'delicious' actually, but yours work too. I'm glad I made an impression. My name's Brady, by the way. What's _your_ name, gorgeous?"

Brady's in the process of slipping into the booth beside Dean when Castiel walks up, intercepting him, "His name is Hi-I'm-Taken. Now back off, Blondie." Cas turns and snaps his fingers at the brothers, "Come on you two…Designated Driver's here." Dean giggles and Castiel points a finger at him menacingly, "You, sir, have been cut off. Come on. Up!" When neither Winchester moves, the doctor snaps his fingers again, the gesture impatient, "Now!" Sam grabs his jacket and shrugs into it, standing up with minimal struggle. Dean on the other hand, nearly face-plants attempting to extricate himself from the booth, barely catching his balance in time.

Castiel presses his lips together when Brady wraps an arm around Dean's waist from behind. The policeman tries to keep his surprise hidden when the other man grinds into his ass before taunting Cas, "Oh, you're no fun. If he _were_ taken he wouldn't have been flirting like crazy." Dean pulls out of the other man's embrace and scoffs, looking between the two men. Brady's smirking, one of his brows lifting up in silent challenge.

Sam wraps one of his arms around Dean's waist and slowly starts guiding him towards the door. He hears Cas retort with a laugh, "Honey, he flirts with _everyone_, including _women_ and he's _gay_. Trust me…that man over there…he flirts as easily as other people breathe. Now shoo!" Dean turns in time to see Castiel wave his hand at the man, effectively dismissing him.

Sam tugs him forward and leans to whisper in Dean's ear, "Dude, you're so busted. Your doctor boyfriend came to rescue us and totally caught you flirting with one of your groupies."

Dean holds up a finger and waves it for emphasis, "You shup, Sammich! Cas is awesome!" He takes a deep breath and groans softly when a wave of nausea hits him. Dean swallows hard and it passes, "…and I wasn't flirting! Babe?" He stops, turning in a circle, green eyes searching for the aforementioned awesome boyfriend. "Cassanova?"

Castiel comes up, tucking his credit card back into his wallet and looks at him expectantly, "Yes, _Dear_?"

"Tell Sammy I wasn't flirting with the…" Dean waves his fingers towards Brady's general direction, "…groupie." Cas tilts his head and gives him a look. "Was I?" His boyfriend nods. "I was?" Castiel holds up his thumb and forefinger a few centimeters apart, mouthing '_little bit_.' Dean frowns and whispers, "I wasn't meaning to flirt. I was jus' bein' nice."

Cas gives him a conciliatory pat on the shoulder and nods, "I know, love. You can't help it. You're hardwired that way."

Dean presses against Castiel's side and murmurs (rather loudly to his brother's horror) at him, "Speaking of hard…"

"Oh. My. God! Dean!" As the trio leaves the bar, Dean doesn't know which is more worth it: Sam's horrified exclamation or Cas' little grin.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"Bye, Sammy!"

"Sweet Jesus, get in the…" Castiel hooks a hand on the waistband of Dean's pants and tugs, attempting to keep Dean from crawling out of the Impala's open window any further. "Will you please get your ass in this vehicle? Dean Winchester, I'm talking to you! Dean if I have to pull this car over, I am putting you over my knee and spanking the ever-living shit out of you!"

Finally Dean allows himself to be pulled back inside the window and drops into his seat with a huff, "I was just saying 'bye' to my brother, Cas. Geeeez!"

Castiel slows the car down and mutters, "Put your seatbelt on."

Dean looks over at his boyfriend and whines, "Cas, babe…I was ju-"

"Put…your seatbelt…on, Dean. _Now_. Don't make me ask you again." He doesn't know why, but Castiel taking that tone with him? Totally hot. Dean does as he's told and sits quietly on his side of the seat. He tries several times to start up a conversation, but gets rebuked at each attempt. They're at a stoplight and still the other man refuses to look at him. Dean can see that Cas' hands are white-knuckled on the steering wheel.

He tries one last time, "Baby?" Dean's a little encouraged that Castiel doesn't immediately tell him to be quiet so he whispers, "I'm sorry I acted like a drunken frat boy." There's a noncommittal noise from the seat beside him and Dean reaches to squeeze a hand over Cas' thigh. His hand is slapped lightly and then lifted off and dumped back into his own lap rather unceremoniously. Dean swallows, turning to look out the window, his breaths fogging up the glass for the remainder of the trip home.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"_Tell your mother, your brother, your sister, and your friend._

_And the others, your lovers, better not be present tense._

_Cause I want everyone to know that you are mine and no one else's!"_

The walk into the apartment lobby is uncomfortable, to say the least. Dean knows he's in the doghouse when he gets upstairs and he's slightly nervous. There's an older couple in the lobby waiting for the elevator when Dean and Castiel enter. Dean nods with a tight smile when they join them in front of the elevator. The woman smiles politely at Cas when he holds the door open for her and the man Dean supposes is her husband. It would have been a quiet ride up but no, Dean's singing under his breath without realizing it.

"_Ain't no other man…can stand up next to you…" _Neither of them notices the small smile on the woman's face as the elevator doors close. Dean's voice gets a little bit louder as he leans against the rear corner of the cab, with eyes closed and his head tilted back against the wall, "_Ain't no other man on the planet does what you do…what you do…You're the kinda guy, a guy finds in a blue moon." _Dean opens his eyes and smiles when he feels Cas moves closer, unwittingly singing louder still, effectively serenading the blue-eyed man, "_You got soul, you got class._ _You got style, you're bad a-" _

…And that's when Cas puts his hand over Dean's mouth and the green-eyed man freezes, finally grasping the fact that he's been singing in public. The door opens on their floor and Castiel holds it open, waving him out of the elevator impatiently. Dean chuckles nervously and waves at the older couple, murmuring goodnight with an embarrassed smile. He's a little surprised when the woman, who's old enough to be his grandmother, winks and tells him, "I know how you feel," before flicking her eyes up to her husband. The man is trying hard to not smile, but when the woman smacks a hand on his butt, he blushes and laughs. "Hold onto him, honey."

The doors shut and Dean turns to look at Cas in bemused surprise. Castiel snickers under his breath, before he sobers to mutter, "Come on, you lush." Dean allows himself to be guided to his apartment, hands bracing on the doorframe as Cas separates the key to the front door from the rest on the key ring. He refuses to move aside, forcing the other man to reach around his body to slip the key in the lock. When the line of his boyfriend's body is pressed into his back, Dean rocks his hips back, grinding his ass into Cas' crotch. A warning, _"Dean," _wafts over the side of his neck.

"Yeah, Cas?" He knows Castiel isn't into blatant public displays of affection, but Dean can't help it. There's been an undercurrent of heat the whole ride home and he can _feel_ just how aroused the other man is.

"Behave yourself. I'm very upset with you right now." Dean whimpers under his breath and reaches a hand back to palm over the swell of his lover's ass. The door is finally unlocked and Cas takes a step forward to enter, pressing further into Dean's back when he doesn't move. The policeman rocks his hips back again with a moan, earning him a growl from Castiel. He's pushed him into the apartment, with a bit more force than Dean expects from the doctor. "Get inside, now. Before I lose my patience with you."

He stumbles into the apartment, shrugging out of his jacket, letting it drop to the floor. "Oh fuck, Cas…I love when you get all bossy." Turning to meet Cas' gaze, he swallows when he sees how the other man is looking at him. Castiel has pulled his jacket off and is hanging it on the hook behind the door, his hands moving to unwind the scarf from around his neck.

"I am not being _bossy_. Do you have any idea how worried I was? That you'd leave the bar before I got there…that you'd attempt to drive home and possibly wreck." Dean watches him as he comes closer, taking a step back when he practically growls, "You're going to be the death of me, Dean Winchester!" A startled moan escapes the younger man, dying in his throat when both of Castiel's hands come up to frame his face. Dean's lips are crushed by the ferocity of the kiss. He fists both hands in the fabric of Cas' shirt and opens his mouth to the swipe of tongue. Dean pulls away, gasping for breath and whimpers when Castiel fists a hand in his hair to tug him back down. The kiss is hard, full of pent up frustration and leftover fear. It leaves Dean breathless and aching, but it's his lover's words that make him whine, needy and desperate, "Now get in that bedroom and strip. You have two minutes." Castiel smirks and gives him a heated look, "Then I'm coming in there and fucking you into the mattress, so hurry up."

Dean turns, hands working his belt loose as he rushes towards the bedroom, his fingers clumsy. He kicks his boots off and shoves the jeans down, legs getting tangled in the rush to step out of them. His underwear quickly joins the pile and Dean feels a nervous thrill go through him when Castiel's voice says, "Times up." Dean looks over his shoulder and Cas is standing right _there_, less than six inches away, with this..._feral_ look in his eyes. It makes Dean swallow nervously and he takes a step when Castiel advances on him. The blue-eyed man has lost some of clothing on the way to the bedroom; he's shirtless and barefoot, crowding him against the side of the bed.

Dean turns to face him, ducking his head to peer up through his lashes with a grin, "You're like a ninja. I didn't even hear y-"

Castiel takes an exasperated breath. He blows it out before interrupting him with a brusque, "Get on the bed, Dean. Now."

Dean's eyes widen and he instantly complies, voice hushed, "Yes, Si-." He just barely bites off the 'sir' before it can fully slip past his lips. The doctor hears it anyway, Dean's sure of it. Blue eyes flare with heat as he crawls up onto the bed after him. Castiel's smell fills his personal space and Dean moans softly, swallowing audibly. His lover's gaze is following every movement as Dean crab-walks back onto the center of the bed. By the time Cas is stretched out over him, hands braced against the mattress on either side of his head, Dean is trembling. He's flat on his back when Castiel finally speaks, "Still willing to bottom for me?"

A breathy _'yes'_ whispers out against Cas' ear, Dean's head turning to mouth at the sensitive skin just behind it. His tongue flicks out to lick at the spot, Dean knowing full well what it does to the other man. He smiles at the small shudder that goes through Castiel's body when he begs, oh so sweetly, "Fuck me, baby…_please_." Dean lifts his hips, hissing at the slight friction over his cock. "_Please, Cas_…"

"Quiet." His obedience is immediate and Castiel smiles, one hand moving up the inside of Dean's right thigh. "You going to spread these legs for me, love?" Dean can only nod, legs parting to grant Cas access to his body. "How does my beautiful man want to get fucked? On his back like a wanton little slut…or on his hands and knees like a little bitch?" Dean sucks in a breath and whines out Castiel's name. Dean loses it when Cas whispers, "Or maybe what you want to do is ride me…like a little cowboy, bouncing up and down on my cock?"

"Shit, Cas. I don't care! Just fuck me, please!"

Castiel laughs and kisses him, tongue mapping out the inside of his mouth, hand curling around the base of his throat before pulling off with a wet smack of lips. Dean watches Cas slip from the bed to shed the rest of his clothes, tongue licking at his lips hungrily. Castiel strokes over himself and pulls open the nightstand with his free hand, "Look at you…legs spread open, dick leaking pre-cum everywhere...do you have any idea how erotic you look right now?"

Dean knows the question is rhetorical, but he can't stop his response: a quiet little, "No," escaping him. Cas smiles thumbing the lube open as he crawls back onto the bed, moving closer. Dean presses a line of kisses over the other man's chest as Castiel covers him, his legs lifting up when Cas asks for them to. He wraps both arms behind his knees, tossing his head back into the pillow when he feels that first lick over his hole. Castiel's hands hold his ass cheeks apart, thumbs spreading him further for that talented tongue. Dean lets loose a rather undignified whimper of, _"Cassss…"_

Time passes and Dean's not sure if it's been a few minutes, hours or days, but he's a quivering mess as Castiel tongues him wider. The obscene slurping from between his legs only further enhances the filth that's pouring out of his boyfriend's mouth the entire time he eats him out. Dean arches up with each dirty press of tongue into him and keens at the feel of that first finger sliding into him. "Mmm look how easy you took that finger, Dean…I think maybe…" The second finger rips a guttural moan out of him, his hands slapping out to his sides, legs falling open. Castiel wraps a fist around his cock and Dean grabs handfuls of the covers beneath him, the sensations short-circuiting his brain.

He's not even aware that he's repeating a mantra of, "Yes…please…yes," over and over. His vision grays at the edges when Cas crooks his fingers _just_ right and then drags them deliciously over his prostate. Dean doesn't even mind the slight burn as a third finger is added to the two already inside him. His hips are rocking back and forth while Castiel preps him, but it's not enough…not nearly. "Cas…please…I need…"

Castiel releases his cock and cups his chin, kissing him before asking, "What do you need, baby? Tell me." The hand around him may be gone, but those fingers are still twisting inside him and Dean can't think. His eyes are held tightly shut, mouth open, quick little pants punching out of him. Cas nuzzles at the side of his face and purrs at him, "What is it, love?" Dean makes an undignified noise of loss when Castiel pulls his fingers free of his body, hips lifting up off the bed, "Shhh, Dean…I know."

Dean watches Cas as he rips open the foil packet and when his boyfriend notices him watching, the movements slow, torturing him further. The bottle of lube is upended over that gorgeous cock, a line of slick filling the cupped hand that's been wrapped around the head. A few strokes and then Castiel's kissing him, hand guiding himself to Dean's waiting entrance. It's been a long time since he's allowed someone so much trust, but it's well deserved. Cas goes slow, speaking softly as he pushes in, blue eyes watching him for any sign of discomfort. "I…won't b-break, baby…please."

Castiel's right hand is on his hip, thumb rubbing soothingly and Dean swallows a whimper, not wanting him to stop. His body's writhing under Cas and just when the wait is nearly unbearable, those hips are snapping forward, filling him up. Dean's body arcs up and he screams, not in pain but because he's forgotten just how it feels to be this…_full_. It's bordering on too much, but when Cas starts pulling back, Dean is clutching at him, keeping him close. Words are whispered into his ear, "Shh, I'm not going anywhere," and then Castiel is thrusting into him. Dean's hands grab at Cas, arms looping around his neck until he's all but hanging on the man. Castiel's hand is braced on the bed by his hip, each thrust making Dean see stars.

"_Cas_…" He has no idea what he's asking for, but Castiel must, because he shifts to hammer into that spot inside him, hitting it with startling precision and Dean breaks apart, head shaking as streams of cum paint over his chest and belly. Cas kisses him, tongue tangling with Dean's own, the tenderness in the kiss a startling contrast to the slam of his lover's hips. It doesn't take long for Castiel to follow him into the throes of climax. The deep groan that fills Dean's mouth is drawn out and he smiles, reveling at how the body above shivers as it collapses onto him.


	25. Desserts And Domesticity

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

* * *

**Chapter 25 - Desserts And Domesticity**

Dean startles awake, body on alert. He sits up, green eyes scanning the darkened bedroom, not even sure what they're looking for. His heart's thundering in his ears and he's about to swing his legs over the edge of the bed to stand up when a soft voice says, _"It was just a nightmare, Dean. Lie down."_ He turns and it's not Castiel in the bed with him, it's Jeff. Dean tumbles backwards from the bed and he jerks awake. Again. He's crouching by the bed and his hand is instantly reaching for the nightstand; reaching for a gun that hasn't been kept there in _years_.

"_Dean?"_ That voice…it's _wrong_. It's not Castiel's…but no, it can't be. Jeff's in jail, he saw Jameson put him into the holding cell with his own eyes. Dean's chest is heaving as the covers shift and suddenly he doesn't want to see the person in the bed. Dean turns onto all fours, scrabbling to the closet…and the gun safe. He hears his name again and shakes his head, fingers trembling as they unlock the safe. Dean turns and pulls the trigger, just in time to see Castiel's face as he sits up. The bullet rocks him against the headboard then just sits there, staring down at the bloodstain blooming on the comforter. His voice is confused and when he looks up at him, his face is twisted in betrayal, _"Dean, what…why?" _

He drops the gun onto the floor and rushes across the bedroom, climbing up next to Cas, pressing over the bullet wound in Castiel's chest. Thick red blood wells up beneath his fingers and Dean tries to staunch the flow with his bare hands. Cas is struggling to breathe and Dean is sobbing, words tripping over themselves as he dials 911, "Oh God, baby…hold on okay? Just hold on. Don't die on me, Cas." Dean looks down and drops the phone when Castiel shudders, one last gasping breath leaving his body. "Cassanova?" He watches in horror as the hand clutching his wrist loosens and then falls limply onto the blood-soaked sheets.

Dean sits up, screaming, covered in sweat. He looks down at his hands, fully expecting them to be covered in blood. It takes him a few seconds to process that they're clean, but then hands are on him and he's struggling to get free. Dean pulls away, managing to make it to the edge of the bed before the voice finally sinks through his sleep-addled brain. It's repeating his name and speaking urgently, "Dean…wake up! Baby, it's just a nightmare."

The dream is still too fresh in his mind and he just _can't_…but Dean turns slowly, terrified of what he'll see. Cas is sitting right there, suddenly holding his face in both hands. He makes a small noise in his throat and blinks, sure that he's still dreaming. Dean's eyes are wide, too much white showing, still panicked that any moment he'll wake up, _yet again_ and none of this will be real. Dean moans, whispering brokenly, "You…you're dead…I…"

"Shh, Dean…it was just a nightmare. I'm right here." Castiel presses one of Dean's hands over the center of his chest, "See?" The heartbeat under his fingers is steady and slowly Dean calms, allowing himself to be pulled into the warm embrace of his lover. He wraps both arms around Castiel, face burrowing into his neck. "Shhh, love…I'm right here." Cas rubs a hand over his back, soothing circles over his spine, murmuring, "Right here…alive and well." Abruptly, Dean pulls back, tugging Castiel's t-shirt up so he can press a kiss to the center of his naked chest; in the exact same spot of the fatal bullet wound in the dream. "Hey," Dean looks up and Cas asks him gently, "You want to tell me about it?"

Castiel doesn't wait for his answer, just simply takes the t-shirt off, tossing it aside before easing back onto the mattress, holding a hand out to him. Dean slots in beside him, head ducking so he can brush his lips over Cas' unblemished chest. In the months they've been together Castiel has learned to not push him, knowing full well that it takes Dean some time to formulate his thoughts before speaking. "I…I dreamt that I woke up from a dream…and Jeffrey was in bed with me. Like he belonged there…and," Dean shakes his head, "I pulled away…and woke up." He takes a breath and rubs his cheek over Cas' chest, "I ran to the gun safe…I just…I knew he'd keep coming...knew he'd never leave me alone, so I shot him. Only…when I pulled the trigger…" Dean stops talking to take a deep breath and finds that he's unable to finish the thought.

"It wasn't Jeffrey." The words aren't a question, simply a statement of fact. Of course Castiel would know. Doesn't he always?

Dean nods, "I watched you bleed out…you died in my arms and…"

Castiel pulls him closer and Dean feels the kiss on the top of his head, "It was just a dream, love. I'm right here. Never going to leave you." Dean presses his face into Cas' body, just breathing in the smell of him. After a few minutes, Castiel's arms relax around him and Dean knows that his boyfriend has fallen asleep. He rubs his face into Cas' chest and just listens to the other man breathe, the nightmare still too vivid in his mind for him to sleep. Castiel mumbles something in his sleep and his arm tightens around him, making Dean smile. It's nearly dawn when he drifts off to sleep again.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Dean wakes up to the feel of something rough scraping on his cheek. He reaches up and bats at the sensation, snapping awake at the small _mewp_ of irritation. On the bed next to him, sprawled on its back, is a tiny gray-striped kitten, paws waving in the air as it tries to right itself. Castiel chuckles and helps the little ball of fluff back onto its paws. The kitten wavers on its feet and then in a burst of speed, charges Dean's hand. Dean lifts his hand out of the way and looks at Cas with a raised eyebrow, "What the fuck is that?"

Castiel briefly frowns at his tone before answering, "I would think it was pretty obvious that it's a kitten, love." Dean goes to make a snappy comeback but stops, eyes shuttering closed with his sharp inhale before sneezing loudly. He sniffs and sneezes again, sitting up to grab a tissue from the nightstand, eyes watering as another sneeze racks his body. "Oh my God, Dean! I didn't know you were allergic! Baby, if I'd known I wouldn't have brought her into the bedroom!" Dean feels the bed dip as Cas stands up; he hears him rush into the bathroom and then there's the sound of bottles being knocked over before Castiel is back with two pink pills and a glass of water. "I'm sorry, love. I didn't know."

Dean takes one of the pills and snaps it in half, popping one half into his mouth and dropping the other back into Cas' hand. He takes a drink of water and smiles as Castiel fusses over him, "Baby, I'm fine. I'll be okay. Now, where did you…" His sentence is cut off by a series of high-pitched meows, pathetic in their abject misery. Dean stands up and follows the sound, finding the kitten in a laundry basket just inside the bathroom door. As soon as it sees Dean, the furball meows louder, standing up on its hind legs briefly before toppling over onto it's back.

Cas' voice is quiet as he stoops to pick up the mewling kitten, clutching it against his chest protectively. His words tumble out in a rush, "I found her when I took out the trash this morning. She was all by herself and some kids were tormenting her and I couldn't just leave...I didn't think, Dean. I promise I'll find a home for her." Dean sighs and Castiel turns away from him, mumbling softly, "Maybe Anna can take her until I do. I'll go call..."

Dean stops him with a hand on the arm, "Stop." Cas looks back over his shoulder, brows furrowed slightly. When he takes a breath to speak, Dean holds up a hand to quiet him. The flinch is tiny, but he sees it, quietly soothing, "Calm down, baby. I'm not upset. You didn't know. Now…can I see it?" Castiel turns to face him fully, still holding the kitten against his chest, hands curled around the small body, only one blue eye visible between his fingers. Dean holds out his hands and asks again, "Can I hold it?"

His boyfriend looks at him and tells him softly, "It's a girl. I think you scared her. She's trembling." Dean smiles and gently moves one of Castiel's hands off the kitten, fingertips lightly scratching between its ears. Cas watches the interaction and finally lets him take the kitten.

He holds the feline in one hand, directly in front of his face, eyes squinting as he inspects it. "She's kinda cute." Dean looks up to see Castiel smiling at him. "I'm more of a dog person, but if you want to keep her, you can."

Cas reaches out to take the kitten, holding it against his chest with a frown, "No, Dean…it's okay. You're allergic. If I'd known, I would hav-"

"You'd have, what…left her there to get picked on?" Dean gives him a look of disbelief, "Come on, baby. I know you better than that." He steps forward and cups Castiel's cheek, thumb rubbing over his bottom lip, "You probably already have a name picked out, don't you?" Cas blushes and Dean can't help tease, "I knew it. What is the little sneeze-maker's name?"

Castiel laughs and shakes his head, "I was calling her 'sweet girl' until we could pick a name together." Dean kisses Cas on the forehead when the other man blushes brighter. "Are you sure it's okay to keep her? If it's going to make you miserable, then I'll find a home for her, love."

Dean wraps his arms around Castiel and hugs him, earning him an indignant meow from the kitten between them. "Hush. Both of you." He's rewarded with a laugh from his boyfriend, "So…'sweet girl' huh?" Cas shrugs. Dean hmmms in his ear, earning a small pleased moan and a nod. "How about I get dressed and we go shopping for your little girlfriend? I'm sure she'll appreciate a real litter box and not that empty shoe box in the bathroom."

Castiel laughs, "It was the only thing I could think of. I figured it was better than nothing!"

Four hours and nearly three hundred dollars later, the couple is back at the apartment. Castiel is watching the small kitten sleeping in her hideaway while Dean puts the small cat tower together. He watches as Cas reaches to pet the kitten, causing her to roll onto her back with a small mewl, body curling around his boyfriend's hand. Dean shakes his head and goes back to securing the base onto the scratching post. The kitten's been here less than a day and she already has Castiel wrapped around her tiny paw. "Thank you, Dean."

The green-eyed man looks up from his task and quirks a brow. The smile on Cas' face is almost blissful, "You're welcome, baby. I admit, she's adorable, even if she is an expensive little brat." Castiel blushes and Dean leans over to kiss him, "I'm kidding, Cassanova. You pick out a name yet?" Cas shakes his head and Dean smirks, "Gonna wait until she shows you her personality?"

"How'd you know?"

Dean shrugs, giving the screw one last turn to tighten it, before setting the cat tower on its base. He stands and sets the small piece of cat furniture next to where the gray kitten is sleeping. "I just know you, baby." Dean moves to sit behind Castiel, pulling him back against his chest, arms and legs framing his body. Cas leans his head back against his shoulder and sighs happily. "I love you, Cassie."

"I love you too, Deanie." The dreaded nickname makes him scowl, playfully nipping at Castiel's neck. His boyfriend snickers, making a feeble attempt to pull away, but Dean only tightens his grip and blows a raspberry onto the skin below his ear. The laugh he gets in response, wakes the kitten and Cas elbows him gently, turning to scold, "You woke her up!"

"Oh she'll be fine. See?" Dean points to where the kitten is yawning, bleary eyes watching them for a second before drifting shut again. Castiel makes a tiny noise of contentment and the two men spend the better part of the night on the couch watching the kitten sleep.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"You got a kitten? How positively…_domestic_ of you, Freckles." Jo smirks and takes another bite of her sandwich. Dean gives her a look and rolls his eyes. "Don't give me that look. I bet you have a picture of her on your phone." She laughs when Dean ducks his head and becomes entirely too focused on his lunch. "Lemme see it." Dean squints at her and finally pulls his cellphone out, scrolling through the gallery and selecting the picture he'd taken this morning. Jo takes the phone and squeals. Her words string together as she gushes instantly, "Ohmygoodnesshowcute! What's her name?"

"Castiel's taken to calling her 'Little Miss M' due to the little M on her forehead." Dean points to the marking on her face and further explains, "Her full name is spelled M-i-l-y, pronounced just the way you'd pronounce the name Emily."

"Oh gawwwwd that's cute! M-ily. I like it. Suits her." Jo nods and hands him his cell phone back, picking up her sandwich while he smiles at the picture before slipping the phone back into the chest pocket of his uniform. The next few minutes pass in silence while to the two eat. Jo piles her trash on her plate and sits back, "So, I'm guessing things are good between you two? Seeing as you're adopting kittens and stuff?"

"We didn't adopt her. Cas rescued her from some kids in the complex; little punks were pestering her." Jo makes a face and shakes her head. "Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction. They better hope I never catch them." He finishes his leftovers and leans forward to offer his friend part of his dessert.

Jo peeks into the bowl and reaches for one, lifting it up to inspect it, "What are these?"

"Cake balls. Castiel and I made some for a luncheon at St. Joe's. These are the 'rejects' that didn't make the cut." He wiggles his eyebrows at his friend and pops one into his mouth, laughing at Jo's face when she takes a bite.

"Rejects my ass, Freckles. There's nothing wrong with these. You screwed them up somehow…on purpose." Dean laughs and shrugs. "Sneaky bastard. You did, didn't you?"

"Mmmmaybe." He picks up another one and turns it in his fingers, showing it to Jo, "These were part of the first batch and I unintentionally screwed up the frosting. I tried to fix them and only made it worse. A baker, I am not. Give me a target and I can hit it with near 100% accuracy; ask me to frost little pastry balls and I fuck it up…big time."

"Good thing he loves you." Dean nods and pops the cake ball into his mouth, grinning around it before wiggling his eyebrows again. "I'm happy I didn't screw things up for you, Freckles. I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if I'd…" She stops and takes a sip of her water, "It's great seeing you like this… You're so happy with him."

"Mmm hmm. Me too. Thanks, Jo. I-" The beeping of Dean's pager interrupts the rest of his thought. He slips it free of its case and scrolls through the message, "Gotta go. You can have the rest if you want." Dean pushes the rest of his dessert to the blonde. "See ya later, Jo." She sits up to hug him, kissing his cheek before urging him to be careful. Dean smiles and gives his usual response, "Always."


	26. All Rise

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

* * *

**Chapter 26 - All Rise...**

"So a-ny-_way..." _Dean slides back into the circular booth with a groan. He leans in and theater whispers, "How in the hell did you decide you wanted to marry this little jerk? You're a beautiful woman and could seriously do a _whole_ lot better." Jess grins and lightly smacks his shoulder, throwing her head back in laughter when he adds, "_Especially_ when I know the 'whole big hands, big feet' thing is _completely_ phallus…I mean, _false_…in his case, anyway."

"Fuck, Dean! Je-sus!" Sam's indignant glare is only just this side of murderous. The three of them are at Crossroads having a drink and Dean's been teasing the couple for a while. Jessica turns to press a kiss on his brother's lips and the younger man's face instantly softens. Oh yeah, he's totally smitten.

Dean smirks and holds up a single finger to silence his brother, "Shut up, Sammy! I asked the lady a question!" He turns to look expectantly at Jessica, "Well? What is it? Does he have wicked tongue skills?" Dean grins when Jess blushes and ducks her head to sip from her Margarita, "That's it isn't it? I knew it! He's a magician with his tongue."

"Guess it runs in the family then." The words are spoken directly behind his ear and Dean freezes, shivers racing down his spine. His smile disappears from his lips at the tiny moan that manages to make it out of his mouth. Suddenly, his future sister-in-law isn't the only one at the table that's blushing seven shades of puce. He swallows and turns to look at his boyfriend. Castiel reaches into the booth and drags the backs of his fingers down Dean's cheek before slipping in next to him. Dean watches as Cas leans across him to murmur conspiratorially to Jess, "The things _this_ man," he jerks his head towards Dean, "can do with his tongue…" Castiel licks his lips and flutters his lashes before sighing dramatically.

Jessica giggles and moves closer, muttering out of the corner of her mouth, "You think they took lessons?" Cas ponders that and then two sets of blue eyes turn to regard Dean with interest. He can only blush hotter when Jess asks her co-conspirator, "Does he do that thing with the tip of his tongue that-"

"Geez, honey, would you please stop!" Castiel nods and mouths _'don't worry, we'll talk later'_ when Sam pulls the blonde back against his side, whispering something in her ear that makes her grin wickedly. She giggles and shoves at his side playfully the turns to whisper something in her fiancé's ear that makes him squirm.

Dean is finally back to his normal skin color when a certain blue-eyed doctor leans to purr in his ear, voice sex-whiny, "I'd really like it if you'd do that tongue thing to me when we get home, okay?" He can only nod silently; any words would have been a dead giveaway to just how aroused that statement made him. Castiel nuzzles his ear and flicks his tongue behind Dean's ear. He shuts his eyes and leans into the contact. Cas chuckles and tugs on his earlobe gently, causing his eyes to snap open. Dean's back to blushing when Jessica laughs, giving him a knowing smirk.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Ohhhh, yes. Right there. Nngh, baby, yes! Right…fucking…there! Oh shit, Dean…wait! I'm gonna-" Dean smirks at the feel of Castiel's body clenching around his fingers, the tips of them curled to prod effortlessly over that spot inside of him; his other hand strokes him through the orgasm, thick stripes painting over Cas' belly and lower chest. Dean ducks his head and curls his tongue over the cum-slick head of Castiel's cock, fingers still working in and out of his body. The motions are careful; Dean knows just how sensitive the other man is after an orgasm and preens when he's rewarded with a small, satisfied giggle. Something about Cas that most would be surprised to find out: the man gets exceedingly ticklish and giggly after an orgasm. "I didn't want to cum, Dean."

The words are petulant enough that Dean can't help but let his forehead rest against Castiel's hip while he laughs. "You seemed plenty ready, baby." The smart-ass comment earns him a half-hearted shove to the top of his head and a snippy _'moron.' _ Dean playfully bites the sharp angle of Castiel's hip and eases his fingers free, the action dragging a gasp from Cas.

"I meant I didn't want to cum _yet_, love." Dean reaches for the towel and dutifully wipes Castiel's belly clean. The man arches up slightly when he carefully lifts his spent dick to finish the cleanup. There's a small pout on the doctor's lips when he admits, "I wanted to cum when you were balls-deep inside me."

Dean shrugs and presses a kiss to his boyfriend's still-quivering belly. He stretches out beside him and teases against his lips, "You're the one that asked me to do that thing with my tongue, remember?" Cas nods and smiles lazily. His eyelids are heavy and he looks halfway to falling asleep, "Besides, who attacked me when we got into the Impala?" Dean clucks his tongue contemptuously, "Jerking me off while I was driving…bad doctor!" Castiel blushes and presses his face into the crook of Dean's neck, whining impishly in his throat. "Good thing I love you so much, you naughty boy." He hears the sharp inhale of breath and turns his head to nuzzle against his boyfriend's ear, repeating the endearment once more. Dean smiles and hugs the doctor against his side, fingers rubbing over his back idly. It's no surprise when he feels the other man fall asleep, body curled around his side, face pressed into the curve of his shoulder.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

It's a stroke of luck that Judge Mills gets Jeffrey's case. The District Attorney had apparently decided to make an example of Dean's ex and as such had, petitioned rather successfully, for Judge Turner to try the case. His request for a speedy trial was also granted and the court date was set for less than a month from Jeff's first liquor induced, middle-of-the-night phone call. The day before the hearing is to start, however, Judge Turner fractures his ankle and Jeff's case is one of several that get redistributed to other judges. The trial ends up being blessedly short, only two days, and Dean is scheduled for duty on both of them. The night before the trial, he's still not quite sure how he feels about it, but Sam assures him that it's probably good that Dean can't be there. His brother texts him as he's leaving the courthouse on Thursday, November 8th and lets him know that the sentencing is the following Monday. Dean stares down at the text and blows out a relieved breath, because he's working that Monday as well.

The day Judge Mills is scheduled to deliver Jeffrey's sentence dawns overcast and cold as fuck. The temperature is already wreaking havoc on Dean's shoulder when he drags himself out of bed, completely dreading his eight-hour shift. Alpha Team is smack-dab in the middle of running drills when it starts raining Irish Wolfhounds and Maine Coons. Lieutenant Harris calls for them to head inside and the team double-times it into the SWAT garage. After a quick shower, Dean is only a little surprised when Harris confronts him in front of his locker, "I heard your ex's sentencing is today." He nods, wondering where is superior is headed with that opening question. "Could have asked someone to switch days with you."

Dean admits, "Yeah, I could have." He zips the tactical jumpsuit and turns to peer over his shoulder at Harris. "That's assuming I wanted to go," the lieutenant just watches him, lifting his water bottle up to take a sip, "and I don't. I'm over it. He can rot in jail for all the trouble he's put us through. Me showing up will just give him some sick sense of accomplishment. Like I needed to see him one last time or something." Dean stops to take a breath, sitting on the bench to pull his boots on. He ties them with angry motions and bites out, "I just want him out of my life for good." Dean stands up and Harris is still just watching him, "I'm so over it. I'm ready to move on, trust me."

"You trying to convince me…or yourself?"

Dean stares at his team leader and doesn't say a word. The man's even gaze is unnerving him so he turns to pick up his belt, securing it around his waist. He adjusts the tactical holster at his hip and lifts his right foot up to rest on the bench, securing the two straps around his thigh. Dean lowers his foot to the floor and turns to look at Harris, fingers giving the straps a final adjustment. He takes a breath and then crosses his arms over his chest, hands gripping opposing biceps, "Is there a point to this little interrogation, _Sir_?"

Lieutenant Harris smirks, "This isn't an interrogation, Chess. If I was interrogating you, you'd know, trust _me_. I'm simply here to let you know that if you change your mind, I'll cover your place in formation if the team's called out." When Dean goes to speak, Harris lifts a hand to stop him, "It's simply an offer, Chess. No pressure. Just think about it." The team leader takes a step closer and lowers his voice, "I know firsthand what it's like to have someone that damaged so…focused on you. It's a scary thing. The only thing worse than getting them out of your life, seemingly for good is having them permanently gone and never having told them how you really felt. You don't hate him, for as much as you think you do." Harris takes a step back and claps a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently before releasing him, "Let me know if you change your mind. You still have time."

"Thanks, Sir." His lieutenant nods and leaves the locker room. Dean straddles the bench, sitting down with a sigh and leans forward to press his palms flat onto the wooden seat. He sits there for a while, losing track of time. The sound of a locker closing is what snaps him out of his thoughts. He stands up, holsters his gun then grabs his wallet and keys before slamming his locker shut. After a quick stop to let Harris know he's headed out, Dean rides the elevator to the parking garage. He checks his watch and leans his head against the wall on the short trip, smiling briefly at the short blonde officer that enters from the second floor. She's speaking into her cell phone and blushes at Dean's smile before smiling back shyly. They exit on the first level of the parking garage and Dean's catches bits and pieces of her conversation as she walks behind him on the short trip to his car. He turns to catch her staring at him and chuckles when she rushes off towards her car while he unlocks the Impala's door.

Dean tries to call his brother on the way to the courthouse, but his call goes straight to voicemail. There's heavy traffic on the way, but he still manages to make it to the Justice Center with ten minutes to spare. He stows his cell phone and beeper in the glove box and rushes across the street to the entrance. Dean checks in with the court officer on duty at the metal detectors and steps through with a nod at the other officer. He jogs up the grand staircase and makes his way down the hall. Dean checks his watch and finds the right courtroom just as the bailiff is shutting the door. The man gives him a curt nod and lets him in at the last minute. Dean attempts to sneak into the back of the courtroom and is surprised to see Castiel sitting in the row directly behind Sam's table. His boyfriend had asked him the night before if he was going to the sentencing and Dean hadn't lied, per se, but had hedged, saying he wasn't sure. His brother is turned in his seat, speaking to Cas when Dean makes his entrance and Sam can't quite keep the surprise off his face. Castiel turns to see what's gotten Sam's attention and when his eyes meet Dean's, he gives him a sympathetic tilt of his head. His entrance noticed, the elder Winchester figures there's no point hiding in the back seats so he makes his way to the front row. He excuses himself as he slips in to take the vacant seat beside Cas.

Castiel takes his hand and squeezes it lightly. Sam smiles and opens his mouth to speak, but is cut off by the bailiff calling for them to rise at Judge Mills' entrance. The entire courtroom stands and after a few seconds takes their seats at his instruction. Jeffrey is given a chance to speak and his short speech is delivered with a trembling voice. He turns to look into the courtroom and his eyes drop to where both of Cas' hands are clasped around Dean's left. Jeffrey lifts his gaze and stares directly at them as he apologizes for his behavior and then turns back to address the judge. He thanks her for giving him the chance to speak and then moves to take his seat once more. The brunette nods and turns to ask Sam if anyone on the prosecution's side wishes to say anything. His brother turns to look at him and after a few seconds, Dean shakes his head. Sam turns back and answers the judge in the negative. She nods and rearranges the papers in front of her before giving a summation of the trial's proceedings and then a short speech, obviously gearing up to reveal her sentence. Dean watches her speak, struck by how eloquent the woman is. He's always respected her no-nonsense attitude and it's apparent the case has hit a chord with her. She pauses to look around the courtroom and then asks Jeffrey to stand. Dean doesn't realize he tenses up until Castiel starts tracing the back of his hand with a thumb. The small touch is soothing and it serves its purpose. Judge Mills speaks to Jeffrey in a stern voice and then her face softens briefly before delivering her sentence. She gives him six months probation, a mandatory three month long stay at a psychiatric facility, a staggering two thousand hours of community service and a four thousand dollar fine. She bangs the gavel and just like that, the trial is over. They stand at the bailiff's command and the judge leaves the courtroom.

Dean drops down into his seat heavily and blows out a relieved breath. He vaguely notices the people filing out of the courtroom around him. Castiel wraps a hand on the back of his neck, gently pulling him down to whisper, "It's over, love. You can relax now." Dean turns to press his face into his boyfriend's neck and takes a deep breath. He feels the light brush of lips on his temple and smiles. "I thought you were working today?"

His words are spoken into the curve of Cas' neck, "I am. Harris gave me permission to leave for the sentencing." Dean lifts his head and presses his forehead to Castiel's, "I wasn't going to, but I'm glad I did. Was a little surprised to see you here, though."

Cas shrugs and turns to look at Sam, "Your brother said it would be okay if I attended. Said the court proceedings were open to the public, so I switched days with Balthazar so I could make it. Sam here is rather captivating to watch in action."

Dean tilts his head and asks, "You came to the whole trial?" Castiel nods. Dean stares at him in surprise, shaking his head with a laugh. "No wonder you knew which days they were. I couldn't remember telling you, but I just figured it was shitty memory."

Sam laughs and pats his arm, "Nope. Your boyfriend is a sneaky bastard and called me from your phone." Cas has the decency to look embarrassed. "Okay, you two, I'm done for the day. I'm grabbing some lunch before heading back to the office. Care to join me?"

Castiel stands up and smooths both hands over the front of his dress slacks. His fingers lift to fidget with his black tie and Dean reaches up to pull his hands down, taking them in his own. He grins and rises to his feet, presses a kiss to Cas' lips. "You look very handsome, baby. New shirt?" Castiel shakes his head and the couple follows the younger Winchester on the way out of the courtroom. Dean walks behind Cas and teases him, "Damn, baby, your ass looks amazing in those pants." His brother laughs and holds the door open for them, using his briefcase to smack Dean on the behind as he exits.

The three men meet at a small family-run restaurant halfway between Sam's office and the precinct. The waitress brings their drinks and Castiel thanks her with a smile. The woman blushes and when she leaves to place their order, the brothers tease the doctor about it. Their order is brought out quickly and the first half of their meal is spent making small talk.

Dean's cutting into his steak when his brother speaks, "I found out that Jody apparently wanted to give Jeffrey a year in jail, but decided against it." Dean clears his throat and doesn't say anything. Castiel looks between the two brothers, sensing the slight tension. "You did a good thing, Dean. Don't regret it. Jeffrey's a troubled man and he deserves the chance to get better. Jail wouldn't have made his recovery any easier. You know that. I know that. Jody knows that."

Dean looks up and meets his brother's eyes then turns to look at Cas. He's surprised to find his boyfriend is smiling at him. "You're not upset?"

Castiel cocks his head, "Upset that you asked the judge to be lenient on your ex?" Dean nods. "No, love, I'm not. I admit I'm a little surprised at that fact. I would have thought I'd be furious, but I'm not. You have your reasons and I respect that."

Dean ducks his head briefly and then leans to press a quick kiss on Cas' lips, "I love you." He sits back and goes back to his food.

The doctor grins and lifts his glass of water, "And I love you."

Sam makes a choking sound and rolls his eyes, grousing, "Enough of the chick-flick moments! I can feel myself becoming diabetic, you two. Sheesh," but he's smiling while he says it. The rest of the meal passes quickly. Dean is decidedly more relaxed as he makes the short drive back to the precinct and he resolves to thank Harris when he sees him.


	27. Things Are Perfect

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

**Chapter Notes: **For pics of certain things mentioned in this chapter please see one of my other sites.

* * *

**Chapter 27 - Things Are Perfect**

Dean comes back into the apartment, pausing in the doorway to catch his breath and stretch his arms up over his head. The fingers of both hands are interlaced together while he leans first to his left then right. His head tilts towards each shoulder slowly in an attempt to crack his neck. Dean wipes at his sweaty brow with the back of his left forearm and points to the haphazardly packed boxes by the front door, "Babe, what's in these? More stuff that needs to go to the trash?"

Castiel looks up from where he's packing DVDs in the living room and narrows his gaze in thought. "No! Those two are full of stuff to donate, along with the two bags I already put into the Impala. The desk and side table are going too, but they won't fit in the car. Well, they _might_ but I don't want to risk Baby's leather interior. I suppose we'll need to rent a truck."

"Hmmm," Dean looks at the desk and table in question and muses aloud, "In that case, guess we should be glad I found this guy loitering in the parking lot?" He jerks his thumb towards the partially open door and the hallway beyond. Cas tries to see whom he's pointing at and Dean moves aside, opening the door fully.

Rich walks in, jingling his keys in the air, "Someone say they needed a truck?"

Castiel puts the stack of DVDs that he's holding, down to come over and greet the new arrival. "Richard! Come in! Ignore the mess. Would you like something to drink?" Dean smiles as he turns to pull Jameson's flatbed dolly into the apartment. The two voices disappear down the hallway towards the kitchen and Dean keeps himself busy by putting the side table onto the dolly, top down. He tucks the two boxes into the well of space created underneath by the sides of the table. The desk he'll wait for Jameson to help him move. It's not a heavy piece of furniture, what with being made of particleboard and all, just awkward to carry alone.

Dean shuts the front door, walking down the hall in search of Cas and Rich. He finds them standing in the dining room discussing something in quiet undertones. They both look up when Dean joins them and he's surprised to discover they're haggling over a suitable price for the dining room set. He takes the glass of water his boyfriend offers him, lifting it to lips, draining nearly the whole glass in a few seconds. The three men spend a few more minutes negotiating over the dining set before resuming their duties. Castiel goes back to packing up the living room while Dean and Richard set about loading up the truck and then making a trip to drop off the donations.

Several hours later finds Dean sprawled out on Castiel's living room floor, groaning pitifully. Cas crawls over to him and dips his head to press a kiss on Dean's brow, "Thank you for all the heavy lifting, bug." One green eye opens and another pitiful moan of pain escapes him. "Poor baby, do you want a massage?" Dean nods with a pout. Castiel laughs and taps his hip, "Roll over then." Dean does as he's told, rolling onto his front with a grunt. "Love, this is easier if you're shirtless." The tired policeman pushes up onto his hands and knees then sits back on his haunches, tugging the shirt up and over his head. He slowly eases back onto his stomach and turns his head to watch Castiel head towards the bedroom. Dean briefly contemplates getting up to follow, but his body is just too tired to move. Luckily Cas returns quickly, going to his knees gracefully beside him.

"Do I need to lie a certain way?"

"Nope, you're fine, love. Get comfortable and just relax." Dean makes a small noise of assent and tucks his right hand under his belly. He wriggles slightly and then stretches his left arm down alongside the side of his body, hand resting on the floor palm-side up. He turns his head, right cheek on the floor and shuts his eyes with a sigh. "Ready?" Dean nods, the gesture barely noticeable. He hears the sound of a small cork being pulled and then the quiet slide of Castiel's hands as he warms oil between his palms.

"Smells good, baby…like you."

Cas chuckles and explains, "That would be the cinnamon, love." Dean hisses when Castiel's hands press into the small of his back, thumbs rubbing along either side of his vertebral column as they smooth upwards. The movement is repeated a few times, each time starting a little bit higher along his spine. Dean dozes off before Cas reaches the middle of his back.

He wakes to Castiel crooning his name softly, lips caressing along his shoulders, small flicks of tongue tracing over the scar on his left shoulder. Dean rolls his body up into the touch, hands moving up to brace on the floor on either side of his naked chest, arms flexing as he does a modified pushup onto his knees. Cas makes a small yelp of surprise and eases onto his butt along Dean's left hip. Dean's left hand comes out to curl around Castiel's side to steady him and shifts to sit lotus-style on the floor in front of his boyfriend.

"Thank you for the massage, baby. My back feels…amazing and this stuff," Dean reaches out to pick up the glass bottle to read the label, "smells freakin' awesome." He pulls the cork out and takes a deep whiff of the addicting aroma. Cas smirks and tugs him closer, reclaiming the bottle to pour a small amount of the green oil into his palm. His lover sets the bottle aside, corking it carefully. Dean watches with interest while Castiel rubs the oil into his hands and then purses his lips to blow gently over the slick skin. He quirks a brow in silent inquiry when Cas extends his right hand, palm up, towards him. "It not only smells good, love. It's _flavored_."

Dean's eyes go to the offered hand that is now curling into itself to point solely its index finger at his lips and back up to meet Castiel's gaze, "You're shittin' me." Cas shakes his head slowly and grins when Dean wraps the fingers of his left hand around the slender wrist. He pulls him closer and licks up the back of Castiel's finger, moaning softly at the taste explodes on his tongue, "Fuck, it tastes like chocolate." His boyfriend makes a quiet _'mm hmm' _under his breath. Dean sucks that slender finger into his mouth and doesn't see Cas' reaction to him suckling on the digit.

Castiel whispers, "There's other flavors. This one's just," Dean lets the finger slip free of his mouth and flickers his tongue on the webbing between index and middle finger, eyes lifting to meet his lover's. Cas swallows hard and finishes his thought with a noiseless sigh, "my favorite."

"God, I want to pour this all over your body just to lick it off…especially your dick," Dean growls and laves over Castiel's palm, "and your tight little hole." He grins wickedly at the flare of Cas' nostrils, "You'd enjoy that? If I slicked up that sweet little pucker and just ate you out like a fuckin' dessert, shoving my tongue into you over and over again?" Dean leers at the expression on the doctor's face. "That was a rhetorical question, baby…no need to answer. I can see just how…_okay_ you are with the whole idea."

Castiel's head falls back at the feel of him licking in and around each finger, mouth going slack with each pass of the questing muscle. "Oh…my." Dean takes two of the fingers between his lips, bobbing up and down before taking three, then four into the depths of his mouth. "Shit, fuck!" Cas' face twists in ecstasy and a shudder goes through him, head falling onto one of his shoulders, lips curling in a lazy smile.

Dean eases the fingers out of his mouth with a wet little pop and questions disbelievingly, "Did you just…?"

"Uh huh."

"Holy shit, babe. You came from me _sucking on your fingers_?" He can't help the shock in his voice and laughs good-naturedly, the blush flaring over Castiel's cheeks making him bite back further laughter. "Didn't know that was possible."

"Mmm, jus' b'cause I was already turned on from the massage." Cas takes a deep breath and makes a happy little purr of noise when Dean sits forward to nuzzle his neck. "I love touching you. Love jus' how much you trust and allow me to do."

Dean smiles into Castiel's skin, "and I love that you get off on all that. Now come on, let's go soak in that huge tub of yours. Our days of enjoying it are numbered." Cas nods and both men stand up slowly, hands steadying each other. Castiel pauses to look around, taking in the small pile of boxes by the door and the mostly packed up living room. He looks up at Dean's quiet, "Hey…you okay?"

Cas nods, "Yeah, just thinking how much I still need to do." He pouts, "I hate moving."

Dean lifts a finger and corrects, "How much _we_ need to do. I promised to help, remember? Besides, we got a lot done today. Took all that stuff to the donation center, packed up most of the living room _and_ most importantly you got that dining set off your hands. Jameson's wanted to buy one for a while and now you have one less thing to put in storage, right?" Castiel nods and wraps an arm around his waist, pulling him along as they head to the bedroom. "You know…we don't have to sleep here if it's too much for you."

"One night is fine, love. Don't think I could keep my eyes open for the drive across town." Dean curls a hand along the back of Cas' neck, the peaceful expression on his boyfriend's face calming him more than his words, "The one thing I _need_ from your apartment is here…_you_." A blush flares over his cheeks before he can stop it and the sleepy doctor catches it. "A nice long soak and then bed, I think." Dean nods, following Castiel to the master bedroom and the bath within.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Over the next several days, boxes full of Cas' belongings make their way to Dean's smaller apartment until the couple manages to pack up all of the doctor's movies, books, dishes and clothes. The boxes eventually fill every open space and cover all the flat surfaces of Dean's apartment. His old couch is donated to charity in order to make room for Castiel's chocolate leather and microfiber one. By the middle of November, there's very few things left in Cas' apartment. The rooms echo as the two men clean each one before shutting the doors one last time. It's the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and there's merely two rooms that need to be packed: Castiel's bedroom and the master bath. That's what Dean is _supposed_ to be helping with. Instead, he's trying to peek into some boxes stacked at the foot of Cas' bed.

"So, you have _no idea_ what's in here?" Dean asks his boyfriend, who's currently packing up toiletries in the bathroom. His voice is skeptical, "How do you _not_ know what you had in storage? I mean, didn't you put it there?"

"No," Castiel answers his first question before appearing in the open doorway between the two rooms. "_Because_," Dean snickers at the way Cas draws out the word before explaining further, "Curious George, they're what was left in my storage unit downstairs. I had to go through it a few months ago when the basement flooded. Those boxes are what I could salvage from the water damage." Cas shrugs a shoulder as he speaks, "Most of the stuff I had to get rid of would've been donated or thrown out eventually."

"Well that sucks. I hope you got some kind of compensa-"

"Nope." Castiel snorts a laugh at his reaction, "Part of the lease states that the complex isn't responsible for 'damage, loss or theft of any and all items' kept in the on-site storage, if and when I should choose to use them." At his frown, Cas crosses the room to crouch beside him on the floor, "What does it matter anyway? It's all stuff from high school and college, I think. Honestly, I would have chucked all of it into the dumpster when I emptied the unit last week," Castiel smirks and wiggles his eyebrows mischievously, "but figured you might like to see my old yearbooks."

Dean smirks back and slides his pocketknife out of the back pocket of his jeans. He grins, voice playful, as he flips the blade open, "Oooo incriminating evidence of a geeky youth?" Cas lifts a shoulder vaguely as he stands. "Lemme guess, you were in the Honor Society and the Science Club." Castiel makes a non-committal noise on his return to the bathroom. Dean slices through the tape holding the box shut and calls out, "Oh oh, I know! You were a Mathlete, weren't you?"

"Shut it, Winchester! I have it on very good authority that you were in Choir _and_ the Drama Club!"

Dean mumbles under his breath about loose-lipped baby brothers and starts going through the contents of the box. He pulls out several paperbacks, including a tattered copy of _Slaughterhouse Five,_ which he brings to his lips before putting it aside carefully. Beneath the books he finds a couple of photo albums, "Aha! I found pictures!" Dean opens a blue 5x7 binder and immediately laughs at the first one, a photo of a young Castiel blowing a raspberry at the photographer, "I see your opinion of cameras hasn't changed much." Cas peeks in from the bathroom and gives him pretty much the same expression as the one in the photo.

"I've told you, I hate having my picture taken."

"So you've said," Dean acknowledges with a nod Castiel can't see. He flips through the albums in order, fingertips tracing over the face of his lover as it ages from school-aged boy to high school teenager. The last album has a brown leather cover embossed with an intricate design and held together with a metal clasp. Dean smiles at the first one, a black and white photo of Cas looking directly into the camera. The next few were obviously taken at the same time because Castiel is wearing the same t-shirt in all of them. The pictures progress from Cas staring intently into the camera to leaning back on his elbows and ending with one of him with his head tossed back in laughter. "I like the black and white ones. You look…relaxed."

"Which black and white ones?" Castiel pokes his head out of the bathroom, eyebrows furrowed together.

Dean turns the page and asks, question overlapping with his boyfriend's, "You've been to Paris?" He smiles up at him and flips back to the black and white ones, turning the leather bound album around so Cas can see the pictures in question, "These."

Castiel clears his throat and leans to take the album from him, flipping through the rest of the pages idly, "Yes, I have; twice actually. Once, as a child with my family, and the other just after getting into med school." Dean reclines on his hands, head tilted back to watch Cas go through the pages. When Castiel gets about halfway, he goes through the rest rather quickly and then flips back to the picture of the Eiffel Tower before returning the album to him, "I'd forgotten about those."

Dean can't help but tease as he flips through the many snapshots of Paris, "Bet you're glad you didn't toss these boxes in the trash now?" Cas nods and goes back to the bathroom. "The album alone is beautiful. Where'd you get it?"

"It was a gift from Balthazar, from one of his many travels." Castiel's voice is distracted, but Dean doesn't notice. He's too focused on the next few shots of a college-aged Cas lounging around in what look like gray yoga pants and a loose-fitting, blue t-shirt. Dean doesn't even register Castiel's next words, "You know, I brought you over here to _help me_," because of the next picture. He swallows at the sight of Cas in a deep scarlet button-down that's tucked into a pair of sinfully tight black jeans. Castiel had obviously been walking away from the photographer when someone or something got his attention. He's looking over his left shoulder at the camera and young Cas is smirking. The next few candid shots were clearly taken without the subjects' knowledge because Castiel is staring attentively into the eyes of a beautiful blonde woman. Dean feels kind of awkward looking at them and just as he's about to- "Dean."

The hand that covers the picture, not the sound of his name, is what gets his attention. He looks up, licking suddenly dry lips, "I'm sorry, what?"

Cas repeats his question, "I asked if you could give me a hand with the boxes I packed up." Dean gets a huge grin with Castiel's announcement, "Two boxes plus a laundry basket and the bathroom is now empty." A brief frown mars his features momentarily, "Well, save for a roll of toilet paper and two towels."

He stands up and wipes his hands on his jeans, photos forgotten for now, "Sure, baby." Dean follows Cas and whistles upon entering the tiled room, "Wow. So all that's left is the bedroom, huh?"

"Mmmhmm…"

"You excited?" Castiel nods happily, moving into Dean's personal space, arms wrapping around his waist. "Tell you a secret?" Cas looks up expectantly for his answer, "Me too."

Castiel scrunches up his face and asks shyly, "Yeah?"

Dean dips his head, hovering over Cas' lips. He allows his own to brush fleetingly over Castiel's before pulling back to whisper, "Yeah." A soft little whine builds in the other man's throat as Dean repeats the action again, this time adding a little tongue flick before agreeing, "Yeah." The third time he does it, Cas reaches up to fist both hands in Dean's hair, pulling him down to claim his lips. It's another hour before the two men leave the bathroom to load the boxes into the Impala.

Castiel and Dean join Sam and Jessica for a rather amazing Thanksgiving dinner at the younger Winchester's spacious apartment. Cas' hysterically funny introduction to Bobby is caught on video and subsequently uploaded to Dean's Facebook page. It's posted just long enough for Castiel to see it and afterwards plead for them to take it down; which Dean does, but not before getting some decent 'couple' snapshots out of the bargain. Saying it's been an ordeal to get Cas to pose for serious pictures in the time they've been together is a major understatement. Most of the pictures Dean had before that night were of Castiel making some silly face or another. Granted, the policeman's taken quite a few while Cas sleeps and those Dean really treasures. In those, his boyfriend's face is relaxed; all the worries that usually trouble him wiped clean. They're the closest Dean has to the black and white photos from Castiel's leather album.

December looms and with it begins the final countdown to Cas' official move-in date. The apartment is eerily silent as Dean lets himself in with the sole purpose of dismantling Castiel's bed. The couple wrapped both the mattress and box springs the previous night and both are lying on the floor in the empty living room. He heads to the bedroom with his toolbox and gets to work. The silence is deafening, so Dean reaches into his back pocket to pull out his cell phone; he presses a few buttons and soon music is filling the nearly vacant apartment. Dean finishes his task and is headed home within the hour. Other than moving the bedroom furniture to storage and cleaning the bedroom and master bath, there's nothing left to do in this apartment. Dean smiles as he pulls out of the parking lot, thinking maybe Castiel will receive his housewarming gift when he gets home from work tonight. What's a few weeks when the doctor's all but moved in already?


	28. Until They're Not

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

**Chapter Notes: **Quote is from Lady Gaga's Born This Way. I'm not usually a Lady Gaga fan but I love the message in this song. I chose this particular video because the dancers are absolutely breathtaking in their talent. Enjoy! A huge thank you goes out to **xlamentcasx** for helping proof the French in the last part. Love you, Elle! Hope you enjoy the chapter. *smishes* For pics of certain things mentioned in this chapter please see one of my other sites.

* * *

**Chapter 28 - ...Until They're Not**

"These are the three boxes of books that you're selling right, right? You went through them already?" Dean looks up from where he's stacking the aforementioned boxes on the hand truck. Castiel nods and brings another, much smaller box to stack on top of the other three. "It's okay if you want to keep some of them, baby. I know there isn't that much space now, but we can make room. Plus, don't forget, we're getting a bigger place when my lease is up."

Cas pats his hand and reassures him, "I already kept the ones that have sentimental value, Dean. There's only a few that I really treasure and I can always get one of those e-readers like you have, right?"

Dean smirks, "Yeah, I suppose. I just don't want you to think that you _have_ to purge your book collection like I did when I moved here."

Castiel laughs, cupping his cheek, "Oh, if you only knew how many times I've sold books to make room for more." His boyfriend pauses to give him a wink, "Besides, I'd much rather keep my movie collection. Now, come on…let's go. The sooner we leave, the quicker we can head back home so you can finish snooping through the last two boxes." Dean makes an insulted noise and Cas tilts his head, "Oh please, don't even…you can try and pretend, but I know you. You're dying to rip them open and see what's inside. Especially since you have yet to find the yearbooks and all their glaring evidence of my humiliating geekiness."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

The trip to the used bookstore is quick and yields them a whopping twenty-eight dollars. Dean scoffs at the amount, but Castiel takes the money with a smile, steering him away from the cashier before he can make a scene. They walk to the small family-owned market at the end of the block and Cas does the grocery shopping while Dean spends most of the time on the phone with his brother. Apparently Sam is being forced to take a ballroom dancing class with Jess and he's making it a point to tell Dean how much his older brother owes him for convincing Jess that _no one_ wants to see the entire bridal party performing a choreographed waltz at the reception.

They're on the way to the checkout when an end cap display distracts Dean. Castiel frowns when Dean pauses to pick up a package of cinnamon rolls from the shelf. Just as he's about to place it into the shopping cart, Cas takes it from him and promptly puts the item back. Before he can object, Castiel mouths _'I'll make some'_ and turns around to head towards the baking aisle. Dean grins, bragging into the cellphone about how awesome it is to have a boyfriend that can bake and after a second of silence, proceeds to argue that Cas would most definitely win in a bake-off against Jess.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Dean comes up behind Castiel while he's chopping vegetables in the kitchen, and kisses the back of his ear, "You really gonna make me some cinnamon rolls or did you just promise so that I wouldn't put up a fight?"

Cas looks over his shoulder and kisses the line of his jaw, "I'm really going to make you some, but only if you stop pestering me while I make lunch. Now go on, get out of here. How about…." Castiel sets the knife down and turns in Dean's arms, pressing a finger to the center of his chest, "you make yourself useful and take the dirty laundry downstairs? Then you can finish sorting through those boxes you're so obsessed with."

Dean makes a face; if he had to pick one thing he hates about living in this complex, it's the laundry room. It always full of either A: people who want to make conversation, B: people he's sure the complex didn't run a background check on, or C: women who want to flirt with him and won't take no for an answer. He wants nothing to do with any of them. Cas is watching him, lips twitching as he attempts to fight a smile and Dean finally gives in, heading down the hall towards the bedroom. He does however mutter grouchily about how those cinnamon rolls better be worth it for his sacrifice.

The laundry room is blissfully empty when Dean gets there so he takes advantage and uses two washers to cut his prison sentence in half. He's in the middle of swiping the pre-loaded laundry card into the machines when another tenant walks in. She gives him a tight smile and luckily makes no attempt to initiate conversation. If anything the woman looks just as opposed to trivial conversation as Dean is. He starts the washers and with a relieved sigh, sets the timer on his watch before grabbing the detergent and heading back upstairs.

Some twenty minutes later Dean has finished going through one of the boxes Castiel has accused him of being 'obsessed' with. He's discovered three of Castiel's yearbooks, two ancient science textbooks, numerous Science Fair ribbons and several framed awards. Cas gives him a disgusted look when he shows the contents to him. The textbooks go in the recycle bin under the sink, the ribbons get tossed in the trash and the frames get set aside once the awards are removed (the papers having joined the textbooks in the recycle bin). Two of the three yearbooks are too water damaged to open, their pages stuck together in large clumps, so Cas is saved from sophomore and junior year embarrassment (those two also join the rest of the recycling). The last one is set aside as Dean goes about slicing through the tape on the final box of Castiel's youth.

There's a bubble wrapped parcel underneath the dorkiest Christmas sweater Dean has ever seen. He holds it up to his chest and models it, earning him a choked laugh from his boyfriend. Dean snickers and tosses it over the back of the chair next to him. He carefully unwraps the bubble wrap to discover an old laptop and after a little digging he finds the power cord. "I found a laptop and some VHS tapes." Cas rolls his eyes to Dean teasing him for having a copy of _Pretty Woman_ and _Steel Magnolias_.

"Shut up! I had a crush on Julia Roberts in my experimental college years."

Dean cackles at that and sets the videotapes aside, stacking them up with a grin. "Hey, you're forgiven because you have _Alien_ and _Aliens_. I'm willing to give you a pass on _Dirty Dancing_, because well…" Dean holds up a finger to emphasize his next words, "Swazye always gets a pass." He makes a happy noise and adds _Silence of the Lambs_ to the stack, muttering, "Cla-reeeessss," under his breath in a poor imitation of Hannibal Lecter, followed by a rather convincing, "Put the lotion in the basket!" Castiel laughs and tosses a dishcloth at him. Dean points a finger at him and threatens, "Am I gonna have to get the hose again, Cassie?"

"Oooo…kinky!"

Dean stares at Cas in open-mouthed shock and then busies himself plugging in the laptop, setting it aside to charge. He pulls out another wrapped package and carefully removes the tissue paper to reveal a beautifully carved rosewood box. "Wow. Mind if I open this?"

Castiel wanders out of the kitchen and makes a surprised little noise, "I'd forgotten about that. Balthazar bought it home from his trip to India." His boyfriend's fingers are trailing over the intricate design, a tiny smile on his lips. "Go ahead and open it. If I remember correctly there's nothing inside. Dean lifts the lid and turns to stare at Cas, a protracted laugh escaping him. The doctor blushes and begins gesturing nervously with his hands, words tumbling out of his mouth while Dean just looks on, "That was a long time ago…I…well I told you it was my _experimental phase_!" Castiel covers his face with both hands and mumbles, "I swear it wasn't a daily occurrence."

Dean lifts up the zippered plastic baggy, with it's cargo of three joints and clucks his tongue against the back of his teeth, "Never pegged you for a pothead, baby." Cas groans from behind his hands and Dean stands up, heading to the bathroom to flush them down the toilet. He comes back in and wraps his arms around Castiel's waist, growling into his ear, teeth gripping the uppermost curve of it. Dean tugs him back against his chest, wondering aloud, "Now just _who_ did my sweet, innocent, _curious_ little boyfriend get high with, I wonder?"

Castiel moans, head rolling back onto his shoulder, "R-rachel." Dean dips his tongue into Cas' ear and he whimpers, "Rachel and Balthazar. S-she's the blonde woman in the photos you saw." Castiel is literally saved by the bell when Dean's watch timer goes off. The green-eyed man winks, spanking him lightly before heading downstairs.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"_In the religion of the insecure_

_I must be myself, respect my youth _

_A different lover is not a sin"_

By the time Dean comes back upstairs, having put the washed clothing into the dryer, Cas has gone through the rest of the box and laid the items out on the table next to the laptop. There are a few pictures of Castiel's family, a book of French poetry, a blank journal, a pair of leather pants (to which Dean cocks a brow) and six dollars and forty-two cents. Cas sits down and Dean joins him, teasing him through most of lunch. When Dean's watch timer goes off again while he's washing the dishes, Castiel waves him off and grabs the laundry basket, "I'll get it. Be back in a bit."

Dean nods and finishes rinsing the plates, setting them on the rack with the rest of dishes. Chore complete, he dries his hands and heads back to the table. Dean opens the laptop and powers it on, briefly wondering if it's password protected. When the screen flickers on, he grins at the wallpaper: a picture of Castiel surrounded by a bunch of what he assumes are his college friends, all sitting on a beach, holding up beer bottles with huge smiles on their faces; 'Happy Birthday Castiel' is etched into the sand at their feet.

He clicks through the documents and finds that Cas, the big nerd, has all his research papers and labs saved on the laptop. There's a rather large music collection and Dean scrolls through them. He's amused at some of the selections, pleased to see there are a few of his favorites in the mix. He finds a folder with video files in it and clicks on the first one. It's dated on Castiel's birthday and turns out to be a video from the same day as the desktop's wallpaper. He grins at how bashful Cas is while his friends sing _Happy Birthday_ to him. There's a gap in the video and then Castiel is opening presents, once again shy and bashful as he does.

The next few are damaged and unplayable. There's one labeled: 'He Got In!' In it Cas is reading a letter with Balthazar urging him, _"Read it out loud for Heaven's sake!"_ Castiel shushes him and then yelps, "_I got in! Oh my god, Baz! I'm in!"_ You can hear the other doctor chuckle and then congratulate him, a giddy Cas rushing over for a hug. The video shuts off and Dean is smiling as he clicks the next one. The video starts in extreme close-up then pans out slowly, Balthazar narrating, _"And here we have dear Cassie studying for his exam. From the look on his face, I do believe that currently, he's regretting his career choice." _

Castiel flips his middle finger up at the camera and Balthazar laughs, muttering something in French. Cas squints at the camera, _"Baz, would you please put that thing away. You know I hate it. I swear, I'm beginning to think the fucking thing is attached." _Castiel smirks then thinks aloud, "_Whatever will you do when it's time to masturbate?"_

"_Now, now, dear boy. You know I don't masturbate. I have no need. I'm kept well satisfied thank you very much."_

Dean laughs at the expression on Castiel's face and the subsequent blush. Seems like his boyfriend hasn't really changed that much from college. He can tease, but tease him back and he can't take it nearly as well. Dean's still chuckling as he clicks on the next few; more damaged and unplayable ones. He frowns when the next three ask him for a password and Dean's sure the next one will too, but it starts up after a second. Dean's eyes widen, surely he's hearing wrong…

"_Mmmm…I rather like the way your ass looks right now. Have I mentioned just how much I love when you crawl around on all fours?"_

_The much younger Castiel turns to look over his shoulder, and scolds, "Baz, will you please put that down?" He flops onto his stomach and begs enticingly, "Put that down and come fuck me." The line of his back is perfect, not a single scar marring his skin and in the sunlight washing over his body, he's beautiful. _

_There's a derisive snort from the other man, "No."_

"_Daddy…put that down…please?" Castiel's body squirms on the bed, rolling onto his back. He reaches a hand out to Balthazar, fingers curling in a come hither motion. "I need you." His other arm is loosely curled up around his head, naked belly and chest gleaming in the light coming in through the window._

_Balthazar's response is a dark chuckle, rife with sexual heat, "Need me, do you? Prove it. Show me just how much you need me__**… S'il vous plait**__?"_

_Castiel's face twists in a moue of annoyance. "Speaking French won't get me to give in, __**mon chéri**__," Castiel's endearment was soaked in sarcasm. He scowls and mutters as Balthazar moves closer, "Why do you insist on bringing that thing to bed with us? You know I hate it." His eyes are a deep almost turquoise color. They're sparkling in the sunshine as he leans in to whisper, "Put it down and I'll make it worth your while."_

"_Mmm…I'm intrigued. How exactly?" _

_Castiel smiles, the curl of his lips seductive and coy at the same time. Both hands move to the waistband of his jeans, unbuttoning them with a flourish. The defined muscles of his stomach clench as he lifts his ass to push the denim down his legs. Thumbs rub over sharp hipbones and he licks his lips, teasing, "Don't be obtuse, Balthazar. You know how."_

_Balthazar laughs and stretches out next to Castiel, "Only you could pull off using the word 'obtuse' while naked in bed, __**bien-aimé**__." He shifts the camera in his hands, the motion nauseating until it settles once more. Both men are now in the frame, Balthazar's head resting on Castiel's shoulder. "Smile for the camera, just once and I'll put it away."_

_Castiel presses a kiss to Balthazar's temple and then turns to the camera, "You're hopeless, you realize that, correct?" The words are meant to be scathing, but there's a smile on his face and he looks relaxed and happy._

_Balthazar wiggles his eyebrows, smirking salaciously, "I do, but thank you for reminding me. What would I do without you, __**mon garçon parfait**__?" There's a shift of the camera and then the frame is settled once more, granting a view of the two men, lips a hairsbreadth apart. Several minutes of enthusiastic kissing later, Balthazar pulls away, turning to the camera. His eyelids are heavy and his mouth is swollen from Castiel's energetic kisses, "Say '__**Au revoir**__' to the camera, Castiel."_

_The young Castiel turns to look at the camera, eyes hooded and lust-blown. His lips are curled up in a sexy little grin, "__**Au revoir**__, Camera." Balthazar grins and kisses Castiel's temple. The setting shakes as the camera is turned around, granting a blurry view of the bedroom. His voice whispers, "Is it time for the fucking now?"_

_There's a small chuckle, "Yes, __**bien-aimé**__, it's time for f-" _

The rest of the sentence is cut off as the video ends. Dean is staring at the laptop in shock. His chest is tight, causing his breathing to become erratic. They dated. Castiel and Balthazar dated. Dean wouldn't have believed it, but here was irrefutable truth. The pair not only dated, they…they…_they fucked_. The brief view of the bedroom was enough for Dean…more than enough.

Dean scrambles out of the chair and races to the bathroom, barely making it. The heaving is violent and leaves him shaking. He reaches up to flush the toilet, head resting on the seat. His shoulders are shaking with silent sobs. It all makes sense now…all the lingering looks, teasing, hugging…the utter lack of boundaries. Oh God…they know each other intimately. The pain is sharp, a deep twisting ache in his chest. A broken sob builds up and he lets it out, the first one making way for the others that follow.

That's how Castiel finds him a few minutes later. He gasps upon discovering him and drops the laundry basket he's carrying. "Dean?!" His voice is full of worry as he surges forward, "What's the matter?"

Dean looks up, hands wiping at his eyes as he stands, backing up a step when Castiel makes to hug him, "Don't fucking touch me!" He turns the faucet on and rinses his mouth, glaring at the other man's reflection in the mirror.

His lover recoils, but holds up both hands in a gesture of capitulation, not touching him. "Please tell me what's wrong. I can't help if you don-"

"Help?" Dean tosses his head back with a bitter laugh, "You don't need to 'help,' _Cassie_. Trust me." He slams the cup down on the bathroom counter and brushes past Cas on his way out of the door.

Dean hears the gasp as Castiel stumbles into the counter. It's in his nature to turn and make sure the doctor is okay, but he forces himself to keep moving. He grabs his keys and his jacket, shoving his arms into it almost brutally. There are tears in the voice that whispers, "What did I do?"

He doesn't turn, because if he turns, Dean knows he'll see the look on Castiel's face and he knows just which one it would be: the wounded, hurt, Please-Forgive-Me one. "It's not what you did, Castiel…it's _who_. Now, don't follow me or I…swear…to…God! I'm not sure what I'll do."

"Talk to me, please."

Dean snarls and turns, stalking towards Cas. He ignores the flinch of fear and moves closer, onefinger raised to point, "Don't! Not now, Castiel. You want to know what you did?" Dean's voice has taken a taunting edge, "Hmm, do you? Would that make you happy, _chéri_?" He watches the horror flicker in those blue eyes and swallows down the lump at the back of his throat.

Castiel's voice is a frightened whisper, "Dean…"

"I don't want to hear it. Just…" He holds his hand up, lips pressing together in a thin line, "I would have been fine with it if you'd just told me, Castiel…but to find out like this?" Dean backs away and moves to the table, shoving the laptop towards Castiel before leaving the room. Distantly, the front door slams shut.

Cas swallows hard, tears threatening to spill. He wants to follow Dean, but his boyfriend's warning keeps him from doing so. Castiel looks down, sliding a finger over the mouse touchpad. The screen flares to life and he frowns slightly at the small window of the media player. He hits play and freezes at the sound of Balthazar's voice. "Oh, God, no!" Castiel turns, running after Dean, warning forgotten.

He's panting when he pushes the lobby door open, racing to the parking lot only to see the Impala speed out in a screech of tires. In the next second, his phone is in his hand, thumb hitting the speed-dial for Dean's cell phone. The call is immediately sent to voicemail. He tries a second, third and finally on the fourth try, Dean answers, voice an angry snarl, _"Stop calling me, you deceitful little-" _

"Dean, please…let me explain."

"_You can't explain, Castiel! Trust me. Just…."_ Dean presses his lips together and takes a shuddering breath, _"…let me cool off, Cas…please. I don't want to say something I'll regret. Please, just…don't follow me, don't call…I need time."_

Castiel squeezes his eyes shut, tears streaming down his face, "Baby, please…I love _you_. I know what you're thinking and you have to know I would never-"

Dean's voice is pained, _"Cas…please. I can't do this now." _The next thing Castiel hears is the sound of his phone beeping to tell him the call has ended.


	29. Lead Me Not Into Temptation

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

******Chapter Notes: **I struggled on who to use as Balthazar's new 'friend' and couldn't think of which SPN character to use. I knew in my head who I wanted to use, mainly because of THIS PIC (you can see the link on one of my other sites), but the character was not an option. So I used the RP actor: Matt Cohen. I've made him a little mysterious and a whole lot sexy in case I want to do some Balthazar smut later. We'll see.

In case anyone is wondering, I used Corin Nemec's character (Christian Campbell) as Balthazar's recent ex. I didn't explore that little bit too much, simply because I never really liked the character and simply needed someone I could dislike as his ex. *laughs*

Sorry for the delay in posting. With the holiday and me being sick in bed for almost a week, I didn't want to chance posting in my fevered state. Hope the chapter is up to par. It's told from Balthazar's POV & a bit longer than most because I was originally going to make it a Timestamp but it seemed like a good bridge between chapters.

Enjoy!

* * *

**ETA:** After re-reading and considering I went back and swapped the last two chapters. This Chapter 29 is the old Chapter 30 & vice versa.

* * *

**Chapter 29 - Lead Me Not Into Temptation**

The knocking on the front door doesn't immediately get his attention, he's entirely too focused on the chat window in front of him. It takes the ringing and vibration of the cell phone on the desk to gain Balthazar's notice. Castiel's smiling face lights up the screen and he picks up the phone, showing it to the web cam, "It's Cassie, darling. Give me a sec." He slides his finger over the cell phone screen to answer the call, "Hello?"

"_Will you please come let me in, Baz? I don't have my key and the garage is locked."_

Balthazar sits up from his reclined position and, now that he's listening for it, hears the distant knocking on the front door. He makes his way out of the study, phone held between his shoulder and ear as he fastens his jeans, "Coming." Balthazar hurries down the hallway, setting the phone down on the hallway table. He unlocks the deadbolts, pulling the front door open and takes in the sight of his best friend standing there, eyes red-rimmed. "Oh, Cassie…what happened?" Balthazar reaches out to take the cat carrier from Cas' hand, setting it by the entry closet and ushers him in, shutting the door. Before he can even turn around, his arms are full of a sobbing Castiel, "What happened, dear boy?"

"H-he f-found out."

The stuttered announcement makes Balthazar freeze, "Who? Dean? Found out what? About us?" He feels Cas nod against him and without thinking, blurts, "And you came _here_? Oh, dear God, Cassie. He'll be furious. At the very least, let me put on a shirt." Castiel only hugs him tighter, fingers digging into the flesh of his back, clutching at him desperately. Balthazar closes his eyes and finally wraps both arms around his friend, "Well let's at least get out of the doorway, hmm?" Cas looks up and nods, one hand coming up to wipe at his eyes. The look on his face is heartbroken and Balthazar wants nothing more than to make it all better, "You want some coffee, perhaps some tea?" Castiel only shakes his head and crouches to let M-ily out of her carrier.

Balthazar watches the kitten bolt out of her prison and heads back towards his study, knowing that Cas will follow him when he's ready. He sits back down in front of the computer and smiles at the sight that greets him. In Balthazar's absence, Joseph has stripped off his shirt and is now reclining in a horrid orange chair. He allows his fingertips to move over the chat window, tracing the other man's image before speaking. "Joseph, darling…I need to go." The apologetic look he gives the web cam is genuine, "Forgive me?"

Joe looks up from the paperwork spread across his lap and smiles, _"There's nothing to forgive, B. Is your friend okay?"_

"Turns out, his boyfriend found out about our history and going on how Cassie looks right now...I'd say it did not go well."

The other man winces and sits forward, _"Ouch. Well, go be with your friend; he needs you right now. Friendship is more important than what we were going to do. There's always next time, you know." _The other man winks and sets his paperwork aside. _"I hope things turn out okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow? Same time?" _Balthazar nods and air kisses the camera, the look on the younger man's face completely worth the small show of affection. _"Pórtate bien, Bal." _He chuckles at the Spanish and nods, miming a halo over his head while affecting an innocent expression. Joseph laughs, leaning in towards the camera and purses his lips, making an obnoxiously loud kiss-noise before ending the video chat.

"What happened to Chris?"

Castiel's voice makes him turn towards the doorway in surprise. His friend appears to have walked in just in time to see the end of the video exchange. He opens his mouth to answer and clears his throat, shrugging, "Dear Christian decided he didn't want a Sugar Daddy; had the audacity to tell me I was too old to be a…_'player'_ and that I should grow up." Speaking about the separation is difficult for him and he's avoided the subject because the pain is still too fresh. Which is probably why it slipped Balthazar's mind that his best friend wasn't aware of breakup until now. He tries for lighthearted, but his words come out forced and bitter, "So he went out and found someone his age. They're going to be monogamous, get married and have lots of babies."

"Baz…"

"I don't need your pity, Castiel." There's a clipped tone in his voice, one he can't help because the topic isn't something Balthazar wants to discuss. He gestures to the laptop with a hand, "As I'm sure you saw, I've moved on."

Luckily, the other man doesn't press the issue, simply says, "I did. He's very handsome and quite…built." Balthazar smiles. Leave it to Castiel to point out just how athletic his new friend is. Castiel singsongs playfully, "What's his name? Where'd you two meet? What does he do?"

His best friend has moved to sit beside him on the couch. Balthazar wraps an arm around Castiel and pulls him into a side-hug, kissing his temple, "His name is Matthew Joseph. I met him while on vacation, actually. Shortly after Christian and I went our separate ways. He's former military."

His friend gives him a speculative look, "Well, that's decidedly vague."

Balthazar laughs, "All I know is he's a former Marine who studied linguistics and is now working with the US Embassy. I literally ran into him at a small café; he was getting coffee before work, I ruined his suit _and_ made him late to his meeting. We met for lunch a few days later so I could make it up to him." Castiel gives him a smirk and against his control, Balthazar blushes, "Why are you giving me that look?"

"Because I know you, Baz. That and I just walked in on you video chatting with a half-naked man. I'm sure you managed to do _more_ than just have lunch." His friend nudges him with an elbow and gives him a lecherous eyebrow wiggle. "So tell me, just how well do you know this _former Marine_?"

"You mean do I know him in the biblical sense?" Castiel nods and then rests a cheek on his shoulder. "If you _must_ know…yes, I do." There is a small chuckle from his best friend, "Don't laugh." Balthazar gently shakes Cas and growls in his ear before taking a deep breath. When he speaks, his voice is quiet, almost timid, "I like him, Cassie. I really do." He chuckles, embarrassed with just how much of a sap he's being, "It's just…"

Castiel pulls away to look at him, a hand coming up to rest on his bare chest, "Tell me."

"It's be a long time since I felt this way about anyone and this time, I'm not the one that suggested we continue to see other people." Balthazar shrugs casually and stands up, "I'll be right back." He doesn't wait for Castiel to respond, simply walks out of the study and down the hallway towards his bedroom. It's not a surprise to find his cat sprawled atop his pillow when he walks in. Balthazar crosses the room, hand reaching to lightly scratch the soft, white underbelly of the feline. "You little bastard, you do realize that's my pillow, correct?" The only response he gets is an irritated _mewp_ and a sleepy paw swipe.

"He just wants to be near his Daddy's smell and your pillow would have the strongest scent." Balthazar turns and finds that Castiel has followed him into the bedroom. "I should know."

A smile lifts his lips at his ex's words. "Well, he's lucky that I just happen to," he gently tickles the cat's belly between each word, "love…him…to…pieces." The feline rolls onto its back, then over and away, summarily dismissing him. Balthazar moves to the closet and retrieves a shirt, pulling it on before asking, "So, are you going to tell me what happened with Dean?"

"I'm sorry I interrupted your video date. It looked like it was about to get interesting."

Balthazar laughs and shoves both hands in the pockets of his jeans, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet, "Yes, well…that was his idea. I was just going along with it." He shrugs, "I set him a video clip of me in the shower one morning and…he suggested the video chats. In the time we've known each other, they've soft of become our thing. I'd much rather speak on the telephone, but Joseph currently only has the one assigned to him by the Embassy." Balthazar sits on the edge of the bed and reaches up to scratch at his chin, "Phone sex a bit awkward when there's a chance the government is listening."

Castiel smirks and steps closer, cupping his face gently, "So you masturbate on video chat instead?"

"I, well…" a nervous laugh escapes him, "…he…he's the one…I mean…so far," Balthazar looks away, not even sure why he's embarrassed. It's not like he and Castiel hadn't done some rather adventurous things, sexually, in their time together. Perhaps that's why he's uncomfortable with the question. After a few minutes he finally mutters, "I just watch. Tonight I was supposed to repay the favor." Castiel grins at him. "Hence the…" Balthazar pauses to make a brief gesture to his formally half naked state. "Honestly…I was rather nervous."

"You? Nervous?" Castiel gives him a shocked look, mouth falling open dramatically.

"Oh, do shut up. I _can_ get nervous, you know." He scowls temporarily and then admits, "I just didn't want to disappoint him. Joseph's significantly younger."

Cas leans to kiss his forehead and reassures him, "You've always dated younger men, Baz. It's kind of your signature. I think most of your friends would balk if you dated someone even remotely close to your a-"

"He's thirty."

"Oh…" Castiel tries to not look shocked, but fails, "…my that is younger than most of your-"

Balthazar covers Castiel's mouth and shakes his head, "Please don't say 'boy toy.' I…" He shuts his eyes and leans forward to press his forehead to Cas' chest. "I hate that recently that phrase has managed to make me feel like a perverted old man."

"I was going to use the term 'boyfriend,' actually." Balthazar revels in the feel of Castiel hugging him, arms wrapping around the other man's waist. The feel of nails lightly scratching at his nape relaxes him and he smiles at his friend's words of encouragement. "You're _not_ a perverted old man, Baz. Don't ever let anyone tell you that! Perversion is subjective. If you, and the person you're with, enjoy what is happening…it's not perverted. Safe, sane and consensual, remember? _You_ taught me that." Balthazar looks up into Castiel's smiling face, "You're a man who, at heart, is much younger than his physical age. You rock climb for fuck's sake! I'm ten years younger than you and I don't rock climb."

He teases gently, "Because you're afraid of heights."

Castiel smirks and concedes, "Well, true, but that's besides the point!" Balthazar grins and leans into the embrace, wrists hooked together at the small of Castiel's back, fingertips hanging loosely. "Trust me, it takes a much younger man just to keep up with your sexual stamina! I remember having to beg for you to stop and give me a break." Balthazar's eyes flutter shut when Castiel uses both hands to grab fistfuls of hair, tugging his head back. "Christian's an idiot for saying the things he did. If I were you, I'd be gloating about the fact that I'd found someone new in less than a month. _Especially_ if he looked like _that_."

Balthazar blinks slowly, a lazy smile curling one side of his mouth, "He is attractive, isn't he?" Castiel nods and licks his lips salaciously, wringing a laugh out of him. "He's also extremely intelligent…and funny." He stops, noticing the look the other man is giving him, "What?"

"He's _intelligent_? And _funny_?" Balthazar's brow furrows and nods. He pulls back when Castiel leans in close, lips dangerously close to his, to sniff at him curiously. There's snuffling at the base of his throat, then behind his ear before Castiel asks, voice laden with suspicion, "Who _are you_?! And what have you done with my Baz?"

A surprised bark of laughter bursts free and Balthazar slaps a palm over Castiel's ass in reprimand, "Shut up, you brat!"

Castiel takes a step back and pulls him to standing, "Come on, I brought you something."

Balthazar allows the other man to drag him out into the hallway, "Mmmm…just what did you bring me, dear boy?" His bare feet slap quietly on the tile floor as he follows, both hands around Castiel's wrist.

The look he gets is rather devious, "It's a surprise, but I promise you'll like it."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Balthazar speaks around a mouthful of pastry, "You know, Cassie, these really are quite delicious. I would marry you on the merits of your baking alone." Castiel arches a brow at the statement, "Well, you know what I mean."

"Mm, yeah. I do." Castiel peels a section of his cinnamon roll and pops it into his mouth, licking his fingers clean afterwards. He swallows and sighs, "I made a huge batch of these when Dean stormed out. I just might have to eat them all. You can help." Castiel puts the remainder of his roll onto the plate in front of him and sits back.

"You going to tell me how he found out?"

Cas holds up a finger and stands up, "I'll do better." Balthazar watches him wash his hands at the kitchen sink before disappearing into the living room. When Castiel returns, he's holding an old laptop in his hands, "I'll show you."

"What…" Balthazar moves his plate aside when Castiel sits back down, setting the laptop between them. Within a few minutes he's staring at the video in shock. "Oh, dear Lord, Cassie. Why do you...I thought you'd…" He's at a loss for words, hands wiping over his face, "You told me you deleted those! Ages ago!"

"I did, Baz. Off the _new_ laptop you bought me. I'd completely forgotten about this one until today. This was in one of the boxes from when we split up. I must have just put them in storage and simply forgot about them. Dean was helping me go through old boxes and this was in the last one. I never would have let him…if I knew what was in it. He didn't deserve to find out like that."

"Oh, Cassie." Balthazar's voice cracks, "I'm so sorry."

"Oh, it could have been worse." Balthazar stares at him and scoffs, but Castiel doesn't see his expression of disbelief; he's pulled the laptop to face him. A few keystrokes then the laptop is being turned back towards him with two words of warning, "Trust me." The next thing Balthazar hears is Castiel moaning, with the obscene slapping of flesh on flesh serving as background music. His eyes widen as he takes in the tableau playing out on screen. A much younger Castiel is on all fours, facing the camera, staring straight into the lens; his lips are curled in a smirk and as Balthazar watches, transfixed, young Castiel licks his lips, then drags teeth over the bottom one before begging, _"Harder, Daddy. Please, fuck me harder."_

Even after all these years, the sound of those words said in that tone, from those lips…they go straight to Balthazar's dick. He presses the pause button and swallows hard. "I…how did you…"

Castiel leans to close out that video and click on another, typing in a few more keystrokes, "Do you want to see the other two?" Against his better judgment, Balthazar nods. Castiel hits enter, sitting back silently. The video window is completely dark, but the unmistakable sounds leave little to the imagination. Balthazar can't see it onscreen, but he's heard the sound of Castiel enthusiastically sucking him off on more than one occasion. He even remembers this morning; it was his thirty-fifth birthday and Castiel had woken him up with a rather spectacular blowjob. The young man had intended the video to be his second gift, but in his youthful eagerness, he'd forgotten to remove the lens cap. Balthazar leans both forearms on the table, head dropping down into his upturned palms. He hears the sleepy sound of his own voice saying Castiel's name and then the shy, _"Happy Birthday, Baz. I love you."_

Balthazar looks over at his friend and whispers, "Don't show me, just tell me which one is the last one."

"It's the one from our vacation in Paris." Balthazar tilts his head in thought; trying to remember just which video Castiel could be referring to. "After I got into med school, remember? We were staying in little bed and breakfast; the one with the-"

He snaps his fingers and exclaims, "The one with the creepy old bugger that kept hitting on you!" Balthazar laughs and shakes his head at the memory. "I remember now. He was rather persistent, if I recall correctly. Actually offered me money if I'd let him watch us have sex."

Castiel sputters, "You never told me that!"

Balthazar shrugs, "It wasn't of consequence, so I didn't see a point in mentioning it." He reaches to shut the laptop, hand splaying over it, asking even though he knows the answer, "The video from the balcony?" Castiel nods slowly and Balthazar shuts his eyes, ashamed that his youthful debauchery might possibly cost Castiel his happiness. "I am so sorry, Cassie. If there's anything I can do…" He sighs, not even sure how to finish the thought.

He feels Castiel's hand settle over his on the table and grips the slender fingers tightly, smiling when Cas tightens his grip in response. Balthazar opens his eyes at the tug on his hand and when he opens his eyes, Castiel is standing. "Come sit with me in the study?" At his undoubtedly curious look, Cas explains, "I've always felt safe there. Please?"

"Of course, Cassie."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Castiel tries calling Dean several times and gets sent to voicemail each time. Balthazar watches each call sadden his friend and in the end, he takes the phone from Castiel to keep the other man from causing himself further grief. He listens to Cas talk incessantly about how wonderful Dean is and then holds him while Castiel rants about just how much of a jealous, insecure bastard he is. Cas cries himself to sleep sometime around six o'clock, curled in a fetal position on the couch. Balthazar goes to stand up and without waking, Castiel clutches at the leg of his jeans, whimpering quietly at whatever dream plagues him. He runs fingers though the dark hair and can't help but smile when Cas instantly calms, quieting almost instantaneously at his touch. Castiel rolls over onto his other side and Balthazar uses the distraction to stand, retrieving the folded blanket from the foot of his bed.

He's a little surprised to see Castiel awake, "Didn't meant to wake you. Just went to get you a blanket."

"Going to tuck me in?"

Balthazar ignores the slight innuendo and nods, moving to drape the blanket over his friend. He sits back down and then scoots over, giving Castiel more room to get comfortable. It's a rather large couch, but he's soon up against the arm and Cas is still moving closer. Before Balthazar can react, his lap is full of a needy Castiel pressing against him. "Cassie, what are you doing?" The only response he gets is a tiny whine and a fist tightening in the fabric of his shirt. It's been a long time since Balthazar's allowed himself to be this close to his long-time friend and he knows it makes him weak for allowing it, but when Castiel rubs his face against his throat, he doesn't stop him. Balthazar feels the hand move down his side and then slide under his shirt and even with as much as he wants to let Castiel continue, he can't, "Cas, stop." Castiel licks up the side of his neck and that's what does it; Balthazar stands up and chastises, "Castiel, stop it!"

"Why, Baz? I can tell how much you liked it." Castiel pointedly looks down at his crotch and licks his lips, "Why deny me the comfort I seek?"

Balthazar grits his teeth and takes a breath to keep from yelling. "Because it's not me you want! You haven't wanted me that way in a very long time, Cassie. I won't let you use me just because you need someone to fill the void until your policeman comes to his senses. I refuse to let you do that to yourself." He stops when Castiel sucks in a breath in shock, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean…Cas, I just…I can't do casual sex. Not with you. Not anymore."

Castiel shuts his eyes and slumps over his bent knees, "You're right. I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing. This whole thing has me all fucked up. I just…" Cas pauses to take a shaky breath and rubs at his eyes with the back of his right hand, "I just needed to feel safe and loved. But you're right, it's not fair to do that to you."

"Hey," Balthazar sits back down and turns sideways on the couch to face him, "Come here." He gathers Castiel in his arms and when the other man buries his face into his throat, Balthazar lets him. The embrace is apparently what Castiel needs because his body relaxes against him, occasionally sniffling softly. "Feel better?" He feels Castiel nod and rubs a hand soothingly over his back. "You staying here tonight? I can take the couch if you want."

Castiel mumbles into his throat, "What time is it?"

Balthazar cranes his neck to look at the clock, "Just before seven-thirty. Why?" When Castiel doesn't answer, he guesses, "You're hoping he'll call?" He doesn't even need to feel the nod to know that he's right. "How about you take a nap and when he does, I'll wake you?" The look that he receives is one of dubious consent. "Unless you want to take more about what happened? We can do that too. Whatever you need, Cassie," Balthazar cups his right hand over Castiel's cheek and smiles, "I'm here for you. You know that."

"I know, Baz. You've taken care of me through more than you should have. Sometimes I feel like I've abused our friendship."

"No, Castiel. Never."

Cas smiles and continues, "I'm just telling you how I feel, Baz." Castiel grins when M-ily clambers up onto his lap and mewls at him, head-butting his chin for attention. "You know what he said?" Balthazar doesn't speak, knowing Castiel just needs to talk his way through it all. "He said it wasn't _what_ I'd done, but _who_." Balthazar turns his face to hide his reaction; he's always felt that Castiel's new beau didn't like him, but to hear it put so plainly? Even Balthazar, for all his nonchalance, had to admit that it hurt just a little bit. Luckily Castiel doesn't notice; he's still talking, "Said that he'd have been fine if I'd just told him, but that finding out like he did…"

"You have to admit, Cas…finding out like that was pretty brutal. Just imagine what your reaction would have been if you'd found a video of say, Dean and that firefighter, _in flagrante._" He pauses at the scowl on Castiel's lips and quirks a brow.

"Difference? I'm not jealous of Jeffrey."

Balthazar frowns and before he can say anything, Cas is speaking; enumerating all the off-hand comments Dean has made about their friendship. The longer Castiel speaks, the more Balthazar realizes just how much his demeanor has threatened his best friend's lover. It's a stupid insecurity, but he can understand where the policeman is coming from. They spend time just talking and reminiscing about random events. Castiel brings up Dean every few minutes and if Balthazar is honest, it doesn't bother him in the least. He loves the way his best friend's face lights up when he recounts some happy memory, but the look on Castiel's face when he mentions ways the other man has hurt him, Balthazar would be lying if he said his protective side didn't surge up.

It's closing on nine o'clock when the sound of a rumbling stomach makes Castiel blush. Balthazar chuckles and stands, ruffling the younger man's hair, "Stay, I'll make you something to eat. I'm a little hungry as well." He pauses to scratch between the sleeping kitten's ears before heading out of the study and down the hall towards the kitchen. His thoughts wander while he reheats two servings of leftovers from lunchtime. While he's waiting for the food to warm, he pulls a bottle of sparkling water from his refrigerator and two glasses down from the cupboard. He balances the two plates with their utensils on his left forearm, grabs the bottle of water, two glasses and heads back towards the study. Balthazar rushes in muttering, "Hot plates," under his breath.

Castiel lifts both plates off his forearm with a snort and chides him, "I could have helped."

Balthazar waves him silent and twists the cap off the bottled water, "Nonsense. You're the guest." He pours for the both of them and takes his plate, offering Castiel his glass. _"Bon appétit."_

Cas rewards him with a grin, setting his glass aside to pick up his fork. The two men eat in silence; the only sounds filling the study are of Castiel making exaggerated noises of food enjoyment. Balthazar chuckles and sets his empty plate aside after sliding the last two brussel sprouts onto Castiel's plate. The younger man quirks a brow and then promptly finishes them off without complaint. Balthazar leans back and rubs at his belly happily, shutting his eyes in relaxed contentment. His eyes open at the sound of a knock on the front door. He sits forward and gathers up the empty plates, making a detour to the kitchen to deposit them in the sink before heading to the door. Balthazar looks through the peephole and sighs. There, on his doorstep, is Dean Winchester. He seriously contemplates not opening the door, but when the man turns to walk back to his car, Balthazar opens the door. If his greeting is less than welcoming, well that can't be helped.

"What do you want, Officer Winchester?"


	30. For I Can Find It Myself

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

**Chapter Notes: **Quote is from Cradled In Love by Poets of the Fall. See end of chapter for more notes.

**AN:** Thank you to everyone that has taken the time to review! I knew the last chapter was going to get a response, but I wasn't expecting that many reviews! *laughs* Made me a little giddy to see all the emails when I got home from work after a hellacious shift.

* * *

**ETA: **After re-reading and considering I went back and swapped the last two chapters. This Chapter 30 is the old Chapter 29 & vice versa.

* * *

**Chapter 30 - ...For I Can Find It Myself**

Dean storms in the door and heads across the waiting room, "Is he in?" He points to the door with a shaking hand, voice trembling with barely contained rage as he stalks towards the inner door, "I need to speak to him. Tell me he's in."

The brunette looks up and gasps at Dean's entrance. Her hand slips under the desk and she presses the panic button. In an effort to stall for time, she replies in a trembling voice, "Uhh…Mr. Winchester…he's with a patient. If you'll take a seat, I'll let him know you're here." She gives him a nervous smile and reaches for the phone.

He nods, raking a hand through his hair and paces back and forth, leaking crazed energy into the atmosphere. Both hands rub at his face, arms reaching up to cradle his head. "Will you tell him it's urgent? I'm really close to doing something idiotic…please. It's important."

Dean barely registers the sound of the elevator, so he's surprised to hear, "Sir…if you'll step this way please…" When he looks up, three security guards are standing there, tasers in hand, all pointing at him.

"You called security on me, Ruby?" Dean stares at the receptionist in horror, "I'm not here to hurt him! I just," he takes a step towards the desk and one of the guards sees the gun at the small of his back.

"SIR! I need you to put your hands up!"

Dean backs up and does as he's told, both hands going up, fingers interlacing and resting on his head. He's about to get down on his knees when Dr. Trick comes out of the office to investigate, "Hey, hey! Put those away! He's a cop!" The psychologist comes forward and lifts up Dean's shirt, looking for and finding the badge at his waist. He turns Dean so the guards can see it. To his patient, he whispers, "Dean, what's the matter?"

And just like that, the dam breaks, tears spill down Dean's cheeks unchecked. His voice is broken and raw, breaths coming in frantic gulps, "Cas…he…he…"

"Okay, Dean, shhh…" Dr. Trick reaches up and pulls Dean's hands down from his head. He smiles, cupping his neck and lifts a hand to waves the security personnel away, "We're good. I'm fine. You can go." To Dean he murmurs, "Let's get you in here, okay?" Dean can only nod weakly. "Ruby, cancel the rest of my appointments for this afternoon." The receptionist nods and picks up the phone to start making calls.

Dean is halfway turned towards Gabriel's office when he stops and looks back, whispering, "I'm sorry I scared you, Ruby. I could never hurt you…I could never hurt anybody." His voice is quaking; whole body shaking with barely restrained emotion.

"She knows, Dean. Ruby was only doing what she was taught to do. Now come on, lets go in, okay? We'll talk as long as you need to okay?" Dean nods, head bent to rest on Dr. Trick's shoulder. "You want some coffee? Maybe a snack?"

The shattered policeman shakes his head and mumbles brokenly, "I want cinnamon rolls."

Gabriel hugs Dean against his side, "Sorry, Cowboy…I don't have any of those." There's a split-second of silence then he remembers something. He quietly discloses to Dean, "Just remembered…there _is_ pie in the break room." The psychologist turns briefly, waving a hand dramatically as the pair step into his office, "Ruby, two slices of pie, if you'd please!"

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Dean…did you ever stop to think that Castiel didn't tell you because he was afraid that _this_ is _exactly_ how you would react?" The psychologist gives him a second to process his statement before adding, "Plus…with everything you two have been through when would have been a good time?" Dr. Trick pauses to take a sip of his coffee and just watches him, his gaze a little unnerving. "There's never a 'good time' to hear about a lover's sexual past. Trust me. Only thing you _can_ do? Accept that it's the _past_."

Dean opens his mouth to speak and then shakes his head, choosing to close his eyes instead. He burrows his face into the pillow he's hugging and takes a deep breath. "

Dr. Trick asks gently, "What, Dean?" When all he can do is shake his head, Gabriel presses further, "Tell me…did you think less of Castiel for his past with Alastair?"

"Of course not!" Dean looks up, astounded that the other man would even ask him that. "I would never…!" He sits up and tosses the pillow onto the seat beside him, angrily crossing his arms over his chest.

"Then why are you so upset for his past with this Balthazar person?"

"Because it's _**not**_ his past!" Dean stands up and starts pacing, hands shoving into the pockets of his jeans. "He still spends so much time with him! The bastard's charming, witty…handsome, articulate, sexy…how can I compete with that?!"

Dr. Trick sighs, head falling forward into his upturned palm. For the first time ever, he looks completely exasperated with him, "Dean, this isn't a competition. When are you going to realize that? Castiel loves you. He wouldn't be moving in with you if he didn't love you."

Dean stops pacing, looking out the window of the psychologist's office and chokes out, "What if…" He presses his lips together and takes a calming breath.

"Tell me. What is it that you're afraid of?" Dr. Trick moves to join Dean by the window, arms crossed, hands tucking under his armpits so just his thumbs are visible. His stare is impassive, painfully so and Dean sighs, debating whether or not to share his darkest fear. To say the words out loud is to admit just how insecure the he really is. "It can't be that bad, Dean. Whatever you're imagining is by far wor-"

"I'm terrified that he's only with me because he's afraid of leaving me," Dean turns to look at the psychologist and admits the horrible truth, "that he feels…trapped in his relationship with me, just like he was trapped with Alastair."

Dr. Trick's eyes widen, "Oh, Dean…how can think that?"

Dean shrugs and jokes, "Low self esteem?"

"Stop right there. You're a wonderful person and some day you'll realize that. Those of us that believe it will just have to keep trying to convince you." Dean gives Dr. Trick a half-hearted smile. "I'm sure if you were to just _talk_ to your boyfriend, he'd tell you how wrong you are. Everyone has a past, Dean, even you. Don't forget that."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

It's nearly nine o'clock when Dean pulls into his parking spot. He'd seriously considered not coming back to the apartment at all, but he knew Castiel would worry and as much of a jerk Dean has been, he doesn't want that. The apartment is dimly lit when he gets inside. Dean slips his jacket off, moving towards the bedroom and is removing his scarf when he notices a plastic container on the bar. Taking a step closer, his head tilts inquisitively as he removes the little yellow sticky note stuck to the top. It says simply, _'I promised.' _Dean opens the container and is instantly assaulted by the smell of cinnamon rolls and vanilla frosting. He sets it down and hurries down the hallway to the bedroom, intent on apologizing profusely, but when he gets to there, the room is empty. Dean looks around and notices that Cas' suitcase, which had been resting on top of the dresser, is gone. A quick check of the bathroom confirms that the man's toiletry bag is missing as well. What he does find is another post it affixed to the counter by the sink. _'Guess I didn't live up to this one'_ is written in Castiel's neat handwriting. Resting just below the words is a small brushed-nickel stone with _'…for your honesty'_ etched into it. Dean's face twists painfully and he picks up the small token, holding it tightly in his clenched fist. He's dialing Cas' number, even as he slips into his jacket and heads back out.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"_You had the blue note sapphire eyes, to back up all those gazes_

_To pierce my guard and to take my soul off to faraway places_

_Told me I'll never be alone, cos you're right there"_

Dean lifts his hand and after a brief hesitation, knocks on the dark wood door. It's a good minute before he hears someone moving behind it. Dean looks up, positive that he's being watched through the peephole. He shoves both hands into his pockets and sighs, turning away to walk back to his car when the door doesn't open. It's not like he expected to…the sound of the door opening stalls his thought. Dean turns expectantly.

His reception is less than warm, "What do you want, Officer Winchester?"

"Is he here?"

The other man has one hand braced on the doorjamb and with a quick glance back inside, Balthazar steps out and pulls the door shut. He's dressed in loose-fitting jeans with a blue v-neck t-shirt and in that moment, Dean can see just why Castiel dated him. "I'll repeat my question, Officer Winchester…what do you want? Why on earth are you on my doorstep at," the blonde looks down at his watch, "nearly ten o'clock?"

"I'm here to apologize. I over-reacted-"

"You think?!" Dean shuts his eyes at the facetiousness of the question, but Balthazar isn't done, "I've known Castiel a _very_ long time and in all that time, no one has hurt him as much as you did today. No one. Not even Alastair and that bastard _raped_ him. Repeatedly, let me remind you."

"I know. It's why I'm here, Dr. Sebastian. Please, you need to let me speak to him. I just-"

Balthazar cuts him off with a snippy, "I don't _need_ to _let_ you do anything, Mr. Winchester. I'm well within my rights to have you removed from my doorstep. This is private property and I don't think I want you-"

"Let him in, Baz."

Both men turn, neither having heard the front door open. Standing in the doorway is a disheveled-looking Castiel. He's barefoot and wrapped in a blanket, cuddling a sleepy-eyed M-ily. Cas turns and heads back in without another word, clearly expecting both men to follow him. Balthazar clenches his jaw and waves a hand towards the door, gesturing for Dean to precede him inside. He does and lingers awkwardly in the doorway, not sure where to stand.

"He's in my study. This way."

Dean trails after him, eyes taking in the spacious condo as he walks through it. "You have a nice place. Must have cost you a nice chunk of change."

Balthazar stops and turns to face him, hissing under his breath, "I'm not playing Lets-Compare-Bank-Accounts with you, Mr. Winchester. There is no reason for you to feel threatened by me. None. Now quiet your pathetic attempts at platitudes and get in there an beg for that man's forgiveness or so help me God, I will gut you where you stand."

"Balthazar!" The blonde man winces and at the stream of angry French, ducks his head at Castiel's obvious reprimand. Dean stares between the two men and can't help but feel sorely inadequate as they speak in muted tones, none of the words in a language he can understand. "Dean. Get in here." Dean hesitates at the command; it startles him but he doesn't move, causing Cas to bark out, "Now!" He rushes forward into the study and flinches at the next flood of angry French that spews from Castiel's lips. Balthazar is shoved bodily into the study behind him and Dean backs up to keep the doctor from colliding with him.

"Cassie, dear, I didn't…"

"Shut up, Balthazar _Francis_!" At the instruction, the blonde man instantly stops talking, looking rather sheepish.

"Your middle name is Francis?" The words are out of Dean's mouth before he can stop them.

Balthazar glares at him and turns to pour himself a drink from the liquor cabinet against the far wall. The other man takes a sip and then pours a second glass before moving to stand across from him. Dean takes the proffered glass and is a little surprised he gets an answer, "It's _François_, actually." The other man takes a drink, watching him over the rim of the glass before adding, "I'm French."

Dean admits casually, "Huh…I thought you were British."

Balthazar shakes his head, "Nope. Common mistake, though." The ensuing silence is rather awkward and Dean looks around, not really sure if he should sit, stand or pace. Castiel is curled up on one of the armchairs in front of the fireplace, teasing M-ily from beneath the blanket. The kitten is butt-wiggle-pouncing the fingertip and then racing away from it when Castiel's whole hand 'retaliates.' Dean doesn't even realize he's smiling until Balthazar says, "That smile right there? That's how I know you love him as much as he loves you. Go apologize so you can both get to the best part of fighting." Just from the smirk, knows exactly what Balthazar is going to say and returns the smirk with one of his own when the doctor proves him right, "The Make-Up Sex."

Dean crosses the room and sits down on the floor by Cas' chair, reaching up to scratch between M-ily's ears. "I'm sorry, Castiel. I was a jerk to you. You don't owe me a run-down of your sexual history. God knows I haven't told you mine. If I hadn't been such a fucking snoop, none of this would have happened. I got carried away. It was…" He pauses to take another sip from his glass, the liquor burning a path on the way down.

"Just stop, Dean."

"No, let me finish." Dean looks up and pleads, "Please?" Cas isn't looking at him; his eyes are watching the kitten try to climb the leg of Balthazar's jeans. After nearly a minute, he finally gets a nod. "I liked seeing what you were like before Alastair. You seemed more…open. Relaxed, definitely." Dean leans forward and rests his cheek on the blanket, teasing gently, "Never would have pegged you as a twink though."

One corner of Castiel's mouth lifts in a tiny smile, mumbling almost inaudibly, "Surprise!"

Dean rubs his face into what he assumes is Cas' thigh and sighs at the feel of fingers gliding through his hair, "Your tight little body must have gotten you a lot of attention. The abs in that video alone, baby. Damn." He shuts up at the tug on his short hair.

"You realize that Balthazar and I are just friends now, right?" Dean nods. "We haven't been lovers in over six years, but he's still my best friend and I refuse to give up almost fifteen years of friendship to appease your jealousy."

He looks up in disbelief, "I would never ask you to do that! Baby, listen…I get that you're just friends. I was just…I never expected to find something like that on your laptop." His eyes widen at Castiel muttering something about being glad he didn't try to hack into the three password-protected ones. "Th-those were worse?" Cas nods and Dean swallows, the admission filling him with mixed feelings.

Castiel is watching him with a raised brow, expression slowly filling with awe, "You want to see them, don't you?" Dean shuts his eyes and buries his face into his boyfriend's side, utterly embarrassed. A stream of French passes between the other two men and when Dean looks up, Balthazar is sitting at his desk. He watches as the doctor unlocks a drawer and after another quick conversation that Dean can't understand, Balthazar puts a black lacquer box on the desktop blotter. Dean watches as he relocks the drawer and comes to stand beside Cas, holding the box out him.

"Baz, you…" Castiel stares at the box, then up at his friend, "…after all these years?"

Balthazar honest to God blushes and grumbles, "It's not like I watched them. I just…I didn't have the heart to destroy them." He shakes the box at Cas, "Take it, before I change my mind, you twit. And because I _know_ you're going to ask…yes, I'm sure." Castiel takes the box and Balthazar leaves the room, pausing only long enough to scoop up the striped kitten on the way out.

"Cas?"

Castiel is clutching the box in his hands, one of them fisted around something in his palm. Dean is more than a little surprised to see it's another one of the small brushed-nickel stones, this one with _'…because you love me' _etched into it. He looks up and with a grin digs the other one out of his pocket, dropping it to join its friend in Cas' palm. "How many are there, Dean?"

"How many have you found?"

There's a small laugh, followed by a cute little nose wrinkle, "Uh…just those two."

"Well, there are seven more for you to find." Dean kisses the tip of Castiel's thumb and hints, "I left them hidden around the apartment for you to find. It shouldn't take you that long to find them. It's like a scavenger hunt. You find all nine and you get your housewarming gift."

"You still want me?"

Dean looks up and moves to his knees, reaching up to frame Cas' face with both hands, "Of course I do. Always. Remember?" Castiel nods and Dean presses their foreheads together. "So, uh…what's in the bo-o-o-ox?" He laughs when Cas says the line along with him. When his boyfriend moves his feet, Dean squeezes onto the chair with him, pulling the other man into his lap. He rests his head on the opposing arm as Castiel and then proceeds to drums his fingers on the lid. "You're not gonna open it, are you?"

Cas assures him, "Oh, I am. Just psyching myself up for it."

The statement makes Dean even more curious but just as he's about to ask, Castiel opens the box and chuckles, pulling out a picture. He hands it to Dean; it's a side-picture of a grinning Cas pouring what looks like a bottle of milk over his face. Dean laughs and when he notices writing on the back of the one Castiel is now looking at, he flips his over and reads _'Cassie being a wastrel.' _He takes the next photograph from Cas and after looking at the back: '_we survived the conference…barely,' _Dean turns it over to smile at Balthazar and Castiel leaning on each other, eyes closed. The next one is Cas sticking his tongue out at the camera, as per his usual. This one has _'that damnable tongue' _written on the back. Castiel hesitates before handing the next one to him, but finally does. Dean laughs, eyes crinkling in the corners. It's a snapshot of the two men staring right the camera; the blonde doctor is mock-pinching Cas' nipple through his shirt and Castiel is leaning on his shoulder, seemingly licking the smiling man's cheek. On the back is scrawled _'had I known what he was doing, I __would__ have pinched him for real.' _The caption makes Dean laugh even harder. When Castiel reads the caption on the last one, he closes his eyes before handing it over. Dean reads the handwritten '_God, I love this man.'_ Turning it over reveals a photo of the two men hugging, Cas with an arm around Balthazar while the other man kisses his cheek. Castiel's eyes are closed and he's smiling that blissful little smile that Dean knows if very rare and precious.

There's a few ticket stubs in the box, along with a usb drive, two guitar picks, a d-ring with _'Happy Birthday'_ engraved on it and a handful of wine corks. Cas takes a deep breath and looks at him in the eyes, face deathly serious, "Before we do this, IF we do this…you need to be sure. You, of all people, know that there are some things you can't un-see." Dean frowns and then sucks in a breath when he sees the next thing pulled out of the box: a stack of small video tapes tied together with a length of blue-silk ribbon.

"Sonuva-"

* * *

For pics of certain things mentioned in this chapter please see one of my other sites.


	31. We're All A Little Broken Somehow

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

* * *

**Chapter 31 - We're All A Little Broken Somehow**

Dean doesn't realize he's been staring at the stack of videos until Castiel moves them out of his line of sight. He lifts his gaze to meet Cas' and reaches out to take them from his boyfriend's grip. His fingers are shaking minutely as he turns the stack over in his hands. The label on one of the tapes is partially visible behind the blue ribbon. Dean rubs his thumb over the word _'Paris' _and nervously asks, "Are they all sex tapes?"

"I don't know. Balthazar loves to capture memorable moments. The fact that these were in the box just means they include me. I won't know what's on them until I play them." Castiel smiles and admits, "A lot of them are probably from different vacations we took. Most likely tours and things like that. We weren't complete perverts in our time together." Cas cups his cheek and Dean leans into the touch, "No one says you have to watch them. We could just leave them in the box and forge-"

"I can't forget." Dean shuts his eyes, whispering, "I keep seeing you in that video. You were so young and relaxed…and I wonder…what it would be like to have met you before. I rarely get to see you that…free. Hell, I barely get to see you shirtless." He looks up and drags his thumb over the faint scar on Castiel's cheek, "What I wouldn't give to have spared you the scars and pain. It's a morbid curiosity, I guess. I'm not sure I could actually watch the videos if given the option."

"And you don't have to. All you need to do is know they exist. That and decide whether or not you can look past them enough to still love me." Dean leans to kiss him and smiles when Castiel pulls back to scold him for trying to change the subject. He deepens the kiss and growls when Cas pulls away again, "Dean, we shouldn't do this here."

"Do what? Kiss?"

Castiel gives him a look that broadcasts his thoughts clearly, "You know exactly what I mean. Don't be intentionally-"

"Obtuse?" Cas stops and stares at him in horror. Dean grins and winks, "I happen to love your vocab, baby." He laughs at the blush that flares over Castiel's face, leaning to whisper on his lips, "Love those blushing cheeks as well." Cas shoves at him playfully and Dean hugs him tight, face pressing into his neck, "God, I love you so much."

"I love you too. Now what do you say we go home and show each other just how much?" Dean nods and allows Castiel to stand up. The other man folds the blanket he was wrapped in and collects the two empty water glasses from the table. Dean drains the rest of his drink and hands his glass to Cas, moving to open the door for him. They leave the study and Castiel heads to the kitchen.

Dean chooses to wander down the hallway instead, looking at the pictures up on the wall. He's a little surprised to see just how many different locales the photos show. There's a rather large framed collage of pictures, most of them black and white; in them Dr. Sebastian is wearing a scrub top, jeans and combat boots. The collage features several pictures: at the top is Balthazar with a stethoscope hanging around his neck while pointing to something out of frame, just below that is one of him auscultating a small boy's chest, to the right of that one is a shot of him speaking to a wary-eyed woman, there's a photo of the inside of what looks like a tent hospital and some of people Dean doesn't know. The center snapshot is a double exposure and is the only one in color: the background is a gorgeous sunset, a myriad of colors blending together and the foreground is Balthazar holding a screaming newborn, a huge smile on his face.

He feels Castiel come up behind him, arms wrapping around his waist, "That's from one of his assignments with Doctor's Without Borders." Cas' hands smooth upwards to cover his chest, lips brushing over the nape of his neck.

Dean turns to look at Castiel over his shoulder and huffs a small laugh, "Charming, sexy, witty and a humanitarian? Damn, what the hell are you doing with me?"

Cas squints his eyes and pinches one of his nipples, "I happen to love you, you insecure bastard. _That's_ why."

Dean gasps in offence and turns to face him, "Insecure bastard? Really? That's what you think of me?" Castiel won't meet his gaze, head ducking to press into his shoulder. Dean cups both hands on the back of his boyfriend's neck and forces him to meet his gaze, both thumbs under his chin. "Cas, look at me." Castiel slowly lifts his gaze and Dean asks carefully, "You really think that?"

The other man shrugs and looks away, "I…I think we both are. We've both been hurt in the past and it's changed who we are. I mean, I've wondered if maybe I'm too broken to love you how you deserve to be loved. If maybe I should let you go find someone who-"

"No, Cas!" The urgency in his tone makes Castiel look at him again, "I love you, baby. So much…I just…you're right." Cas watches apprehensively and Dean reassures him, "I've been hurt by more than just Jeffrey and it's made it very hard to not think it's all been my fault. I mean…one lover cheating on you is bad enough, you know? But in the beginning, it's easy to blame the other person. The second time it happens you think maybe you're a little to blame, but by the third one, you're sure it's you. I mean, why else would three men decide I wasn't enough?" Castiel opens his mouth to speak, but Dean doesn't give him the chance, "I know I work a lot and I know we don't get to spend as much time together as you'd like, but I do love you and I'll try harder, okay?"

"It's not you, love. Trust me." Cas smiles and soothes gently, "You are more than enough for me. You're amazing and I would never do anything to jeopardize what we have. I love you. Completely and whole-heartedly." Castiel traces fingertips over his cheeks and ducks his gaze briefly, "Those men were idiots."

The statement surprises a chuckle out of him, "Idiots huh?" Cas nods and tugs him down for a kiss, tongue shoving into his mouth roughly. Dean steps back and laughs, "Woah there, tiger…what happened to 'we shouldn't do this here,' huh?"

Castiel claims his mouth again, stating rather impatiently, "Baz is a kinky motherfucker. He'd get off on it if he caught us doing anything really dirty."

Dean pulls away at the sound of Balthazar's voice, "Cassie's right." Both men turn to see the blonde man halfway out of his bedroom door, shirtless and wearing what appears to be pajama bottoms. Dean must look baffled because Balthazar explains, a small smirk lifting one side of his mouth, "I do have a _healthy_ kinky side. Although, I've never actually fucked anyone's mother." Castiel snorts a laugh and Balthazar steps around them carefully, "I'll be out of your way in a second; I was just going to grab something to drink."

"Dude, it's your house. If anything _we're_ in _your_ way." The other man lifts a hand to wave airily as he disappears into the kitchen and Dean whispers in Castiel's ear, "Holy hell, babe…he's ripped." Cas nods, chuckling under his breath, eyes crinkling in the corners. Dean quirks a brow, "I'm beginning to notice you have a type, Castiel." His boyfriend narrows his gaze while Dean enumerates qualities he and Balthazar share, "Let's see...tall, light eyes, tan…" He teases gently, "…Muscular, protective and I _used_ to be blonde. How old did you say he is?"

"I'm forty-five, Dean." A flush creeps up Dean's neck. He turns to see Balthazar in the entrance to the kitchen, taking a sip from a can of flavored sparkling water. The older man wipes the back of his hand over his lips and asks, "Why?"

"I, uh," Dean laughs, embarrassed, "no reason really."

Balthazar's lips quirk, his disbelief evident and lifts the can to take another sip. Dean's eyes are drawn to where the doctor's hand is trailing up his abdomen towards his chest, fingers idly toying with the pendant dangling from the chain around his neck. He feels Castiel move from his side to pick up their striped kitten and head down the hallway to presumably put her in her carrier for the trip home. Dean doesn't realize he's staring at the blonde man until Balthazar casually remarks, "You do realize, Mr. Winchester, that men who look at me that way usually end up naked in my bed?"

His gaze snaps up to meet Balthazar's and he falters, "I'm sorry, what?"

The other man takes a step forward, crowding Dean against the wall. His voice is flippant and slightly annoyed, "I absolutely detest having to repeat myself. Let me rephrase, shall I? I would appreciate it if you would stop staring at me like you're wondering what my skin tastes like."

Dean's mouth drops open in shock but he's saved from responding by Castiel's reappearance. "Is it really _that_ difficult for you to behave?" For a split-second Dean thinks Cas is speaking to him until his right hand lifts to push at the center of Balthazar's chest, forcing the other doctor to take a step back. Castiel's voice is tinged with jealousy when he hisses, "Knock it off." The words fill the hallway with unmistakable tension and Dean glances nervously between the two friends.

Balthazar backs away and leans against the opposite wall, smirking, "I wasn't going to do anything to your precious policeman, Cassie. I have a Marine," there's a brief pause as Balthazar takes another sip from his drink. Then, "and _no one_ fucks like a Marine."

Dean watches Castiel's expression; the younger doctor stares in open-mouthed surprise for a few seconds. Suddenly he dissolves into laughter and just like that the tension in the hallway disappears. "You're incorrigible." Balthazar shrugs and gives them one of his trademark grins. "And on that note, Dean and I are heading home. Please extend my apologies to your new friend when you speak to him tomorrow."

"I will."

The men pause in the entryway and Dean looks between the two doctors before picking up Castiel's suitcase, giving them privacy to talk. He carries it out to the car, intentionally taking more time than necessary. Balthazar and Castiel are in the middle of a hug when Dean walks up to the front stoop. They pull apart at the sound of his throat clearing and Cas whispers, "thank you," before joining him on the small porch. They say their goodbyes and M-ily lets out a pitiful yowl from inside her carrier just as Balthazar is shutting the door. Dean reaches to take the messenger bag slung over Castiel's shoulder and his boyfriend smiles at him, "Lets go home."

"You gonna follow behind me?"

Cas takes his hand and tugs him towards the Impala, "I was thinking I could ride with you and I'd get my car another day. That okay with you?"

Dean smiles and kisses their interwoven fingers, "Like I'd complain about you riding shotgun?" Castiel gives him a bashful little shrug and Dean laughs, "Oh stop it, come on."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"What are you looking for?" Dean is sitting cross-legged on the center of the bed, watching Castiel rifle through the dresser drawers. He takes a sip from his beer and shakes his head in bemusement when Cas shuts the drawer and turns to lean his hips on the furniture, eyes drifting around the bedroom. "If you tell me what you lost, I'll help you find it." Castiel rolls his eyes and comes to flop onto the bed next to him. Dean leans over him and repeats the question between small teasing kisses, "What…are…you…looking…for?"

"I was looking for the rest of those little stones." Dean laughs and Cas shoves at him in disgust, rolling onto his side, facing the nightstand. He mutters under his breath, "You're a jerk."

Dean leans to whisper in his ear, "But you love me." Castiel makes an irritated noise and squirms away, closer to the edge of the bed. Dean follows him, invading his personal bubble and Cas watches him out of the corner of his eye. "You keep moving and pretty soon, you'll fall off the side of the bed, baby." Castiel sits up and moves back towards the dresser, hands shoving into his pants to empty his pockets. He yawns and separates the two stones, setting them aside before dropping the spare change into the small jar next to the charging station valet. Dean watches him with interest as he removes his watch, pulling open the small drawer to put it away. Castiel makes a small yip of surprise; nestled inside the valet drawer is another stone. Dean smiles at the huge grin on his boyfriend's face, "Which one did I put in there?"

Cas turns the stone over and laughs, "The '…because you rock' one." His nose wrinkles in laughter and the third stone joins the other two on the dresser top. Dean finishes the last of his beer and sets the bottle on the nightstand. He watches Castiel get ready for bed and slips off the bed to do the same, changing out of his clothing and into a pair of sleep pants. Cas is humming under as he brushes his teeth and Dean joins him, bumping his hip playfully. Castiel gives him a toothpaste-y smile and resumes his humming.

It takes Dean a minute to place the song and he can't help but tease him as he wets his toothbrush, "Kelly Clarkson? Seriously?"

Cas wrinkles his nose cutely (his My-Mouth-Is-Occupied raspberry facial expression substitution) and rinses his mouth. Dean is just starting to brush his teeth when Castiel busts into song, using his rinsed toothbrush as an impromptu microphone. _"'Thanks to you I got a new thing started. Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted. Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'bout me!'" _Dean laughs, because not only is Cas singing, he's dancing around behind him. The doctor seamlessly shifts to another Kelly Clarkson song, dragging out parts of the lyrics as he pokes a finger at various parts of Dean's anatomy. _"'…'cause we belo-o-o-o-ong toge-e-e-ether n-o-o-o-o-ow. Yeah. Forever uni-i-i-i-ited he-e-e-e-ere someh-o-o-o-o-ow. Yeah. You got a pi-e-e-e-e-ece of m-e-ee and ho-nest-ly, my life (my life) would suck (would suck) witho-o-o-o-out you!'" _Dean is laughing by the end of the song. He rinses his mouth, mumbling about Castiel's 'questionable' taste in music and his boyfriend's response is to sing yet another Kelly Clarkson lyric at him, _"'Hey. Hey. Hey. He-e-e-ey, just walk away! Just walk aw-a-a-ay…just walk aw-a-a-ay…'" _Castiel gives him a stern look and says in his normal voice, "Just walk away, Dean."

Dean tosses his head back, laughing hard and in doing so, misses Cas pulling open the drawer to grab the floss. He does, however, hear the excited yelp that signals Castiel finding another stone; this one with _'...because of your great smile' _etched into it. Dean nuzzles into Cas' neck and singsongs, "Four down. Only five to go." Castiel flat out giggles and kisses him, both arms wrapping around his neck. Dean gives himself over to the kiss, gripping Cas' hips in both hands. He deepens the kiss, one hand sliding under the waistband of Castiel's striped sleep pants to splay his hand over the curve of his lover's ass.

It's Cas that finally pulls away from the kiss, tugging Dean out of the bathroom by the waistband of his pajama bottoms. He makes a small detour to add the newest stone to the small pile of the other three and then drops to his knees in front of Dean, tugging the pants down impatiently. There's a long slow lick up the base of his dick, then Castiel is mouthing at the spongy tip, the barest edge of teeth making Dean whine in his throat. Cas grins; tongue probing at the tiny slit, coaxing a bead of precum out of him. Dean's eyes drift shut, his mind barely coherent enough to make sense of the filth Castiel is taunting him with. He loves when Cas lets loose, getting really raunchy in bed and it seems that it's going to be one of those nights.

The blowjob is messy, spit running down his balls and the smearing over the trimmed curls at the base of his cock. Castiel is moaning like a starving man at an All-You-Can-Eat buffet, mouth gliding up and down Dean's shaft in alternating quick-slow-slow-quick passes. He shoves deep into Cas' throat just once and the slide of Castiel's lips over him is agonizing. Dean hazards a glance down and sure enough, Cas is watching him; blue eyes wide and pleading. Castiel's hands shift to frame Dean's hips and he tilts his head back, jaw dropping open in obvious supplication. "Does my little cocksucker want a nice hard skull-fucking?" Cas blinks twice slowly and Dean cards his fingers through the tousled mop of dark hair. He tightens his fist and jerks Castiel's head to the angle he wants before thrusting into that gorgeous mouth. Soon the bedroom is filled with the sickening _'glurk-glurk-glurk' _from each of Dean's brutal thrusts into Cas' throat. When he finally spills down the doctor's gullet, Castiel's face is a mess of tears, snot and drool. "Such a dirty boy."

Cas preens and Dean slips free of that wonderful mouth to drop down next to him. "_Your_ dirty boy." The words are whispered and shy, but Dean hears them and nods. He wipes at Castiel's face, fingers as gentle as his thrusts were rough. There's blissful look on his boyfriend's face and Dean would be lying if he denied just how much of a rush it is to know he put it there. Cas smiles while Dean cleans his face, relaxing in his grip until he's leaning heavily against him. "I love you," is mumbled into his chest, followed by a happy giggle.

"I love you too, Cassanova. Now let's get you into bed." Dean stands up slowly, steadying Castiel when he stumbles before just scooping him up into his arms. The thinner man simply burrows his face into Dean's chest and allows himself to be manhandled into bed. They fall asleep facing each other, limbs tangled, foreheads pressed together.

* * *

**Chapter Notes:** The songs that Castiel sings are all by Kelly Clarkson. Songs in order are: Stonger (What Doesn't Kill You), My Life Would Suck Without You and Walk Away.


	32. The Morning After

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

* * *

**Chapter 32 - The Morning After**

Dean wakes to the smell of fresh coffee. He rubs at his face, yawning as he rolls closer to the edge of the bed. When squinting at the alarm clock doesn't help focus it, he scowls, remembering that he actually took his contacts out last night. He stumbles out of the bed and into the bathroom. "I hate to break it to you, M, but that's not a cat bed, it's a sink." The kitten yawns and meows at him. Dean scoops her up and sets her on the floor, "Now, go on, git!" M-ily shoots out of the bathroom and promptly hops up onto the bed, burrowing under the covers. Dean shakes his head and shuts the door, starting his morning routine, the smell of coffee persuading him to be quick.

He dries his hands, picking up the contact lens case and scowls. In his haste to take them off last night, he must have forgotten to add solution because the lenses are curled up on themselves and dried stiff. Dean pulls open the top drawer, hand riffling through the contents before shutting it to open the second one and then the third. He slams the drawer, muttering, "Sonuvabitch!" With a resigned sigh, he leaves the bathroom to pull open the bottom drawer of the nightstand. There, amid all the odds and ends that make it into the drawer, is his black eyeglass case. Dean picks it up, opens the case and scowls, slipping the eyeglasses out and onto to his face. He shuts the case with a muted _snick_ and drops it back into the drawer, closing it with his foot.

Dean wanders out of the bedroom and follows his nose to the kitchen, the smell of bacon a strong motivator. Castiel is busy filling two coffee mugs and doesn't see Dean when he enters. He waits until Cas sets the coffee pot back in its cradle before wrapping his arms around him and pressing a kiss to his ear. Castiel stiffens briefly and then relaxes into the embrace, "Good morning, sleepy head. " His boyfriend's hands rub up and down his arms before he turns to face him, mouth dropping into an 'o' of surprise. "Glasses?"

The policeman chooses to ignore the question, asking one of his own instead, "It's barely eight o'clock, babe. How long have you been awake?"

Castiel shrugs, "I woke up a little before dawn and couldn't get back to sleep. I unpacked some boxes; added my DVDs to your collection. Kept the special edition/deluxe versions and boxed the others. Figured you'd want those and we now have a box of duplicates to sell." Dean nods and curls his hands around the coffee mug Cas hands him, lifting it to take a sip. "I was going to bring you breakfast in bed, you know."

"Mmm well, I can always go back to bed and act surprised." Dean grins and sets the mug aside, "What'd you make me for breakfast?" He peeks over Castiel's shoulder and smiles at the two plates sitting on the counter.

"I made you a fried-egg sandwich and bacon. I also warmed up some of the cinnamon rolls I made yesterday; they always taste better that way." Cas turns to pull open the over and the smell hits Dean, making his mouth water. Castiel chuckles at his reaction as he slips the oven mitt on to withdraw the small baking dish and sets it down on a small metal tray Dean doesn't recognize. "I unpacked my kitchen boxes too. Added them to your rather bachelor pad-esque cupboards. Hope you don't mind."

Dean shakes his head and tells him, "It's your apartment now too, baby."

Castiel nudges him with a hip and hints, "Why don't you take our plates to the table." Dean nods and does as he's told. He returns to fetch the utensils and coffee mugs, lifting only his when Cas picks up his own on the way out of the kitchen. His boyfriend has plated the rolls and Dean makes a small whiny-dog noise as he walks by him and into the other room. Castiel teases him with the plate, walking backwards and blowing softly over the rolls to make their smell waft into Dean's face.

The two men sit and enjoy their breakfast in near silence, interrupted only by the sounds of M-ily's begging meows. Dean drops a small piece of bacon for the kitten and smiles innocently when Cas gives him a glare, "I don't want to hear you complain when she's farting up a storm later."

Dean laughs and assures him, "Babe it was a tiny piece. I promise if she gets the shits I will clean up the mess." Castiel points a warning finger at him and then presents his pinky. Dean stares down at it, hooking his own around it when he realizes what Cas is wanting, "I pinky swear, babe. I'll clean up any mess my bacon indiscretion causes." Castiel laughs and pulls him closer, kissing the smile off his face.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

They're halfway to the recycling center when Dean's cell rings. He fishes it out of his jeans, briefly looking down at the screen before stopping at the streetlight. It's from a number he doesn't recognize. Dean frowns and answers the call, "Hello?" Castiel looks up from the catalog he's flipping through and turns to look at him curiously.

"_Hello, Officer Winchester."_

Dean answers with a polite, "Dr. Sebastian," as he pulls forward when the light turns green. He can feel Cas staring at him from the passenger seat and gives him a smile before returning his gaze to the road.

"_You're probably wondering how I got your number." _Dean makes an evasive noise and Balthazar continues, "_It seems to dear Cassie left his cell phone behind last night. Just wanted to make you aware so that he doesn't forget it when the two of you retrieve his car."_

"Oh, thanks. We're heading to get rid of some boxes but give us like an hour?"

"_I'm at work, but I left the inner garage door unlocked so you could get inside. Cassie knows the code to open the garage, just please lock the door leading into the condo when you leave."_

"Uh, sure, no problem."

"_Another thing…instead of getting rid of the boxes, you could store them in my garage. There's a small closet in there that's empty; if you want to use it, feel free." _Someone calls out Balthazar's name and then a muted conversation as if the doctor covered the handset. A few seconds tick by and then the other man is speaking to him once more, _"Sorry to cut our conversation short, but I'm needed elsewhere. Anyway, the offer stands. Say hi to Castiel for me." _

"Thank you and I will." They say their goodbyes and Dean disconnects the call, setting the phone on the seat between his legs. He turns to smile at Cas and tells him, "Balthazar says hi." Castiel just stares at him for further explanation, "You left your phone at his condo. Says we can use his garage to store the boxes instead of getting rid of them?"

Cas chuckles and tells him shyly, "I told him you mentioned getting a bigger place when your lease was up."

"Ah. Well, in that case…" Dean switches lanes and then takes the next on ramp to the freeway. Castiel goes back to the catalog in his lap and they head to Balthazar's place. Less than twenty minutes later, Cas is punching in the code to open up the garage door and heading into the condo to retrieve his cellphone. Dean puts the boxes in the small storage closet and heads back to the Impala. Castiel emerges with a small black leather bag that he tosses into the front seat. Dean waves and pulls away from the curb to begin the trip back home as soon as Cas is done backing out of the driveway and the garage door is shut.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Dean is sitting at the computer, sliding his debit card back into his wallet when Cas gets home. He sets the leather billfold on the desk and laughs at the teasing, "Surfing for cartoon porn again?"

"It was one time, Castiel! You're never going to let me live it down are you?"

Cas sets the black bag on the floor and removes his jacket, "Nope. Never." He proceeds to mimic the high-pitched squeals from the clip he'd caught him watching. Dean completes his contact lens order and slouches in the chair, blushing in embarrassment. "I bet you're getting hard just remembering the purple-haired boy getting pounded by his professor."

"Babe!"

Castiel laughs and moves to settle on his lap, peeking at the screen surreptitiously while he does. "Awww…I like how you look in glasses." Dean rolls his eyes and makes a face. "I do, love. So studious and vaguely…" he leans in and whispers, "…professor-esque."

"Maybe so, but work is easier with contacts. Sweat and glasses doesn't mix well."

Cas makes a happy little noise and licks his lips salaciously, "Sweat mixes well with everything, love. _Especially_ yours." Dean laughs and tilts his head back for Castiel's kiss, giving his boyfriend free-range of his mouth. He licks his lips when Cas moans into his ear, "I love you all sweaty. My big strong policeman...one of these days I'm sneaking after you to watch you at the gym."

"You don't have to sneak around, baby. You can join me." He smirks and adds, "That way you can ogle several hot, sweaty policemen grunting through their CrossFit workout. You'd get plenty of fodder for your Spank Bank."

Castiel assures him, "I don't want to ogle _them_, love. Just you…only you." Dean shoves his hands up under Cas' sweater, tugging his undershirt out of the jeans so he can touch bare skin. "Besides, who needs a Spank Bank when I have a virile man like you? You keep me very well-satisfied, D."

Dean pulls back; leaning away from the next kiss in response to the new nickname, "Don't call me that." He sees the hurt flare across Castiel's face and he rushes to explain, "I…uh, fuck! Sorry. One of my exes used to call me that. Didn't mean to snap at you. C'mere." He wraps both arms around his boyfriend and noses at his ear, "You can use it…just might take me a li'l bit to get used to it coming from you, okay?" Cas nods and snuggles into his embrace, lips pressing a kiss to his throat.

The doctor sounds positively blissed out when he murmurs, "I love how safe you make me feel." Dean smiles at the compliment. "I meant what I said, about being very well-satisfied. It's been years since I felt this free to ask for what I want in bed."

"Since Dr. Sebastian?" Castiel lifts his head and glares at him. "I wasn't being facetious, baby; simply asking. We don't have to talk about it. Just forget I even brought it up." He sighs, fiddling with the computer mouse to avoid meeting Cas' eyes. He clicks to open his music-streaming program and clicks on one of the playlists to fill the silence. Castiel turns to type in a song title and Dean smiles into the sweater-clad shoulder directly in front of him when the song starts, "Smart ass."

"Perhaps…but I'm _your_ smartass." Dean groans softly when Cas shifts in his lap, tugging the sweater over his head, quickly doing the same with the deep blue undershirt. The doctor peers over his shoulder and rocks his hips as he leans back against his chest. "I believe someone mentioned that they never get to see me shirtless?" Dean hums a yes and kisses the newly naked shoulder, directly over one of the faint scars. Castiel sucks in a breath asks, "You realize how sensitive some of those are, right?"

"Mmm hmm…same thing with mine, especially the one on _my_ shoulder that you're always licking and sucking." Dean moves to tongue over the three-inch scar near the center of Castiel's back, to the left of his spine. A soft whimper vibrates through the doctor's chest and Dean kisses the nape of his neck. "So, we gonna sit in this computer chair or can we get comfortable on that kickass couch of yours?"

Cas snickers and looks over his shoulder, "I was going to ask if you wanted to watch the videos. Figured the smaller computer screen would be better than that monstrosity."

Dean gasps at the affront to his glorious wall-mounted television, "You take that back! I didn't hear you complaining about that 'monstrosity' while we watched _The Avengers_ for the umpteenth time!" He huffs and turns his head away from Castiel's forgiveness-seeking kisses, laughing when Cas rushes out of his lap to kneel in front of the television, apologizing profusely.

Castiel stands up and nuzzles up to the side of the large television and pretends to be listening to something, nodding repeatedly. Dean watches the interaction with interest, nearly falling out of his chair when Cas assures him, "She forgave me for my slight."

He's laughing hard when he calls out, "Get over here, you dork!"

His boyfriend settles back into his lap with a grin, "_Your_ dork." Castiel is kissing him again and Dean smiles against his lips. The blue of his eyes has shrunk to a thin rim around dilated pupils and it's a bit of a rush to know he put that look in the other man's eyes.

"Go get your videos, baby." Cas eases from his lap and crosses to where his suitcase is still sitting by the front door. Castiel is back holding the stack of tapes and the small black leather bag when Dean suddenly realizes something, "Wait! How are we gonna watch those tapes without the-" He shuts up when Cas opens up the bag to pull out a small video camera. "Oh. Well that solves that."

Castiel doesn't say anything; simply hands the camera to him and crawls under the desk to plug in the power cord. He emerges with two of M-ily's 'lost' toys, both of which he tosses across the room in the direction of the sleeping feline. Dean hands the camera over and watches as Cas connects a series of cables between the back of the computer's tower and the camera. "Pick one." Dean looks down at the tapes Castiel is pointing at. He unties the blue ribbon and flips through the stack:_ San Francisco, Graduation, Australia, Paris, The Caymans, Thanksgiving Disaster/Thanksgiving Redux, _and _The Christmas We Got It Right. _The last one is simply labeled _'DB.' _Dean holds it up and Cas takes it and shakes his head, urging him, "Pick another one to watch first."

"You told me to pick one and then reject my choice?"

"Dean…_'DB'_ stands for _'Daddy's Boy.'_

His mouth opens and shuts mutely, a flush raging over his cheeks before he whispers, "Oh." He swallows hard and hands him another tape, "Thanksgiving then."

Cas gives him a smile before climbing back into his lap. Dean watches him slip the tape in and shut the small door, leaning back against him so he can see. "Ready?" Dean nods and Castiel shuts down the music-streaming program, clicking on the small window that pops up on the screen.

The video is fairly innocuous: a younger Cas is racing around a small apartment in a turkey apron yelling at Balthazar to help him. The older man sets the camera down (allowing an unfettered view of the fire on the stove) before moving the pan off the burner and covering it with a lid, smothering the flames.

Dean chuckles and gets elbowed in the ribs. He smiles and whispers, "Nice to know you weren't always a whiz in the kitchen, baby."

The camera is still trained on the now extinguished fire but you can hear the sound of young Castiel sobbing in the background and Balthazar soothing him gently, _"It's okay, Cassie. Don't cry. Sweetheart, it isn't as bad as all that." _Dean swallows and rubs his hand over Cas' naked chest when the younger version sobs, _"But it's your favorite dish and I wanted it to be perfect! I'm such a fuck up!" _The video flickers to a shot of Balthazar's face while he narrates, _"Cassie is upset because the meal isn't coming along as planned. The turkey is overly dry in his opinion and the soufflé failed puff up like it should. I've tried explaining that the only thing that matters is that we-" _The camera is taken from Balthazar's hands and an angry Castiel berates him, _"Damn it, Balthazar! I don't need my failures immortalized for all to see!"_

Dean kisses Cas' ear and whispers, "He was trying to record a nice message for you, baby."

Castiel smiles and nods, "I know that now, but back then I was sure he was making fun of me."

The rest of the first half of the video is Balthazar chasing behind Cas to save the camera from plummeting to its death out of the window and onto the sidewalk below. Dean laughs at the face the older man makes at the camera before shutting it off. The second half is (Dean guesses) the following Thanksgiving. Castiel is attempting to put a tie on and Balthazar comes over to help him with it after setting the camera down on what he supposes is a dresser across the room. He watches the doctor sidle up behind his boyfriend and reach around to tie the Windsor knot. Young Cas turns and kisses him, whispering, _"Thank you, Baz."_ Dean feels Castiel turn to look at him and he smiles, "You look so happy, baby."

Cas grins and nods, "I was. Dinner turned out _awesome_ that year." The video Castiel says pretty much the same thing as he moves around the dinner table, _"As you can see…dinner turned out pretty awesome this year. The only casualty was the pumpkin pie. This man…" _the camera focuses on a guilty looking Balthazar, _"…killed it. For some unknown reason, he shoved it off the bar to its death." _The camera focuses in tighter and Cas hisses, _"Bastard!"_

Dean laughs and squeezes his lover, playfully teasing, "You're such a drama queen."

"He did! I saw him pouring a glass of wine, look around and push it off the counter. He didn't even try to catch it!" Both men laugh when the video Cas says the exact same thing in a horrified voice. The video cuts to a tripod view of the dinner table and its guests; there are about fifteen people sitting around the large table. The blonde woman, Rachel, says Grace and Balthazar stands to carve the turkey. It's a meal full of laughter and smiles with plenty of brief kisses between Balthazar and Castiel. What surprises Dean is the fact that there are just as many between Rachel and both men. He turns to see Cas watching him with a smirk, "Yes, we were a threesome for awhile."

"I thought you were…just…I," Dean presses his lips together to avoid embarrassing himself.

"Rachel's the only woman I ever had sex with." Castiel makes 'yuck-face' and Dean arches a brow. "Apparently I rocked her world but…"

"She didn't do the same for you?" Cas shakes his head, tilting it slightly in thought, watching him. Dean knows he's contemplating whether or not to say whatever just popped into his head. He kisses the slope of shoulder and promises, "You can tell me."

Castiel looks at him and rubs their cheeks together, "The only way I could cum was if Balthazar was fucking me while I fucked her. Otherwise…she'd have to suck me off."

"Damn. Okay…that visual was hot." Dean laughs, embarrassed at his admission. "That came out wrong, I meant-"

"Which part? Me fucking a woman or me fucking a woman while getting fucked…or was it the whole 'Balthazar fucking me' that got you hard?" When Dean opens his mouth to deny the statement, Cas grinds in his lap, rubbing his ass over the obvious line of his erection. He groans at the whispered, "It's okay…you can tell me."

Dean hoarsely confesses, "All of it."

"The threesome idea?" Dean nods. "Male-Male-Female or Male-Male-Male?" Dean's breath hitches and he presses his lips to Castiel's spine, "Well I know you're not bi so I'm guessing three men." Fingers rake along his forearms, "Don't hide, Dean…talk to me."

"I've never had sex with a woman. The farthest I've gotten is fingering a friend in college. She broke up with her boyfriend and we got drunk in her dorm room. I was the 'safe gay friend,' so her roommate didn't think anything of me climbing into bed with her. We made out and she came on my fingers. It was…interesting."

Cas snickers, "Interesting?"

"Shut up." Dean laughs, "I don't know how else to describe it. I was basically just futzing around, wondering what the fuck I was touching. She told me later that I was the first guy to find her g-spot. We messed around like that a few more times but never actually had sex. Would I do it again? Dunno. Although, boobs are kinda awesome. They're nice to nuzzle into."

Castiel tosses his head back and flat out howls with amusement. Dean tries to act insulted but eventually joins in, tears streaming down his face by the time they're able to quell the laughter. They never get to the next video in the stack; ending up on the couch cuddling instead.


	33. Movie Night

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

**See end of chapter for notes.**

* * *

**Chapter 33 - Movie Night**

At the faint whistle, Dean withdraws the cellphone from the front pocket of his jeans. He swipes a finger across the screen and then taps it with his thumb. It's a picture message from Castiel, who's at work until seven the following morning. The photo is of one of the small silver stones (etched with the words _'…because you're an inspiration'_ into it), cradled in the center of his boyfriend's palm. It's accompanied by a single word text: _FIVE!_ Dean taps out a quick reply and sets the phone on the coffee table. Within seconds the phone whistles at him again. Castiel's reply makes him grin. The snapshot is of Balthazar mock-puking into a paper bag with _'Kill Me __Now__!' _written on the side of it. He's chuckling as he responds, not even bothering to set the phone aside this time. Within minutes, his boyfriend sends him another picture; this one of him holding the small stone between his pursed lips, the etched _'I love you…' _facing the camera.

Dean lifts the phone to take a picture. He holds his right hand in front of his chest; middle and ring finger bent towards his palm; thumb, index and pinky held straight out. The message is still in the process of being sent when Sam comes back into the living room. Dean sets the phone on the cushion beside him, taking both the bowl of popcorn and beer bottle being held out to him. Sam disappears again, returning with a beer of his own and a bowl of pretzels. His brother sits down next to him on the couch and nudges him, "What are we gonna watch?"

"I don't care," Dean shrugs, "what do you have that I haven't seen?"

"Uh…I dunno." Sam sets his beer and pretzels aside and moves to the TV console, flipping through the small stack. "Let's see…_The Bourne Legacy_?"

Dean shakes his head, "Saw it with Jo."

His brother sets both _The Dark Knight Rises_ and _MIB3_ aside, "We saw both of those together and this one," he holds up _The Expendables 2_. "I'm sure you don't want to watch _Brave_." Dean clears his throat and Sam looks at him in shock, "Dude, no way. You saw it?"

"Shut up. Cas wanted to see it, so we took his nieces. It was cute."

Sam snickers, setting the cartoon aside when he sees the last one, "A-ha! I know you haven't seen this one!" He triumphantly holds up a copy of the movie _Ted_. "In fact, I distinctly remember you wanting to see it but we got there way too early so we saw something else instead."

"I can't even remember what we saw…must have been really bad…"

"No doubt. So…yay or nay?" Sam wiggles the DVD at him and Dean nods. "Sweet! Jess has, so far, refused to watch it with me." Dean's phone whistles again. He picks it up and snorts at the text.

_**Message from: Dr. B. Sebastian Received: 1856**_

_**I hate you both.**_

_**Message to: Dr. B. Sebastian Sent: 1857**_

_**No you don't. Me maybe but not 'Cassie' ;)**_

Sam puts the DVD into the player and comes to flop onto the couch next to him. He looks at the cellphone curiously, but doesn't ask. Dean takes a drink of his beer and leans back, getting comfortable. The whistling of his phone makes Sam scoff softly, "You two won't actually die if you don't interact for _one night_, Dean. Isn't Castiel at work?"

Dean snickers, "Yes, he is. I wasn't texting him that time." His brother arches a disbelieving brow. "I wasn't. See?" He shows the screen to Sam, "I was sending a text to Balthazar."

_**Message from: Dr. B. Sebastian Received: 1859**_

_**Would be nice…**_

Sam stares at him in horror. "Balthazar? Seriously?" Dean nods. "The same Balthazar that he works with?" The older Winchester nods again. "The same man that Castiel dated…the one he slept with? That one?"

"Yes!" Dean grits his teeth and glares at his brother. "They're just friends now, okay?" Sam chokes on his mouthful of beer. "I trust him, Sammy! I may be a little leery of how close they are and maybe a little jealous of Balthazar but I trust Cas." His phone whistles again and he pauses to unlock the screen. "With how pissed off he was when I told him I'd been cheated on not once, not twice, but three times? I believe that he would never do that to me."

_**Message from: Dr. B. Sebastian Received: 1859**_

…_**but, no. You make him happy, ergo, no hate.**_

_**Message from: Dr. B. Sebastian Received: 1900**_

_**Altho… /3 his 3 & I will hurt you.**_

_**Message to: Dr. B. Sebastian Sent: 1901**_

_**Y, Dr. S…r u threatening an officer of the law?**_

_**Message from: Dr. B. Sebastian Received: 1902**_

_**Of course not, dear boy. Merely a warning. ;)**_

Dean chuckles and tucks the phone aside, settling in to watch the previews. The movie is about forty-five minutes in, when his cellphone whistles again. This time, Dean doesn't hear it because he's in the kitchen grabbing a glass of water. When he comes back into the living room, Sam is holding the phone out to him. Dean takes it and opens up the picture message, laughing at the one word caption: _SIX!_ Sam peeks at the screen and frowns, "What's so funny about a rock?"

"It's not a rock." His brother gives him a sideways glance and Dean explains, "It's a set of nine; each one has a different 'reason' that I love him engraved on it. I hid them around the apartment and told Cas he had to find all nine before he could open his housewarming gift." Sam's eyebrows shoot upwards and Dean mutters, "Don't look at me like that."

The younger Winchester smirks and takes a swig of his beer, "I didn't say anything."

"You're thinking it."

Sam laughs and sets his beer aside, "Well it _is_." He holds up a hand when Dean would have interrupted and says seriously, without any malice whatsoever, "It's a very romantic gesture." His brother picks up his bottle to take another drink and asks, "So, how many has he found?"

"This," Dean lifts his cell to show him the picture and laughs, "makes six."

His younger brother takes the phone. He frowns and asks him curiously, "You hid it into a handful of change?"

"No, I slipped it into one of the pockets of his work bag." Sam just stares at him, still clueless. "I usually put my pocket change into the cup holder of his car. That way, he has something to give the homeless man that hangs out near the hospital. The pocket I slipped the stone into accumulates any number of things during his call days. When he gets off shift, he goes through it and the change gets separated out into the car's cup holder. I didn't expect for him to find it until tomorrow morning, but apparently he made a vending machine run."

"Ohhh!" His brother looks at the picture again and reads the stone aloud, "'...for being so giving.'" Sam hands him the phone back, "Cute." Dean rolls his eyes and sets the cell on the table in front of them. "He's good for you, ya know. You're happier than I've seen you in a long time."

Dean nods, "Yeah. It hasn't been all fun and games, but-"

"You've gotten through it though. The fact that you stuck it out and didn't bail…tells me a lot." Sam nudges him with an elbow and teases, "You're in l-o-o-o-o-o-ove!"

The singsong tone of his brother's voice makes Dean laugh, "Shut up, Sammy! You're one to talk, Mr. I'm-So-Pussy-Whipped-I-Don't-Even-Realize-It Winchester." Sam snorts and shoves at his shoulder playfully. The sound of the front door opening makes both men turn towards it. Dean mumbles under his breath, "Speaking of…" before calling out, "Hi Jess, my beautiful future sister-in-law!"

Sam calls out at the same time as Dean, their voices overlapping, "Hi, honey!"

The blonde looks up from the mail she's sifting through and grins, "He-e-ey, Sexy!" Jessica joins them in the living room and grants Dean a noisy kiss on the cheek, ruffling his hair gently. She turns to Sam and greets casually, "Hey, you," before patting his head. The look on his brother's face is priceless. Jess squeals when Sam reaches out to pull her onto the couch with them, "SAMUEL!"

Dean moves the popcorn to keep it from spilling everywhere and laughs when his brother growls into her neck, "You gave my _brother_ a 'hey, sexy' and all I got was 'hey, you' as a greeting?" Jessica is giggling and reaching towards him for help and Dean tugs her to 'safety' on his side of the couch, rescuing her from the clutches of his brother.

His future sister-in-law cups Dean's face in her hands and kisses his nose. She turns his face towards Sam, cheek pressed against his and explains, "Just look at him, baby. He _IS_ sexy." She squeezes his cheeks together until his lips are sticking out and coos at him, "Such a cute little face! Can't help but love him." Dean is snickering and he wiggles his eyebrows at Sam when Jess tells her fiancé, "Besides…_you_ don't have freckles…freckles are H-O-T, hot."

The brothers dissolve into laughter and Jessica gets up, leaving them to their conversation and the rest of the movie. She does pause to give Sam a 'proper' hello kiss before heading into the kitchen. It's a long enough kiss that Dean gets a little uncomfortable. Jess has Sam's face held tightly between both her hands, eyes shut as she assaults his baby brother's mouth. The young Winchester is starry-eyed as he watches his fiancé leave. Dean makes a whipping motion with his hand and a soft _wwwhhh-pishhh_ under his breath. Sam tosses him a look and points to the phone with a grin, reminding Dean of the photos.

He shrugs and concedes, "Touché. We're both whipped, but damn it feels good." Dean holds out his beer and grins when Sam clinks his own against it, nodding.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Dean snaps awake at the sound of a muffled scream. A glance at his cellphone tells him it's almost midnight and it takes him a little bit to remember that he's still at Sam's apartment. His right hand reaches out to grab his glasses off the nightstand as he sits up, tossing the blanket off of him. There's another muffled sound and he scratches a hand through his hair, freezing when he realizes what it is: Sam and Jessica having sex in the room down the hall. His brother's voice scolds her. Dean can't quite make out what Sam says but the sounds quiet...for less than a few minutes. He's crossing the hallway to the bathroom when Jess moans out, _"Sam! Right there…ooh fuck…harder…yes!"_ The elder Winchester shakes his head with a laugh and shuts the door, muffling out some of the noise.

Twenty minutes later, he's sitting in the kitchen, listening to his voicemails when Sam stumbles into the kitchen wearing only a pair of low-slung pajama pants. His brother looks a little surprised to see Dean awake, left hand lifting to scratch at his bare chest nervously. Sam pulls open the fridge and pours himself a glass of water, drinking it down before refilling it. Dean pushes out one of the other chairs with his foot and smirks. He points to Sam's sex hair, "Have fun?" Sam opens his mouth to answer and stops when the door to the master bedroom opens.

A thoroughly satisfied-looking Jessica comes up behind his brother and wraps her arms his waist. It's obvious she hasn't noticed Dean sitting in the dark kitchen because one hand disappears under the waistband of Sam's pajama pants, obviously doing naughty things (if the look on his brother's face is any indication) as she murmurs, "Come back to bed, Sammy."

Sam pulls the errant hand free and hisses at her, "Jessica! My brother's right there!" The elder Winchester waves when the blonde peeks around his brother's body. Her eyes widen and she turns to disappear down the hallway again, both hands holding the t-shirt down to fully cover her ass. Dean barely stifles a laugh, leaning forward to rest his forehead on an upturned palm. Sam follows her, "Jess…baby…"

Dean has deleted the rest of his voicemails by the time his brother returns, now wearing a t-shirt. He smirks, "Everything okay?" Sam nods and sits down across from him. "I don't think I've ever heard Jess say 'fuck' before." The younger Winchester sputters on his water and Dean grins, "Take it from your big brother, Sammy…they _always_ want it harder. And when they don't…they want it deeper or faster. Don't complain. Just enjoy it."

Sam leans forward, hiding his face by resting it on his bent forearms. A small chuckle escapes him before the muffled reprimand of, "You're such a pig, man. Now I'm picturing you having sex, dude!"

"_You're_ picturing _me_ having sex and _I'm_ the pig?" Sam nods. Dean shrugs, "Maybe, but answer me this…when you did indulge the li'l lady her request, did she…" he waves his hand vaguely.

His brother looks up at him and then drops his forehead down again, groaning behind the fortress of his arms and mutters, "Yes."

Dean peeks down the hallway to make sure the bedroom door is still shut before he leans to taunt in a quiet voice, "and I'm betting from your embarrassment, that it was a nice, good, _hard_ one." Sam looks up and their eyes meet briefly, the blush on his cheeks serving as Dean's answer. He winks and tells him softly, "Honesty is great is all aspects of a relationship, Sammy, including the bedroom. Trust me."

Sam snorts and takes a drink from his glass. "This is weird."

"What?"

"This," his brother points a finger between them repeatedly, "Us. Talking about sex. We haven't done this in a long time. Not since you came out after high school. Before that we used to stay up and talk about everything. Then you came out and I became the little brother you had to protect from the homophobes and bigots. I hated you for a long time after that; not because you were gay, but because you went from from being my brother to being my _gay_ brother and it just wasn't the same."

Dean stares at his sibling, voice thick with emotion, "You never told me that."

Sam shrugs, "I didn't want to come off like a brat. Besides, you were busy being the 'new' you and I couldn't think of how to tell you that I missed you. You've always been hero. I looked up to you and told my friends that I wanted to be just like my big brother. Then you came out and I got teased about wanting to be a fag just like 'Deanna' Winchester."

"Sammy! I'm so sorry. If I had known they said something I would have-"

"You would have what? Denied who you were? Nah, man…I'm glad you came out. You needed to. I think after you came out, I looked up to you even more. Doing that, in our hometown? It took some balls, Dean…and you pulled it off. I'm proud to call you my brother." Sam reaches out to clap a hand on the back of his neck, pulling him closer.

Dean smiles and does the same thing, pressing their forehead together, "I love you, Sammy. You grew up to be a…fucking amazing guy, ya know? You're a big-shot lawyer who will probably make partner before you're thirty, you have a beautiful home, a woman who is head over heels in love with you and just…_I'm_ the one who's proud of _you_."

Sam blushes and mutters, "Thanks, Dean. That means a lot…coming from you."

Dean sits back a little and kisses his baby brother on the forehead before standing up, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna head home…give you kids some privacy to be really loud." Sam laughs and follows him to the front door to let him out of the apartment.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

M-ily runs to greet him when he steps into the darkened apartment. Dean scoops her up and holds her against his chest as he locks the front door, "Hey, Baby-girl. Did you miss your Daddy?" The kitten mewls and noses at his chin, purring softly at the petting down her spine. Dean sets her down on the top of her cat tower and takes off his jacket, draping it over the back of the computer chair. She leaps down, chasing after him through the living room. When the kitten realizes he's ignoring her, she huffs her annoyance before hopping up onto the computer chair and then the desk. Dean scolds her gently, "Em, you know better. Off the desk, Fuzzy Butt." He picks her up, placing her on his lap after sitting in the chair with a groan.

It's a little after one in the morning and Dean isn't tired. He boots up the computer and leans back in the chair, fingers idly scratching at the base of M-ily's tail. The kitten's needle-sharp claws stab through the denim of his jeans and Dean shifts her position. She curls up on his lower chest, falling asleep before he's even halfway through his email. Dean surfs aimlessly, looking for something to catch his attention. He's bored and not sleepy…a dangerous combination. M-ily stands up and stretches, leaping off his chest to bolt out of the living room. Dean watches her curiously, the sound of her crunching on cat food a few seconds later letting him know she's staying out of trouble for now. He sits forward and unties his boots, slipping them off before pulling off his socks.

Dean sits back and knocks something off the edge of the desk with his elbow. He turns to pick it up and freezes. It's the videotape labeled _'DB.' _In the week since bringing the videos home, he and Cas watched all but this one. The tapes had been fairly benign, other than a clip of Balthazar and Castiel having fun on a balcony of a bed and breakfast during one of their vacations. In that particular section of the Paris video, Cas, (holding the camera in one hand, the other in a white-knuckled grip on the railing) videotaped the view from the balcony while Balthazar did…_things_ to him. Neither man was visible in the video clip, but from the sounds coming from both of them, it was fairly clear what the older man was doing to his younger lover. He turns the tape over in his hands a few times, eyes flicking to the camera. Before he can lose his nerve, Dean slips the tape into the slot and double-clicks the window that pops up on his desktop.

* * *

**Chapter Note: **The picture that Dean sends to Castiel is him making the American Sign Language sign for _I love you_.


	34. Saturday Night Knife And Gun Club

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

******Chapter Notes:** All quotes are from Bush's song Out Of This World. This chapter is told from Balthazar's POV. I hope you guys like it, because I seriously considered cutting it completely.

* * *

**Chapter 34 - Saturday Night Knife And Gun Club**

"_Are you drowning or waving?_

_I just need you to save me."_

"Will you kindly stop moving?" Balthazar looks up from the line of stitches he is in the middle of completing and frowns slightly. His patient stills with a pained whisper of _'sorry.' _ He pauses to ask, "More local?" There's a pained _'I'm fine' _that Balthazar ignores. Instead, he asks the nurse, "Meg, will you please grab another vial of lidocaine?" The brunette nods and leaves the room, leaving doctor and patient alone. Balthazar gently presses gauze onto the cut to stem the flow of blood. He looks up at the hiss of discomfort, silently mouthing an apology at his patient. The other man gives him a tired smile and both men look up when Meg returns.

"Here you go, Dr. Sebastian."

"Thank you, Meggy." He smiles at her, patiently waiting as she breaks the vial open and holds it out for him. Balthazar fills the syringe and gives his patient a gently scolding, "Now hold still." Balthazar lifts his gaze to find Castiel's eyes focused on where he's placing the local anesthetic. He teases softly, "Stop critiquing my work." Deep blue eyes lift to meet his and he smiles, "I have been doing this longer than you have, you know." His friend nods, but remains silent. Balthazar injects the last site and sets the syringe aside, gently asking, "Better?"

"We'll see with the next one, won't we?"

He shakes his head with a laugh and picks up the needle once more, "Cheeky bugger." The next suture is quick and Balthazar lifts his eyes to meet Castiel's once more. "Anything?" Cas shakes his head in response to the question and Balthazar closes the remaining inches of the laceration. He sets the needle into the lac tray and sits back with a small sigh, "Seventeen."

Castiel curls his fingers into his palm slowly, then relaxes his hand, correcting him, "Twenty one, actually. If you count the four inner sutures." Balthazar takes the gauze Meg hands him and wipes the whole of his friend's palm and fingers. "Thank you, Baz. For stitching me up."

"You're quite welcome, Cassie." He concentrates on Castiel's right hand, lifting it to inspect for any other injury. When Balthazar shifts Cas' wrist, his best friend gasps in pain. "Where does it hurt? Your wrist?" Castiel nods and grimaces at the fleeting touch along the entirety of his lower forearm. "It's probably sprained. I want you to get an x-ray just to be sure. No arguments."

"Yes, doctor."

Meg chuckles and finishes cleaning up, leaving the two of them alone in the exam room when she's done. "That was unbelievably idiotic of you, Castiel." The younger man rolls his eyes and huffs in irritation. "You should have waited for the officer to come back. That man could have hurt you much worse. If-"

"I didn't think, okay?"

Balthazar sighs, "Alright, I'll stop lecturing you. Come on, let's get you to radiology, then you can either go sleep in the call room until I drive you home or you can call Dean to pick you up." Cas makes a face at him. "Don't look at me like that! I'm not letting you drive. Dean would kill me. So your choices are call him or wait."

Castiel scowls and mutters, "Fine, I'll wait."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"_We change by the speed of the choices that we made._

_And the barriers are all self made."_

"Cassie, wake up." Balthazar sits on the edge of the narrow bed and gently presses his hand to Castiel's back. His friend is sleeping on his right side, facing the doorway. "Wake up, Cas. Time to go home." The younger man rolls onto his back, mumbling something in his sleep before turning onto his left side. Or rather, trying to. The movement slams the side of his arm against the wall before Balthazar can reach out to stop it. Castiel shrieks in pain and Balthazar covers his mouth, lessening the noise. "Oh, sweetie! Here, sit up." Cas sits up slowly, tears welling up in his eyes. "Shh, Cassie. I know it hurts. You want a pain pill before we go?" Castiel nods, cradling his right arm against his belly. Balthazar takes one of the pills from the prescription bottle and places it into Cas' open mouth, holding out a water bottle for him to take.

Castiel swallows hard and whispers, "Thank you."

Balthazar nods, putting the orange medicine bottle into the leather messenger bag. He helps Cas put his shoes on and then his zippered hoodie. Castiel stands up and slowly loops his scarf around his neck, holding out his injured right hand to let Balthazar help him with his coat. "You must be in a lot of pain, Cassie."

His friend looks up from where he's watching him zip up the coat, "Why do you say that?"

Dr. Sebastian smiles and slips on his coat, "You're letting me help with a minimum of fuss." He picks up Castiel's messenger bag and slings it over his shoulder with his own before opening the door to the call room. Balthazar gives the room a final once over and pulls the door shut, trailing after Castiel as he moves down the hall towards the exit. It's almost a full ninety minutes before they make it through morning traffic to the couple's apartment. His voice is more than a little exasperated when he asks, "Does it _always_ take you this long to get home?"

Castiel is leaning in one of the elevator's corners, eyes closed, "Not usually, no. Most of the time, I'm home within twenty minutes." The doors open on Cas' floor and the two men exit, Balthazar steadying his best friend as he stumbles slightly. "I shouldn't have taken that pain pill. It's making me dizzy." Castiel giggles and allows him to wrap an arm around his waist, "You take such good care of me, Baz."

"Yes, yes, I know." Balthazar pauses in front of Dean and Cas' apartment to search for his friend's keys inside the messenger bag slung across his chest. "Cassie…here, lean on the wall while I unlock the door." Castiel nods then proceeds to slide down the wall until he's sitting on the hallway floor, legs stretched out in front of him. Balthazar unlocks the door and pushes it open, setting Cas' bag and keys on the desk before coming back outside to help Castiel up. "Come on, Cassie, up we go."

"Shhh…Dean's prob'ly still sleeping!" Balthazar pulls back from the finger pressed over his lips and staggers into the apartment. He shuts the front door and locks it, helping Castiel take off his jacket and hoodie. Cas drops his matching blue hat and scarf onto the floor and starts towards the bedroom. Balthazar is about to let himself out when Castiel bumps into the kitchen table and sits down onto one of the chairs with a sad little whimper. His friend looks up at the ceiling and mutters to no one in particular, "I hate pain pills. They make me loopy." He walks over and tousles Cas' hair. "Hey, Baz…when did you get here?"

"I brought you home, remember?" Castiel shakes his head and frowns. "Here…let's take off your shoes, hmm? Then we can get you into bed so you can sleep last night away." Balthazar slips off Cas' shoes and socks and helps him stand, guiding the younger man down the hallway. The pauses in front of the closed door at the end of the hall, "This one?" Castiel nods and Balthazar knocks softly before opening the door. Cas holds up his finger signaling him to be quiet and the two men carefully enter the room.

Dean is sprawled on his stomach, one arm curled under his body, the other shoved under a pillow. Balthazar swallows hard because the blankets are pushed down precariously low. Low enough that he finds himself wondering if his best friend's boyfriend sleeps in the nude. Castiel takes another few steps and Balthazar helps him over to his side of the bed. He helps him pull off the green t-shirt and steadies him while he steps out of his bloody scrub pants. Cas eases onto the bed and Balthazar smiles when Dean shifts to withdraw his hand from under his body to curl it around Castiel's bicep. He's about to tug the covers up over them when Dean rolls onto his side and Balthazar learns that yes, the green-eyed policeman does, indeed, sleep naked. A quick tug of the blankets and both men are tucked in.

A sleepy, _"Welcome home, baby,"_ reaches his ears and Balthazar moves across the room to drop Castiel's dirty laundry into the hamper before he leaves. Cas makes a small sound of happiness and giggles. Balthazar crosses the bedroom; his steps making the floorboards creak. Before he reaches door, Dean is sitting bolt upright in bed, service weapon in hand, pointed at the center of his chest. Balthazar freezes, hands up and swallows hard, eyes on the end of Dean's gun barrel. Dean squints and rubs his eyes, "Balthazar?" He can only nod. "Dude, what the fuck are you doing in our bedroom?" The gun lowers and gets set aside, "Sorry about that."

"I'd say 'don't worry about it' but I hate guns so I won't lie to you." Balthazar gives him a tight smile and pulls the bedroom door open, "I'll let myself out. Goodbye, Dean." He shuts the door behind him and rushes down the hallway towards the front door. Balthazar makes it all the way to the entryway before Dean stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. You just…" Dean rubs at his face and groans, "It's hard to turn the cop off, ya know? All my brain registered was that Cas was next to me in bed and someone else was in the apartment."

Balthazar turns slightly, thankful that the other man pulled on a pair of pants. He's in the middle of reassuring him, pointedly looking down at the hand resting on his shoulder, "It's fine, Dean. I understand. Believe me, I d-"

Dean removes it, another apology dying on his lips when he looks at him, "Dude, what happened to your face?" His chin is being held in a firm grip, being turned slightly first one way and the other as Dean gets a better look at the bruise along the right side of his face. "What the fuck? Who did that do you?" Balthazar just shakes his head and lifts a hand to dismiss the damage, making as if to exit the apartment when Dean stops him again, "Hey, c'mere. Lemme put some ice on it."

"I'm fine, Dean. I've already done that. I am a doctor, you know." The look he gets from the other man is one that brooks no argument so he follows him into the kitchen. "The precipitating event happened nearly five hours ago, Dean. Ice won't help." He watches the younger man moving around his kitchen filling a plastic bag with ice and covering it with a dishtowel before pressing it to his face. Balthazar winces slightly and takes the bag from his hand, "You're not good at taking no for an answer are you?" Dean shakes his head with a smirk. "That how you got Cassie to date you?"

"Pretty much, yeah." Balthazar chuckles and hisses at the twinge of pain along his ribcage. "Coffee?"

"If I tell you no, you'll just make it anyway and force me to drink it."

"See? Now you're catching on. Unless you want tea instead?" Dean moves to the coffeemaker and pauses to look at him. Balthazar shakes his head and points to the coffee pot. Dean nods and starts preparing to make a fresh pot. "So, you going to tell me what happened?"

"Some of your colleagues brought in a husband and wife after a domestic abuse call. I had the trauma room the wife was wheeled into. Bastard tried to…" Balthazar shakes his head and takes a breath, "Doesn't matter. The woman fought back."

Dean mutters, "Good for her." He's leaning on the kitchen counter, arms crossed over his bare chest.

Balthazar meets his gaze and then looks away quickly, feeling exceedingly uncomfortable, "She gave as good as she got. He needed stitches and I was prepared to let him scar, but Cassie insisted that the jerk deserved medical care as well." Dean shakes his head and smiles, mouthing _'of course he did'_ silently. Balthazar takes a breath and swallows hard, knowing Dean is definitely not going to like the next part. "Well…he went into the exam room while the officer was in the bathroom and…" Dean freezes; then rushes out of the kitchen and down the hall. Balthazar chases after him, "Dean he's fine! Let him sleep."

The younger man ignores him and nearly runs to the bedside, pulling the blankets back. His eyes take in the brace on Castiel's wrist and he finally looks up to meet his eyes, "What happened?"

"The man had managed to get free of his handcuffs. He broke the side rail off the stretcher and attacked Cas…sliced his hand open with the ragged edge. Cassie sprained his wrist when he hit the floor. I ran in and tried to help. That's when this," Balthazar points to his face, "happened."

Dean is sitting on the edge of the bed, cradling Castiel's arm in his lap. He runs his fingers through the dark hair and whispers, "You should have called me, you little..." Dean turns to look at him, "He's fine though?"

Balthazar nods, "Yes. I stitched him up and after bandaging his arm, he slept in the call room for the rest of the shift."

"What time did it happen?" Dean is still carding his fingers through Castiel's hair, thumb rubbing over his boyfriend's furrowed brow.

"A little after four in the morning. By the time he'd gotten his dose of antibiotics, sutures, x-ray and was tucked in, it was a little before six. He wanted to come home but I told him he wasn't driving. Told him he could either call you or wait for me to bring him home. He chose the latter."

Dean snorts, "He probably knew I'd be pissed enough to rip the ED apart looking for the bastard."

Balthazar nods and asks softly, "You want to see his stitches?"

The younger man shakes his head, "Later. I should let him sleep. I'm guessing you gave him something for pain?" Balthazar nods. "You do realize he's not coming to work tonight, right?"

He chuckles and nods again, "I do, yes. He's earned himself at least two weeks off, probably more if his wrist is still too painful." Balthazar rests a hand on Dean's shoulder, "He'll heal fine, my boy."

Dean looks up at him and smirks, shaking his head as he stands. "You really like your age-play nicknames don't you?"

Balthazar frowns and steps back when Dean advances on him, "I didn't mean anything by it. Forgive me." The younger man is still moving closer and he retreats further, "It's a habit…a bad one. I don't even realize I'm doing i-"

He grunts softly as he backs into the dresser, rattling it softly. Dean braces both hands on either side of his body and grins, "You don't realize you're doing it? Let's see…_'my boy'…'lovely boy'…'little boy'…'my dear boy'…'dirty boy'…_did I forget any?"

Balthazar's voice is shocked, eyes squeezing shut in embarrassment. "Y-you watched it?"

Dean nods and presses into him, whispering in his ear, "Uh huh." Balthazar swallows hard, turning his face away from the policeman when he taunts, "Thing is…I thought you said you hadn't watched the videos, Dr. Sebastian."

Balthazar groans, horrified at having been caught in the lie, "You have to believe me, I haven't watched them in a long time. I swear." He opens his eyes at Dean's laughter, watching him shove both arms into a t-shirt. "Dean, we're just friend's now. It's nothing more than that, honestly. Cassie would never cheat on you."

"I know." Dean's response is muffled as he pulls the tee over his head. "He told me it's been six years since you two slept together." The other man cocks his head and watches his reaction. "I believe him." Balthazar nods. "I mean…it has been six years, right…_Baz_?"

He looks up at the nickname and gives him a sad smile, "Closer to seven, but yes. He loves you, Dean. Whole-heartedly." The younger man moves closer and Balthazar backs away, turning to exit the bedroom. He contemplates leaving, he really does. Then Dean asks if he wants sugar and creamer with his coffee and Balthazar has no idea why he answers, but he does, "Yes, please."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"_Should we try to get along?_

_Just try to get along."_

Dean slides the plate of pancakes in front of him with a laugh, "Shut up and eat your breakfast."

Balthazar salutes him with his fork, "Yes, Sir, Officer Winchester, Sir!" The younger man snickers under his breath and sits across from him at the table, setting the syrup between them. Balthazar is surprised by how well they are getting along, something he never would have guessed. "You didn't have to feed me, Dean. I am perfectly capable of procuring my own breakfast."

The other man sits back with a laugh, "Oh my God! You both talk that way!" Dean grins at him and takes a sip of coffee before sitting forward to put a forkful of pancakes into his mouth.

Balthazar looks up from his plate and frowns, "Pardon?" He wipes at his mouth and reaches for his glass of water, staring at the other man over the rim of the glass.

Dean smiles, teasing, "See? You use such…'proper' English. It makes me feel completely uneducated sometimes. And before you apologize, don't, it's fine. Just, sometimes it makes me wish I'd paid more attention in school." He shrugs and goes back to his stack of pancakes.

Balthazar stares at him for a second, trying to decide what to say. In the end he decides to just keep quiet and finish his food. The rest of the meal passes in relative silence, broken only by the clinking of the silverware on their plates. He watches Dean stand up to put his plate in the sink and gets up to do the same. "Thank you for breakfast, Dean."

The younger man nods, looking up at him briefly between rinsing the dishes, "You're welcome. I mean, it was the least I could do after you took care of Cas last night." Balthazar refills his coffee mug, this time forgoing the sugar and creamer. He's going to need the caffeine kick to get him home; it's nearly eleven am and he's starting to get sleepy. Sleepy enough that he's afraid to drive the nearly forty-five minutes home. "Hey, Dr. Sebastian?"

Balthazar looks up, suddenly realizing that Dean's been talking to him for quite some time. He must have zoned out for a second, "I'm sorry, what?"

"Dude, you like checked out for a minute. You okay?"

He smiles at Dean and nods, "Yes, fine. Just tired." A long yawn interrupts his thoughts and Balthazar rubs his eyes. He drinks the entire mug of black coffee in one go and sets it down in the sink. "Now, I should really head home before I pass out."

"Uh no, you're not." Dean follows closely behind him and steers him toward the living room, "I'm not letting you drive like this. You can sleep on the couch." He starts to argue but when Dean threatens to handcuff him, Balthazar agrees. The last thing he remembers is Dean tugging his shoes off and tucking a pillow under his head before draping a striped blanket over top of him.


	35. Hmm, Didn't See That Coming

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

* * *

**Chapter 35 - ****Hmm...Didn't See That Coming**

The vibration of his cellphone pulls Dean's attention from the parts catalog he's flipping through. He picks up the phone and answers in a quiet voice, "Hey, Jo. Hold on a sec." Dean moves down the hallway and slips out of the apartment quietly. He wanders down the hall towards the staircase, easing onto the top step. His voice is near-normal volume when he speaks again, "Okay, I'm back. So how's New York?"

"_Hey, Freckles! Did I call at a bad time?"_

"Nope. I was sitting in bed flipping through catalogs. Just had to move so I didn't wake Cas."

"_Ah…shopping for Baby parts?"_

Dean chuckles, "You know it. I'm always shopping for something or other. So tell me…how's winter in New York? See the tree yet?"

"_It's fucking cold, that's how it is!" _Dean laughs and shifts to lean against the railing next to him. _"But yes, Anna took me to Rockefeller Center. Dude, it was fucking packed, but so much fun. We got some awesome pictures and I ice skated for the first time in years! Totally fell on my ass, but Anna made it up to me. Freckles, she kissed my sore butt right there in front of everyone. It was more embarrassing than falling down!"_

"You loved it."

Jo hums in agreement and giggles, _"Yeah, I kinda did. She's amazing. I can't believe she's put up with me this long, ya know?" _Dean smiles, loving just how happy his friend sounds. _"We've had a lot of fun so far. This city is amazing. Seeing it in pictures and on TV doesn't do it justice. At all."_

"Glad you're having fun. You deserve it. So, when do you get back?" Dean nods at one of his neighbors as she exits the nearby elevator. She waves at him with a small smile before continuing down the hall towards her front door.

"_Day after tomorrow. I can't believe my week in New York is almost over. So how are things at home? Anything happen since I've been gone?" _Dean makes a noncommittal noise. _"You doing okay?" _He gives her a small 'mm hmm' and grins at her snort, _"You're in a real chatty mood this afternoon. What's wrong?"_

"Nothing, actually. I'm fine. Cas and Balthazar got their asses beat in the ED last night, though. Literally." Dean pauses at Jo's shocked _'oh my God_' and tells her what happened. Well, as best he can from secondhand knowledge. He assures her that they're both fine and gives her as many details as he can so she can relay them to Anna. It's some twenty minutes later that Jo ends the call after finally getting Dean to agree to a double-date dinner on their return home.

Dean hangs up and makes his way back to the apartment. He locks the front door and stops, the sound of a vibrating phone getting his attention. Dean follows the noise until he finds the culprit, a cell halfway hidden under the spill of blanket next to the couch. The phone is lit up with _Joseph _flashing across the screen. He picks it up and is about to answer when the call goes to voicemail. Balthazar is sprawled on his back, one leg over the back of the couch, left arm over his face and his right hanging off the edge of the cushions. The man is deeply asleep, snoring softly. Dean really doesn't have the heart to wake him up so he simply places the cellphone on the center of his t-shirt clad shirt and figures if the vibration wakes him up, so be it.

He carefully climbs back into bed next to Castiel and smiles when the other man turns to face his body, head tucking against his hip. Dean picks up his e-reader and opens the web browser. There are only three emails in his inbox, all bills. He browses through his favorite sites and forums, reading a few threads before getting bored. Dean opens up the book he's currently reading and shifts until he's sitting against the headboard, running his fingers through Castiel's hair. Cas' left hand curls around Dean's thigh, making small whimpering noises in his throat. Dean soothes him, gently rubbing at the skin between his shoulder blades, "Shhh, baby, I'm right here. No one's gonna hurt you." Castiel settles, his breathing evening out. Dean keeps his eyes on the screen of the e-reader, but he's already stopped reading. Instead he whispers, "I know you're awake, Cas."

His lover rolls onto his back and blinks up at him sleepily, "Don't you always?"

Dean sets the e-reader aside and smiles down at Castiel, shrugging. He cups the side of Cas' face and earns a kiss to the center of his palm. "You sleep okay?"

Castiel nods and reaches up to rub at his eyes, wincing at the movement of his injured wrist. He scowls at the brace, "Ugh…I was hoping that was a bad dream."

"Nope. It really happened." Dean helps Cas sit up and pulls him back against his chest, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck, "Why didn't you call me?"

A small snort puffs out of his boyfriend, "Because I know you. You'd have made a scene. You would have blown in there like a hurricane and laid siege to anyone that got in your way, including your fellow officers." Dean chuckles and playfully bites the newly kissed skin. "I admit, I like how protective you are, but sometimes…"

"Sometimes it sucks?"

Castiel whimpers softly at the teasing lick to the curve of his ear, "S-sometimes." Cas turns into the one armed hug, laughing when Dean's left hand moves over the muscles of his stomach and lower. "Someone's horny this morning."

Dean teases, "It's nearly three in the afternoon, Jamie."

Castiel tenses and looks at the clock, "Shit! My shift starts at-"

"Relax." When Cas struggles, Dean cups his jaw and repeats, "Relax. You don't have to be in today. You have the next two weeks off. Doctor's orders."

Cas' eyes narrow and he snickers, "Since when are you a doctor?"

"Not me. Dr. Sebastian said you have at least two weeks off, if not more." Castiel arches a brow disbelievingly. "How exactly do you think you got home, baby?" When his boyfriend doesn't answer, he asks gently, "Do you remember driving home?" Cas thinks back for a second, finally shaking his head. "Think about it. You didn't call me to come get you."

Castiel's brows press together as he tries to make sense of the drug-induced haziness after taking the pain medicine. No, not taking…after being _given_ the pill. "Baz. Balthazar brought me home."

Dean nods, "He did."

"I should call him and thank him."

"No need." Cas gives him a look and Dean smirks, "You want to thank him, just go into the living room. He's asleep on the couch." Castiel's eyes widen comically. "I made him a thank you breakfast and by the time we finished eating, it was almost eleven. He was so tired he couldn't even walk straight. I wasn't about to let him drive home like that, so I convinced him to stay."

Cas leans in to kiss him, whispering softly, "My big, strong policeman…always taking care of everyone."

Dean smiles into the kiss and nods, opening his mouth to the teasing swipe of Castiel's tongue. His left arm is around Cas' shoulders, holding him against his chest, hand cupping the side of Castiel's neck. His boyfriend is making needy little moans into his mouth and Dean swallows them up, loving just how quick the other man responds to him. He lifts his head and smiles, rubbing their noses together, "Well, well…look who decided to join us." Cas blinks up at him and blushes when Dean slips his free hand under the waistband of underwear, fingers curling around the base of his dick. A shudder goes through the doctor's body, head lolling back against Dean's shoulder, "Does my gorgeous man want something in particular?"

Castiel shakes his head, blue eyes drifting shut at the tightening of Dean's fingers around him, "N-no. Just want to…" His mouth drops open, lips curling in a tiny smile when Dean drags the tips of his fingers up the base of his shaft. The policeman grins and 'accidentally' lets the palm of his hand rub over the slick tip of Cas' cock. A strangled _'Dean!' _makes him lick the side of Castiel's neck. Before long the doctor's slender hips are bucking up into his fist, delightful little noises filling his mouth as he races towards his end. Dean pulls back from the kiss and just watches his boyfriend come apart, loving the way Cas' face twists in response to the glide of his hand.

Dean whispers in his ear, "Open your eyes, baby." Castiel squirms and groans softly, but doesn't open his eyes. Dean presses his lips to Cas' ear and licks his way into the shell of the doctor's ear, "Cas…open your eyes." Castiel's chest is heaving, panting softly and still, his eyes remain tightly shut. "_Ja-mie_…open your eyes for me." The sound of this particular version of his middle name is what gets Cas to open his eyes. "There you are. You with me, baby?" Castiel nods and Dean smiles, leaning in to whisper in his ear, "I watched the tape." He accompanies the confession with a wicked twist of his hand, arm tightening around Cas' chest, "I watched it and jerked off." Castiel's eyes widen, locked with Dean's as he speaks, "I came so hard watching you, baby." Cas bites down on his bottom lip, nostrils flaring as Dean taunts him, "I fingered myself while I watched your tight little hole on camera." Castiel arches up, whining when Dean stops jacking him to reach down and cup his balls. "Do these have a nice load for me?" His boyfriend nods, mouthing a silent _'yes' _against his lips. "They're nice and tight…so full for me aren't they?" Cas nods rapidly and Dean wraps his fingers around the base of Castiel's cock once more, "Prove it."

The other man shudders, gasps and cums over Dean's hand, thick ropes of it covering his fingers. He muffles the dirty moans Cas is making behind his left hand, kissing away the tears leaking out of those too-blue eyes. Dean nuzzles Castiel's face; loving just how blissed Cas looks as he comes down from his high. He sits up, fully intending to wash his hands and grab a washcloth to wipe his boyfriend clean. Castiel stops him, lifting Dean's slick hand up to his mouth and makes a show of licking at the cooling lines of his own cum. Dean watches, transfixed. Cas sucks each of his fingers clean and then drags a fingertip through the mess on his belly, bringing it up to offer it to him, "Want some?" Dean smirks and goes to suck the finger into his mouth, but Castiel sticks it into his own mouth instead.

"Greedy boy."

Cas laughs, pressing a kiss to his lips, "_Your_ greedy boy."

"Mmm hmm…Mine."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Dean asks softly, "How long does he usually sleep?" Both men are standing next to the couch, watching Balthazar sleep. Castiel shrugs, tugging the older man's t-shirt back down to cover his lower chest and belly. Dean pouts at him, "Aww, babe…I was enjoying the view."

Cas rolls his eyes and tucks the blanket around his friend, "You, sir, are a perv." Dean shrugs, not even bothering with a denial. "If you're _that_ curious, you can ask him when he's awake. I'm sure he would have absolutely no qualms letting you ogle." He smirks, adding, "By the way, I now know you didn't watch _all_ of the tape."

"What do you mean?" Castiel breezes past him and heads into the kitchen. Dean follows him and whispers, "_Cas_…what do you mean?" His boyfriend ignores him, choosing instead to turn on his electric teakettle after filling it with water. Dean plucks the airtight tea canister out of Castiel's hand and holds it up over his head. "Tell me what you meant, babe."

"Answer me this..." Dean lifts a brow, cocking his head to the side. "…How much of the tape did you watch?"

"Uh…I dunno. The first two parts?" Cas leans against the counter, clearly waiting for him to elaborate. "You wearing jeans and a white t-shirt doing a casting couch type scene and then it cut to you in a red Speedo, teasing the camera." Dean pauses to clear his throat, arms lowering guiltily.

Castiel takes the canister from him and prods gently, "Go on."

"You uh…well…" Dean licks his lips and mutters softly, "Balthazar was fingering you open. Getting you ready for his cock, I'm guessing."

Cas crooks a finger at him, "C'mere." Dean steps closer, swallowing a moan at Castiel's next words. They're spoken in a whisper against his ear, "There's dirtier parts on that tape, love." Dean sucks in a breath at the kiss to his ear. "Video that shows me sucking him off…" a brief flick of tongue makes his eyes shut, "…him jerking me off with a Fleshlight." Dean's eyes flash open, both hands grabbing Cas' face and still his boyfriend is talking, voice a barely audible breath in his ear. "There's even a few tripod mounted fuck-shots that I know you'll love." Dean crushes his lips to Castiel's, tongue shoving into his mouth impatiently. Cas reaches up to wrap both arms around his neck, pulling back from the kiss at the sound of Balthazar's voice.

"_Hello, Joseph…you did?" _The other man's voice is sleep-rough and slurred. _"I was asleep…Mmm, yes." _There's a pause and then Balthazar chuckles, _"I'm not at home, darling or I would." _

Dean leans over the bar and peeks into the living room; Balthazar's leg is still over the back of the couch. He smirks, whispering into Castiel's ear, "How much do you wanna bet that Baz's 'darling' just asked him to do something naughty?" Cas grins at him and nods.

"_I'm at Dean and Cas' apartment." _Balthazar laughs, _"No, you dirty-minded Marine, nothing like that. I'm on the couch…I swear…hold on." _Both Dean and Cas peer over the bar just in time to see Balthazar lift his cellphone up over his supine body. _"See? On the couch…all alone."_

Joseph's voice teases him over speakerphone, _"Poor baby. I'm sure if you asked, they'd-"_

The rest of his sentence is cut off, the phone disappearing behind the couch once more, _"Shut up, you...I will not." _Balthazar chuckles and admonishes quietly, _"You're incorrigible; gorgeous, but incorrigible. So how was your Sunday, brat?"_

Castiel quirks a brow at Dean and whispers, "Keep an eye out." Dean looks into the living room and is about to ask why when Cas drops to his knees, tugging the button-fly of his jeans open with a flick of his wrist. Dean stares down at his boyfriend in shock. "I think I told you to keep an eye out." One hand reaches down to tug his underwear up as he tries to back away from Castiel, but the doctor curls a hand around Dean's cock and shakes his head.

"_I don't know where they are actually…doubt it." _Dean's jaw clenches, eyes rolling back into his head as Cas works his lips over him. _"Cassie, maybe, but not Dean…I told you why, Joseph…Exactly! That's one way of putting it." _Dean has a second to wonder what Balthazar means by that before Castiel deep-throats him, nearly making him moan aloud. _"Yes, well, that's you, darling…__**C'est la vie**__." _Cas sucks the head of his dick like a lollipop before slowly lowering his lips towards the base. _"Until then, I'll have to make do with our little __**rendezvous.**__" _Dean braces one hand on the countertop and reaches down to fist his other hand in Castiel's hair, thrusting his hips into that eager mouth. _"Well, I can't take another vacation this soon…I like my job, thank you very much!" _Cas lifts his mouth off of him and sticks out his tongue, slapping Dean's cock against it with a wink. _"You could always come visit me." _Balthazar sighs and whispers, _"Yes, I know…sorry I brought it up." _Dean pulls Castiel up with a frown, pointing to his ear and then the living room. He peers over the bar and fastens his jeans. _"I said I was sorry, Joseph…I just hate spending the holidays alone…I'm not __**trying**__ to guilt you into anything!" _Dean sees Balthazar sit up and ducks back into the kitchen. "_You know what, Joseph? Just forget I said anything. Goodbye."_

Dean mouths at Cas, _"We should invite him to Christmas dinner." _Castiel nods, frowning at the sound of Balthazar muttering about the perils of dating younger men. He's grumbling under his breath, obviously upset over how the phone call ended.

Both men are a little shocked to hear the older man speaking to someone on the phone, voice significantly calmer. _"Hey, it's me…Yeah…Can I talk to him?" _Dean looks at his boyfriend, earning himself a shrug in response. _"Just for a few minutes?" _There's a small sigh and then, _"He's my son, too, Naomi." _Cas sucks in a breath, covering his mouth with a hand to keep silent. Balthazar clears his throat, _"You know what I mean…Just a quick Face Time Chat, please? I've had a bad day and I just-" _

Dean is hit by just how hopeful the other man's voice sounds. After a minute or so, an excited voice fills the room, _"Balthazar!"_

"_Hey, Josh…how've you been?" _Castiel steps out into the hallway and Dean wraps a hand around his upper arm, shaking his head.

"_Mom said you had a bad day." _Dean smiles at the exuberance of the voice and catches Cas doing the same thing. _"You should do what I do when I have a bad day." _There's a small pause and then an utterly serious, _"Eat a cookie. It makes me feel better."_

Balthazar laughs and answers, _"I'll keep that in mind next time, Josh. Did you mail your letter to Santa Claus?"_

An excited giggle fills the room and Dean wraps his arms around Castiel, kissing his temple. _"Santa's not really real, Balthazar!"_

Cas chuckles at his friend's shocked, _"What?! Who told you that?! If there's no Santa, where did my letter go?" _Balthazar's son giggles louder at that_. _Dean lets Castiel pull him down the hall to the living room.

"_I dunno! Maybe a pen-gin got it!" _Balthazar laughs. Josh points towards them and asks curiously, _"Who's that, Balthazar?" _The older man turns, eyes widening when he sees them. Dean lifts his hand to wave sheepishly.

"Uh, those are my friends Castiel and Dean. You want to say hi to them, Josh?" Balthazar holds out the phone so his son can see them and gives them a tight smile, obviously unsure of how they'll react.

The blonde waves and calls out happily, _"Hi, Cassie El and Dee!" _ Cas takes the phone and they wave, saying their hellos, before handing the cellphone back. They get a silent _'thank you'_ from Balthazar as he takes it. Cas moves to take a seat on the other end of the couch. There's whispering on the other end of the call and Dean knows what's coming. _"Balthazar, mom says I gotta go now."_

"Alright, kiddo. You be good for your mom and have a Merry Christmas, okay?"

"_I promise. Merry Christmas, Balthazar…Oh! And Happy New Year!" _

The doctor smiles and ends the chat, holding the phone up to his ear again. His bottom lip trembles as he whispers, "Thank you, Naomi…Yes, it did. It doesn't matter; Joshua made it better." Dean feels a little uncomfortable eavesdropping but he smiles when Castiel pulls him down to join him on the couch. "He always does. Goodbye, Naomi. Again, thank you." Balthazar hangs up, staring down at the cellphone in silence. He finally looks up at them after a few seconds. "So, that was Joshua. My son."

"He called you by your name, though." Leave it to Cas to state the obvious.

The smile the statement earns is forced, "Yes, well, that's because he doesn't know I'm his father. I signed over my parental rights so Naomi's partner could adopt him. She still lets me talk to him on occasion. It's not how I envisioned fatherhood, but what can I do about it now?"

Dean asks quietly, "How old is he?"

Balthazar takes a breath before he answers, "Josh is twenty-two. He's got Down's syndrome, that's why he-" The other man presses his lips together and goes silent, just watching them; probably not even aware that he's nervously tapping the side of his thumb on his knee.

Dean smiles, "He seems like a great kid."

Pale blue eyes lock with his and it takes a few moments for Balthazar to smile and nod. "Yes, he is." A small self-deprecating laugh escapes him, "He's nothing like me, thank goodness."

Castiel stands up and moves to sit next to him, nudging him with an elbow, "Oh shut up. Am I going to have to tie you down until you admit you're a great person?"

Balthazar grins and holds both wrists together, playfully squirming in his seat, "Ooo, kinky!" He sucks in a breath and looks at Dean, face twisting in embarrassment when he realizes what he just said and did. "Sorry. That was…" Balthazar slips his shoes on and stands up, "I'm just going to go now. Before I say something even more sophomoric."

Dean chuckles, "You're fine, doc. I mean…where did you think Cas was going to get the handcuffs?" Balthazar stares at him in shock, a tiny smile teasing at the corner of his mouth for what seems like forever before a surprised laugh escapes him.


	36. It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like X-Mas

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

**Chapter Notes:** This chapter was _supposed_to be posted a while ago, but the internet's been giving me issues. Sorry for the delay! Hope everyone is having a Happy Holiday Season!

Title and second quote are from THIS (video link on one of my other sites) Christmas song. You can also see pictures of items that I used for inspiration on one of my other sites.

* * *

**Chapter 36 - ****It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas**

"_Christmas is for children. But it is for grownups too. Even if it is a headache, a chore, and nightmare, it is a period of necessary defrosting of chill and hide-bound hearts."_

_~ Lenora Mattingly Weber_

"I still don't understand why can't have a real tree, Dean." Castiel pouts, giving him an epic puppy-dog look before wheedling, "Can we at least go look at them? Please?" Dean sighs as Cas leans against his chest and nuzzles into his neck, lips pressing hot little kisses to Dean's chilled skin. Even after all this time, on rare occasions, Castiel still tries to 'buy him off' with sexual favors. Cas leans up to whisper in his ear, tongue darting in tease, "Just a quick look?" Dean's eyes wander around the parking lot, bestowing a smile and brief nod to an elderly couple as they walk by. From the reaction on the woman's face, Dean can safely assume that his expression must have looked entirely too forced, perhaps even vaguely constipated.

Dean curls a hand on the side of Castiel's neck and attempts to pull him away gently. Cas bites at his earlobe before allowing Dean to move back a step. The feel of those teeth dragging on his skin makes Dean groan softly. His boyfriend smiles up at him, deliberately licking at his lips. It takes an inordinate amount of willpower to keep his voice calm and non-confrontational, "Baby, we don't need a live tree. An artificial one is just as good. Real ones make a mess and-"

Cas' smile dims and Dean almost doesn't hear the tiny whining noise Castiel makes in his throat. Almost. Cas slips out of Dean's arms, voice petulantly muttering, "Fine, we'll get a fake one." He reaches up to tug his blue hat down over his ears, heading towards the store entrance without a backwards glance.

Dean lifts his eyes skyward, knowing he's going to pay once they're home. He takes a deep breath and shuts his eyes, blowing it out with a shake of his head. By the time Dean starts after his boyfriend, the other man is inside the store, attempting to dislodge a single cart from the long line of them. The brace on Cas' right wrist is making the task difficult. Dean rushes forward to help him, "Here, let me help you."

The other man shrugs him away and prissily tells him, "I got it, Dean." He struggles for a little bit, finally managing to pull the cart free. Pausing to turn and sneer (Dean swears that's what the expression on his boyfriend's face is) at him, Castiel coolly announces, "See? I managed to grab a cart all by myself _without_ your help."

"Babe…we can get a real tree if you want, okay?"

Cas pulls off his hat and scarf, practically throwing them into the cart, before reminding him, "No. _You_ decided _we_ were getting a fake one." The blue-eyed man shrugs out of his coat and shoves it into the cart. He gives Dean an award-winning-worth fake smile and gushes, "So let's go pick our fake tree. I'm sure it will be _awesome_." Dean struggles to not roll his eyes and takes another calming breath, rubbing his hands over his face. He squeezes the bridge of his nose and silently follows behind his pissed off boyfriend. Dean notices the pitying look of a nearby store employee and smiles, shoving both hands in the front pockets of his jeans.

Castiel is on a mission; weaving between carts and people like it's an Olympic event. It's a miracle he doesn't hit anyone during his Rage Race towards the back of the store. Dean stops, allowing a mother and her three kids to pass in front of him and promptly loses Cas in the crowd. By the time he actually makes it to the holiday section of the epically massive store, (Seriously, who needs a store this frickin' big?!) Castiel is standing in the display area with a huge grin on his face. Dean just watches him from a distance, enjoying the look of utter joy on his boyfriend's face. He gives his partner a tentative smile when Cas notices him standing there, allowing it to spread further at the impatient little hand motion beckoning him closer. Dean takes the offered hand and whispers, "Find one you like?"

The question nets him a deceptively casual shrug, "I wasn't looking at the trees actually. I was looking at ornaments. I picked a few…you know, just to show you." He gestures vaguely to the boxes sitting atop his coat in the flip-out child seat of the shopping cart. Dean picks up one of them; the ornament is a small measuring cup with a little red spatula, a wooden spoon and a silver turner inside it. He smiles and sets it aside, picking up the next two, a blue and silver policeman's cap and a set of glittery handcuffs. Dean lifts a brow at Castiel, who quickly loses his smile. Cas reaches to take the boxes from him and moves to put them back on the shelf, explaining hurriedly, "I just thought they were cute. That's all."

Dean pulls his gorgeous man into an embrace, "Hey, c'mere. I like them." He leans in to whisper, "Especially the handcuffs." Castiel blushes and laughs softly with a shake of his head. "You see anything else you liked?" Cas nods. "Show me." His boyfriend smiles, tugging him back to the showcase of Christmas trees. Over the next twenty minutes Castiel points out the ornaments that caught his attention. They pick out a few more before actually looking at the trees themselves. There are a lot of different styles on display and surprisingly, they both like the same one. Of course, as luck would have it, when they get to the aisle the tree is supposed to be in, the shelving unit is empty. In the empty slot is a little plastic sign with the words '_SOLD OUT' _emblazoned in black marker.

Dean's chest tightens; watching Cas check and double-check to make sure the empty spot truly does belong to the tree they agreed on is exceptionally difficult. He comes up behind him, hands settling on his shoulders and whispers, "You know what this means, right?" Dean feels Castiel tense under his hands and gently presses his thumbs into the skin above the collar of Cas' sweater.

Blue eyes look up at him, brows furrowing together. Castiel nods sadly and sighs, "Yeah. I have to go pick another one."

Dean shakes his head, "No." His boyfriend pouts, misunderstanding him. He allows Cas to step away before hooking a hand in the back of his jeans and tugging him back. The other man spins slightly and Dean catches him. He holds him against his chest and sweeps a hand over his temple, "Now, I'm gonna ask you something and I want you to be completely honest with me, okay?" Castiel gives him a suspicious look, but nods in agreement. "Tell me why you really wanted a fresh-cut tree."

Cas blinks and looks away, shaking his head sadly, "It doesn't matter."

"Hey," Dean traces the faint scar on the doctor's cheek with a fingertip, coaxing gently, "look at me." Castiel meets his gaze and Dean could almost swear the other man looks nervous. He smiles and kisses Cas' cheek, "It matters to me." There's some inkling as to why, but Dean wants to hear it from Castiel himself. "I've told you, more than once, that if you want something, all you have to do is ask, right?' Cas nods. "So…?"

Castiel shrugs, trying for nonchalance, "It's been a very long time since I was allowed a Christmas tree so I wasn't expecting anything, but then…then you told me I could decorate the apartment. I was so excited. Actually might have gotten a little overboard with the planning and I just figured that, you know, _maybe_ I could have a real tree. That's all."

"Oh, baby…" Dean swallows, thick and painful, "Alastair never let you decorate for the holidays?" Cas shakes his head and gives Dean his patented '_Castiel Novak: Don't Worry, I'm Fine'_ smile, version 2.0. Dean knows it well. It's the one he gets whenever he says something idiotic (that _usually_ hurts the doctor's feelings) without realizing it. "Why didn't you just say so?" Another shrug. "Here, I've been a royal dick about the whole thing and all you wanted was something you haven't been able to have in years. God, honey…I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry about it. It was presumptuous of me to-"

"Novak, shut up." Cas' eyes widen and he goes silent. "Are you finished looking around?" Castiel looks away, finally shaking his head slowly, looking up at Dean through his lashes. "How about…" He takes a step closer, leaning in to whisper, "we finish looking at decorations? I mean…you can't decorate a whole tree with a couple of cute little ornaments. We need lights and tinsel…wait, that's bad for cats right?" Cas nods, one corner of his mouth quirked up, apparently surprised Dean knew that. "Okay, well…you pick, handsome." He fishes his credit card out of its home in the leather wallet and holds it out to Castiel, "Go crazy, baby. On me."

The smile that blossoms on Cas' face is completely worth the eventual credit card bill. They add a few kitten-friendly ornaments to the ones already in the shopping cart and settle on plain white LED lights for the tree. Castiel assure him that four boxes are more than enough, but Dean grabs the last six…just in case. He's pushing the cart while Cas moves down the aisle ahead of him. Dean pauses briefly to add another box to the bottom of it. They're in line, about fifteen feet away from the registers when Castiel turns around and notices it. Dean is reading a text from his brother so he doesn't see Cas until the other man is all up in his personal space, kissing him to within an inch of his life.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"_It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas_

_Ev'rywhere you go"_

Dean lifts the tree up and gently sets it into the stand, holding it steady while Castiel tightens the screws around the trunk. He peeks down to see Cas standing up and carefully lets the tree go, wiping both hands on the back of his jeans when it doesn't topple over. Dean joins Castiel a few feet away and nudges him, "How's that?"

His boyfriend turns to look at him with a huge smile on his face, eyes lit up with happiness, "I love it." Cas hugs him, face pressing into his chest. His voice shakes with each word he whispers, "Thank you, Dean."

The wealth of emotion in those three words brings a huge smile to Dean's face. He kisses the doctor's temple and whispers back, "You're welcome, baby." They stand there for a few seconds before Dean playfully swats at Castiel's butt, "You do realize it isn't going to decorate itself, right?"

Cas laughs and nods, "Yup." He slips out of Dean's arms to start going through the shopping bags on the coffee table.

It is nearly five hours later before the tree is decorated just how Castiel wants. Dean is busy stringing up the extra strands of lights (because of course Cas was right and four was more than enough for the tree) around the living room windows. He plugs in the lights and takes a step back to join his boyfriend by the light switch. Castiel smiles at him and Dean wraps his arms around the slimmer man, chin hooking over his shoulder, "Hit it, doc."

Cas presses his fingers down on the rocker switch controlling the tree and shuts off the rest of the living room lights. The blue-eyed man turns to admire their handiwork, left hand coming up to comb through Dean's hair, "It's beautiful." Dean watches the look on Castiel's face, such childlike excitement, and kisses his temple. He presses another kiss to his skin and agrees, hugging the other man tighter against him.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"_Emmmm…" _the kitten turns away from the Christmas tree to look at him and answers his scolding with an offended meow, "…Baby-girl, don't make Daddy put you in the bedroom." Sam chuckles in response to the striped kitten swishing her tail before scampering away from the brightly lit tree. Dean shoves his brother's shoulder and mutters, "Don't encourage her."

His brother grins at the shove, head tilting back with a laugh, "What? It's funny. She goes towards it, you reprimand her and she moves away from it. After a few minutes, she's back and the whole thing plays out again. Each time she does it, she gets a little closer, you get a little more upset and she gets a little snippier with her meow before prancing away like a little princess."

Dean snorts and takes a sip of his beer, "Yeah, I know." He watches the kitten stalk around the ottoman and waits until she peeks her head out the other side to scream out a bunch of gibberish. Sam sputters at the sight of the striped kitten leaping onto the ottoman before hauling ass down the hallway to the bedroom, fur standing on end. Dean grins and stands up, trailing after her. Castiel pokes his head out of the kitchen at the noise and Dean reassures him, "Don't panic. Your daughter kept trying to pounce the tree."

Cas rolls his eyes, "Oh sure, when she's bad she's mine but when she does something cute, she's yours."

Dean chuckles and drops a kiss on his boyfriend's lips, "I knew you'd understand. Besides…" He smirks and leans in to whisper in his ear, "I am 'Daddy' right?" Castiel gasps, pushing him away playfully and swats his ass with the dishtowel. Dean laughs, blowing his boyfriend a kiss before moving into the hallway, "I'm just going to put her in the bedroom so she doesn't get into any trouble." Cas nods and ducks back into the kitchen where he and Jessica are hard at work baking enough cookies to feed a small army.

It's Christmas Eve and Dean is enjoying his first day off immensely. The five-day stretch of twelve-hour shifts before his four days off had been exhausting. He'd barely stayed awake on the drive home after yesterday's shift. Dean had stumbled in, begun stripping on the way to the bedroom and yet _still_ managed to fall asleep on top of the covers wearing half of his uniform. He'd woken up naked under the covers; the only reason he knew just how he'd fallen asleep was because Castiel had taken a picture of him with his cellphone. Dean still couldn't believe he passed out before nine o'clock, long before Cas had come home from work. Castiel had teased him about it when he woke up this morning, pouting cutely as he bemoaned eating dinner alone.

Dean smiles as he steps into the bedroom, just in time to see M-ily's tail disappear under the bed. He shuts the bedroom door, entering the bathroom to make sure there is water in her bowl. The kitten peeks out to watch him, vanishing once more as Dean emerges from the master bath. He chuckles and nudges one of her toys across the floor, smirking when she darts out to pounce it before diving back under the bed. Dean nudges it closer to the bed and mutters, "Silly girl," under his breath at the sight of a single paw appearing to retrieve the toy.

He slips out of the bedroom and pulls the door shut with a muted click. Dean pauses halfway down the hall and listens to Cas and Jessica arguing good-naturedly in the kitchen. He swallows a laugh at the topic and continues his trip back towards the living room. His brother looks up and whispers, "What are they arguing about in there?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." Sam gives him a look. "They're discussing toys," his brother frowns slightly so Dean elaborates, "and I don't mean the kind you buy for kids." He takes a long pull off his beer and adds teasingly, "Although these also come with the 'batteries not included' disclaimer."

"Dude, no way!" Dean arches a brow. "Ugh, you know what? Never mind, forget I asked."

Dean laughs, eyes crinkling in corners at the horrified look on his brother's face. Luckily he's saved from saying anything else by the arrival of Castiel. His boyfriend is wearing a red apron with a drunken, martini holding, Christmas light festooned reindeer above the words 'Bingle Jells'. Dean had seen the apron at the store and bought it on a whim, figuring that if Cas hated it, he could always return it. Fortunately, the cheesy gift was a hit.

Castiel lowers the plate between them, "You guys want some cookies? Brought a few of each." He points out each one as he speaks, "Sugar cookies, snickerdoodles, chocolate chip, strawberry linzers, lemon linzers and shortbread. The espresso snowcaps need a few more minutes in the oven and we're almost done icing the gingerbread cookies."

Dean takes one of the snickerdoodles and winks at his boyfriend, who blushes and looks at the younger Winchester, waiting patiently while he makes his choice. Sam smiles and takes a shortbread cookie, "Thanks, Cas." He tilts his head back and calls out to his fiancé, "Thank you, honey!"

Jessica pokes her head out of the kitchen and smiles, replying in an overdone Southern accent, "My pleasure, Sugar!" His brother snickers under his breath and takes another drink of his beer. Dean takes the plate of cookies and sets it on the coffee table in front of them. The two bakers disappear into the kitchen, leaving the two brothers alone in the living room to continue their conversation.

They're halfway thru an episode of some inane ghost-hunter show when Castiel returns, Jess following after a few minutes, carrying two glasses of red wine. She hands one to Cas, sipping from her own glass after easing onto Sam's lap. Dean watches Castiel take a sip of wine before setting the glass down on the coffee table. Cas takes off his apron and tosses it over the computer chair, joining them on the couch. He sits on the couch cushion next to Dean, but turns to speak to Sam and Jessica, "I'm glad you guys came over."

Jess smiles at them, "Me too! Cas, sweetie, you have no idea how happy I am that you love baking as much as I do! It'll make being in-laws so much fun." She snuggles into Sam's neck and Dean smiles at the look on his brother's face. Castiel sits forward, picking up his glass to take a sip. "Sammy makes fun of how much time I spend in the kitchen, but he's more than willing to be a taste-tester."

Cas grins, "Must run in the family." Dean ducks his head behind his boyfriend's shoulder, playfully licking at the nape of his neck, thoroughly enjoying the way his breath hitches, "Among other things." He looks up to find Jess giving him a knowing smirk. Dean has a feeling there's a hidden meaning to the statement. He's proven right when Castiel extends his wine glass towards Jess and toasts, "To the Winchester Brothers and their insatiable…appetites."

Jessica tosses her head back with a laugh. She sits forward and clinks her wine glass against Cas' and grins, "Amen!"


	37. Merry Christmas To Me

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

**Chapter WARNINGS: **Yea...so this chapter has **NO REDEEMING QUALITIES**. It's basically mindless **SMUT**. You've been warned. If the smex isn't your thing, you can skip this chapter...Don't worry, you won't miss anything important. **Additional note at end of chapter.**

* * *

**Chapter 37 - Merry Christmas To Me**

Dean locks the front door and turns off the lights in the living room, watching the tree for a few seconds before flipping the switch to shut that off as well. He takes a deep breath, smiling at the pine scent filling the apartment. If Dean is honest with himself, he's glad they bought a fresh-cut tree after all. If it helps make this Christmas perfect for Cas, Dean's on board with it. He pads into the kitchen and fills a glass with water before making his way into the bedroom. Castiel is toweling off in the bathroom, the steam from his shower infiltrating the bedroom. Dean sets the water glass on his nightstand and begins to strip.

He's pulling his t-shirt off when Cas wolf-whistles from doorway to the master bath, "Woohoo, Mr. Policeman…take it all off!"

Dean laughs, balling up the t-shirt in his hands and flinging it towards the hamper, "I'm working on it!" He turns around and his boyfriend is standing _right there_, directly in front of him, covered only by the towel around his waist. Dean reaches up, ghosting the backs of his fingers over Castiel's cheek, "Hey, baby."

Cas gives him a half-smile, voice shy, "Hey, yourself."

It's the shyness of the answer that strikes Dean more than anything. Nearly one year later and something as simple as a touch makes the blue-eyed man before him appear so much younger than his thirty-five years. Dean's hand cups along the side of Castiel's jaw, thumb gently rubbing back and forth over his stubbled cheek. "Did you have a good time today?" Cas nods. "I'm glad. Sorry my brother and Jess can't make it to dinner tomorrow."

Castiel shrugs, "That's okay. Spending time with the future in-laws is more important. Sammy needs to start earning his son-in-law points early." Dean chuckles, allowing his boyfriend to pull him in for a kiss, speaking against his lips, "Besides, there's always next year. That is, if you decide to keep me around."

Dean growls playfully into the kiss, free hand mapping out the naked expanse of skin at his disposal, "Shut up, Novak. I already told you that you're not going anywhere any time soon. You're mine."

Cas pulls back from the kiss, murmuring against his jaw, "I'm yours?" Dean nods, licking his lips at the feel of Castiel's tongue tracing down the side of his neck. He runs both hands down Cas' back, nails lightly scratching along his spine. The doctor mewls softly, "So possessive." Dean tugs on the towel, letting it pool around Castiel's feet, both hands palming over his boyfriend's naked ass. "You going to show me just how…_yours_ I am?"

He gently squeezes the flesh in his hands, "If you want me to."

His eyes roll back at the lick up from the hollow of his throat to his ear, "Oh, I want you to, copper." Cas swirls his tongue into Dean's ear, voice deepening as he whispers, "I want you to hold me down and slam-fuck me into the mattress." Dean eases a finger down the cleft of Castiel's ass, fingertip rubbing over his boyfriend's most intimate area. There's a whiny tone in the other man's voice when he begs, "Baby, don't tease." Dean presses his finger into that tight little pucker, wresting a gasp from him.

"Get on the bed." The words have Castiel eagerly climbing onto the king-size bed. "Oh, by the way, before you get too comfortable…grab the lube from the nightstand. I'll be right back." Dean heads to the living room and retrieves a silver wrapped box tied with black and blue ribbon. When he gets back, Cas is sitting in the middle of the bed with a huge grin on his face. He cocks his head to the side and returns the smile when Castiel holds up one of the small stones, this one with _'...because you are so much fun' _on the side of it. "Lucky number seven. Well done, doctor."

"You put it in the sex drawer?"

Dean nods with a small shrug, setting the gift on the bed. He sits beside Cas on the bed and urges him, "Open our gift." Castiel gives him a glance out of the corner of his eye and pulls the box into his lap. Dean watches him tear the wrapping paper off to reveal the hinged black box inside. He thoroughly enjoys the look on Cas' face when he lifts the lid and then promptly slams it shut. Dean moves to sit behind his boyfriend, legs wrapping around his body. His hands slide under Castiel's arms and over his chest, pulling him flush against his own body. He mouths along Cas' ear and whispers, "You like it?"

Cheeks aflame, Castiel whispers, "Is this what I think it is?"

A small laugh slips between Dean's lips before he can stop it. "That depends," he kisses Cas' ear and asks, "What do you think it is?"

"I…well, they look like metal anal beads."

Castiel leans into him and sighs at the teasing pinch to his nipples. "Close. Stainless steel, actually." Dean opens the box and lifts the toy out, balancing it on the palm of his hand, "and not anal beads." He hears Cas swallow as the other man realizes that the toy is actually a rigid wand. "I was told it holds temperature rather well…" Dean drags the smallest bulb down the center of Castiel's chest, making him squirm under the cool steel of the toy. Cas sucks in a ragged breath when Dean flips the toy in his hand to tease the small bulb over the seam of his balls.

"Dean…"

He smiles and slides the tip of the toy down further, "Yes, baby?" The only answer Dean gets is a strangled moan as the bulb rubs over the rim of Castiel's hole. He grins, wrapping an arm across Cas' chest, holding him in place against him, "You had a question?"

The other man shakes his head, a tiny grin lifting the corners of his mouth. There's a shuddering breath, followed by a shaky little laugh, "No…I'm good, thanks." Castiel's legs spread wider, knees bending to dig both heels into the bed and his hips lift up slightly to get stimulation just where he wants it.

Dean smirks, pulling the toy away. Cas makes a small complaint in his throat at the loss of contact and Dean kisses his shoulder, quietly reassuring him, "Shh…don't worry…you'll get what you want." Castiel looks up at him and kisses the underside of his chin. "Lie down for me." Dean smiles at just how quickly his boyfriend complies. He slips from the bed, adding the seventh stone to the dresser top with the other six. After a brief detour into the bathroom to wash the toy, he reclaims his spot on the mattress.

Cas smiles, laughing at the kisses Dean bestows upon his feet, "You're such a tease."

"Oh, I haven't begun to tease yet, handsome." He smirks and places the toy on the bed, lifting both of Castiel's feet in his hands. Cas watches him and fidgets at the kiss to the arch of his left foot. Dean flicks his tongue along the base of his boyfriend's toes and chuckles at the way his toes curl under. He kisses along the inside of the other man's ankles, first one then the other. Both legs hook over his shoulders as Dean kisses up along the inside of Castiel's legs, teeth nipping a bite to the side of his knees. He drags his tongue up the doctor's inner thighs, a brief kiss to each hip earning him a hitched breath.

"Fuck, I love you."

Dean nuzzles at Cas' balls, "I love you too. More than you know, baby." He rubs his cheek up the length of Castiel's arousal and licks at the smears of pre-cum on his lover's belly. The muscles beneath his mouth clench and Dean smiles, swirling his tongue into Cas' navel before sealing his lips over it and sucking. His boyfriend makes a muffled hum of pleasure. Dean drags his nails up the back of Castiel's thighs, loving how the small action makes him writhe. "I'm going to eat out this pretty little ass." Dean follows the statement with a quick flick of his tongue over said body part, "that okay with you?"

Cas' hole tightens in response to the teasing lick, his voice utterly wrecked, "I'm totally okay with it."

Dean rubs his cheek along the crease of Castiel's ass, tongue curling to press against his boyfriend's pucker. "Such a pretty little hole," he gives a brief stab of his tongue, followed by a long lick. Cas moans and Dean spreads his lover's ass wider with both hands, thumbs rubbing over his skin. "Fuck, baby…I ever tell you how much I love your ass?"

Castiel nods, whimpering softly at the teasing licks to his asshole. Dean presses his face in and sucks on that rim, tongue pressing in just a fraction. There's a gasp from above and Dean smiles, shoving his tongue in further, thumbs pulling Cas open for his mouth. Both of Castiel's hands slap onto the bed and a tiny hiss of pain makes Dean lift his head quickly. His boyfriend assures him, voice laced in pain, "I'm fine. Nothing you did." Dean lifts a brow and Cas explains, "I forgot about my sprained wrist for a second. It hit the mattress funny, but I'm fine."

Dean teases the tip of his tongue over his boyfriend's pucker; quick little taps, "Only if you're sure."

He laughs at the urgent, "I'm sure, most definitely sure. I get more and more sure each and every time you lick."

"I'll bet you do." Dean curls his tongue and probes at the furled entrance, pressing the tip in briefly. Castiel's hips lift to chase his tongue and Dean spanks him lightly, "That eager already?" Cas sucks in a breath at the slap, blushing at the question. "No need to answer, baby." He carefully eases one of his thumbs into Castiel, wringing a pleased moan from the man. Dean licks around his thumb, barely moving the digit in and out before withdrawing it. He looks up to find his boyfriend watching him. Dean presses his tongue into the slightly gaped hole, the resulting moan going straight to his dick. He eases his tongue out slowly and before Cas is able to bemoan the loss, Dean has eased a thumb into him. He pulls it out, only to work the other one in, alternating them in a steady rhythm. Occasionally Dean holds Castiel's cheeks apart using both thumbs and tongue-fucks his hole.

"_Please_."

Dean licks him open and Cas groans, hips lifting up. There's a small whimpering plea and Dean gives his boyfriend what he wants, shoving his tongue in deep. The resulting full-body shudder is enough to make Dean lift his head, dragging his flattened tongue upwards. He presses small biting kisses to Castiel's belly and up along his ribcage, "Shhh, baby…I know." Cas pushes up onto his elbows and Dean sits up, taking his face in both hands, "I know." Castiel's kiss is hungry and desperate, full of barely restrained need. Dean pushes him onto his back and picks up the toy, dragging the smallest bulb over his bottom lip. Cas opens his mouth, sucking it between his lips. Dean winks at him and gently slips the metal free, "The second I saw this toy, I knew I wanted it in our collection."

"Oh y-yeah?"

Dean grins and presses the saliva-slick bulb over Castiel's erection, "Mm hmm…I did." He ducks to avoid Cas' attempt at a kiss, "I got hard imagining just how fucking hot my boyfriend would look with it in his ass…" Dean sucks a small bruise on Castiel's neck and teases, "…begging me…" He leaves a trail of tiny stinging bites down the center of Cas' chest, "…pleading for me to fuck him harder, faster, deeper." Dean wraps his lips around the flushed head of Castiel's dick, tongue lapping at the weeping slit with a moan. He works his mouth up and down slowly, savoring the taste of his lover before letting the tumescence slip free. Dean settles between Cas' knees and thumbs the bottle of lube open.

"Oh fuck." Dean looks up, brow furrowed. "Nothing. Just…I know that look on your face."

"Oh?" He keeps his question casual, focusing on lubing the toy in his hand instead, "What look is that?"

"The 'I Won't Be Happy With A Single Orgasm' one." Dean eyes flick briefly to Castiel's face before returning to the toy in his hand; enjoying how the older man has to take a breath and lick at his lips before continuing, "The one that tells me I'll be walking funny tomorrow and possibly the day after."

"Oh I don't know." Dean knows Cas is watching him through half-lidded eyes so he makes it a point to wrap the fingers of his left hand around the toy, stroking it suggestively. He manages to not smirk at the sharp intake of breath from the man beneath him. "It's not like you have anywhere to be for the next few days."

"T-true. There is that."

Dean finally lifts his gaze to meet Castiel's, "So relax. Enjoy the ride." He lowers the toy, rubbing that spit-slick hole with the lubed tip of the smallest bulb. Cas' eyes flutter shut and his eyebrows press together when Dean gently presses the tip of the toy against him. Castiel's stomach muscles clench even as his rim swells open for the toy. Dean curls the fingertips of his left hand around Cas' arousal. Not stroking, not yet. Just leaves them there, curled around the stiffened flesh. He clenches his jaw at the sight of that first bulb disappearing into his boyfriend's body, loving how Castiel rolls his hips when he tugs gently. The base of the small steel bulb appears briefly at Cas' rim before Dean pushes the toy in again. Castiel's rim swells over the next, slightly larger bulb and this time Dean has to bite his lip to keep from making a sound. His hand tightens around Cas' dick, stroking lazily as he works that second bulb free before easing it back in.

"Mmmmfuck…_Dean!"_

"You okay, baby?"

"M-more than okay, I'm-" Castiel's voice breaks off at the final bulb sliding into him. Dean turns the toy in his hand and he knows the instant the smallest bulb touches Cas' prostate because the doctor's back arches gracefully off the bed. An amalgamation of Dean's name and a breathless moan spills from his lips.

"I find your sweet spot, baby?" Dean grins at the way Castiel's left eyebrow hitches up into his hairline, the rest of his face twisting with each shift of the toy inside him. He withdraws that last bulb free and then the middle one; Cas whimpers at the stretch of his hole around the slick steel. Dean presses the wand back into him and Castiel keens at the sensation of both bulbs pushing back into him in rapid succession. He repeats the action: pulling the toy free and then pressing it back in, faster this time. And then does it again. And again, over and over until Cas is a shaking, pleading, wrecked mess. "So fucking gorgeous, baby. You know that?" Castiel shakes his head, mouth opening and shutting silently, eyes glazed and unfocused. Dean isn't even sure that his boyfriend heard him, but it doesn't matter, not anymore. He gently works the wand free and makes quick work of slipping a condom on, Cas' hands clutching at him desperately the whole time. Dean grunts at the feel of Castiel's hand fisting in his hair, "Shh, baby, I'm right here."

He gets pulled down into a voracious open-mouthed kiss, just barely preventing his weight from crushing the man beneath him. "I know," Cas bites his bottom lip and says with a growl, "Now please explain to me why _on Earth_ your dick isn't inside me right now?" Dean grins, pushing onto his knees and tugging Castiel up into a sitting position. "Quit teasing and fuck me!" Dean laughs and kisses his boyfriend silent. He pulls from the kiss reluctantly and relishes the look of confusion as he maneuvers Cas to turn around. Cas looks at him over his shoulder, "Dean, I can't…not on all fours…my wrist."

"Technically, you could…by resting on your forearms," Castiel opens his mouth, but Dean doesn't give him a chance to speak, "but that's not what I'm wanting." He nudges the doctor's knees apart with one of his own and presses a kiss to the scar between Cas' shoulder blades.

"Then what…?" Dean wraps an arm around Castiel's chest and lifts him up into his lap, rocking his hips against him. The tip of his sheathed cock slides between the globes of his lover's ass and Cas finally gets it, "Oh! Why didn't you_…_?" Dean smiles, reaching down between them to spread Castiel's ass, his cock instantly slotting into place. His hips thrust forward, shoving deep into Cas in one stroke, "…_ohhhfuckkkmeee_!"

Dean groans out between clenched teeth, "That what you wanted, baby?" He rests his forehead against the slope of Castiel's shoulder and shifts his hips, rocking in and out of his lover's body. Cas reaches up, curling his right arm around Dean's neck, making these sweet little moans in response to each of his thrusts, nodding wordlessly. Dean's mouth drops open, lips peeling back from his teeth with a hiss, "I love you."

Castiel twists to meet his gaze, voice barely above a whisper, eyes blown wide, "Love you more." Dean takes his mouth in a kiss, sucking Cas' tongue in tandem with the motion of his lower body. His left arm tightens around the other man's chest, holding him in place, the fingers of his free hand grabbing ahold of his hip in a near-bruising grip. Dean's left hand slides up to close around the base of Castiel's throat and the response he gets…_Holy. Fucking. Shit! _Cas keens and pushes back into him, ass meeting each of his thrusts in a frenetic rhythm. Dean's growls, plunging deeper into him, the wet slap of skin on skin stoking the fire of his arousal even hotter. Castiel chokes on a breath with a decisively brutal hit to his prostate, "Right fucking _THERE_!" Dean reaches back with his right hand and braces himself on the footboard, arm flexing with the effort to keep their combined weight upright. "Oh shit, Dean! Yes, right there! Harder! Oh please, fuck me harder!"

And who is Dean to refuse him? He eagerly complies, slamming in hard, nailing Cas' prostate each time. "Is that better? That what you want, baby?" Dean doesn't care that he's spewing cliché porn lines and apparently Castiel is too far gone to even notice; he's gasping out a breathless litany of _'deeper'_ and_ 'faster' _under his breath. The way he enthusiastically takes everything Dean has to offer is a gift in and of itself. This beautiful man, who at the core is still so broken, has given himself over completely and without reservation. The level of trust is amazing and Dean is humbled by the enormity of his realization; it hits him like a freight train, a split second of clarity and then he's gone, spilling into Cas with a groan.

Castiel makes a noise that is somewhere between half sob and half purr of happiness, his upper body lax against Dean's chest, mouth open in blatant invitation. Dean kisses him, the gentleness of the action a stark contrast to the desperate fierceness of the sex. Dean lowers until his ass is resting on the back of his calves, his grip on the footboard releasing once he's sure they won't topple over. Both arms wrap around Cas, holding him in place for the kiss. His boyfriend is grinding on him, hips making slow figure eights and he flattens both hands on Castiel's chest, smoothing them downwards to his belly. The muscles clench under his hands, trembling with the effort. "Dean!"

"Shhh, baby." Dean wraps his right hand around Cas' dick, stroking gently, almost lazily, "I'm right here." Castiel's body tenses up and with a choked moan, he's spilling hot and thick over Dean's hand. "There you go, baby. Feel so good clenching on my cock, Cas…love how your tight little ass squeezes around me when you cum."

Castiel swallows audibly and whispers, "Love how you fuck me." Dean flexes and bucks into Cas' body, smirking at his boyfriend's stuttered, "F-fucking Christ I love that dick! You should be arrested…"

Dean laughs and teases, "Why's that, baby?" Castiel makes an embarrassed little huff and he bucks up again, catching that sweet spot, making the other man squeal softly. "You know, if I get arrested, you don't get this…" he accentuates his statement with a shift of his hips. "Who would take care of you, baby? Who'd make sure you were kept in manner with which…" another thrust up, "you've…" and yet another, "become accustomed?" Cas seizes up and cums again, an endless stream of nonsense spilling out of his kiss-swollen lips. His body spasms so tight around him, making Dean's eyes flutter shut as he rides out Castiel's orgasm. The second one isn't any gentler than the first and Cas is boneless in its wake. Dean eases them onto the mattress, "you alive, Cassanova?"

His boyfriend nods silently, his muscles still twitching faintly as he comes down from his high. Dean runs a hand over Castiel's sweaty face, fingers ghosting over his perfect mouth. Cas' lips part and he giggles, whispering, "Merry Christmas to me," before slipping into unconsciousness.

The blue-eyed man doesn't react when Dean goes to the bathroom a few minutes later. Dean cleans up and then returns a few minutes later to do the same for Castiel. His boyfriend whimpers softly, but doesn't wake, simply turns to nuzzle into his chest, moaning softly at the feel of the warm washcloth passing over him. Dean watches him sleep for a while, marveling at how relaxed Cas' face looks like this. He lifts Castiel's hand up and kisses the backs of his fingers and smiles when it earns him a tiny sighed out _'Dean.' _His eyes flick to the nightstand and the clock there. _12:03_. Dean leans forward and whispers, "Merry Christmas, baby."

* * *

Please see one of my other websites for a link to what Dean bought as a 'couple gift' for him and Castiel.


	38. Everything's Better With Family

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

**Chapter Note: ** Holy Hell, this chapter ran away from me! Hope you guys enjoy it. (For inspiration pics used during the writing of this chapter, please see one of my other accounts, thank you.)**  
**

* * *

**Chapter 38 - Everything's Better With Family**

Castiel wakes up slowly, blinking at the shaft of sunlight cutting across his face. He's on his stomach, cheek pressed into the mattress, his pillow undoubtedly on the floor. Cas is surprised to see that Dean is still asleep, snoring softly. Usually the other man wakes long before he does, but today, surprisingly, that's not the case. Castiel reaches for behind him, for nightstand and the cellphone resting atop it. He taps out his password on the small screen and carefully holds the phone out in front of him. Dean's face twitches and his snores stop, causing Castiel to freeze, relaxing only when the snores resume. Cas is able to take a fairly decent picture of his boyfriend. The only response is a frown in his sleep at the flash of the phone's camera.

Castiel returns his cellphone to the nightstand and turns onto his side, facing Dean's sleeping form. The lines of his boyfriend's face are relaxed and Cas allows himself to just watch him. There's light stubble on that beautiful face and he can't help but reach out to trace the curve of Dean's upper lip with his index finger. He pauses when Dean's cheek twitches, brow furrowing briefly before smoothing out once more. His eyelids flutter with the movement of his eyes and Castiel moves closer, head resting on Dean's pillow. He watches and lays a hand on his boyfriend's t-shirt clad chest when the sleeping man sucks in a breath, moaning at something in his dream. Those plush lips part and his face twists, jaw muscle twitching furiously. Cas whispers, "Shhh, relax…it's just a dream."

Dean's eyebrows furrow once more and his face tightens, nostrils flaring at whatever he's dreaming about. When Castiel rubs over his chest, one hand comes up and wraps around his wrist. _Hard_. Cas whimpers, trying to pull free, but Dean's grip is far too tight. His boyfriend mutters in his sleep, the words too jumbled to understand. Castiel swallows hard and says in a shaky voice, "Dean, you're hurting me." When the other man's vice-like grip loosens slightly and his face twitches in response to the words, Cas repeats, in a firmer voice, "Let me go, Dean." He sees the words filter into Dean's subconscious and he adds sternly, "Now." And just like that, the policeman instantly complies.

Castiel isn't prepared to see his sleeping face crumble sadly, _'I'm so sorry…forgive me' _shuddering out of him. He reaches up to cup Dean's cheek and whispers, "Shhh, it's just a dream, love." Cas nuzzles his lips and murmurs softly, "Come back to me, handsome." Dean's lips part and he whispers _'Cas'_ into his mouth. Castiel smiles and whispers, "That's right, baby. My big, strong policeman…wake up for me." He flicks his tongue into Dean's mouth and pulls back with a grin when his boyfriend mumbles _'I told him no kissing you on the mouth. Not anymore.' _Castiel smirks, purring in the sleeping man's ear, licking the shell of it teasingly, "But you didn't tell me the rules, Dean."

A small moan fills the room and Cas chuckles at Dean's slurred response: _'y'don' need to know th'rules.' _He pressed closer and nuzzles into his boyfriend's ear, "Why's that?" Dean starts snoring again and Castiel frowns, thinking the other man's been sucked under again. He gasps at the faint, almost inaudible _'b'cause…you're th'fucktoy.' _A startled laugh slips free before he can stop it and at the sound of his laughter, Dean snaps awake, pulling away from him, green eyes blinking repeatedly in drowsy confusion.

"Wha…?" A long yawn interrupts Dean's question and he stretches his arms up over his head. His back arches slightly, and he groans happily as he turns to face him. Sleepy eyes meet his, "Wha' time is it?"

Cas smiles, "A little after seven." Dean makes a disgusted face and turns into the pillow, grumbling something about his internal clock. He leans forward and playfully bites Dean's neck, snapping his teeth in the air above his ear before whispering, "Merry Christmas, Grinch."

His boyfriend turns and smiles sleepily, "Merry Christmas, baby." Castiel smiles back, loving just how pleased Dean sounds when he says, "Our first Christmas together."

"Mmm hmm…the first of many." He thinks of Dean's obviously naughty dream and grins wickedly, sliding into the other man's arms when they open in obvious invitation, "Anything in particular that you're hoping for from Santa?" Cas mouths up the slope of Dean's jaw and grins at the breathy little sigh he receives as a response. "If you could have _anything_ at all, what would it be?"

Dean chuckles, wrapping him in his arms before asking carefully, "Anything?"

"Mmm hmm…_anything_." Castiel smiles and nuzzles into the dip of his throat, teeth dragging over the skin carefully. He kisses the slope of his shoulder and informs him, "Provided that it doesn't trigger me, of course."

Dean sucks in a breath at his answer and pulls away, warily narrowing his gaze, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Castiel shrugs and leans in to kiss him, "Just what I said. If there's anything you've really wanted to try but were afraid to ask for…" He smiles and presses closer, "Today would be the day…well that and your birthday, but that's a still a few weeks away."

"So, anything?" Cas nods and the look Dean levels on him…_Sweet Christ!_ He watches the way Dean involuntarily licks his lips. It takes a few minutes before the other man screws up the courage to ask, "You have something in mind?"

Castiel bats his eyelashes coyly and bites his bottom lip, knowing damn well what it does to Dean. "Mmmmaybe…" He brushes his lips over his boyfriend's and laughs when he's rolled onto his back. Cas thrusts his hips up into his lover, thoroughly enjoying the growl that fills his mouth. Dean is sporting impressive morning wood and he can't help but tease, "That a gun, Officer, or are you just happy to see me?"

Dean lifts his head and laughs, pushing up to straddle his waist, "You're such a dork, baby." Castiel shrugs, in what he _hopes_ is a cute manner, and slides his fingers under the hem of the blue shirt his boyfriend is wearing, lightly scratching at the warm skin underneath. "Good thing I love you, Jamie." He scowls at the nickname and Dean grins, "What? You don't like it when I call you that?" Cas shakes his head and squints at the little pout on his lover's lips, "but I like calling you that…no one else does it, right?" He shakes his head again and Dean whispers, "Well, then…that makes it all mine."

Castiel presses his lips together in thought and mock-glowers, "There's a _reason_ no one calls me that, Assbutt."

Dean arches a brow and silently mouths _'assbutt?'_ at him. Cas nods seriously and his boyfriend laughs. He watches him tap a fingertip to his stubbled chin, "Let's see…Balthazar calls you 'Cassie'…" His lips twist in thought, "Everyone else either calls you 'Cas' or just uses your full name. I guess I _could_ call you Jimmy…or Jim…" He watches Dean's face light up, laughing when he leans to growl out, "Dammit, Jim! I'm a policeman, not a nickname factory!" The younger man grins and flops down on the bed, wiggling his eyebrows at him, "How's that one?"

Cas snorts in amusement, answering between giggles, "You can call me 'Jamie' if you doing that every time you call me 'Jim' is my only other option." His giggles turn into wheezing laughter when Dean fist-pumps the air above the king-sized bed while singsonging _'Yuss!'_ over and over.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

It's nearly two hours later before they start their day because neither of them wants to get out of bed. They spend the time cuddling under the covers and making out like teenagers. The only reason they finally get up is because they're expecting Jo (who, having promised her mother that she and Anna would have Christmas dinner at the Harvelle household, needed to stop by early) at around noon or a bit after. Dean calls his brother while Castiel is in the shower. The conversation lasts nearly an hour and Cas keeps himself occupied by giving the apartment a quick cleaning. Dean makes a brief appearance to set his phone to charge on the living room desk before disappearing into the bedroom once more. Castiel wanders into the kitchen and is busy making brunch when there's a knock on the front door. He looks at the clock and frowns; it's barely eleven, far too early for Jo and Anna to be arriving.

Dean pads down the hallway, barefoot, voice muffled from under the towel he's using to dry his hair, "I'll get it." Cas shakes his head with a smile and peeks over the bar to see who's at the door. He hears Dean's surprised, _"Oh hey! G'morning! Merry Christmas! Come in, come in…you're the first one here."_

Castiel is surprised to hear Balthazar's voice apologizing, _"Sorry I didn't realize I would be the only one here. I came over too early…I should have called…I'll just-"_

His boyfriend's voice interrupts and Cas can almost see him waving Balthazar's apology away, _"Hey, don't worry about it, man. Here, lemme take your coat. Cas is in the kitchen making brunch." _He hears Dean moving closer and smiles when the green-eyed man calls out, _"Babe, Balthazar's here and he brought boooooze!"_

Both men appear at the bar and Castiel smiles, smacking Dean on the ass when he waves the two bottles at him. The policeman dances to the fridge and moves things around to find a spot for the wine. "Merry Christmas, Baz."

"Merry Christmas, Castiel." The blonde smiles tightly and chuckles halfheartedly when Dean spins on the balls of his feet and hip-checks the refrigerator closed. The younger man makes a show of dancing down the hall towards the bedroom. Balthazar turns to watch him go and when he's sure the other man won't hear, leans in to tell him, "I can leave and come back if I'm too early." The older doctor's brow furrows and he nods, murmuring under his breath, "Yes, you know what? I'll just go ahead and leave. This was a stupid anyway…I'll let myself out."

"Don't be silly. You're more than welcome to stay, hang out, drink…whatever." Cas looks up in time to see his best friend is no longer in the kitchen. He moves the skillet off the burner and rushes around the bar, reaching for his sleeve, "Baz, stop!" Balthazar eases out of his grip and steps back. Castiel's never seen his friend this nervous and he lowers his voice to ask, "What's wrong?"

Balthazar's face twists and he shakes his head, "Nothing, I just…" He gets another tight little smile and that's when Cas _knows_ for sure something's wrong, because it's the same smile Balthazar uses when he's trying to save face.

Castiel takes a step closer, "I can't help if you won't talk to me." He reaches up to cup his cheek and flinches when his friend backs away to avoid his touch. "Oh my goodness, Balthazar, I wasn't going to hit you! Is that what you thought?"

The blonde's eyes widen and he shakes his head adamantly, "No! Of course not! I just…maybe it's a good idea if we don't touch each other anymore." Cas scoffs, completely unable to keep the surprise off his face. Balthazar hedges, "I mean it's disrespectful to Dean and…I don't want him to hate me any more than he already does. I just want you both to have a good day."

"I don't hate you, Dr. Sebastian."

Balthazar startles and turns to look at Dean. "I, uh…ahem…" He looks between the two men and swallows audibly, turning to hurry to the front door, "I was just leaving."

"Whoa, hey…what the hell, doc?" Dean looks at him curiously and Castiel shrugs, holding up his hands in confusion. Both of them chase after the older man, catching him halfway through pulling on his coat. Dean blocks the front door, "Balthazar, what the fuck is going on?"

"I…" Balthazar sucks in a breath and holds it, his face a mask of pain as he swallows hard. Dean's eyes flick to meet his and then away when Balthazar bites out, "I can't be around you two, alright?!" Cas feels his stomach drop, but that's not the worst of it, "You two…with your perfect little life…" The blonde sneers, "…the happy couple moving in together, with a kitten and just…" Balthazar takes a breath and rages at them, "…you have everything I didn't know I wanted!" His voice breaks on the last word and he turns away to face the living room, one hand coming up to rub at his forehead.

Castiel shudders at the ferocity of his friend's answer. Dean is staring at Balthazar, mouth open in shocked silence. Cas stands comes up behind the blonde man and wraps his arms around him, face pressing in between his shoulders. Balthazar's body initially goes rigid in his embrace, but slowly relaxes, trembling hands moving to cover his. Castiel speaks softly into the back of his neck, "Is that why you didn't want to come over?"

Balthazar nods, but remains silent. It's a few minutes before he actually speaks quietly, "I don't begrudge your happiness, Castiel. Honestly, I don't. I…the last few months…seeing you so happy…" Cas whispers an almost inaudible apology and Balthazar turns in his arms, hands reaching up to cup his face, "No, don't apologize. You have nothing to be sorry about. You deserve to be happy, blissfully so. If anyone deserves happiness, it's you, Castiel."

He pauses to take a breath and Castiel interrupts him, "Cassie." Balthazar tilts his head curiously and he explains, "You keep calling me 'Castiel.'"

"It's your name."

"Yes, but you always call me 'Cassie' unless you're upset with me." He reaches to cover Balthazar's hands with his and asks, "Are you upset with me, Baz?"

His friend shakes his head and pulls him into a hug, "No, I'm not upset," and Cas finds himself burrowing into his chest. "Where'd your boyfriend go?"

Castiel looks around, only then realizing that Dean left to give them privacy. "Probably in the kitchen." He cocks his head to listen and nods at the faint sounds of the fridge opening and closing, "He's in the kitchen. Why do you ask?"

Balthazar shrugs, "Just curious."

Cas jerks his head in the directions of the kitchen, "You hungry?" His friend shakes his head, pulling away. "You still leaving?" Castiel tries for casual when he asks the question, but he can't quite keep the unhappiness out of his voice.

He's a little surprised when Balthazar answers, "If you still want me to, I'll stay."

"I want you to stay." Cas smooths over the lapels of Balthazar's camel colored coat, tugging them gently, "Hang this up and make yourself at home. You don't have to come into the kitchen if you don't want to, but I'm going to get something to eat because I'm starving." Balthazar smiles, a genuine one this time, and shrugs out of his jacket.

Dean looks up from the skillet as Castiel enters the kitchen, "He leave?" Cas shakes his head and reaches out to steal a piece of bacon from the plate on the counter. He gasps when Dean slaps the back of his hand lightly, "That's for everyone, Jamie."

Castiel pulls his hand back with a laugh, "I was just gonna take one!"

His boyfriend gives him a look and points the turner at him, "No one can eat just one piece of bacon. Now make yourself useful and grab plates." Cas moves around him and pulls down three plates, knowing full well that Balthazar will eventually wander in from the living rom and try to steal from his.

"What did you end up making?"

Dean shrugs, "Finished the bacon you started." He gestures to the two skillets on the stove, "plus hash browns and eggs." Cas holds out the plates for Dean and adds bacon slices to all three plates. "We're out of bread, so no toast; sorry."

Castiel grins, opening up one of the plastic storage containers on the counter, "No worries." He waves the top over the open container and teases, "Jess and I made Christmas muffins." He laughs at the Dean's happy groan and moves around the bar to keep the muffins out of his reach.

"Why didn't you tell me that last night?"

"Because, Love," he explains gently, "you would have eaten them all." Cas holds up a finger and warns, "Don't even try to deny it."

Dean gives him a bashful little shrug and pours himself some coffee. His boyfriend calls after him as he deposits the plates on the table, "You want a cup?" Castiel shakes his head and smiles when Dean automatically knows to fill the teakettle with water. He watches the younger man open the pantry and rifle through the collection of loose teas inside. Cas is surprised to see that Dean actually reads the labels on the airtight canisters, clucking his tongue until he finds the one he's looking for. Their eyes meet as he shuts the pantry door, "What?"

Castiel smiles, "Nothing. Just surprised that you actually _pick_ a tea. I've always imagined you randomly grabbing one when you make it for me."

Dean blushes, face screwing up in embarrassment, and admits, "I usually pick by smell, but this one…the lady at the store said it was very 'Christmassy' when I bought it." He opens the tin and holds it out to him. Cas leans to smell it and smiles. "You like it?"

"It smells good." The smile his boyfriend gives him is equal parts shy and delighted. He moves to make the tea as Castiel sets the table. Balthazar is sitting on the sofa, looking down at his cellphone sadly when Cas peeks into the living room. Castiel guesses, from the expression on Balthazar's face, that Joseph still hasn't called and/or texted him. "Hey, Baz? You can put some music on if you want."

Balthazar looks over, "Anything in particular?"

"Guest's choice." His friend gives him a nod before standing up and wandering over to the sound system. He's about to explain how to use it when music pours from the speakers. It's in the middle of the last song playing when Dean shut it off the night before. Castiel hears Balthazar chuckle and calls out, "I heard that!" He about to says something else when the song changes. Balthazar's selection makes him grin. He's singing under his breath when Dean joins him at the table. His boyfriend leans in and breathes the lyrics into his neck, causing him to laughs softly. He pushes him away and playfully scolds him, "Behave." As expected, Balthazar wanders over just as Dean disappears into the kitchen and tries to steal a piece of bacon off his plate. Cas blocks his hand and points to the third plate, "That one's yours."

Balthazar laughs and sits down, lifting a strip of bacon off his own plate, "You know me so well, Cassie."

"Tell me…_how long_ have we known each other?"

Dean returns to the table, two mugs of tea in his hands. His boyfriend sets one in front of him and the other in front of Balthazar, answering before Castiel can, "Sixteen years, right?"

His friend nods and picks up the mug, taking a moment to smell the tea before sipping from it carefully. He watches Balthazar's eyebrows lift and smiles when the other man licks his lips before taking another sip. It takes Balthazar a little bit to realize that both he and Dean are watching him, but when he finally does, his eyes flick between the two of them, "What?"

His boyfriend shrugs and picks up his silverware, starting in on his meal without another word. Balthazar's gaze moves from Dean over to him and Cas tells him, in French, "He's happy we liked his choice of tea."

Balthazar grins, replying, also in French, that it was a lovely choice. Dean interrupts, "Hey! No fair speaking in another language when not everyone in the room understands!" He points his fork at them with a scowl, "English, both of you."

"Forgive me, Dean, that was rude." He reaches out to cover Dean's hand with his and explains, "Cassie was telling me that you made the tea selection and I just remarked how it was a nice choice." Dean moves his hand out from under Balthazar's and goes back to his food, attention entirely on his plate. Balthazar looks over at him curiously and Castiel points to his own ears then gestures to his boyfriend. His friend frowns briefly, eyes widening when he notices that Dean's ears are flushed pink. Instead of responding, Balthazar reaches to pick up one of the muffins. He tears off a piece and his eyes drift shut as he chews, "Cassie, you are going to make poor Dean fat if you keep baking like this."

Dean laughs, looking up with a grin, "I know, right? I keep telling him that he needs to stop and all he does is make something even better than the last amazing thing. You don't understand how bad it is…he made red velvet cookies the other day. Red. Velvet. Cookies. It was like an orgasm in my mouth." Balthazar sputters around his mouthful of tea. Dean realizes what he said and hides behind his hand, "I can't believe I just said that." He snorts a laugh, "You know what I mean, though."

Balthazar smirks and teases, "Oh, I don't know…I rather like the visual that elicited." Dean groans and sinks down in his chair, causing his friend to tease him further, "I'd imagine that would be one of the noises accompanying said visual." Castiel reaches out and smacks Balthazar on the shoulder, shoving him gently. The blonde raises his hands in surrender, "Okay, okay…I'll stop teasing the poor boy." The rest of brunch passes in relaxed silence as they eat.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Andrea, come in!" Cas opens the door wider and pulls Andrea into a hug, "Merry Christmas!" She hugs him and presses a kiss to his cheek. Castiel reaches to ruffle her son's hair, "Hey, Lucas. Ash and Dean are setting up for Rock Band if you want to help." Lucas smiles and disappears into the living room.

"We're not too early are we?" Cas assures her they aren't. "Good. Lucas was anxious to come over. He really loves coming over to spend time with you guys."

There's a knock on the door and Castiel points to the kitchen when she asks where to put her casserole. He pulls the door open and smiles nervously at their new guest as he reaches to shake his hand, "Merry Christmas, Sir."

"Oh shut up with that, ya idjit! Get over here and give me a hug!" Bobby pulls him into a bear hug. There's a chorus of 'Bobby!' from the living room and Cas is saved when Dean comes over to greet their new arrival, a look of utter joy on Dean's face as he hugs him.

Castiel looks around the apartment with a smile. Ash and Lucas are in front of the television, busy making a song selection while Jo and Anna try and convince them to pick their choice; Andrea is sitting on the couch next to Pamela, both women laughing at something Rich said; while Rich's girlfriend, Emma, is in the middle of a conversation with Balthazar. Cas startles slightly when Dean's arm wraps around his waist from behind and pulls him back into his chest. His boyfriend kisses the side of his neck and whispers, "You going to play or you going to bow out like you always do?"

He makes a face and laughs at the pout on Dean's lips. "I'll play…as long as I don't have to sing." Castiel holds up a finger, "And only until Anna and Jo leave, because that's when it'll time to set up for dinner." Dean nods happily and tugs him into the living room.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Dean comes into the kitchen and drops a kiss on his lips, "We have any of those gingerbread cookies left?" Cas arches a brow. "They're not for me. Lucas was wondering if he could take some home."

Castiel points to Christmas tree, "There's cookies for everyone to take home. You can give them out as people leave. And before you ask…yes, I gave Anna and Jo theirs."

Dean gives him a half-smirk, "No wonder you and Jess were baking up a storm yesterday. I wondered where they all went."

"Well, _now_ you know."

Rich grins and intones, "And knowing is half the battle," as he comes into the kitchen. Dean snickers, high-fiving his friend before taking the plates from him. "We're gonna head out, man; Em's tired and I gotta work in the morning." They walk out of the kitchen together and Cas pulls open the pantry, grabbing a small tea canister before moving to the Christmas tree. He grabs the cookie tins labeled 'Andrea & Lucas' and 'Rich & Emma' while Dean walks Richard and his girlfriend to the front door.

He hugs Emma goodbye, "Thank you for coming. These are for both of you, _Rich_." Castiel looks at the policeman pointedly, "_Both_ of you." Rich pouts but nods, making a 'cross my heart motion' over his chest. Cas leans to whisper in Emma's ear, "The tea is for you. It'll help with the nausea." The blonde smiles at him and kisses his cheek mouthing 'thank you' before moving to where Richard is holding her coat open for her. Castiel turns to hand Lucas the other cookie tin with a smile, "There's a few of those gingerbread cookies in there."

Andrea hugs him, "Thanks for having us over, Castiel." She turns to remind her son, "Lucas, what do you say?"

"Thanks. I had a good time and I love my gift."

Cas smiles at the boy, "You're welcome. You'll have to draw something for us to frame."

"Sure!" Lucas pauses in the middle of putting on his jacket to squint at him and asks dubiously, "You'd really put it up?"

Dean pulls the kid into a hug and tells him, "Of course we'd put it up!" Lucas giggles into the hug and nods, satisfied with the answer. Within the next thirty minutes, Pamela and Ash head home. Dean is in the middle of a conversation with Bobby as they head to the front door and Balthazar is gazing forlornly at his cellphone, yet again. "Hey, Jamie?" Castiel looks up, "I'm taking Bobby to his hotel room." Cas goes to stand up, but Dean motions for him to sit back down, "I'll be back in a few, okay?"

"Okay. Are you coming over tomorrow, Bobby?"

"Of course I am. You promised me breakfast, boy." Dean snorts and shoves Bobby out the door; blowing him a kiss as he pulls the door shut.

Balthazar chuckles, "I suppose that's my cue to head home…" Castiel puts his legs over his friend's lap, earning himself an arched brow. "Not my cue?" Cas shakes his head, smiling when Balthazar relaxes back into the cushions, "He called you 'Jamie' when he left."

Castiel shrugs, "He said he wanted a nickname that was 'just his' and that was the least cringe-worthy…so yes, he calls me 'Jamie.' Not often though." Balthazar opens his mouth and then shuts it. "_Baz_…say what you were going to say."

"Nothing. Just…it suits you. I like it." Cas shifts position and leans against his friend's shoulder. "I'm quite partial to 'Cassie' myself, but to each his own, I guess."

"He said that 'Cassie' was your nickname for me." Balthazar turns to look at him in surprise and he nods, "I'm serious." He gives him a smirk and leans to whisper, "And this morning, I think he was having a dirty dream about us."

Balthazar returns the smirk, lifting his wine glass to take a sip before he asks, "What makes you think that?"

"He was talking in his sleep. Told someone to not kiss me on the mouth."

His friend gives him an unconvinced look, rolling his eyes for emphasis, "That could mean anything, Cassie. It doesn't mean the dream was about us."

"He said 'not anymore' right after that. Think about it, who else does he know that _used_ to kiss me?" Balthazar tilts his head as if thinking. Castiel watches him and grins when his friend's eyes widen. "Want to know what else he said?" He doesn't give him time to answer, "When I reminded him that he hadn't told me the rules…" Balthazar drains the rest of his wine as he listens, "…he said I didn't need to know them because I was the, as he put it, 'fucktoy'."

Balthazar coughs and stares at him, "You have got to be kidding me." Cas shakes his head. "I thought he hated me."

He lifts a shoulder, "I guess seeing you shirtless was enough to put dirty thoughts into his head."

His friend elbows him, "Oh do shut up, you little twit," and stands up, crossing the room to refill his wine glass. "He'd never go through with it, you know. He loves you too much to share you with someone else…_especially_ me."

"Oh, I don't know. I think if he were going to share me with anyone, it _would_ be with you. At least that way, he wouldn't need to worry about me being hurt. Does that make sense?"

Balthazar drinks half the glass of wine and wipes the back of his hand over his mouth. "It does, but what about me?" When Cas sits forward, he explains, "What's to keep _me_ from being hurt? It's been years since we've been intimate in that manner. I've grown adjusted to the needed separation between the different parts of our lives together. Our friendship, in its current incarnation, and our past relationship as lovers…they're separate in my mind. It's the only way I've been able to function. I'm not sure I can cross that line; not after all this time. You know I love you, Cassie…dearly so, but I'm not sure I can do-"

The front door opens and Dean comes in, speaking into his cellphone, "No way…she didn't!" Dean laughs and teases his brother, "You're doomed, Sammy. She's got you so fucking whipped…" He pauses and scoffs, "…I am not!" Dean rolls his eyes at whatever Sam is saying and shrugs out of his jacket, tossing it over the back of the computer chair. His voice muffles as he pulls his striped long-sleeved shirt over his head, dropping it on top of his jacket, "Shut up, bitch." He tosses his head back and laughs, tugging his gray t-shirt down as he walks past them and into the kitchen, snickering under his breath. "Idiot. So you had fun? Well that's good…" The younger man reappears, offering a beer to Balthazar, who shows him his wine glass. He points to the bottle and Castiel nods, reaching for it as he moves closer. Dean sits down on the couch, taking a drink of his own beer, "Uh huh…." and tells him, "Sammy says hi."

"Hi, Sam."

Dean listens to his brother's response and grins, "He says to tell you that you're an angel for putting up with me this long…and that you deserve a medal." Castiel smirks and agrees. Dean smirks at whatever his brother says, "No, not yet." Balthazar finishes his wine and sets his glass on the bar. Cas notices that Dean's eyes flick briefly in the direction of the other man before answering, "Guess. Yep…Uh, no." He arches a brow at his friend and Balthazar frowns, giving him a look. Dean shifts in his seat, muttering under his breath as he tries to pull his boots off, "Hell no. Hey, hold on a sec." He briefly sets the phone aside, finally managing to untie the laces on his boots and heads down the hallway to the bedroom. His voice filters back down the hall as he speaks to his brother, "Uh…because I haven't."

Castiel takes a long pull off his beer and looks to make sure Dean is out of earshot before quietly informing his best friend, "He was talking about you." Balthazar frowns at him and Cas points to his ear and mouths 'listen' then calls down the hall, "Dean?"

Dean appears in the doorway to the bedroom, "Yeah?"

"Is it okay if Baz spends the night? He's had too much to drink…right Baz?" From his position against the bar, Balthazar gives him a death glare that only he can see. Castiel shakes a finger at his friend and tells him, "I don't want you to drive, Balthazar. I'd hate for something to happen to you…"

Dean smiles, "Of course, baby." His boyfriend flushes at something his brother says and mutters, "Shut up."

"_Castiel_…" Balthazar warns, glowering at him when he's shushed with a dismissive hand wave, "…I don't need…" When Dean comes up beside him, he hurriedly assures him, "Really, Dean, I'm fine."

"If he thinks you should stay, you're staying." Castiel grins from behind Dean's back when his boyfriend pats Balthazar on the stomach. "Unless you want a ride home? I can give you a ri-" Sam says something obviously suggestive because Dean's entire face flushes and he disappears into the kitchen.

Cas smirks, mouthing 'told you so' at his best friend. Balthazar scowls, refusing to look at him. "I'm an adult and you can't keep me here, Castiel James. If I want to leave, I will…and you can't stop me." His friend goes to slip his jacket on and is caught by surprise when Dean blocks the door for the second time today. "Dean, honestly, I'm fine." Somewhere along the way, Dean has ended the phone call with his brother and he simply stares at Balthazar, arms crossed over his chest.

"You're not leaving. If you drive home drunk and smear yourself along the freeway, Cas will never forgive me…ever. He'll blame me for the rest of his life…probably break up with me after that hatred festers inside him for a couple of years…" Dean sniffles dramatically, "I won't be able to find someone to take his place. Obviously, I'll never date again." He pouts, "Years will pass before I finally end up dying…alone." He leans forward and drops his head onto the center of Balthazar's chest, pleading rather believably, "Please don't doom me die alone!"

The older man rubs a hand over Dean's back and placates, "Oh, all right! I'll stay. Just please for the love of all that's holy, cease this pitiful playacting."

Dean gasps, mock offended, "Pitiful? You wound me, Sir…you really do. Just for that, you can sleep on the couch without a pillow." Castiel laughs and Dean glares at him, pointing at him in warning, "Careful there, Jamie, or _you'll_ sleep without one." With that, the policeman turns to walk back towards the bedroom, leaving Castiel and Balthazar alone in the living room.


	39. Honesty Is The Best Policy

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

**Chapter Note: **So after much debate with myself, I finally made my choice as to how the story would evolve. It ended with me editing out all the dialogue and scenes that would have lived in the alternative reality, which resulted in getting rid of nearly 90% of the chapter and being left with dialogue I hated, and eventually scrapped as well. FML. I've never had a decision turn around and bite me in the ass this horribly. Once decided, I knew where I wanted the chapter to go, but it fought me...BIG TIME. What you guys read is the idea I had in mind, but with all new dialogue that I'm actually happy with...for the most part. I know there will be those that like it and others that hate it, but this is what felt more _real_ for my characters. My only hope is that people accept it, because I finally came to terms with the turn events.

Enjoy!

**See end of chapter for more notes.**

**Chapter Warning: **

**Please be warned that there are major Castiel/Balthazar, Dean/Balthazar and Dean/Castiel/Balthazar interactions in this. While there is no actual sex, it has been pointed out to me that some of the material might squick readers. The brief interactions are the last instance/mention of this dynamic for the remainder of the fic.**

* * *

**Chapter 38 - Honesty Is The Best Policy**

A few minutes later, Dean reemerges from the bedroom and deposits a neat little stack of items onto the couch; there's a pair of sleep pants, a t-shirt and a pair of socks. Balthazar watches as the green-eyed policeman pulls two blankets and (even though he was promised a night without one) a pillow from the storage ottoman next to Castiel's end of the sectional. "The shower is in the master bedroom…if you want to-"

"I'm fine, Dean. Thank you."

Dean shrugs, "Okay. Just thought I'd ask." The young man looks between them, looking a little indecisive, "All right, well I guess I'll leave you two alone. Give you guys a chance to talk and whatever." Dean rubs his hands down the front of his jeans and turns to head to the bedroom.

Balthazar shakes his head with a smile, fingertips toying with the edge of the small pile of clothes. He looks up when Castiel speaks, "Do you realize how much trust he's putting in you right now?"

"I…" Balthazar frowns, "What do you mean?"

"He could have left that in the bathroom and told you where it was, but instead he brought it out here. There's no way for him to know that you won't strip naked in front of me. Not for sure, anyway." Castiel finishes his beer and stands up, wandering over to the sound system. He scrolls through the songs and finally selects one, moving back to settle on the cushion next to him.

The music is a little too quiet for him to hear at first, but once Castiel raises the volume a bit, he can make it out. Balthazar smiles, "I love this song."

Castiel nods, "I know."

He smiles and sings along, softly under his breath, eyes drifting shut. Balthazar feels when Castiel sits down next to him and he takes a deep breath, turning to face his best friend before asking quietly, "You know I love you, right?"

"I know, Baz." Castiel reaches to run a hand through his hair and Balthazar lets his eyes drift shut once more, allowing himself to just enjoy the gentle touch. "Did you mean what you said earlier? About not being able to cross that line without being hurt?"

He opens his eyes and smiles sadly, "I honestly don't know. If you had asked me a few months ago…I'd have taken you up on the offer, without a moment's hesitation. Now…" Balthazar shrugs, "I've seen how happy you are; how happy _he_ makes you. And the way he looks at you, Cassie…it's beautiful. I'll be completely blunt. Your boy is…he's unbelievably sexy and very attractive. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious."

Castiel assures him, "I'd never ask you to do anything you didn't want to, Baz. Our continued friendship is more important than some sweaty romp between the sheets." Balthazar chuckles. "I've known you too long to risk fucking this up in exchange for a few orgasms. You know that, right?"

"Of course I do, Cassie." His left cheek is resting along the back cushions of the couch and he admits, "Can I be perfectly honest?" Castiel nods and turns to face him, their foreheads brushing together lightly. "I've never really gotten over you. It took me years to understand that all you wanted from me was _me_…nothing more, nothing less. I was too preoccupied with sex to notice that I was pushing you away. Years after the fact, I finally realized…the polyamorous lifestyle…it's not who you are. You only participated because that's what _I_ wanted. As time went by…" Balthazar pauses to take a shaky breath. "I fell more and more in love with you as time passed, but by the time I could tell you that all I wanted was _you_, you'd already put me in the friend box." Castiel wraps him in a hug and Balthazar whispers, "I love you so much it hurts, Cassie. I know you don't love me like that anymore and I accept it. I understand; believe me I do." He lifts his gaze to meet Castiel's and admits, "I could have gone to my grave without telling you…but you need to know that when I say the parts of our relationship are separate in my mind, it's for a reason. Do I miss being with you? Oh Gods, yes. We were…"

Castiel whispers with a smile, "Amazing."

Balthazar smiles back and agrees. He reaches up to cup his friend's cheek and asks, "Do you understand now why I'm worried about being hurt?" Castiel nods. "A part of me would gladly jump at the chance to be with you both, but…" Balthazar pauses at the little eyebrow wiggle Castiel gives him, "Not that part, you little-" Castiel gives him a disbelieving frown and Balthazar laughs, kissing him on the forehead and admitting, "Okay, yes, that part as well. In all seriousness, though, I don't think I could have that again…after all this time and then…" He rubs a thumb over Castiel's lips, pressing his own together before finishing the thought, "…and then go back to acting like nothing happened. It would honestly break me." Balthazar tries to fight the tears, but they well up in his eyes without his consent. His voice is choked with them as he confesses, "I don't think I'd survive it."

Castiel wipes away his tears with the tips of his fingers, "I didn't know you still felt that way. Why didn't you say anything?"

"Your happiness is more important and with Dean, you're happy. I see how you are with each other…and I want that. God, I do. I want someone to come home to, someone who looks forward to coming home to me; I want someone to look at me how Dean looks at you, the way you used to look at me…before I broke your heart."

"Oh, Baz," Castiel hugs him, "don't be so hard on yourself. You'll find that. I know you will. You're an amazing person and there's someone out there for you. Trust me. Love finds you when you least expect it."

He allows Castiel to hold him, face pressed into the base of his neck. Balthazar shuts his eyes, simply basking in the warmth of the embrace, "Do you know what I miss more than sex?"

Castiel rubs a hand over his back, "What's that?"

"Kissing." He sighs and rubs a hand over Castiel's thigh, "The one thing he forbids."

"Who did what now?"

At the sound of Dean's voice, Balthazar guiltily pulls away from Castiel, sitting up and reaching up to wipe at his eyes, "Nothing. Cassie and I were just reminiscing." He looks up and the policeman is standing a few feet away, right arm across his body, fingers scratching at his left shoulder. His eyes are sleepy and as Balthazar watches, the younger man yawns.

Dean moves to sit on the other side of Castiel, chin hooking over the slender man's shoulder, "About wh-" a yawn splits his question, "-what?" He reaches up to rub at his eyes and Balthazar chuckles. Dean squints at him, "What?"

"Nothing. You just look like a sleepy kitten." Castiel reaches up to lightly scratch at his boyfriend's nape and Dean smiles dreamily, eyes drifting shut at the touch. "You two are adorable together. As I've said many times before, it's rather sickening."

Castiel snickers and pats a hand on Dean's thigh, "All right, Mister Winchester. Bedtime for you, I think." Dean's eyes snap open and he sits forward, blinking to clear his vision. Castiel stands and leans to kiss his temple before straightening once more, "G'night, Baz."

Balthazar's a little surprised when Dean says sleepily, "Ni' ni', Baz."

"Good night. Sleep well, you two."

Balthazar watches both men walk to their bedroom and once the door is closed, changes out of his clothes and the ones Dean brought out for him. He stretches out on the couch, blankets pulled up to his chest, both hands interlacing over his stomach. The Christmas tree has long since been turned off, but Balthazar is staring at it, half-asleep, when his cellphone chirps to announce a text. He brings up the message and frowns. It's from a blocked number, just two words: Merry Christmas. Balthazar stares at the message and assumes it's from a wrong number. He is about to set the phone down, until a string of messages arrive in quick succession.

_**Message from: Unknown Received: 11:37 pm**_

_**I know it's late. Sorry I didn't text or call sooner, but it's still Christmas there, right?**_

_**Message from: Unknown Received: 11:38 pm**_

_**I'm a klutz. Dropped phone while I was packing & the screen broke. Of course, being Christmas, I couldn't swap it before my flight.**_

_**Message from: Unknown Received: 11:39 pm**_

_**Bought one while I was waiting for my rental car. Talk about price gouging!**_

_**Message from: Unknown Received: 11:39 pm**_

_**Guess you're not going to respond. Don't worry, I understand. Promise I'm not usually this clingy/needy/pathetic.**_

_**Message from: Unknown Received: 11:40 pm**_

_**Okay, well maybe this was stupid, but I just needed to talk you, Bal. You sounded so sad when we last spoke.**_

Balthazar stops scrolling through the messages and pulls up his contact list, dialing Joseph's number. The line doesn't even finish the first ring before the call is answered, _"Bal?"_

"Yes, Joseph, it's me."

The younger man's voice is nearly giddy in its whispered, _"Merry Christmas, B." _Balthazar hears him take a breath before adding, _"Sorry I didn't call sooner. I'm lost without my phone. All my contacts are on there so I didn't have your number. All I could think of all day long was how you'd think I didn't call you on purpose…or that I'd forgotten…or that I was doing something more important. I'm so sorry I was a bitchy queen during our last phone call, but I couldn't…"_

"Joseph…" The other man continues to speak in a hurried rush on the other end of the line and Balthazar repeats, a bit more forcefully, "Joseph!"

"…_I wanted to-" _Finally, there's silence on the other end of the call. _"Yes, Bal?"_

"Merry Christmas, Matthew Joseph."

Joseph gives a shuddering breath and sighs happily, _"I've missed your voice, B." _Balthazar smiles and is about to respond when Joseph says, _"I was such a bitch to you. You should cut me off and never speak to me again. I know this, but…" _A nervous little laugh interrupts his sentence and then a harsh exhale,_ "Lord, I've had too much caffeine. Three espressos and an energy drink were a bit much, I think. Never mind the jet lag, when this high abates, I'm crashing for days." _

Balthazar chuckles, "I'm sorry you had to spend your Christmas travelling. How long was your flight that it's going to give you jetlag?" He adds with a grin the younger man can't see, "Or is your destination classified?"

Joseph 'hmms' softly then laughs, _"No, not classified. I'm in DC for a charity benefit."_

Balthazar feels his stomach drop, "You're in the states?" There's a faint 'mm hmm' on the other end of the line and Balthazar struggles for nonchalance with his next question, "For how long?"

"_Don't know actually. There are a few meetings I need to attend with my boss but the dinner isn't until Friday night. I'm not even sure why I have to go; it's going to be a room full of stuffed shirts discussing policies I don't agree with and I have to smile and act interested. Even have to wear a tux and everything. Quite sure it's going to be dreadfully boring." _

There's the sound of honking and faint muttering in Spanish. Balthazar chuckles, "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"

Joseph snorts, _"She hasn't spoken to me in almost six years…so, no, but I'd be more than happy to kiss __**you**__ with it."_ Balthazar swallows, the sound of the other man's voice doing delightful things to his libido. Joseph's voice drops an octave and he practically growls out, _"Fly to DC, Bal…I promise to make it worth your while. I'm so close…we're practically in the same time zone. Please? I'll suck and fuck you so good that you'll see stars."_

There's naked desperation in the other man's voice and Balthazar squeezes his eyes shut to keep from agreeing to a trip he can't make, "I can't. I wish I could, but with Castiel out for the next few weeks…Joseph, I'm sorry, but I can't."

He's silent for so long that Balthazar thinks that maybe he hung up, until the sound of a car door opening breaks the silence. His voice is a sad whisper, _"I understand." _A car trunk opens then shuts, followed by a faint clicking sound, _"I'm not usually so…" _Joseph pauses and there's a deep inhale immediately preceding a long exhale.

"Are you smoking?" The other man makes a non-committal noise and Balthazar chides, "I thought you quit, Marine?"

A small rueful laugh accompanies his admission, _"So did I."_

"Darling, why? You were doing so well…last I heard." Balthazar could swear he hears a tiny sob, "Joseph?"

There's the sound of the car door being shut and then, _"Please say it again…"_

The words are so shaky and needy that Balthazar's heart breaks a little, "What, Baby?" Joseph whispers a quiet, almost inaudible, utterance of his name and Balthazar whispers back, "Darling." This time the sob is unmistakable, "Is that what you wanted to hear, Joseph?" He smiles at the shaky 'yes' and repeats, "Darling." The Marine's brief chuckle is so sad that Balthazar hates being so far away.

"_You know something…? I uh…" _There's a frustrated sound on the other end and then a sudden rush of words. "_You make me such a sap, B. For almost ten years, I've hated the holidays. The commercialism and the need to spend time with people that you hate all year, but it's Christmas so you put up with them. It's why I've volunteered to work them for so long. I would have been fine this holiday season…then I met you." _Balthazar sucks in a breath, but before he can respond, _"I keep thinking about what I told you during our last conversation. You remember?" _

"I do."

"_I didn't mean it. You didn't, did you?" _Balthazar rubs at his eyes and shakes his head, knowing the gesture will go unseen. _"Please tell me that you didn't go out and find some bubble-headed little twink, who doesn't give two shits about you, to fuck."_

"I didn't."

Joseph whispers, _"Can you hold on a second?" _

"Sure."

"_I won't be long." _Balthazar listens to the conversation on the other end, amused at the authoritative, official voice the younger man slips into while speaking to the gentleman who Balthazar can't quite hear, _"Matthew Joseph Cohen…Yes, Sir…Certainly, here you go…Yes, Sir…Linguistics." _Joseph laughs, _"Once a Marine, always a Marine, Sir…Semper Fi…Merry Christmas to you, too…thank you." _Balthazar hears rustling and finally, _"Sorry about that. I'm back."_

He teases, "You finally get through security?"

"_Yes, finally. Now I can head up to my room and spend all night talking to this hot guy I met." _Balthazar arches a brow at that. _"He's quite charming, you know. Gorgeous eyes, spectacular sense of humor, smoking hot…did I mention he's a doctor?" _Whatever Joseph was about to say next is interrupted by someone asking, _"Mr. Cohen? You're in the Blue Suite, Sir. Right this way. Patrick will fetch your luggage. I will warn you, there's a small problem with recep-"_

Balthazar looks down at his phone and sighs. The screen is flashing with the message _'Call Dropped.' _He hits redial and nothing; the call won't go through. Balthazar rolls onto his side and stares at the small screen sadly. He loses track of time and finally falls asleep cradling the device against his chest.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Balthazar wakes to the smell of coffee and hushed conversation. He blinks slowly and rolls onto his side, tugging the two blankets up to his chin in an attempt to drift back to sleep. Castiel's couch is surprisingly comfortable and he's halfway asleep when he feel M-ily burrowing under the blankets at his feet. The kitten creeps up along his legs slowly and eventually peeks her gray head out of the top of the blanket to meow in his face. It's a loud, drawn out sound; demanding attention that Balthazar instantly gives in the form of scratching between her ears.

Dean rushes over to retrieve her, admonishing softly, "Em, shhh! Let your Uncle Balthazar sleep, Baby-girl." The younger man stops when he realizes that his guest is awake, "Oh hey, you're awake." Balthazar nods sleepily. "Sorry she woke you."

Balthazar smiles, shakes his head and assures his host, "She didn't." His fingers brush over the kitten's spine, smirking when she arches her butt up into the caress. He's not sure why, but his curiosity gets the better of him and he cautiously asks, "Uncle Balthazar?"

Dean chuckles, obviously embarrassed and shrugs, "Yeah, well…"

Castiel appears over the back of the couch. His ex has a huge grin on his face and Balthazar scowls, puling the blankets up over his head. Castiel pats his side, "Come on, Baz! I'm making breakfast. You can help!" He makes a disgusted huff at the teasing of Castiel's voice, "Get up, Grizzly Bear."

Balthazar smiles under the covers when Dean scolds gently, "Babe, let him sleep. Maybe he's still tired. I'll help you make breakfast after I get back from picking up Bobby, okay?" He doesn't hear Castiel's soft response, but does hear Dean's offer of, "If you're still sleepy, you can sleep in our bed. You know, if you want to."

He pulls the blankets down and promises softly, "I'm fine, Dean."

Dean makes a face, "Oh, I don't know..." He clucks his tongue on the back of his teeth and tempts, "The bed's far more comfortable and it's got clean sheets and everything." Balthazar laughs and shakes his head again. "All right, your loss. I left towels on the bed for when you take a shower. If you want to borrow something to wear, just let Cas know and he'll get you something to wear."

Balthazar yawns and rubs at his eyes with the heels of both hands, "Are you insinuating that I need a shower, Dean?" The younger man's eyes widen and he looks entirely too uncomfortable. Balthazar has pity on him, "I was joking, Dean. A hot shower sounds quite tempting right now."

"Yeah, well…good luck with that." Dean turns towards the kitchen and raises his voice so he can be heard over the sound of pots and pans in the other room, "Someone used all the hot water this morning."

Castiel pokes his head over the bar and scowls, eyes narrowed, "Shut up! I did not!"

He placates gently, "Oh, okay, honey…you didn't." Dean turns towards him and whispers quietly, "He totally did." Balthazar smirks and carefully stretches his arms up over his head, a small groan escaping him at the twinge in his side. He pushes the blankets off and sits up, fingers scratching through his hair as he yawns again. Dean's voice makes him look up. The younger man is looking everywhere but at him, "So yeah, okay…ummm towels are in the bedroom and yeah…I'm…"

"Relax, Dean."

"Huh?"

Balthazar stands up and realizes just how close the other man is standing; a single step and their chests are touching. "I said to relax, but I'm not making it easy am I?" Dean meets his eyes briefly and shakes his head. "I make you nervous?" The younger man takes a shaky breath and nods. "Why?" The only answer Balthazar gets in a small shrug. He reaches up to cup Dean's cheek in his palm and those green eyes drift shut. The tip of Dean's tongue darts out over his lips in a fleeting little lick and Balthazar drags his thumb over the wetness left behind by the gesture. "Give me one good reason not to kiss you right now, Dean." The policeman's lips press together, jawline tightening under his hand, "Just one, Dean."

"I…I…" Dean licks his lips again and Balthazar knows just how unfair it is to lower his head and exhale over the other man's mouth. "I-I-I don't th-think Castiel w-would like it if w-we…"

Balthazar's lips quirk in a smile and he whispers, lips brushing over Dean's as he speaks, "Are you so sure?" Dean makes a small unsure noise, emerald gaze more than a little bewildered at his words, "Just one kiss…hmm?" Teeth drag over Dean's bottom lip and Balthazar coaxes, "Open that lovely mouth for me, pretty boy." The younger man complies and just as he's about to take those gorgeous full lips in a kiss, a squirt of cold water hits him…once, twice and then a third time. Balthazar turns to find Castiel standing on the other side of the couch with a small spray bottle in his hand. As he watches, his former lover sprays him a fourth time. Right in the face.

Dean rushes over to Castiel and says in a rush, "Baby, I'm sorry! I-"

Castiel lifts a single finger up and the other man quiets instantly, throat moving in a painful sounding swallow. He ducks his head, eyes darting towards him furtively and Balthazar smirks, earning him a fifth spray from the bottle. "You had your chance, Baz. Don't test my patience by attempting to seduce him." Balthazar opens his mouth to speak and gets squirted yet again. "I'm not finished." He shuts his mouth and motions for Castiel to continue. "I've been your friend for a very long time. I trust you. Implicitly. But if you're that interested in finding out just how…_amazing_…my boyfriend tastes, you do it _with_ me. You told me that you're not sure if you can handle being in my bed again, correct?" Balthazar swallows and nods. "Well, to be completely honest…I don't think I can handle you kissing my boyfriend unless I'm involved. We're a package deal. Until you can handle _both_ of us…you get neither. Understood?"

Balthazar nods and whispers, "Yes."

His friend steps closer and cocks his head, "What was that?"

Balthazar looks up at the tone in his best friend's voice and says in a louder voice, "Yes, Castiel, I understand."

Castiel smiles and lowers the spray bottle, "Okay then. Go take a shower and then come help with breakfast." Balthazar watches him turn to Dean. The policeman is still staring at the wood floor as if it holds the secrets of the universe. Castiel lifts the man's chin up and tells him calmly, "Go…Bobby's waiting. Don't forget to pick up the steaks on the way back." Dean nods, giving Castiel an uneasy little smile. He's so focused on donning his new jacket and gloves, that he doesn't notice they're watching him. Castiel waits until the his boyfriend has pulled the front door open before speaking, "Oh…and Dean?"

Balthazar notices the slight tensing of the young man's shoulders, but says nothing. Dean pauses in the doorway and looks over his shoulder, voice cautious, "Yes?"

Castiel smiles, "I love you."

And just like that, the tension eases in the other man. He smiles and when he does, it lights up his whole face, the look of someone who is utterly, and unabashedly, in love. Dean winks at Castiel and responds, "Love you more."

* * *

**Additional Chapter Notes:**

Here's (link on one of my other sites) the picture I used as inspiration for 'Sleepy Dean' even though he doesn't look sleepy in that pic AT ALL. *laughs*

The song Castiel plays, that Balthazar says he loves, is Sleep by The Dandy Warhols.

The two pics I used for inspiration for Dean's new jacket can be seen here and here (links on one of my other sites). I realize that the jacket in both pictures is not the same, but you get the idea.


	40. New Year, New Doubts and Worries

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

**Chapter Note: **

The beginning of the chapter has a bit of American Sign Language in it and I've linked (can be seen in on one of my other sites) my rather dorky descriptions of each sign to small video clips demonstrating the actual ASL.

In case you guys don't remember who Rachel is...a picture of her can be see on one of my other sites. She was blonde in the show (and in prior mentions of her in this fic), but I happen to like this pic and it's the reason I made her a redhead in this chapter. Also, that pic looks like she's nice and relaxed, just sitting at home and I imagined that's how she looked while she and Castiel spoke. *smiles*

* * *

**Chapter 40 - New Year, New Doubts and Worries **

Dean rolls over and is a little surprised to see his boyfriend awake. It's a few days into the New Year and Castiel is now _officially_ a tenant of apartment 3C. The other man is prone, facing the foot of the bed, lying on top of the covers and completely engrossed in whatever he's doing. Cas fiddles with the headphones in his ears and carefully shifts to sit up, hands moving in a rapid sequence of gestures. The bed shakes gently with his silent laughter and Dean realizes that the laptop's chat program is open. Dean shifts to get a better look and at the movement Castiel's body twists towards him. The younger man quickly shuts his eyes, feigning sleep; he even goes as far as snuffling a little in his 'slumber'. He catches Cas' faint _'don't make me laugh'_ and cautiously opens his eyes. A pretty redhead wrinkles her nose cutely as she speaks to Castiel, crooking a finger at him in a teasing manner.

Cas snorts, his right hand lifting to make a bird beak gesture with his thumb and first two fingers. The woman pouts and salutes Castiel then juts her right thumb towards the screen. Dean watches his boyfriend touch his forehead and make a thumbs-up motion before pressing his right hand to his chest, quickly following it with bird-beaking his forehead, hooking his index fingers in opposing directions twice and then closing both hands in front of his face. Dean doesn't realize he's spoken until Cas slaps the laptop shut, "You never told me you knew sign language."

Castiel turns to face him and flops on the mattress next to him, "You never asked."

Dean smirks, "True." He yawns and pulls the other man closer, "So…what were you talking about?" Cas makes a face and pinches his own nose shut. Dean laughs and pulls the blanket up to cover his mouth, "Sorry…please forgive my Death Breath." His boyfriend wiggles closer still, kissing the tip of his nose with a grin. "You're not gonna tell me are you?"

"Mmmm, I might. Depends though."

The look on Castiel's face surprises a chuckle out of him, "On what, pray tell?"

Cas arches a brow at his wording and teases, "You been reading again, Mr. Winchester?"

The small chuckle melts into another and he teases back, "Always, Dr. Novak." Dean bats his eyelashes and looks away mock bashfully, "I love getting lost in books and well…the one I'm reading…has this amazing protagonist with the most beautiful soul and he's been wronged horribly and yet he still has the ability to make this dorky guy feel like…well, like the most important thing in the world." Castiel's eyebrows press together in confusion and he opens his mouth to ask a question, but Dean interrupts, "Oh wait…I didn't get _lost_ in the book…I'm **_IN_** the book."

The sound his boyfriend makes is half laugh, half sob and suddenly the blanket is being pulled away and hands are cupping his face. Dean protests slightly, citing his morning breath, but Cas mutters, "Shut up, dork," and kisses him.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

Later that day, while Dean is at work, Castiel picks up the book he's currently reading and the eighth love stone drops to the floor from between the pages. He smiles at the etched words: _'...for always getting my jokes' _and Dean knows he found it because his amazing boyfriend sends him a text that reads: _'you ARE my world'. _The policeman can't keep the smile off his face for the remainder of his shift.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

The next two and a half weeks pass in a blur. After a fellow SWAT officer gets hurt during a rappelling exercise, Dean picks up a number of extra shifts to cover the vacant spot on Bravo team. He loves the overtime, but most nights, he's too tired to do much more than strip and go to sleep, sometimes not even eating dinner first. Castiel waits up for him every night and Dean feels bad that he barely has enough energy to kiss him before shuffling off to bed. The night Cas doesn't wait up, Dean doesn't even notice; he just curls up against his back and falls asleep.

When Dean wakes up the next morning, Castiel is already gone. He takes a shower and gets ready for work. He thinks nothing of it to see Cas' cell phone on the nightstand, simply figures his boyfriend went for an early morning run. Dean wanders into the kitchen and is a little surprised to see the message on the dry erase board secured to the fridge. One word: OUT. Castiel usually leaves a little more detail in his messages, but Dean shrugs, walking over to erase it and leave one of his own. A hastily scribbled _' work til 2a, love you, D'_ on the small board and he's gone.

The first shift goes by quickly and after the roll call of his second shift, the lieutenant summons him to the front of the room, "Winchester, my office, please." His teammates make horrified faces, pointing at him and giggling like schoolgirls, as they slip out of the briefing room and Dean rolls his eyes. He chuckles when one of them crosses himself and then repeats the motion in the air towards him. Dean follows Harris into his office, tensing a little when his commanding officer speaks, "Shut the door and have a seat." He does as instructed and looks around. "Relax, Dean, you're not in trouble."

Dean laughs, "That noticeable, Sir?"

Harris nods, "Yes. I called you in here for two reasons. One: you're maxed out on overtime for this pay period and I'm sending you home. Captain's orders."

Dean nods, "And two, Sir?"

"Two: I wanted to give you this." Harris reaches across his desk to hand him a small sheaf of papers.

Dean takes them, slowly flipping through the first few pages, eyes lifting when he gets to the form at the end, "This is an application for the Sergeant's Exam." He realizes how stupid that sounds, because _obviously_ Harris knows what he's handed him, but the words are out of his mouth before he can rein them in.

The Lieutenant nods, fingers steepled under his chin, "It is." There's a small grin on his lips, "What? You're not interested?"

"I…well…" Dean clears his throat, "I _am,_ actually. Thing is though…" He flips back to the page listing the minimum requirements and clears his throat again, "It says I need at least a Bachelor's degree."

Harris sits forward with a frown, "I thought you had a one."

Dean shakes his head, leaning forward to hand the application packet back, "No, Sir, just my Associate's, but um…thanks for uh, thinking of me."

His Lieutenant holds a hand up, "Keep it. Consider it…incentive."

A little huff of sound escapes him and he asks, "Incentive, Sir?"

Harris stands up and goes to one of the vertical file cabinets in his office, pulling open a drawer as he speaks, "Yeah…you know, incentive. You do know what the word means, right?"

Dean laughs, a surprised sound, his shoulders shaking slightly; he can't get over the smirk on his team lead's lips. "Yes, I know what the word means. I've been told I have a rather surprising vocab for a Neanderthal." Harris' brows lift and Dean explains, "It's something my boyfriend jokingly calls me when he finds out something about me that is outside of his rather narrow-minded view of policeman norms."

His superior officer snickers and pulls a few papers out of one of the files in the cabinet. He shuts the drawer and hands the stapled pages to him, "Take that with you as well. It'll come in handy if you get…motivated." Dean looks down at the papers and grins when he sees it's a tuition reimbursement form. Harris moves to the door and pulls it open, waving him out, "Now go on, get outta here…enjoy the rest of your week off."

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~ **

Dean unlocks the front door and calls out with a grin, "Honey, I'm home! Guess what happened at work?" He's greeted by silence. His smile falters a bit and he calls out again, "Babe?" It takes him a moment to realize the apartment is dark except for one lamp in the living room. Dean drops his tac bag by the desk and moves into the apartment, "Cas?" The dry erase board on the refrigerator has been erased, but there's no new message, leaving Dean to assume that his boyfriend is home.

He shrugs out of his jacket as he walks down the hall to the bedroom. It's only eight o'clock, so he doubts Castiel is sleeping, but Dean opens the bedroom door cautiously just in case. All he finds an empty room and a sleepy kitten in the center of the bed. He drapes his jacket over the footboard and pulls his cell phone out of the pocket of his jeans. The line rings once, before the theme song from the TV show _S.W.A.T._ fills the room. A quick look around and there's Cas' phone, small screen lit up, on the nightstand. Dean doesn't know why, but his stomach fills with dread; he hangs up and scrolls through his contacts. His thumb is pressing Balthazar's name before he even realizes what he's done. The call rings four times and then gets shuttled to voicemail. The policeman stares down at the phone in disbelief and swallows hard.

Perhaps it's a stupid, irrational fear, but Dean's never ignored his intuition and something feels _wrong_…he's not sure why, but it does. He's out of the apartment and halfway to the Impala when it dawns on him that he has no idea where he's going. If something happened to Castiel, it's not like Dean will just randomly find him while driving around. He stops and looks around, one hand coming up to rake through his hair. One hip is propped against the hood of the car and Dean has almost convinced himself that he's being stupid because Cas is probably at the grocery store or something…except his eyes fall on his other assigned parking spot; his second _occupied_ parking spot, because his boyfriend's car is sitting in the space, looking innocuous.

Dean wipes a hand over his face and turns back towards the apartment building. He's jacketless and it's cold, the wind making the temperature seem about ten degrees lower than it actually is. M-ily is sitting about five feet from the front door and she meows at him rather loudly when Dean returns to the apartment. Dean scoops her up and cradles her against his chest, "Hey, Baby-girl…" He drops a kiss between her ears and whispers, "Where'd Daddy go, huh?" The kitten mews softly as if apologizing to him for not having an answer and Dean carries her with him to the living room, settling her on his lap once he sits.

It's nearly ten o'clock when Castiel's key scrapes into the lock. Dean is awake and at the front door before it's fully unlocked. Cas' laugh drifts in from the corridor, followed by the sound of him telling their neighbor, "Have a nice night, Chuck. Next time I have something heavy to carry, you can help _me_!" Dean doesn't hear what Chuck says, but Castiel giggles, his laughter ending abruptly when Dean pulls the door open. His partner's eyes widen when he pulls him into the apartment, hands passing over him, making sure he's all right. "Uh…hi, Dean."

"You're ok!"

Dean pulls the doctor into his arms and hugs him. Cas huffs, "Of course I'm all right." He can't help it; Dean clutches at Castiel's cheeks and presses a series of kisses all over his face. Cas backs up a step then another, gently withdrawing out of Dean's embrace. "I thought you were working until two? What happened?" He turns to lock the front door before heading towards the bedroom. The question is so blatantly indifferent that Dean is left to stare after his boyfriend. It takes him a few seconds to trail after him.

Castiel arches a brow at him when he cups his face to kiss his forehead once more, "What is wrong with you, Dean?" He's stripping out of his clothing and Dean's hands drop to Cas' belt to help. When the other man's hands take over, Dean grins and dips his head to kiss him. He doesn't expect for his boyfriend to turn his face away and mutter, "I'm gonna take a shower. You must be tired, huh?" Castiel pats him on the shoulder and turns away.

Dean blinks stupidly and watches the blue-eyed man retreat into the master bath. He hears the sound of the shower and calls out, "I was worried something had happened…came home early and you weren't here…" Dean purposefully lilts his voice at the end of the sentence in query. Cas 'hmms' softly but doesn't say anything so Dean asks, "Where were you?"

"Out."

A small laugh bubbles up and he teases, "I kinda figured that, Baby…seeing as you weren't here when I got home. I mean…out where?" Dean picks up Castiel's shirt from the floor and goes to drop it in the hamper, but stops at the last minute to bring it up to his nose instead. The material smells like stale cigarette smoke and vaguely of something else that Dean can't put his finger on. Cas doesn't answer so he peeks into the bathroom and says casually, "There wasn't a message on the board so I wasn't sure where you were."

"I didn't leave one because you said you'd be at work until two…"

He watches his boyfriend move under the spray of the shower and patiently waits until Castiel has stepped back to ask, "Well yeah…but still…we promised to leave each other messages if we were going to be out and-"

Cas cuts off the rest of his sentence, "Seriously, Dean, why the third degree? I didn't leave you a message on the stupid board because I knew for a fact I'd be back before you even got home!" The shower shuts off and Castiel reaches out to rip a towel off the rack, stepping out of the shower and past him in a huff, "If I knew you'd be home early, I wouldn't have gone out…I'd have stayed at home and waited up for you like a good little wife."

Dean shoves his hands into his jeans and sighs, "Baby, it's not…that's not the point. You can go out, I don't mind…"

Cas pulls on a pair of pajama bottoms, fingers tying the waistband angrily and rounds on him, eyes narrowed dangerously, "Oh, I can go out? Really? Thank you _very_ much for your _permission_, Dean. I didn't realize I needed it."

Dean's eyes widen at the tone in his boyfriend's voice and he backtracks, "No! I didn't mean it like that! It's just…" He leans in the doorway to the bathroom, unsure of just when he managed to lose track of the conversation.

"Just what, Dean?" The policeman licks his lips and shrugs. "Brilliant, just fucking brilliant." Castiel tosses his hands up in frustration and rails at him, "You've rarely been home these last few weeks and I've sat around and waited up for you…barely getting an acknowledgement when you _are_ home. I've cooked dinner for you…dinner you don't even eat and I make your lunches and…and…and the one night I'm not waiting around for you to get home, I get a lecture? Well excuse me!" Those gorgeous blue eyes are blazing and Dean reaches out to take his hand, pushing off the doorjamb to wrap his other hand on the back of his boyfriend's neck. He brushes his lips over Cas' and is stunned when the doctor pulls away with a snarl, "That's what this is about? You were worried because you came home horny and I wasn't here to satiate you?"

"Baby, no! I was worried something had happened to you. The lights were off, the board was blank, your phone was here and when I went out, your car was in its spot…what was I supposed to think?" He comes up behind the other man and rests his hands on Castiel's hips, thumbs rubbing concentric circles on his back, "I was worried…I thought…" Dean sighs on the damp skin of his boyfriend's nape, "I don't know what I thought," he presses a kiss to the skin, tongue catching the droplet of water that slips from the ends of Cas' hair. Dean whispers softly, "I'm sorry I came across like a prick, Baby." He eases his hands forward and up, pulling that yoga-slim body back against his chest, "Forgive me?"

He can almost hear the other man roll his eyes, "Ugh…trying to buy forgiveness with sex?"

Dean steps back, arms out to his sides, voice hoarse as he explains, "I wasn't." His stomach is churning at the accusation and he moves around to his side of the bed and sits down, pulling at the laces of his boots. He can feel Castiel watching him, but studiously ignores him, focusing all his attention on his task. His boots make a dull thud as they hit the floor; Dean picks them up and crosses the room to set them by the closet. He braces his left hand on the wall and pulls off first one sock then the other, dropping them in the hamper before unbuttoning his jeans and adding them to the dirty laundry. "I um…" Dean clears his throat and walks to the bed to retrieve his pillow, "I'll be out there." He jerks a thumb towards the bedroom door, "If you want to talk." Without waiting for a response, he makes his way to the living room. It's nearly three in the morning before he finally drifts off to sleep, curled up under a few blankets and hugging a pillow that smells faintly of his boyfriend's shampoo.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

When Dean wakes up the next day, he lingers in his cocoon of warmth for nearly an hour and basks in the knowledge that he doesn't have to work today. In that hour, there is little to no sound in the apartment. The time on the cable box says it's nearly one in the afternoon, so he doubts Cas is still sleeping. His curiosity eventually gets the better of him and he sits up, shrugging the blankets off with a yawn. He stands up, stretching his arms up over his head before padding barefoot into the kitchen, the fingers of his right hand pause in their scratching of his naked belly as he just stares in disbelief. There, on the stainless steel fridge, the dry erase board has a single word written on it: OUT. Dean's shoulders slump and he sing-songs sadly, "Happy Birthday to me."

He wanders through the apartment and sure enough, it's empty. Dean tries calling Castiel, but gets sent to voicemail both times. He types out a quick text and stares at the tiny screen, waiting for a response and nothing. No response to the first and no response to the second. Dean is pretty sure that Cas knows it's his birthday…_doesn't he? _He checks his messages and finds several from friends and family wanting to wish him a happy birthday, but the one person he wants to hear from...nothing.

Twenty minutes later, Dean finds himself back in the kitchen and eating a bowl of cereal with little to no interest. He stares down at the last soggy spoonful, then up, his gaze falling on the dry erase board. Dean swallows that final mouthful, the cereal settling like a brick in his stomach. He puts his empty bowl in the sink and spends the next two hours moping on the couch. Several calls and texts come in, and every time his phone makes a noise, Dean brightens, expecting it to be Castiel. And every time it's not, his mood plummets. Finally, at about four in the afternoon, Dean decides he's not spending the rest of his birthday alone, so he calls Sam to invite him for a drink or two (or three or more). His brother is apologetic; apparently prep work for a case makes him unavailable until after seven. Dean assures him that's fine and they make plans for later in the evening. He checks his phone one last time and then decides, fuck it; he's going for a run.

His four-mile run does nothing for his mood and neither does the scalding hot shower afterwards. Dean swipes his hand over the steam-fogged mirror. He doesn't _think_ he looks older, but Dean spends a considerable amount of time in front of the mirror, hands braced on the bathroom counter, just staring at his reflection. By the time he actually does move into the bedroom to get dressed, most of the water on his skin has dried. It's six twenty and Dean is slipping into his jacket when his cell rings. The screen is flashing _Dr. B. Sebastian_ at him and Dean _almost_ doesn't answer it. "Hello?"

_"Ah, yes…hello, Dean."_ There's muffled arguing on the other end and then Balthazar is back, _"Sorry to bother you, dear boy, but I was wondering if perhaps you misplaced your boyfriend?"_

Dean frowns and answers in a grouchy tone, "I didn't _misplace_ him, Dr. Sebastian. I haven't _seen_ him all day. He was gone when I woke up and I figured he was still pissed at me about last night…" Dean pauses to take a breath, "So after he avoided my phone calls and texts, I stopped trying. Now if you'll excuse me, I have plans with someone who actually wants to spend time with me on my birthday. Goodbye." Dean hangs up and shoves the phone into his jacket pocket. It's ringing again in less than minute. He ignores the call and heads out, only answering the phone when it starts to rings a second time. The Caller ID tells him it's Balthazar again, "What?!"

_"Just thought you should know that Cassie showed up on my doorstep…drunk. And is at this moment purging the contents of his stomach, rather noisily I might add, into the toilet of my guest bathroom. Please feel free to collect him at your leisure, after your **plans** are concluded, of course. I'll keep him company until then."_

The doctor hangs up without another word and Dean is calling him back within seconds, cursing under his breath when he goes to voicemail. He pauses to send his brother a quick text before driving to Balthazar's condo, breaking several traffic laws along the way. Halfway there, his phone whistles, alerting him to the arrival of a new text and Dean picks it up, glancing down to read it.

** _Message from: Dr. B. Sebastian Received: 1843_ **

** _He's fine. Front door is unlocked. Let yourself in. We're in the study._ **

Dean pulls into Balthazar's driveway and jogs up the walkway, knocking once before pushing the front door open. The condo is surprisingly dark, making Dean realize that he has no idea where the light switch is. He takes a few steps into the room and suddenly the entire room is flooded with light; the crowd of people in Balthazar's living room yelling out, _'SURPRISE!'_ at the top of their lungs. Dean stands there, stunned silent, and looks around, blinking the stars out of his vision. Cas rushes forward with a huge grin on his face and curls a hand around the back of his neck. His boyfriend pulls him down and whispers, "Happy Birthday, Cowboy," on his lips, smothering his response with a kiss.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~ **

Castiel nuzzles into his neck, "Were you surprised?"

Dean turns to look at him, "Seriously? You have photographic proof of my stunned face, Cas…you know I was surprised stupid." He smiles and melts into the kiss Castiel bestows upon him. They're sitting in Balthazar's living room, curled up on one of the loveseats and Dean is slightly drunk. "God, Baby…you-"

"SMILE!" Dean looks up and blinks at the flash of light. Jessica grins and leans to kiss him on the temple, "You guys are so cute!" She gives Cas a kiss of his own and wanders away, calling out to Sam to get her another beer.

Dean finishes his own beer and sets the empty bottle on the floor besides the loveseat, "You don't want to know what I thought." Castiel nods and wheedles until Dean finally gives in, whispering, "Okay, okay, okay," in his ear. Cas giggles and kisses him again. "I…well…" He wrinkles his nose and admits, "It's stupid." His boyfriend promises him, in his bedroom voice, a number of dirty things so Dean finally capitulates, "Okay…fine! You win! I had this ugly feeling that you were out you know…"

Castiel gasps, mouthing almost silently, "You thought I was cheating on you?"

"No! Nothing like that!" Dean's face twists and he admits, "Your shirt last night…it smelled like cigarette smoke and you don't smoke." He swallows thickly, ducking his head, for all intents and purposes, addressing his lap, "You looked surprised to see me and well…you wouldn't let me kiss you…and you went straight to the shower…I just, I dunno…"

Cas takes his face in his hands and lifts his chin, "Oh, Sweetheart, I've told you I would never do that."

Dean shrugs, a self-deprecating laugh bubbling up, "Yeah…well…cop with self esteem issues, remember?"

"Oh, Dean…I'm sorry." Castiel kisses him, pulling away to whisper, "That little…_argument_ last night was the hardest part of all this. It's why I didn't come out to the living room. If I had, I would have confessed everything. You looked so heartbroken, Love…those puppy-dog eyes of yours and the little pout…God, Dean, it was horrible. I'm sorry. Forgive me?"

"It's okay. It was an awesome surprise." Dean ducks his gaze briefly and wrinkles his nose, "I was pouting?" Cas nods. "Really?" At Castiel's second nod, Dean blushes, "I must have looked so stupid."

Cas whispers in his ear, "Never. All I could think about was those luscious pouty lips around my dick, giving me one of your toe-curling blowjobs." Dean groans, eyes widening when Castiel continues, "I imagined how hard you'd fuck me during the make-up sex." His boyfriend growls softly and tugs on his earlobe, "…Plowing into me…nailing my prostate with each one of your thrusts...how good your balls would feel slapping against my ass." Dean manages to keep his face expressionless but catches sight of Jess watching him from across the room. The eyebrow lift he can ignore, but when she smirks, Dean loses it. He blushes and hides his face in Cas' neck.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

The party starts to wind down sometime after midnight, people wandering home in search of their beds before work in the morning. By the time the last guest is gone, at nearly three in the morning, Dean is curled up in the loveseat, fast asleep. He doesn't remember waking up and walking to the car, much less the drive home, but he must have, because when he does wake up, his face is pressed to the passenger window of the Impala and Castiel is gently shaking his shoulder. "Wake up, Love, we're home."

Dean yawns and looks around, "Wha' time 's it?"

Cas shuts the engine off and turns to face him, "Quarter to four."

He blinks to clear his vision and rubs his face, "Four in the morning? Really? Wow…Baz really knows how to throw a party." Castiel chuckles and helps him with his seatbelt. Dean looks around and asks sleepily, "How'd I get in the car?"

"Baz carried you." Dean stares at him in disbelief. Cas reaches out and taps the end of his nose with a finger, "Just kidding. He had Sam help him get you into the car. You were very appreciative." Dean's eyes widen further, making his boyfriend rush to explain, "Nothing like that! You were simply gushing and singing their praises, hugging them goodbye, telling Sam how much you loved him and promising Balthazar you'd get him back for helping me surprise you. Now…let's get inside, shall we? It's cold and I'm really tired."

Dean nods and it's not long before they're in bed, Cas up against his back, arms around him. He brings one of his boyfriend's hands up and kisses each finger in turn. "I love you, Castiel James Novak."

Cas chuckles against his back and presses a kiss between his shoulder blades, "And I love you, Dean Winchester."


	41. Well, That's New

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

**Chapter Note: **Yeah...so this chapter has **NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHATSOEVER**. It's basically mindless **SMUT**. You've been warned. If the smex isn't your thing, you can skip this chapter...Don't worry, you won't miss anything important.

So sorry for the delay in posting. With studying and planning a friend's birthday party, I got a bit sidetracked. I have the next two chapters typed up and ready for edits so yeah, there shouldn't be that long a wait for updates.

* * *

**Chapter 41 - Well, That's New**

Castiel struggles to slip his key into the front door of the apartment. The box he's carrying slips off his hip and he barely catches it. A relieved sigh escapes him, seconds before the bottom of the box shifts and he has to set it down to keep its contents safely inside. Cas drops his keys and in the middle of reaching for them, the shoulder strap of his messenger bag slides down his arm, catching on his wrist. "Oh for the love of…" Castiel mutters unintelligibly and picks up the keys, unwittingly stepping on one of the cross-straps for his bag; in the process of swinging it back into place on his shoulder, the bag upends its contents onto the floor. Cas angrily throws his keys in the open box, gritting out between his teeth, "You have _got_ to be kidding me!" He slides down along the wall until he's sitting on the floor. His eyes flick upwards and he blinks to keep the frustrated tears at bay, gently thumping his head on the wood behind him.

And that's where he is some ten minutes later when the elevator dings to signal its arrival to the third floor. Castiel doesn't care if anyone sees him. He just leans forward to rest his forehead on where his arms are draped over his knees, as if that makes him invisible. The sound of heavy footsteps comes closer, stopping a few feet away, "Cas?" Of _course_ it would be his boyfriend that found him like this and of course said boyfriend would immediately be worried, "Baby, you okay?" He hears the heavy thud of Dean's duffle bag hit the floor nearby and the unmistakable creak of the leather holster on his hip as he takes a seat next to him. Gentle fingers run through his hair, "So, uh…what are we doing out in the hallway? Did we get evicted?" Castiel huffs a mirthless laugh and shakes his head. "Hmmm…Did Em trash the apartment? Because I told her that she needed to accept that her days of getting spoiled by her Pops were coming to an end. I explained the whole thing to her, but well, she's a teenager and she's stubborn. Just like her Pops."

Cas peeks up at Dean and scoffs, "She's not a teenager…she's still a kitten. And you're just jealous because she ignores you when I'm home." His boyfriend arches a brow, fingers wiping at the drying tears on Castiel's cheeks as he speaks, "And don't call me 'Pops'…it makes me feel old."

Dean leans to kiss his lips, "I apologize, Dad." Cas sniffs and rubs at his eyes. "So, are you going to tell me why we're sitting out in the hallway?" Castiel shakes his head. "No? Okay. So we're just going to sit out here? Interesting."

"You can go inside." Dean's head is tilted towards him, just watching him as he speaks. "If you want to."

His boyfriend reaches up to smooth his hair back, "Nah. I'll sit out here with you until you're ready to go in. That fine with you?"

A small chuckle escapes him, "Yeah." Castiel shifts to rest his head in the crook of Dean's neck and shuts his eyes. Dean wraps his arms around him and Cas feels fresh tears well up. "I'm such a…"

Dean shushes him with a finger on his lips and smiles, "I'm guessing you had a bad day?" Castiel nods. "I'll hazard a guess, judging by the mess in the hallway, that your bag vomiting all over the place was the last straw?" Cas hitches a breath and whines in response, allowing Dean to hug him tighter, "Oh, Honey, I'm sorry you had a bad day. Anything I can do to make it better?"

Castiel whispers, "You're already doing it."

Dean presses a kiss to his temple and lifts a hand to wave at their neighbor as the man reaches the top of the staircase. Chuck waves back, face bewildered, "Uh…hi. You guys lock yourselves out?" Cas looks up and smiles. "If you need to call the office, you can use my phone." He watches Chuck crouch down and start collecting the contents of his messenger bag, putting the items in a small pile next to the box. "I locked myself out of the apartment once. On a Sunday night and it was winter and I lived like two hundred miles from any family. I spent the night at twenty-four hour diner. I-"

It's rather endearing how the man is babbling, almost nervously, and Castiel looks up when he stops talking. Chuck clears his throat and that's when Cas realizes what has gotten his neighbor's attention. There, under the book he just picked up, is a condom. Dean picks it up and arches a brow at him. Castiel reaches out and plucks it out of his grip, blushing furiously, "What? I didn't put that there." His boyfriend gives him a look of utter disbelief. Cas shoves the prophylactic into the pocket of his scrub top and mutters, "I swear! Baz put that in there a few weeks ago…" When he realizing what he said, he quickly adds, "…as a joke."

Green eyes narrow slightly, "Mmm hmm. A joke." Dean stands up and withdraws his keys from the pocket of his coat. He unlocks the door and grabs his tac bag, disappearing into the apartment, muttering, "Hilarious."

Chuck clears his throat and wipes a hand over his mouth, "I uh…you want some help with this stuff?" He makes hand motions towards Castiel's belongings. Cas picks up the leather messenger bag and starts putting his things back inside. Chuck clears his throat again and leans forward, "Is uh…is your roommate okay? He seemed a little…"

Castiel looks up, "Dean?" He chuckles and stands up slowly, swinging his bag onto his shoulder. Cas turns around and nearly runs into Chuck. His neighbor is holding the box out for him to take. "He's not my-"

Dean steps out into the hallway, casually telling their next-door neighbor that he's not Cas' roommate. The policeman takes the box and disappears back into the apartment. Chuck looks between Castiel and the front door. The tips of his ears are flushed red, "Sorry about that, Cas. I thought he was your roommate." He's is about to correct him, but the man continues to ramble on, the words tumbling over one another and the doctor is honestly at a loss as to how to get a word in without appearing rude.

Castiel turns at the sound of the door opening yet again. "Are you coming inside, _Cas_?" He narrows his gaze. Dean is standing in the doorway, bare-chested, one hand braced on the doorjamb. He hears Chuck swallow hard behind him and rolls his eyes at his boyfriend, because Dean knows exactly the kid of reaction he elicits when shirtless. Dean licks his lips and shrugs, "Guess I'll get started without you." The green-eyed man smirks and takes a step back, carefully shutting the door.

"Oh wow…he's um…yeah, he's…" Chuck is stuttering and stammering, face beet red. "He's your boyfriend?" Cas nods. "Shoulda known. All the cute ones are taken." Castiel is about to make a joke about how Dean hates being called cute when the other man smiles and shyly adds, "He's a lucky guy," before turning around and walking to his door. Cas is still staring after him in shock when Chuck gets his front door open. His neighbor looks over, lifting a hand to wave before disappearing into his apartment.

Castiel steps into apartment 3C, bolting the door shut before calling out to his tease of a boyfriend. Dean's jacket is on one of the dining room chairs, his sweater halfway down the hallway to the kitchen. Cas stops to pick it up, lifting it to his nose and smiling at the faint whiff of cologne on the garment. Next, he finds Dean's boots, and one sock, in quick succession between the kitchen doorway and the end of the hall. There, on the doorknob to the bedroom, is the other sock. Castiel snorts a laugh and opens the door to find Dean leaning against the edge of the bed, both hands braced on the mattress behind him. When Dean sees him, one corner of his mouth curls up and he leans back onto the mattress, hips shifting up a little as he does.

"You're a menace, Dean Winchester."

Dean widens his stance and rocks his hips side to side, "You love it."

One of hands reaches down to pop the top button of his jeans open and Cas snaps his fingers, the sound loud in the quiet of the bedroom. "Stop that." His boyfriend looks up in surprise and Castiel motions with his hand, "Get up on the bed, you brat."

"Bossy." Dean pouts, but he does as he's told, turning on all fours and crawling towards the center of the mattress.

Cas covers the distance between him and the bed in no time at all, one hand fisting in his boyfriend's short hair. He tugs the policeman's head back to hiss in his ear, "You love it." Dean's eyes flutter shut and he whines in his throat at the feel of Castiel's tongue swirling in his ear. "Don't you?" Dean's tongue laves over his bottom lip and doesn't answer. At the sharp tug of Cas' hand, his breathing hitches in a little moan, "I asked you a question, Dean." Castiel reaches around to cup a hand over Dean's crotch, squeezing gently, thumb rubbing up and down along the closed zipper.

"Y-yes!"

Green eyes lock on his and Cas smiles, "You like when I tell you what to do, don't you?" Dean nods slowly, brows pressing together when Castiel rubs the flat of his palm over his denim-covered erection. "Such a pretty little thing…" His boyfriend's mouth drops open at the light slap to his groin. "So fucking beautiful. My gorgeous policeman." Dean moans, bottom lip quivering at his words, "And you are mine aren't you?"

"Y-yes, y-yours."

Cas licks a stripe up the side of Dean's neck and a full-body shiver goes through the other man. He can't help the slightly petulant note in his voice when he says, "I had such a bad day." His boyfriend turns to mouth at his jawline and Castiel tugs his head back so he can nip at the pale line of his neck. "But you always know just what I need, don't you, Beautiful?"

"I t-try."

Cas grins and drags his teeth over the pulse in Dean's neck. "And what do I need right now?"

"You n-need…"

Castiel shifts his hand to carefully guide Dean's zipper lower. His fingertips ease between his legs and rub over the warmth of the denim covering Dean's balls, "I need what?"

Dean's hips are rocking back and forth minutely, trying desperately to gain some friction where he wants it, "C-control."

Cas 'hmms' softly and ghosts his fingertips further back, rubbing over the seam running between his boyfriend's buttocks. "You're so pretty when you're like this." He presses an open-mouthed kiss to the nape of Dean's neck, releasing his hair to rake his nails down his spine, enjoying the way the younger man arches up into his fingers. Castiel presses his chest against Dean's back and whispers, "How many days has it been since we had sex?" Cas knows it's cruel to taunt his gorgeous policeman, but he smiles as he eases the jeans over his boyfriend's hips.

A breathy little moan escapes Dean before he answers, "T-too m-many."

Castiel licks along the knobs of Dean's spine, fingers pushing the denim lower. He leaves the jeans halfway between Dean's ass and his knees, pressing a hand between his shoulder blades. The other man obediently lowers his forehead to the mattress and Cas hooks his fingers in the waistband of the striped boxer briefs, tugging them down slowly, "Too many, huh?" He smiles at the way Dean writhes at the first lick over his hole, "Did you come home hoping to get fucked, Gorgeous?" Dean breathes out a faint 'yes' and Castiel blows out a puff of air over the spit-slick skin, eliciting a deep moan. He repeats the action a few times and each time, Dean's hips cant upwards into the sensation. Cas turns to playfully bite the meat of his boyfriend's ass, causing him to whimper.

He kneads the muscled globes of flesh, spreading them open to press his face in, mouth covering Dean's quivering hole. "Baby, please…"

A wicked smile curls Castiel's lips and he flutters his tongue over Dean's entrance, wringing a choked gasp from him. "Such a needy little thing." Cas lifts his head and spits on the tight ring of muscle, smirking at the way Dean startles, "So eager to be fucked." Dean shudders, keening when Castiel shoves his tongue into him, in and out in a series of quick thrusts. Dean reaches back, helpfully spreading his cheeks with both hands, face pressing into the bedspread. "Look at you. How very accommodating of you. Spreading your ass like that. Tsk, tsk."

"Cas!"

Castiel chuckles and straightens, hands untying the scrub pants and pushing them off his hips, the underwear following quickly. He kicks his shoes and socks off, stepping out of his clothes before teasing a finger down the crack of Dean's ass. His boyfriend moans and rocks his hips backwards, "So lovely." Cas leans to press a kiss to one of Dean's fingers and gently bites another. He wraps a fist around himself and slaps his cock in the crease of that muscular ass. Dean sucks in a breath and tilts his hips up further, "Mmm…look at that pretty ass." Castiel rubs himself over the eager little hole, "I'm gonna fuck you so good, Baby." Dean's hips are bobbing up and down slightly and Cas taps his hip, "Move your hands."

"Huh?"

"Hands off your ass." The command earns him a curious look, but the green-eyed man complies and Castiel he puts his own hands where Dean's were only seconds before, squeezing the younger man's cheeks tight around his dick. He rocks his hips forward and a small grin curls one corner of his boyfriend's mouth. "Never done this to you, have I?" Dean shakes his head and rolls his hips back into each of his thrusts, bottom lip caught between his teeth. "You like it?"

"It's d-diff-ferent…not w-what I was expec-ting." The stuttering makes him smile and Dean's eyes widen slightly with each rock of his hips. "It…" Dean shifts his hips and tries to earn a little more and Cas slaps at his ass. Wide green eyes lock with his, a surprised laugh escaping him, "Ow, Babe!"

"Oh, hush. You like it when I spank you."

Dean blushes and admits, "Well yeah, but we usually discuss it first."

Castiel pouts, voice mocking good-naturedly, _"'Well yeah, but we usually discuss it first.'"_ His hand rubs over the pinkening skin, leaning to whisper, "I just love marking you up." Cas grins, fingers tightening their grip on Dean's ass. He doesn't have anywhere near his boyfriend's strength and Castiel knows there won't be any bruises to show for it later. "And you don't care that I do it, do you, pretty?" Dean reaches back to claw at his hip, pulling him closer. Cas ruts into the cleft of Dean's ass, relishing the sounds dripping from that beloved mouth and if Castiel is completely honest, he's thoroughly enjoying the look on his boyfriend's face. Dean's face is a mask of naked want and the doctor still can't believe he's the one that manages to put it there.

"Baby, please."

Cas leans forward to cover Dean's body, his hands bracing on either side of his boyfriend's. His lips brush along the back of Dean's neck, "Please, what?" Castiel nips at the juncture between shoulder and neck, tongue darting out to lave the small hurt. Dean reaches a hand back and cups the back of his head, turning towards him, lips brushing over his skin. His boyfriend is trembling under him and Cas shifts his weight onto one hand, reaching between them with the other, whispering softly against Dean's shoulder, "Tell me what you want."

Dean twists further, messily sliding their mouths together and pleads, "Fuck me." His face twists, fingers tightening in Castiel's hair. Cas doesn't think twice, he simply shifts his hips and takes what Dean so willingly offers him. A choked gasp fills his mouth and Castiel swallows it down, hips thrusting hard and fast. Dean pulls back from the kiss to press his forehead into the mattress, both hands clawing at the bedcovers and Cas braces both hands on his lover's shoulders, slamming in deep, taking full advantage of the angle. Dean writhes at the brutal onslaught, hips undulating back into each thrust.

Castiel's eyes flutter shut, brow furrowing with each shift of his hips. He speaking without even realizing it, uttering such filth that Dean whimpers underneath him, the words urging his orgasm closer. His boyfriend groans, voice shaky and near breathless, "Yours." Dean's panting, these pained little grunts escaping him with each exhalation, "Oh, God, Cas!" Castiel shifts his hips and leans over him, biting at the skin of Dean's shoulder. "Harder, please." Cas pulls out slowly, letting every single inch drag out of his boyfriend before snapping his hips forward, balls deep in one quick, deep thrust. "Shit, yes! Fuck!"

Dean sucks in a ragged breath and his hands clench in the covers, his forearms corded with muscle. Castiel bites the base of his neck and growls softly, "My lovely little policeman."

His boyfriend shudders and breathes out, "Yes, yours." Cas groans, his body tensing near-painfully. He goes to shift position but Dean reaches back and grabs ahold of his ass, hips lifting to take him deeper into his body. "Don't stop, Baby. Please." Castiel licks at the beaded sweat between Dean's shoulders and rocks his hips forward, the feel of those fingers clawing at his ass making his control waver. His thrusts falter and Dean chokes out, "Right there!" The rest of what he says is lost in incoherent rambling, muffled when he presses his face into the mattress. Dean's whole body tenses, arms flexing until he's in a modified push-up and he screams, cumming in thick spurts across the bed. His arms shake and he collapses in a boneless heap, taking Cas with him.

Castiel croons in Dean's ear, "You feel so fucking good; tight little ass squeezing my cock. You came hard didn't you?" Dean turns and meets his gaze. Cas laughs, "From that blissed look on your face, I'd say so." He presses his lips to Dean's ear, muttering obscenities in his ear as he thrusts into him lazily. Dean hums softly, hissing with each particularly deep press into his body. Castiel shudders over him, orgasm building until he's spilling into Dean's body.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Cas blinks awake to a finger tracing his eyebrows. His hand reaches up to sleepily bat Dean's fingers away, "Qui-i-i-i-t." Dean is draped over his chest and he wraps an arm around his boyfriend, trying to grab the offending hand in his free one.

Castiel feels Dean shift closer and then kiss along his collarbone, just barely fighting the smile from curling his lips. "Cas, wake up. I need to tell you something." Dean squirms closer and pleads, "Babe, wake up."

Castiel peeks an eye open, "What?" His fingertips are tracing on the sweat-cooled skin of Dean's shoulders and he's unbelievably relaxed. His boyfriend is pressing biting kisses across the expanse of his chest, "What is so important that you can't-"

Dean lifts his head, green eyes locking with his and Cas stops talking when Dean interrupts with, "Something you forgot." It takes a second for Dean's words to register and then the realization slams into him. He sits up and pulls away in embarrassment, struggling when Dean's hand curls around his elbow. Castiel sits forward and rubs a hand over his face. His boyfriend wraps an arm around his chest and whispers against his neck, "Hey, calm down. It's not that big a deal."

Cas scoffs, "Dean, It _is_ a big deal and I know better."

"Cas, look at me." Dean noses at his ear, voice pleading, "Look at me, Jamie. Please?" Castiel turns and reluctantly meets his boyfriend's gaze, "I love you." Dean tugs him back and Cas makes a surprised noise when his lap is suddenly full of sated policeman. "Listen here, doc." Castiel arches a brow, "Will you answer something for me?" Cas takes a breath and nods. "Did you…" Dean pauses, ducking his head. Castiel hears him clear his throat and then he continues, "You ever done that with anyone?"

It's his turn to duck his gaze, "Yes."

Dean sucks in a breath and Cas kisses his temple. He's about to say something, when Dean's fingers cover his lips, "Balthazar?" Castiel wishes he could say no, wishes he could lie to spare his boyfriend's feelings but he nods instead. Dean swallows audibly and chews his bottom lip, "I ummm," a forced laugh escapes him, "kind of figured that. Not sure why I even asked."

"You wanted to be sure." Dean looks up at him, nodding once. "We were a couple for several years, Love." His boyfriend mouths a silent 'I know' and Cas cups his face with both hands, tilting his chin upwards. Dean smiles at him and brushes their lips together. "You should have said something. I would have stopped."

"I know. I just," Dean takes a breath and blows it out. His face twists, "I was caught up in the moment and by the time I realized," a blush spreads over his face and Castiel rubs his thumbs over the flushed skin, patiently waiting for Dean to finish his thought, "I honestly didn't want you to stop. I'm sorry I didn't ask you to. If I'd known you didn't want it-"

"Dean," Cas sighs, kissing him silent. He smiles when Dean wraps his arms around his neck, eagerly returning the kiss. Castiel pulls back to whisper, "I never said it wasn't something I wanted."

"Really?"

Castiel laughs at the shy half-grin Dean gives him, "Yes, really, you silly man. Granted, I always thought it would be the other way around. That's kind of how it's always been for me."

"You mean, I'm the first guy you," Dean's face scrunches up in embarrassment, "you know."

Cas murmurs wickedly, "What? Fucked until I filled his ass with cum?"

Dean gasps and pulls back with a laugh, "Babe! Oh my God!" Castiel wiggles his eyebrows at him and Dean hides his face against his neck, "You're so dirty." Cas shrugs, one hand trailing down between their bodies, fingertips light over that expanse of freckled skin. Dean squirms in his lap and Castiel cups a hand over one hip. "Is it always so," his boyfriend's voice is quivering slightly in response to the feel of Cas' fingers against his skin.

"So what? Messy?" Dean nods. "It depends. Sometimes that's part of the fun though." Castiel drags his fingertips from Dean's hip to the small of his back and then lower, teasing between his cheeks. "It's all a matter of perspective. I personally love it." He kisses along Dean's shoulder and rubs a finger over his hole. His boyfriend tenses slightly, but Cas feels it, "Too sore?"

"L'il bit, yeah."

Castiel nods and pulls his fingers away, palming over Dean's muscular ass instead, "Maybe next time then." They sit there for a few minutes before he can bring himself to assure Dean, "I'm clean. You know," he clears his throat, "in case you're wondering."

Dean tightens his arms around him and presses their foreheads together, "Me too. I have test results if you want to see them." Cas shakes his head, reassuring Dean he trusts him and his boyfriend smirks, "and I'm on the pill so yeah, you don't have to worry about knocking me up."

Castiel snorts in laughter, "Yeah, I wouldn't want to explain that to Sam."

Dean bites his shoulder, "Dude, seriously? Bringing up my brother while I'm in your lap, naked, with an ass full of your cum? Not cool!" Cas pulls back from the bite and they end up wrestling until Dean makes a face and protests, "Why do I always end up in the wet spot?!" Castiel concedes defeat simply because he's laughing too hard at the look on Dean's face.


	42. There's Always Good Memories

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: Hard M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC, **Homophobic Language, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Emotional Abuse/Manipulation/Hurt, Physical Abuse, Mentions of Suicide, Vicious Homophobia

**Chapter Note: **Sorry for the long delay between this chapter and the last. I'm hoping to get back to a biweekly posting schedule so I have time to work on my challenges between chapters. This particular arc is coming to a close but I'm already working on the outline & timeline for Part 2 of this verse. Thank you to those that are still along for the ride. I love you guys!

* * *

**Chapter 42 - There's Always Good Memories With The Bad**

Dean steps out of the bedroom and pads barefoot towards the kitchen. He yawns, one hand scratching through his hair and upon entering the kitchen instantly stops in his tracks. Castiel is on his hands and knees, humming under his breath, the upper half of his body _inside_ the corner cupboard between the refrigerator and stove. The countertops, and most of the floor, are covered with pots, pans and dishes. "Honey? What are you doing?" Cas startles at the sound of his voice and a dull thud precedes the tiny 'ow' as he emerges from inside the cupboard. Dean carefully picks his way through the kitchen obstacle course and joins his boyfriend on the floor, "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. You okay?"

Castiel pouts and rubs at the back of his head, "Yeah, I'm fine. Nothing's bruised. Just my pride."

Dean reaches out to cup the back of Cas' head, "You sure? I could kiss it and make it better." Castiel ducks his head and after a second, sticks his bottom lip out further, sniffing dramatically. When he looks up, Dean is shocked to see tears welling up in his too-blue eyes. Dean smiles, sitting forward to press a kiss to Cas' temple, "C'mere." Castiel scoots closer and lets himself be pulled into Dean's embrace, head tucking into his shoulder. His voice is casual when he murmurs, "Our anniversary is in a few days."

Cas' lips quirk in a tiny smile that Dean feels on his skin. He cards his hand through the hair at the back of Castiel's head. "It was actually last Monday, Love."

"What?!" Dean pulls back from the embrace, mouth dropping open in shock. "No!" He makes a slicing motion with his hand and shakes his head, "It's on Thursday. I specifically remember checking the date so I could make _sure_ I was off and even Sam-" He stops mid-rant and squints at Cas, a small smile curling his lips, "You. Little. Jerk." Dean leans in and presses their foreheads together, "That was cruel. Why are you so mean to me?"

Castiel's hands curl around his neck and whispers, "I love watching you squirm." Dean snorts a laugh, not even bothering to hide the blush. "Besides, _you're_ the one that told me our post-sleepover breakfast didn't count as a date."

"It doesn't. It was an I'm-so-sorry-I-got-shit-faced-drunk-and-made-a-hor rible-ass-of-myself breakfast." Dean toys with the buttons on Cas' shirt and shrugs, "You know, to apologize for the things I said after I followed you home like a creeper." Castiel sputters a laugh and Dean arches a brow, "What?"

"You didn't follow me home like a creeper. I _drove_." Dean's eyebrows furrow and he thinks back to that night. He remembers everyone sitting around the table at Crossroads, exchanging funny stories. He remembers kissing Cas and then a boatload of alcoholic beverages. "I was staying with Anna then, remember?"

Dean snaps his fingers, "That's right!"

"People started to go home and after all the tequila you guzzled, I wasn't about to let you drive." Castiel shifts to lean against the fridge, "So, I uh…I offered to take you home, but you fell asleep in the car." Dean chuckles. "I wasn't about to try and search through a drunk cop's pockets so I drove home; was still trying to figure out how to wake you up without getting shot, but you woke up as soon as I shut off the engine."

"I wouldn't have shot you."

Cas leans away from him and taunts, "Oh yeah? How do you know? You don't even remember most of that night, Mr. I'm-Too-Sexy-For-My-Pants."

"Because," Dean moves closer and bumps his boyfriend's shoulder, "I didn't have my gun when I went to Crossroads." He blows a raspberry at Castiel and mutters, "Smartass."

"Admit it. You love my ass." Dean looks away, trying in vain to fight the smile. Cas leans to whisper, "At least that's what you said last night. Remember? You said-"

Dean reaches up to cover Castiel's mouth, "Shush, you. Whatever I say in bed can't be used against me." He lowers his hand and begins to slowly unbutton Cas' shirt. "Not fair using what I say against me." His hand slips under the fabric of Castiel's button-down and he kisses the fingertip tracing over his lips, chuckling when his boyfriend reminds him that he was never Mirandized. Dean grins at Cas' cute little eyebrow wiggle, "_Anyways_. As I was saying, our anniversary in a few days and I was wondering if there was anything in particular you wanted to do?"

Castiel takes a breath, one eye squinting shut, mouth twisting up in a pout as he thinks about it. "I'm assuming you mean besides amazing sex?" He doesn't give Dean a chance to answer, simply keeps contemplating aloud, "Hmm…there is that new Indian restaurant I wanted to try," Cas pauses to duck his head, lifting up Dean's t-shirt to whisper on his stomach, "but I know you don't like Indian food." Dean squawks in embarrassment and Castiel presses a kiss to the tanned skin, smoothing the faded green cotton over his abdomen.

"If you _really_ want to eat there, I can always pre-medicate?"

Cas shifts to straddle his lap, hands coming up to cup his face. He shakes his head and gently pushes Dean's glasses up with his index finger, "I hate seeing you in pain. I can always go with Baz." Dean wrinkles his nose and nods. Castiel tilts his head, "You're not still jealous are you?"

"Of Balthazar? Nuh uh. He's one of your closest friends. Am I bummed that I can't take you to dinner somewhere you want to try? A li'l bit, but," Dean lifts a shoulder and smiles, "he'll be thrilled to take you. I can almost hear him." He affects an exaggerated accent and says, "'_Of course I'll take you, Cassie, provided your policeman wouldn't object.'"_ Cas snickers. "Am I right?"

His boyfriend nods, "On the nights you work late, whenever we go somewhere to eat after work, he always asks if it's a place we've," Castiel waves a finger between their chests, "been to before."

Dean can't quite keep the surprise out of his voice when he asks, "Really? Why?"

"Because he's already robbed you of so many of my firsts." Dean sucks in a breath, eyes widening, "His words, not mine." Cas kisses him, stealing his ability to think and before Dean can stop him, Castiel is pulling back to ask, "So what did you have in mind for our anniversary?"

Dean pulls his boyfriend in closer, arms wrapping around him tightly. "I was thinking," he leans in to press their lips together, "That I could go with you to that class you mentioned." Cas pulls back with a frown. "You know, at the culinary institute on Brennen?"

Castiel tilts his head, "The baking workshop?" Dean nods, fingers unbuttoning the rest of Cas' shirt. "That's a lovely idea, Sweetheart, but there's no way. The class has been full for months. I should know, I checked." Dean pushes the pale blue shirt off Castiel's shoulders, pouting slightly. "Oh, Honey, did you think we could just show up and pay at the door?" He shrugs, leaning forward to mouth at the base of Cas' throat, teeth dragging along the line of his collarbone. "They're small classes. To foster intimacy," Castiel moans in his throat and Dean smiles, sucking a small mark on the curve of his shoulder. Cas swallows hard and turns to meet Dean's lips in a kiss. "It gives more one on one time with the instructor and oh, sweet Jesus why am I still talking about cooking classes when I could be fucking you?!"

Dean chuckles, kissing down the center of Castiel's chest, tongue flicking out to tease his left nipple. "I don't know, but I kinda like how breathless you get when I distract you." Cas whines in his chest, hastily pulling his shirt completely off. He tosses it aside and leans back against Dean's knees, teeth worrying his bottom lip. "I love when you do that."

"What?"

"You chew on your lip," Dean traces his fingers up Castiel's sides, "and after all this time, you still manage to look worried. As if you're still not sure I'm here." Cas blushes and tries to turn away, but Dean cups his face and forces him to look at him. "I'm here, Baby, and I'm not going anywhere. You got that?" Castiel nods, hand reaching up to curl around Dean's wrist. "I love you."

"I love you too, Dean."

A smile blooms across Dean's face. He braces both feet against the baseboard of the under-sink cabinet behind Cas, "Now how about you take these off?" Dean tugs on two of the belt loops of Castiel's faded jeans. Cas licks his lips and nods, eagerly doing as he's been asked. Dean lifts his own hips to push his sweatpants down. "I love how fucking eager you are to get my dick inside you."

Castiel tosses his jeans aside and crushes their mouths together, muttering, "Do you blame me, fucker? All you shoved into me last night was fingers and tongue."

Dean laughs into the kiss, staking his claim on Cas' mouth. He guides both of Castiel's arms away from his body, hands spanning the width of his chest. "Are you complaining?" Castiel shakes his head, eyes fluttering shut when Dean nips at the angle of his jaw. "Didn't think so." Dean grins and teases, "Besides, I used more than fingers and tongue on you or did you already forget about the toys?"

Cas' back bows up into his hands, a shaky moan escaping his parted lips. Dean loves his boyfriend like this: the barest of touches making him writhe and plead. All he's done is strip Castiel naked and touch his chest and belly, but the doctor is shaking in his lap. Hazy blue eyes open and Cas begs, "Please."

"Shh, Baby, I've gotcha." Dean drags a thumb over the indentation of Castiel's navel, the muscles beneath his fingers clenching tight. Cas grabs his hand and forcefully shoves it downwards, eyes drifting shut when he gets what he wants. With as slim as Cas is, it's easy for Dean to forget just how strong his boyfriend is. Pretty soon Cas' hips are thrusting up to meet each downward twist of Dean's hand. There's a fine trembling going through Castiel's body as he rocks in place. "There you go, Baby. That what you wanted?" Cas nods enthusiastically, lips curling in a dreamy smile. "You look so fucking gorgeous."

Castiel's voice is quiet and unbelievably shy when he says, "Dean, stop."

"You want me to stop?" Dean's startled, but his hand stills nonetheless. He relaxes his grip and shifts both hands to cover Cas' thighs, thumbs rubbing small circles over his skin.

Castiel leans forward, mouth hovering over his, "I didn't mean stop _that_." Dean opens his mouth in response to the flick of Cas' tongue and a small laugh spills free at Castiel's next words, "I meant stop being so reverent."

Dean smiles and shakes his head slowly, "No." He wraps both arms around Cas and pulls him closer, trapping his hands between their bodies. Castiel makes an annoyed sound and Dean tightens his grip when the doctor tries to pull away. He grins against Cas' kiss-swollen lips, "You are entirely worth my reverence." Castiel's face twists in embarrassment and Dean whispers, "Stop it. Why can't you believe that I adore you as much as I do?"

Cas shrugs, eyes lifting to meet his reluctantly. When he answers, his voice is nearly inaudible, "I honestly don't know."

Dean noses along Castiel's cheek, shifting to allow his hands free range of his boyfriend's naked back. Blunt nails scrape along either side of Cas' spine, earning Dean a shocked little gasp. He smiles into Castiel's shoulder, pursing his lips to kiss the warm skin. Cas squirms, hands bracing on his chest and Dean barely bites out a groan when Castiel's hips rock against him. He gasps softly and after a moment of insecurity, he admits, "I thought I had triggered you."

Realization dawns in Cas' eyes and he quickly reassures, "No, Love, nothing like that. It astonishes just how much you love me. The way you look at me? It's," Castiel tries to blink away his tears, "It's a lot to take in sometimes." He takes a breath and a wry laugh washes over Dean's lips, "And once again, I've ruined the mood."

Dean's quick to pull him close, speaking into his hair, "Shut up. You didn't ruin anything."

Cas rests his forehead on his shoulder and mutters, "Did you forget that we're naked and I can see that you aren't hard anymore?"

"The state of my dick doesn't mean you ruined the mood. You of all people should know that, _Doctor _Novak." Dean growls into his ear playfully and palms over Castiel's ass, fingers stretching those muscled cheeks open. His fingers brush against something decidedly _not Cas_ and Dean pulls back to look in his boyfriends face. "You left it in place?" Castiel's hands are clutching at his face, eyes hooded. The only response Dean gets is a jerky nod. His fingers trace around the base of the plug, "Why?"

His boyfriend swallows thickly and stutters, "Y-you know why."

A surge of heat pools in Dean's groin and he grins, fingers pressing on the plug base, "Because I told you to leave it in?" Cas nods, teeth scraping over his swollen bottom lip. Dean's fingers slowly turn the plug clockwise, relishing the way Castiel's eyes widen before rotating the plug counterclockwise. He tugs on the base slightly and then presses it in once more. "I bet your pretty ass is sore." Dean pulls on the toy once more and Cas groans, hips twitching at the stimulation. He brushes their mouths together and teases, "Is it? Is that tight little hole all swollen, Baby?"

Castiel's breath hitches and Dean laughs at his breathless taunt, "Why don't you see for yourself?"

"How about you," Dean lifts a finger, rotating it to indicate Cas should turn around, "roll over?" Castiel leans back, slowly standing up on shaky legs. Dean interlaces their fingers together, locking both elbows to help him keep his balance. He allows his eyes to rake slowly upwards, one corner of his mouth quirking up when Cas blushes. "What? I didn't say anything."

Castiel scoffs, lowering to kneel by Dean's right hip, "You don't need to. I'm well aware of what filthy thoughts are floating in your mind."

The bland delivery of Cas' answer startles a laugh out of him, "Oh yeah?" Castiel narrows his gaze, nodding in response. "So tell me, doctor, what am I thinking right now? Hmmm?"

Cas swings a leg over his lap, straddling him in reverse, "You're thinking about just how," he reaches up to grip the edge of the kitchen counter in both hands, leaning forward to rest his chest against Dean's legs, "amazing it will be to fuck me in this position." Castiel shifts, working his knees further apart, hips canting backwards, "I know that you love watching your cock moving in and out of my ass." The movement grants Dean a glimpse of the plug's nestled between the globes of his ass, "Am I right?"

Dean's hands glide down Cas' back, "You're not wrong."

Two fingers of his fingers curl around the plug and gently exert a downward pressure. Castiel's rim swells around the silicone toy and Dean tugs a bit more, the base of the plug easing out of him. Cas sucks in a harsh breath but Dean presses the toy back in. Castiel inhales, but before the other man can speak, Dean is withdrawing it, only to thrust the plug inside him once more. He repeats the action a few more times and Cas twists in his lap, hand fisting in the chain around his neck. Dean sits forward to prevent the necklace snapping in Castiel's grip and is stunned when his boyfriend hisses, "Quit fucking around, Dean. Pull that motherfucking toy out of my ass and replace it with your cock or I swear to God!"

Dean bares his teeth and jerks the toy out in one smooth motion. He sets it aside and thrusts his hips up, the head of his dick dragging over Cas' hole. His next words are mocking, "You swear to God? What exactly are you swearing? Huh?" Gooseflesh erupts over Castiel's back at the tone in his voice and Dean laughs darkly, "You threatening to never let me fuck you again? We both know what a load of shit that is." The thrusting of his hips teasing Cas' puffy rim, "Don't we?" Castiel's eyes flutter shut and he nods, licking his lips. Dean grabs onto Cas' hips, "We both know just how much you love my balls slapping against you ass," his words surprise a string of expletives out of Castiel, "how much you enjoy being split open." He grins and leans to whisper over Cas' mouth, "and now that you know what it feels like, you crave that feeling of me emptying inside you. Admit it.

Castiel shudders and bites out, "Y-yes. Yes, yes, yes! Now, would you kindly insert that beautiful fuck-stick into my ass before I get so wound up I _can't_ come?!"

Dean snickers, "Kindly?"

Cas kisses him. He grins, muttering against his lips, "Well, maybe not kindly."

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Well now," Dean pants, "that was…"

Castiel groans weakly, "Uh huh."

Dean turns to look at his boyfriend, "Can't believe we waited this long to christen the kitchen floor."

Cas snorts, lifting his forearm off his eyes to give him a look, "You're an idiot." Dean rolls onto his side and rises onto one elbow, _hmm-ing_ softly. Castiel blinks up at him, fingertips pushing Dean's glasses up to their usual position on the bridge of his nose, "but you're _my_ idiot." Dean nods, mouthing a silent 'yup' down at him. Cas taps the end of his nose with his index finger and muses, "You can't believe we waited this long to christen this floor and _I_ can't believe this is the first time, in almost a year as a couple, that you're fucked me while wearing your glasses."

Dean laughs, mouth twisting into a pout, "You never told me you had a glasses fetish." Castiel wriggles his eyebrows up and down. Dean's own brows lift and he asks, "Do you really?" Cas shrugs and tries to distract him with a kiss. Dean pulls back to ask, "What other kinks haven't you told me about?"

Castiel blushes, "You want the list?"

His boyfriend's answer shocks him silent for a few seconds, "D-do you have one?"

The blush spreads across Cas' cheeks and down his neck, "Technically?" Dean's mouth drops open. "In the strictest sense, no I don't have a list of my personal kinks. It's actually a list of things that I'm wiling to-" Dean sits up and swallows hard, looking everywhere but at Castiel's face. "Dean?"

"Y-you never," he takes a breath and tries again, "You have a list of things you're willing to do." Cas whispers a yes and Dean shifts out from under his hands, eyes squeezing shut, "That means you have a list of things you _won't_ do. Right?" He doesn't wait for Castiel's answer, just keeps speaking before he loses his nerve, "Because that's what people in BSDM relationships do, am I correct?" Dean's heartbeat is racing and he doesn't catch what Cas says, "What?"

"BDSM." Dean feels his jaw clench and he takes a breath, willing himself to relax. Castiel's voice is shaking as he corrects quietly, "You said B-_S_-D-M and it's B-_D_-S-M. Bondage, disci-"

Dean grabs Cas' face in both hands and his boyfriend is instantly silent, body tensing. He knows Castiel is terrified and while Dean is worried that he'll trigger him, he needs to know, "Please tell me it wasn't Alastair that-"

Cas' eyes widen, "Oh, God, no!" Dean squints in disbelief and Castiel turns to kiss one of his hands, "Alastair was a sadist, yes, but I never showed him the list. He never even knew about it." Dean leans his cheek into the palm that Cas lifts to his face, "Only three people know the list even exists."

Dean can't help the way his voice breaks when he guesses, "Balthazar."

Castiel's brow furrows, "Yes. Balthazar, myself and-"

Dean shakes his head and interrupts, "I don't want to know who else you-"

He looks up when Cas keeps talking as if he'd never spoken, "now you. You're the third and final one, Dean. I know you were probably joking when you asked the question, but," Castiel takes a breath and smiles, "I'm through hiding who I was. Keeping parts of myself hidden away has caused so many of our fights and I'm not doing it anymore. My past is an open book. Anything you want to know, just ask. Okay?" Dean nods. "In regards to the list, you don't need to look at it if you don't want to. Just know that it exists and that all you have to do is tell me and I'll share it with you. Okay?" Dean nods silently and Cas repeats, "Okay?"

He blows out a breath, "Okay." Dean takes another breath and nods, slower this time, "Okay."

Castiel smiles at him and kisses the tip of his nose, "Now can we _please_ get off this cold floor and go take a shower?" Dean returns his smile and stands up, holding his left hand out for Cas to take. Castiel takes it and Dean helps him stand. The second that he's standing, however, Dean shifts his grip to wrap around Cas' wrist, bending at the waist to pass his arm between Castiel's legs. Cas squeaks in disbelief as Dean stands up, lifting him in a fireman carry, "Holy shit, Dean! Don't drop me."

Dean chuckles and soothes him, left hand rubbing over Castiel's right arm, "Relax, Jamie. I'm not gonna to drop you." He bounces on the balls of his feet a few times, "Do you trust me?"

"Of course."

Dean smiles, "Then what are you worried about?" He doesn't wait for a response from the man draped across his shoulders and walks down the hall towards their bedroom. Cas mischievously slaps a hand on his ass. "Thank you, Sir, may I have another?" Castiel laughs and brings his hand down again. Dean pushes the door open and crosses the room to en suite bathroom. He bends to set Cas down and moves to start the shower.

Castiel comes up behind him and kisses the scar on his shoulder blade. "My big," Dean peers over his shoulder and reaches to curl his arm around Cas' body, tightening with each word of Castiel's favorite endearment, "strong policeman."

He lifts a brow and jokes, "I'm guessing one of the things on the mysterious 'list' is this size kink of yours?" Cas' laughter echoes in the small room and it's all the answer Dean needs.


End file.
